AARGH!! I've survived Domestic violence!! But!!.......

[BURNINGTHECANDLE]

Oh God!!! Aargh!? This year has been a rollercoaster I had a baby ok end of last year!! Dd is beautiful and I love her dearly!
Survived domestic violence, threw my NOT so DH out saw a successful court case against him for Battery and criminal damage. Passed my driving test and am in the process of divorcing DH! Have had to learnt to cope as a single mother ok not so hard she is just so lovely although has an overwhelming urge to destroy everything!!
Have joined a dating website although not immensly serious about that!! More of a distraction.
I look like I've really got it together I'm off the Ad's for PND, and most of the time I do have it together.
BUT!....There are times when I feel so sad not depressed not miserable just deep deep sadness, and it hurts so much and I feel so alone with that feeling, no-one knows..and I wouldn't want them to, as I am the one they see as coping fantastically!
Spiralling into deeply feeling sorry for herself!!! TUT
So why? Why won't that big hole inside me just heal up?
I've come through a long dark tunnel and am slowly emerging into the sunlight the otherside! I have a lovely DD,
So I just want this hole inside me not to be quite so big!

I guess my DD keeps me going! I'm not really depressed just very unhappy it was a church wedding and I was in white! The vows I made were for life the feelings I felt were for life. Last year I truely hoped that things would improve that we could be a family my Ex doesn't recognise our DD and before anyone asks YES SHE WAS PLANNED AND VERY MUCH WANTED!
So I am here with my marriage torn into little pieces Oh the pain I feel isn't due to being hit or hurt, it's someone that I loved so much took the love that I gave them the child that I made and destroyed it then blamed me! So !
So yes very very very and come Christmas really quite tearful!

Sorry you are feeling so bad, BTC.
I really think you may benefit from some kind of counselling too. I have had counselling in the past & am down for more after going to my gp recently & admitting that I am struggling a bit.
Do go & speak to your gp & see what they reccomend.

Do you have supportive family?

Very supportive and lovely family. Just feel really tired and as though everything is all too much. Just don't like feeling like this but really don't feel like I have the energy or the time to find out about or even undertake councelling at the moment I just feel like it's too much effort, on top of everything else

It will slowly close - it takes a while and every so often something will make a little dent in the scar that covers it but it will go - the scar will remind you of what you have gone through to make you the brave excellent mother that you are and the hard decisions you made to give your child a better life than being brought up with that violence around you.

Please trust me - it just takes time - mine was years ago but things still make me look back and feel great sadness - but that doesn't help it just hurts but its necessary to make you realise how far you have got.

Twinkie

And above all don't feel embarrassed - whoever you go to for counselling would have seen and heard worse than you could ever imagine - he should feel embarrassed not you - it will come round and bite him on the arse one day too I can guarantee that.

I went for counselling during a really hard time when I was fighting for custody of DD and helping my sister over losing a baby in a most horrific way - she was a psychotherapist and it wasn;t like counselling - more like talking out your problems without someone interupting and telling you about the awful things that had happened to them - she just let me talk and then picked out salient points and made me see how far I had come and how well I was coping in the face of what was happening - its not embarrassing though honey - reflective and helpful and a release above all.

And just to continue harping on - my father is embarrassed that I got divorced he has nothing to do with me his new grandson or my new DH - he told me in court when he came with my stepmonster for her to take the stand against me that I was embarrassing - I just look at him and feel extreme sadness because now I am happier than he will ever be - he is with a woman he detests because he will lose half his wealth if he splits with her - he will never know what I have but he has made that choice.

ANd on the embarrssing thing - I know 6 people who are close to me that have been divorced - 2 more than once and I don't even think about it when I speak to them or think about them - its something that in time you forget - something that rightly or wrongly is so prevalent in todays society that its nothing new or different.

Oh Twinkie I feel so my DD is in bed and I'm sat here bawling my eyes out . I just don't know what to do

About what honey - how far you have come - that you are still there for her no matter what trying to make the best of things - you have come so far after everything that has happened - you mustn't lose sight of that.

Where in the UK are you - if you are in the UK?

I'm in Hertfordshire, I don't feel like I've come very far at all at the moment I just feel very small and alone with a HUGE responsibility of bringing up DD and feeling useless on a daily basis! I was coping better than this but all of a sudden in the last month I've really ended up struggling, and I'm very at myself for being so useless and

After Xmas I will come to see you if you like.

I have been there and it was hard but you do get over it - you will have little relapses - that is all this is - you will come out of the other side you know - even stronger.

The hardest time is around Xmas - DD is off to her fathers until boxing day tonight and I am dreading it but soon it will be boxing day and we will be together again - it really is a christmas thing - things seem a lot worse than they are because people are expected to be happy and excited - its hard when you aren't and everyone around you is.

I am having my tonsils out it he morning and feel pretty useless at the moment - I will come up and see you if you want me to - I know where Hoddesdon is, thats in Hertfordshire isn't it. I promise I am not a looney - have been a mumsnetter for years - just don't get much time to come on here at the moment, DS is 2 and hard work - as I imagine your little one is.

What are you doing for Christmas - you aren;t on your own are you?

And another thing - people expect you to have your sad times and they will be there for you reach out to them and they will help - people close to you would want to help rather than think you are ok when you are only putting a brave face on things.

Sorry for the late reply Twinkie DD woke up and then I needed to go to the supermarket.
Did you say you were having your tonsils out tommorrow? Good luck if you are.
DD is 13 months and very full on. I bet you'll miss your DD very much and I hope your on here tonight, or find some good t.v to watch. I think your offer is very kind and I'll think about it. One of the things I like on here is the anonimity (if thats spelt right!) you can tell everything and no-one really judges you!
I could tell my family and I suspect my mum will guess over Christmas thats were DD and I are going...as my eyes are very leaky at the moment. But you always hold back a bit.. protection I guess I remember how they were when they found out what the EX had been doing to me!
I hate to hurt or upset them so I find coming on here and just telling it how it is a bit of a relief I can just splurge all the hurt and pain out of me and then kind of go back to living my life and the pretences of coping etc that go with it (survival instinct) as DD is so small I have to hold together for her!

Hope you are ok today, BTC.

I am pleased to hear that you have supportive family around you. I hope they all rally round you over Christmas.
My family are very against my separation & it makes things a lot harder.

Take care.x

Sorry to hear that Messy I really think whatever the family think they should trust your judgement and decisions and support you, it is extremely hard to say right that's it No more! I can't take anymore. I guess like me there must be some days when you are so crashingly low you don't know how you'll ever survive this.... and some days when you know you have too and it doesn't feel like your pushing a frozen pea up hill with your nose on a very hot day! Which most of the time it does at the moment!
I had my rear wiper ripped off last night and can't help but be a little suspicious as no one else car was vandalised in the whole street

I have loads of days where I feel I haven't a clue how I will get through this, BTC. I am very familiar with that feeling.

Sorry to hear about your car being vandalised - that is the last thing you need happening atm.

Take care of yourself over Christmas.

Thanks Messy you too! and Twinkle Asprin gargles and salt water gargles should help after a tonsilectomy, and lots of rest, get well soon!
DD not sleeping so off to bed to get some valuable shut eye before she wakes up at about 2 am!!! Ugh!?

Hi, I had to add a message as I found this website by accident after searching for CAB website as I am in the same situation - I have decided to leave after a to do last night. I am suffering DV & emotinal abuse which goes hand in hand. I dont think you get DV without emotinal abuse. I just wanted to tell you all about a fantastic book I am reading at the moment about emotional abuse and its excellent. The best book going should be compulsory reading. Very helpful and informative and after reading you think "I'm not going mad" and it tells you why he does the things he does and makes you fully aware that its not your fault. After reading the string below I feel stronger to go ahead, knowing that other people have escaped this. The book is called:
"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft

Burningthecandle - Thank you for starting this thread - you have given me hope. I know things are tough but what a brave decision you have made you must feel better knowing your DD is now going to be ok and not in a bad situation too. Please try to read this book it will give you some insight on your feelings to, so you can deal with them. Please don't feel so bad you have helped another woman and 2 kids start to get their life back, after seeing well you have done. Hopfully this time I will go through with it instead of being to scared. That hole will heal and if you could see it you would see its already shrinking. Well Done.

BtC, just caught up with this thread. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing and strong person and a great mother. I hate to think of you having flashbacks when you have to look at the damage your H did to the house this time last year, and the fact that he KICKED you after a caesarian (! That is truly dreadful and I pity any woman he ends up with!)

I can totally appreciate the feeling you describe even though I haven't been in THAT situation.. but you must believe it WILL get better.. it has already since you were brave enough to get him out of your life.. and it WILL continue to improve. As I always quote "..this too shall pass..." because it will. Your whole personaility jumps off the screen; I can tell you are a positive and happy person who has had to deal with a lot of horrible stuff, but that in the past now and every day it gets further into the past, and I just know you are going to have some very happy times in the future. Yes, rough times will always come and go but you will get through them. Perhaps you can even look into the possibility of a move in the New Year so you can get away from the physical reminders of the violence that you suffered a year ago?

Wising you and your little girl and happy and peaceful Christmas and a New Year full of opportunity.

Mulledwino thanks for all you said I'm touched....but much more importantly Squiddley thanks for logging on please call your national D.v helpline 08088 088 088 they will give you the much needed advice, your local police station should have specially assigned domestic violence officers..to give advice and help if you take a police prosecution, or just provide support. Dragon Slippers is an excellent book not sure of author but an easy read as in cartoon when I'm in turmoil I find it nigh immossible to concentrate!!!!
I'm so relieved I really felt I was whinginging beyond belief and was concerned about bringing people down am aware Messy is pretty fragile right now!!
So am glad people are gaining strength from my experience honey I can tell you what you are about to embark on will be one of the most challanging, difficult times of your life there will be immense highs and crashing lows, log on for support build a good network don't drink too much (personal experience) it does f**k all for your reslove!!? "slurry voice but I miss him it wasn't really that bad"!! OH Please it was horrendous and was going to get much worse...but that was me I kid you not There are refuges I avoided one by throwing him out and police installed panic alarms but it was lonley and frightening sweetheart I'm so proud of you I never really took a stand he kind of forced my hand! The look he gave me as he was lead away said next time broken bones sheer terror made me say No! Emotional abuse does go hand in hand and is actually considered D.V. on it's own without the violence! Well done I'm having a real happy moment that my sorrow has been useful and may help someone! Thanks to all who have participated in this thread I have taken something from all of you the ex d.v couciller, Messy , Twinkle, to name just a few many thanks and Happy Christmas...lets keep it going Domestic violence is crippling and isolating ( a great conversation stopper!) we can help and support each other! xxxx

BTC

only just seen this thread and have only read the OP and i justwanted to say that i could have written your post!

I have always been very strong and nothing bothers me, but actually it does...a lot.

I feel crap most of the time but paint on a smile. In many ways i am lucky as i have two children to care for, one of which has HFA plus the court case still ongoing so i have plenty to occupy myself with.

but it deosn't stop me just not feeling right.
I am at that stage where i dont want to be on my own anymore, that im tired of fighting and i just want to be left alone...except i dont want to be alone IYSWIM.

I dont have any advice really, justwanted to say that i know how your feeling and congratulations for getting to where you are now.

Hey hugs Santasfattymuma tough time especially Christmas! hold on in there stay with the thread I think were all supporting each other on here at the moment I would be interested to see how were all going come spring! Happy Christmas let it be peaceful and pain free! xx

Hope you are ok, BTC. Just wanted to pop on here & wish you a happy Christmas. I will be thinking of you.x

BTC many thanks for the advice. Found the book online I am going to order. I have been intouch with the police and DV helplines ect but to be honest I found them no help. The DV helpline given by the police just told me to leave him as did my doctor. The police came once and one of them looked at me like I was mad - how can you let him do this sort of look - funnily enough male. I have been intouch with the no you have given me they are helpful. But I think you have to be in the right place to progress - I keep saying I am gonna leave then hes nice for a few days and I am dragged into the usual routine and have to start my thinking over. I am lucky I have one friend who is very helpful but because of my hubby I rarely get to see. Buts hes gonna keep on at me as i have asked him to not let me back out this time. I have 2 small kiddies and no family at all so have felt very lonley. But what he has not planned on is yes his behaviour has done all the bad things to me but its made me stonger. Hope christmas is good for you.

Hey guys I'm back feelin relaxed nothing better than some mum time! So catching up on the posts and hoping all are ok?
Squiddley I read and fully appreciate your post. To finally get out either something so terrible will occur you know you can't go back! But the cycle of abuse which includes the nice behaviour, well its hard too escape from. I also faced biggoted police who clearly felt that I should just leave!! Yeah right very easy! If it gets too much you could apply to go into a refuge! But my advice would be if you can get him out go for it! If he assults you ring 999 he will be arrested then the bail conditions are set that he can't come back to the property! I once revocked the bail conditions and took him back because he said he was sorry!! When they're out they'll do all they can to get back in!! Then your strenghth needs to kick in!! Which area do you live in if its Hertfordshire I can post you some more numbers that maybe of relevance to you. Hope Christmas went ok for you and messy and all the others that have posted on here

Good to hear you sounding so upbeat, BTC, hope you had a good Christmas.

Yeah I'm really determined I'm 30 in 2007! And have compiled a secret list of everything I'd like to acheive in 2007 some of its silly like owning a tiffiny bracelet! But others like getting myself respect back and finding me again are deadly serious! Honestly I'm not a bad mum because I try my hardest every day all day!! But I've applied for a job to go back to work after much soul searching and agonising!! And its only part time! The world is out there and now that I am free from the abuse, violence and pain I intend to take my daughter my the hand and we will take it head on as a team! I'M WORTH MORE THAN BEING HIS PUNCH BAG AND I'LL TELL MYSELF THAT EVERY DAY NEXT YEAR!!!
Messy I hope your Christmas was ok and 2007 finds you a corner of happiness for you and your sons to enjoy. You only need a corner and you can make it grow!
Dear all who partake in this post I wish you all happiness and when like me earlier in this post you struuggle and life is all uphill dig the nails into the palm of your hand hold on tight and go for it
I still have up days and down days it isn't even a year yet since he was arrested and forcibly removed from our home!
But whatever happens I won't give up or give in! So yeah I'm really trying at the moment for me and my DD!