Old friend expressed feelings for me. Need help as there are complications - marriage/divorce/children

[NCforawhile]

I NC for added security of my other stuff I talk about. This - I can't talk to anyone about.

I have a dear friend I met in my teens. We worked together. He fancied me a lot. Me less so, I did but I just never wanted to try that road. We kissed maybe 4 times but often shared a bed crashed out. However I adore him, lots of memories, great fun, plenty of partying and drinking. Visiting each other at Uni.

We both met DP. We socialised a fair amount as a four. Then it kinda stopped. We went to each other's weddings. We did early kids Bday parties.

We message sporadically but always Christmas, Birthdays. Check in. But definitely drifted.

I realise this is long. So I'm going to post up what's bothering me and come back to fill in gaps. Not drip feeding I promise, just there's a lot.

He told me very recently that he still adores me and never got over me.
We spent a night together (no sex, lots of hugging, clothed I hasten to add).
He's married. I'm nearly divorced.

Coldwhite that is how men approach things though isn't it. Make the statement, not consider the consequences and look for the chips afterwards.

They don't spend all this analysis and worry.

For him it's a simple I need to get this off my chest. For me it's been run over by a truck.

Jelly. We have never had sex. Our teen friendship was pretty wholesome.

I was always loud and outgoing. Him quiet and sporty. But he became a nutter at Uni and then we really had some fun. Often drunk but never sex. I just didn't fancy him enough back then. But I absolutely loved him iykwim.

I would assume he's considering leaving his wife and testing out the waters. And fair enough I wouldn't personally stay married to someone who cheated on me once let alone twice.

I guess the test is - did he just tell you to unburden himself and is now going to retreat to his life having put a bomb under yours. Or is he actually going to get divorced.

Either way - you need to detach yourself because these are all decisions hat must come from him and you need to not be involved in.

Well, I know 2 people who were in your exact situation.

They threw caution to the wind and acted on their feelings.

They have now been married for about 15 years and have 2 kids. Happiest couple I know!

If you think there's something there, I would fuck what anyone else thinks or says and I'd explore it.

Life is too short to do any different.

Stop over thinking.

Ok, so a mantra now: "The ship is safe in the Harbour, but that's not what ships are for"

Sorry, I wasn't implying you had had sex! I just remembered two separate incidents with very good old friends doing similar when I was single, nothing had happened previously, they just thought it was worth a try.

But all the children involved in this, the fact I haven't kissed this man for 20 years, basing feelings on drunken teen and Uni situations.

I would love to throw caution to the wind. I reckon so would he. It would be enormous fun.

But therein lies the problem. Neither of us broke our marriages by having affairs. Neither of us are selfish. He is standing by his children.

Jelly
We met for a coffee and he didn't want to tell his wife he was meeting me.
I said why ever not..... Why on earth are you not allowed to meet me? I said he must be feeling guilty.... Has he been imagining me naked?

yes a little flirty I admit

he said always

I also know someone who was very unhappily married to a very odd man, and a friend of hers was married to a woman who had cheated on him consistently throughout their marriage - she wanted an open relationship and he didn't basically.

Eventually they left their respective partners and are so much happier. They got married in the summer. 'Twas great.

That miserable chapter of their lives is over.

Depends what standing by his children means. If it means standing by his wife then you need to get out ASAP.

I don't know the answer to that Twinkle.

Pick phone up. Put phone down.
And repeat.

Log onto MN.

The number of married men that hit in nearly divorced or recently separated women is astounding.

Tell him he's been really out of order to do this to you, and that if he's unhappy to do something about it

Then he needs to spend at least 6m on his own and then see where things are..

Hit on, not in.

I don't count myself as recently. It's been two & half years.

Just sorting the financials has dragged on forever.

Does that amend your view a little Hissy?

And he's been 'over' DW affair for two years.

It's not all recently anguish. Adds to my confusion.

Do people really get 'over' affairs though?

A few, granted.

But from what I've seen generally the horrible feelings are just buried in the name of 'moving on'.

To do it a second time is particularly awful.

No.

He's not free, he's sniffing about because you're almost free, but not quite.

He needs to sort his own situation out first. What he's said to you is really crappy and unfair. It puts it on you. You can almost see the finishing line and he's looking for a soft place to land - perhaps.

Or a 'better the devil you know' liaison

You are being enticed t make a move on a man who is married, while you are married (albeit not for much longer)

Do you know his wife? I assume yes. Regardless of anything, him hooking up with you now would look bad to her and the kids, and he'll hath no fury than a cheater scorned...

You'd not live with yourself. He's making you behave wholly out of character.

If it is supposed to be, (a) it would have already have been, or (b) it still will be if that is what is supposed to happen.

Tell him to go away, to forget about everything and sort his life out first and foremost.

You need the space post divorce, and he needs t make his own space and evaluate his life.

He could be subconsciously wanting to hurt her.

Using you, a woman she knows to do so.

Och, just shag him and see where it goes I know that's me being naughty but bejeezuz we only live once

I was told a lot when I left ExH, that I had to have a few years single, before meeting anyone else. To "find myself" Bullshit! I met my DH just 7 weeks later. We are married, totally in love, and have now been together over 7 years.

TAKE A BLOODY CHANCE!

I think that post is very very insightful Hissy.

I need to read it again several times. It hit rather hard!

I think that post is very very insightful Hissy.

I need to read it again several times. It hit rather hard!

Sorry. MN fail there.

Coldwhite
I promise wherever I end up, I'll update you!
But I really don't think I can take your advice at this moment.

Much as I'd love to. So stick with me anyway?

I'm sorry, NC, but as 'romantic' and 'Romeo/Juliet-ish' as your posts come across, I think you need to keep a firm hold of your feelings. Never mind him, yours. You are on the way to being divorced and that brings its own challenges, no matter how much you might be looking forward to being free again.

Your friend isn't free. He has had very much time and opportunity to make himself free. He hasn't. Why hasn't he done this? Why hasn't he made himself available to be with you before blurting out what he did? It's very unfair of him because he IS courting an affair with you when, if he is as good as a friend as you think he is, he would know your strong feelings on this. He was completely out of line telling you his feelings for you when HE isn't free to act on them in any case.

Some other things to consider:

1. Even if he makes himself free now, you would be a rebound and you would always know that he was 'lining up the next one' before ending an unhappy marriage. Not very nice, is it?

1. You didn't feel this way about him until he declared himself. Why is that? What makes you think that your feelings are any more than being a little bit flattered (and cross! at his wrecking of your friendship)?

1. You both have children... depending on how young they are, what you both do now could have huge impacts on them.

.
I can't say that I'm bothered about his wife; she's had affairs before BUT he chose to stay with her. Why did he do that when according to you, he's always felt this way about you?

Your situation sounds messy... and if you don't watch yourself, you will be finding yourself in an affair. Spending a night together, albeit dressed and kissing/hugging IS cheating. He is cheating. You're worth more than that. If he's going to revere you as something special then this sort of behaviour kind of belies it, doesn't it?

If I were in your position, I would tell him that he must free himself - and then spend some time on his own without us becoming a couple. I would distance myself a bit whist he does this (if he does). He needs to re-format himself before making a commitment to you/your children and learn to be his own self for a bit. That way, I think if this actually does mean something beyond a friendship, you would both have the best chance of achieving that - as two separate, free to be together, people.

Sorry Hissy, I hadn't seen your post but it looks like I've lifted it and plonked it into mine!