Old friend expressed feelings for me. Need help as there are complications - marriage/divorce/children

[NCforawhile]

I NC for added security of my other stuff I talk about. This - I can't talk to anyone about.

I have a dear friend I met in my teens. We worked together. He fancied me a lot. Me less so, I did but I just never wanted to try that road. We kissed maybe 4 times but often shared a bed crashed out. However I adore him, lots of memories, great fun, plenty of partying and drinking. Visiting each other at Uni.

We both met DP. We socialised a fair amount as a four. Then it kinda stopped. We went to each other's weddings. We did early kids Bday parties.

We message sporadically but always Christmas, Birthdays. Check in. But definitely drifted.

I realise this is long. So I'm going to post up what's bothering me and come back to fill in gaps. Not drip feeding I promise, just there's a lot.

He told me very recently that he still adores me and never got over me.
We spent a night together (no sex, lots of hugging, clothed I hasten to add).
He's married. I'm nearly divorced.

Agreed mirrivan. Friends or not.

I'm off to bed and the phone is firmly at arms length.

Thanks all - I really appreciate you all listening to my outpourings.

We both said we are the king/queen of brave faces and putting others first.

Yet he didn't put you first when he chose to re-declare his feelings. Made a right bloody song and dance about it in fact, to make sure you were on the hook all evening.

You're not in this together.

I think the brain works on several level - rational/analytical; emotional and then very basically, physical (eat, sleep, sex)

Rational and emotional are not opposites, emotions guide reason even if one is not aware how.

You say you have long been a cog in their marriage - a cog in the normal idiom is a minor but necessary part of a wheel. I am not sure this is what you meant (on phone so can't check back exactly what you said), maybe his wife viewed you as a thorn - but cog works if it means that, with you, he had somewhere emotionally to go, when he needed a mental bolt hole from the day to day reality of his marriage. While his wife went a stage further physically.

I am really reluctant to write any more about him or speculate about his wife and their relationship, because your mind needs a rest from this. He has completely messed up your emotions. The friendship has moved beyond a platonic friendship, if it ever was one.

If your honest motive is care that this man's marriage is in trouble, then step away. Tell him that your best advice is for him to seek counselling with an objective and trained person to discuss his feelings and experiences with, as it should not be you. In the meantime, he needs to stay away from you, regardless of what you feel.

And then do the same yourself. The potential for carnage here is huge, and he has both a wife and a potential future wife in play - you are on your own with a messed up head.

This thread will just provide more space to obsess about this man and engage emotionally with him, whilst keeping up the pretence that nothing has changed.

I feel a little sorry for his wife. She has perhaps felt all along that her husband was not 100% into her - perhaps 90 or 95% but always held a little back. Perhaps that is why she had the affairs to make him jealous. To be honest OP no one knows what goes on in a marriage. Only the couple know the truth. I think he wants an affair possibly to get back at his wife, possibly to make himself feel better - who knows. I get the impression you will fall into an affair with him. I don't believe he will ever leave his wife. He would have done it especially after the 2nd affair came to light. But he didn't. He is still very much married.