Old friend expressed feelings for me. Need help as there are complications - marriage/divorce/children

[NCforawhile]

I NC for added security of my other stuff I talk about. This - I can't talk to anyone about.

I have a dear friend I met in my teens. We worked together. He fancied me a lot. Me less so, I did but I just never wanted to try that road. We kissed maybe 4 times but often shared a bed crashed out. However I adore him, lots of memories, great fun, plenty of partying and drinking. Visiting each other at Uni.

We both met DP. We socialised a fair amount as a four. Then it kinda stopped. We went to each other's weddings. We did early kids Bday parties.

We message sporadically but always Christmas, Birthdays. Check in. But definitely drifted.

I realise this is long. So I'm going to post up what's bothering me and come back to fill in gaps. Not drip feeding I promise, just there's a lot.

He told me very recently that he still adores me and never got over me.
We spent a night together (no sex, lots of hugging, clothed I hasten to add).
He's married. I'm nearly divorced.

He's held a torch for you for 20 years... well so what.

You don't need the baggage that this possible relationship would undoubtedly come with. If he's unhappy with his wife but is sticking with her, then that a whole can of worms you don't need to open.

Run for the hills.

Mirrivan
"The only way it would have been acceptable for him to tell you his feelings would be something like this: 'NC, I want you to know that I'm leaving my wife, and will be starting divorce proceedings shortly. I would also like you to know that I adore you, and have never got over you. I want you to know this so that if your feelings for me are in anyway similar, you can keep me in mind for once I'm out on the other side. I realise in telling you this that I'm potentially making it difficult for you to be a supportive friend to me throughout this, which is why I think it best if I rely on , though of course we can play it by ear"

This ^^ would make me do an old-fashioned swoon, it's lovely and exactly right. :)

If you want to be the OW then go for it. However as you said in an earlier post your STBXH had an affair and it isn't nice for everyone involved. He is doing what a lot of people do when in an unhappy relationship - testing the water to see if he can leave one telationdhip and move straight onto the next. Walk away. Wait until he is single.

If he has been emotionally invested in you for the duration of his marriage, he has had an emotional affair really.
Not excusing his wife's affairs, but he has sold her short if all the time he has believed he actually married the wrong woman.

Also wants the man mirrivan describes

Again. Lots of insightful posts.
Need to read again ....

I don't mean to hit hard lovey, but whether you ink so or not, you are a little vulnerable, and to him more so than a random. You could be low-hanging fruit, and as you are nearly divorced, he's rationalised it that he's not hurting anyone, well only someone who has cheated on him twice...

I was briefly married, we split, we divorced. Even though there were no kids involved, it was amicable and with no third party etc, I still felt sad at the loss of my marriage. Marriage changes us, kids more so, you both owe it to yourselves to see who you are now, before getting involved.

Yes I think diving right in has its benefits, but neither one of you can do this arm, and I don't think it's really 'you' to do so.

He had 2 perfect excuses to leave someone he was unhappy with, and didn't... If not that... What then?

You never know the full stories of these things. As I say, If it were meant to be...it might well be, but right time, right situation...

Oh and another one... If in doubt, do nowt....

Good luck love, just think things through and take inns at your pace. Listen to your instincts.

Things, not inns..

Lyingwitch
Agree with you but I have been clued into the fact he likes me over al the years. Everything was always a bit tense when the partners were about. We didn't put that tension there with our interaction. I believe there has always been a bit of the green eyed from our partners over our friendship.

Flattered yes but funnily enough, I know it sounds big headed but I kids always did know he liked me. I never acted on it, I've loved having his friendship. It's an easy friendship.

Two children each similar ages. Oldest are 8. So yes I am very very aware and they are the thing making me put the phone down.

Your last thoughts mirror mine on the late night talking episode. I did voice them, not as elegantly though

Sticky and mirri I wouldn't run for the hills from what is a good friendship.

I have been running from him a long time I suppose. That's what makes this so hard.

It is actually all about me after all. This certainly is wrong time.

And romii. Yes. He said his wife doesn't like me. He has hidden our recent interaction from her for which I chastised him.

I guess it would be fair to say perhaps I have been a cog in their relationship she is very much aware of. But he has been happy with her. Very much so over the years.

As his friend that's why I'm worried. I don't think he is anymore.

Thanks Hissy.

You're all being kind and insightful and this is very helpful.

I am vulnerable. He didn't particularly know that before his announcement. But I'm not weak. Nor selfish.

We both said we are the king/queen of brave faces and putting others first.

It makes me feel that even having the conversation is very top level, it's there and needs delving but neither of us can bring ourselves to do so.

His parents are great role models. I know he is modelling himself on that and I know he feels ashamed. I know that because we good friends.
He knows I am ashamed at the breakdown of my marriage. And he knows I'm in counselling.

I have to do nowt. It's a killer.

But it is no longer a friendship, it moved on when he declared his adoration.

Sounds complicated, it wouldn't be my choice for a relationship whilst coming out of a marriage. A married man with two children. What a catch and you would be the OW.

It's your life and choice NC. I still think you need to back right off from this 'friendship'. If he is going to leave his wife then leave him to it.

I doubt he will though.

Best of luck, you are going to need it.

NC... it's easy to like somebody, even hanker after them, when the reality is that you just can't put it into practice. I know of several people who do this, revel and delight in the notion that they can't be together and if only things would have been different...

The reality is that they COULD have got together, they just chose not to, both of them chose other partners. Where does the 'holding a torch' and long-desire come in to that? It doesn't. Hold a torch is cheap, it's just words and means nothing.

The fact is, you were both single at the same time. If your love for each other had been evident then, you would have become a couple... you didn't. I'm not saying that you wouldn't now but just keep a clear view in your head that lovey-dovey warblings are very, very easy when you don't have the daily grind of a real relationship to tarnish and spoil them. Sounds like an affair, doesn't it? Well it is, of sorts. It was unfair of both of you to continue to gambol over each other as 'friends' if that was not what was truly in your minds (both of you) then, and let your respective partners see this.

What now? It depends on you, I think. However, I wonder if your impending divorce has made you more susceptible to the flattery of your friend than you would have been before? The way you're posting is very much in enjoyment, perhaps you've held back from posting it all (I suspect this to be the case), but what this man is saying to you leaves me cold... probably because he's not my friend and I haven't hugged him for hours in bed, etc., etc. I guess this is why you've posted here to get some perspective from other sources.

I really don't mean to rain on your chips, I'm very much a romantic at heart but, if you mean so much to this man, he has done very little to make it obvious as far as I can see, just lots of indulgent, whimsical silliness... and you deserve better, you really do.

Protect yourself and hold out for better - whether it's him or a man as Mirrivan describes... there's no rush. :)

Thank you lying
Again that is incredibly helpful. And needs some digesting. There are some cold hard facts in your post.

I used to feel guilty and responsible for his feelings. I had long known he liked me, and we're not together because I simply didn't fancy him enough when I was 20. A normal fickle 20 year old who wanted a drop dead gorgeous man.....
And shortly after met my stbxh. But I have never encouraged his feelings since age 20 and I genuinely honestly felt they were long ago dealt with by him.

I wasn't expecting his announcement at all.

I flattened it at the time of delivery. And it is only after that I'm struggling so much.

NC... another thunderbolt for you then, sorry.

Are you saying that he never got over you in those 20 years? That he 'settled' in order to marry his now wife? Just because you didn't fancy him? That's incredibly arrogant, you know. You say in later posts that he's been very happy with his wife, they have children together. This doesn't really add up, not to me anyway.

I mean, he settled so much so that he forgave her the affairs? Even though she was second choice? He had so many opportunities to leave and still be a good dad - and he didn't. That is NOT the act of a spouse who is settling for a runner-up.

His announcement is ill-time and unfair. He isn't free to be with you and you're vulnerable. That makes him a bit of a louse. I'm sorry to say that about your friend, I really am, NC but he's not being much of a friend to you and whatever you think, things will not be the same again. That easy friendship that you say you've cherished... gone, poof! :(

I've had to go back and read some texts.

Perhaps I'm a vulnerable walkover after all!

We were talking about when I had snogged one of his uni mates, many years ago. And I had apologised for being cruel. And I asked why was he my friend after that fairly jovial piss taking conversation

And he replied

I hope it was someone who made u laugh from when we were young to when we were old - someone u could always rely on if anything happened to you - someone u could trust and believe in. xxxx his name who would jump through hoops for u - there is loads I can add.....

For me the really hard thing is... He is and always has been those things. I do laugh. I can rely. I do trust. And he would jump hoops. I've just never given him the green light. I've never abused that, never taken advantage of it.

A green light now means an affair. But doing nothing could be (big stress on could, lots of things to factor) a great shame.

I cannot have an affair.

I'm feeling very sad!!

Thanks for sticking with me lying

I believe he did settle, happily, had children and did cherish his life. His wife.

He has really really struggled with her affairs. He still is. But he's not moaning or slating her.... But to me, the vibe is off. And that's as a friend I see that. He looks worry worn. And sad.

He knew about my ex before he knew she had the bad affair. He still didn't come after me. He put a concerted effort into his marriage.

The change is he made his announcement. That is fairly monumental to me, 20 years of not saying it.

I realise I am now waffling!

I'm sure I will return. My mind hasn't shut up for a fortnight

The thing is OP that a bit of adoration and emotional intensity is terribly powerful, especially if you've been leading a quiet sensible life getting over your marriage break-up. It's lovely and flattering and exciting, but it's not real life.

Essentially it's a bit like having a holiday fling with a waiter in Corfu, getting carried away and starting to plan your life together in England. Don't do it!!

Irene
That is what gets me.
We have both lived our real lives for 20years. Happily. No Corfu craziness.

We're not rush inspired people.

I won't be making any rash impulsive decisions. Nor will he.
It's just killing me because of what ifs.

It's like he took a risk and spoke out. And yet again I have said no !

But this time maybe I don't mean no.

Because of 20 years of stuff!

Listen to Irene now, NC. That post is powerful because it's telling you where you are currently, what you feel now.

I think you are terribly vulnerable right now and you are sleepwalking into an affair with your friend. His 'announcement' seems to have made it all alright for you. I'm reading your words... and then in between the lines. You're halfway there already.

I was an OW. Don't be me, it really isn't worth it.

I hadn't thought of it that way mirrivan

I suppose it was the same daft banter we have always had.

We do banter a lot. We can in person have a brief hug and say love you, give my love to your parents, take care.

That's not over invested, that's normal to us, an extension of being inseparable from 16-20.

And here I am now. Absolutely struggling to balance any of it.