AARGH!! I've survived Domestic violence!! But!!.......

[BURNINGTHECANDLE]

Oh God!!! Aargh!? This year has been a rollercoaster I had a baby ok end of last year!! Dd is beautiful and I love her dearly!
Survived domestic violence, threw my NOT so DH out saw a successful court case against him for Battery and criminal damage. Passed my driving test and am in the process of divorcing DH! Have had to learnt to cope as a single mother ok not so hard she is just so lovely although has an overwhelming urge to destroy everything!!
Have joined a dating website although not immensly serious about that!! More of a distraction.
I look like I've really got it together I'm off the Ad's for PND, and most of the time I do have it together.
BUT!....There are times when I feel so sad not depressed not miserable just deep deep sadness, and it hurts so much and I feel so alone with that feeling, no-one knows..and I wouldn't want them to, as I am the one they see as coping fantastically!
Spiralling into deeply feeling sorry for herself!!! TUT
So why? Why won't that big hole inside me just heal up?
I've come through a long dark tunnel and am slowly emerging into the sunlight the otherside! I have a lovely DD,
So I just want this hole inside me not to be quite so big!

bigs hugs and congratulation and as they say time is a healer

well done

Hugs.
Just cos your strong and a "survior" doesn't mean it ain't gonna hurt now and then and Xmas always has a way of heightening these emotions.

That deep sadness sounds like a bit of lonliness, emptiness. You'll fill it, you will, just takes abit of time, ahng oin in there and life is gonna be great one day.

Thanks for that folks, yes I am finding this christmas quite a tough one! Last year saw a brand new baby and some very unplesant assults to deal with!
So I do keep finding those woosh back there moments in my head! Sureal really. Example: Setting up the xmas tree and teaching DD to sing Deck the halls she can do fa la la (so proud)!!!
But setting up xmas decarations last year he had left a fist hole in the living room door, so had to cover with cards to stop family seeing! Also social services had been informed because I called police when he kneed me in c-section scar, and becuse DD was only 10 days old and violent incident had occured in family home!
So ALTHOUGH I should be happy this year setting up tree just felt quite raw,...and well. Oh dear DD is awake and crying off to sing lullabyes!

Well, is a sad feeling but the good thing is you are focused on the important thing: You took the right decisions and now you and your DD can live safely without fear.

I think Christmas makes feelings a bit tender and so does the winter so hold on, it will pass

You sound like an amazingly strong person who's made the toughest decisions ever. Erm, I hope you congratulate yourself often!

If you didn't feel sad and find things tough, you wouldn't be normal. You've had a really rough ride and here you are, still being a super mum to your DD and getting on with your life. You're bound to look back and remember what happened. If you didn't then you wouldn't appreciate what you've got now.

It sounds like last Christmas was really vile for you. I hope your family know exactly what you went through - just thought they might not as you said you covered up the hole your ex punched in the door. Are you getting all the support you can?

Have a wonderful serene Christmas and I hope it's the first of many.

Oh BTC, I am sorry you are feeling so low.
You have been through so much & I agree that you sound amazingly strong, but it is bound to all get you down, especially at this time of year. It really heightens it all & makes you feel so low doesn't it?
I am finding it all a real struggle atm too, so I am familiar with some of the emotions you are feeling right now.
Feel free to CAT me if you like.

You've been 'coping' for so long that you haven't really had time to deal with everything. Now that you feel a bit safer and more settled you relax a little and the pressures catch up with you. give yourself time.

Yes Winky, they do know now but when that happened they didn't I am so close to my mum so hated having to lie and cover up!
I didn't really have any choice in telling them as the ex threatened DD then assulted me in Feb of this year, and whilst I was on the phone to the police he came back for another go and was recorded by the police attacking me! Fortuantly I escaped out to the street with DD in my arms and was helped by passers by as was in P.J'S at the time!
I then knew as I saw expression on his face as he was lead away in handcuffs that my marriage was in the gutter.
I have to say it was for DD's safety I refused to have him back, as I really didn't care what he did to me at that time! I was so ground down!
I have spent the last few months really trying to haul it into line and when you feel low and there are children involved it is compounded by the guilt you suffer about affecting them.
I know this sounds silly but I greive for my marriage. I wasn't planning on ending it in fact niaevley I thought he'd change, I felt if I tried harder we could have a future!
I know as I gave my statement that I was in shock. But I had the practical side to deal with, so the emotions took a back seat, and I guess now as my DD and I are feeling a little more secure and safe. That the pain and emotion is bubbling up. Winter is such a dark time...But I've tried to be really psotive today and made DD a beef cassorole, wrapped all the christmas presents, and written my christmas cards, and cleaned the house. So feel as though I have acheived something today, as was definately ignoring christmas (miserable old bugger!) not yet 30 though!?!
I just wish I could do what I do for DD, mummy makes it better and lifes ok again! AARGH mummy heel thy self!

Hi, I used to work as a counsellor st a DV refuge, and I have seen so many women got throught his feeling of depaair, as if the bottom has dropped out of the world.

You are so brave for divorcing DH, and you are so right that you need to grieve for your marriage. We all expect things to work out, or we wouldn't get hitched in the first place!! In fact, remind yourself of his good points, and the ggod times every now and then. Although he is clearly a disturbed and abusive man, who you will always be better off without, he is human, and it is good to find a few good memories to go with the bad. (if you can..)

I worked with lots of women who had survived dv in the past, and now worked at the refuge. They were all so strong, but also happy! Life moves on, but it takes a while. Don't expect too much... Aim to feel happier by next summer, to let a new spring begin and bring new opportunities for you. You will be fine, you have been so strong, and done the only thing you could do for yourself and your DD. So give yourself a hug, and a round of applause!!

It doesn't sound silly that you grieve for your marriage. I think most people feel like that - I know I certainly do.

You have been through a horrendous time & come out the other side. It is bound to all catch up with you & make you feel very down.
Christmas does magnify things & make everything seem so much worse too.

You sound a very strong person, but I know how awful it feels, especially at Christmas.
I hope the new year brings happier times for you.x

Oh dear Isolde and Messy,
Christmas comes but once a year, good job too!
Congrats on your 30th Isolde it is tough and oh it hurts.
Messy its lovely to see you back on hows it going been thinkin about you. You were my first thread I started following!
I was a bit more robust a few weeks ago. Now I'm a hubbled jumbled mess and too for my own liking!!

Well I'm studying Anatomy and Physiology at college and looking to return to work night shift so as not to impact on DD! Hope eventually to study reflexology and then practise as can work round DD that way, but at the moment struggling to survive on benefits and the megere hand out from DH!

So many different emotions ranging from to ! BUT WORSE STILL is right now I'm missing my DH and worrying about how he'll take Christmas and whether he will bother me am staying at mums he has moved to a house about 10 mins from mums and a bit worried that he will kick off! Hope not as feel a bit like I used to when he lived with me!

have only read OP, may I crudely suggest that 'once you get your hole filled' you will be fine

sorry, I am smutty

I guess I call him DH as point of reference, what I usually think about him isn't really printable on here! It's good to log on and get support in the more trying times! From now on I'll refer to him as the EX people will still know who I'm refering too. I think it takes a long while for that feeling of intimidation to fade? I often suprise myself by thinking I've come so far....to then hearing a strange sound outside and jumping out of my skin then finding I'm in flouds of tears and having to rein those emotions in and get it into check!

Please spare me the smutty jokes though at present I find nothing even vaguley entertaining about my cirumstances!
I am feeling paricularily at the mo so not really up for the amusment factor!!

BTC - i remember all those feelings. Im very glad to say its been more than 5yrs since i was in an abusive relationship.

The hole will go away in time. Have you had any counselling? i had 2 years on my own and 1 year with my current dp and it helped me so much.

You're doing all the right things, the feelings you describe are to be expected. keep focusing on your future and now and again you will suprise yourself by glancing back at where you were and seeing how far you have come.

30 is young! I am a whole 4 years older than you!

I am still around on MN, but using a different name & I am not posting any very personal bits atm.

I can identify with all your feelings though. I am really struggling with the whole Christmas thing.

It is not easy living with H atm either. I guess he is down about it all, but it just makes him horribly bad tempered.

Just feeling really tired and tonight!

((((((((((((((((((((((BTC)))))))))))))))))))

it will get better, promise!!

have you had any counselling?

Yes sorry just after court case did 10 week course on Domestic Violence. But not actually 1 to 1 councilling! Just feel I need to hold on really tight at the moment. Not a great one for councilling as still about what happened to me! Only just starting to slowly accept it my self - I love DD to pieces but I find it really hard at the moment and feel like an awful mother seriously contemplated dropping her off at a local hospital somewhere and leaving her there as felt she'd be better off without me! But she is very clingy at the moment and I knew she'd be beside herself! So have to remember that I am the grown-up and must not allow myself to have disgusting thoughts like that she is only a baby and despite the fact that I am a useless and bad mother I must make every effort to be a good one . Very tearful tonight and very unhappy , hate feeling like this it's almost like he is beating me was so determined to cope without him and make a good life without him! But I have no money, no dignity, and an overwhelming mass of pain, won't call it a hole anymore!

hi candle

you have been so strong, you have survived more than most of us will ever go through so please give yourself a break.

i'm not expert, but i think the pain you're experiencing is a healthy stage in moving on. that doesn't mean its easy, but i think acknowledging what you've been through and how you're coping is an important part of getting better. sorry, bit rambling. good luck and enjoy your christmas with your beautiful DD.

i really think you should see your gp and consider going back on ad's? and def seek one to one counselling. i know it will be hard but you will be in a better place later on for it.

you can't be expected to deal with everything that has happened to you on your own and look after a child. it's hard enough as it is being a single mother without that on top.

YOU have done nothing wrong NOTHING to be embarrassed about. The fact that you could do with someone to talk to is nothing to feel ashamed of.

Please keep posting and get it off your chest.

You are not a bad mother either, you are incredibly brave for getting out of a shit situation and giving a better life to your child and yourself.