Hand holding needed

[Lonely04]

I recently had my eyes open to the fact that my marriage is an abusive one and am struggling to cope with the fact that I let it go on for so long (25 years) and the pain it has caused my dd and ds.
I was always aware that things were bad, but not just how bad!
Anyway I have now started separation and told stbxh he needs to leave ASAP. He did agree before Xmas but is now acting like nothing has changed. I am planning to tell children tomorrow that I am divorcing him and tbh am falling apart but determined to see this through.
I told stbxh that I have confirmation from professionals that he is ea and he didn't bat an eyelid, still continues to verbally abuse us all daily.
Reading others threads on how they got through this has helped me so much and really just need some moral support and encouragement as am terrified I will cave ( I did two years ago when I tried to leave)

My ds is 16, and like you my stbxh has been the same for the 25 years we have been together, I too did think that it was too late, but really how can it be? Okay we should have done it sooner, but we didn't, so we can only try and do the right thing now.

I sound much stronger than I am, and am terrified about money, etc, etc, but really, can life be any worse? If the answer is no (it was for me), then something needs to be done.

I hope you find the strength, we only get one shot at life, go to citizens advice, womens aid and start taking practical steps, it really helps. x

Predictably he has just told me last night was his last for drinking. I'm so confused. I know he doesn't want me to leave but hasn't said so as is playing the I couldn't care less card at the moment.

It's all part of the pattern, you must realise that after all these years he is unlikely to change, my stbxh has made untold,promises to change, get counselling etc over the years, but never has.

He did all this yesterday and I told him that is good and I hope he does, it will be great for him and the dc, but we are still through. Think you need to ask yourself if your husband did turn into Mr perfect tomorrow, would you still want to be with him? My answer to this was absolutely not, that is the point I knew it had to end.

If my stbxh does change, I hope we can build a good relationship as Co parents, I have told him this and he seems to accept it. However we had been sleeping separately for 18 months and leading separate lives, just not told anyone else so perhaps this made it easier.

Omg, I don't know. If he did turn into Mr Perfect tomorrow then I think that would be fantastic. But there are so many aspects of his personality that are bad. Alcoholic, drug addict. Jekyll and Hyde character. Bad tempered, road rage driver.

And we still share the same bed, although sex is rare.

You are stronger than me , I'm the weakest ever!

I don't think I am stronger than you, just further along in my journey. You need to trust in your self and push on with what you think is best, there is no hurry, just arm yourself with support and you will know when you are ready, I would never have been able to do this 2 years ago, but somehow you just find the strength when you need it.

Have you contacted woman's aid? They are fantastic, the first few session I had were terrible, they told me in no uncertain terms that my dc were being abused, this broke me initially but also made me realise it had to stop.

I wish I could pass the feelings I have now to you, I feel so optimistic and excited about the future, even though I know there are going to be more tough times ahead, I won't lie, there have been some truly terrible moments in the past few weeks, but it really is worth it. Everyone tells you that and it is hard to believe, take my word for it, they are right!

Thanks do much for your advice. Maybe I will know when the time is right. I do feel its now, but don't feel strong enough. I am sorry for hijacking your thread.

Good luck on your upcoming new and exciting journey xxx

Lonely I want to thank you from your future adult children. Your H sounds exactly like my dad. I loved him because he was my Dad but I didn't like him at all. He's been dead over 10 years and I still can't forgive him for the way he treated me. I'm close to my Mum but so resentful that she was too weak to challenge him or leave him. He was a shit to her too. Now I have kids of my own and it really hits home how awful my childhood was. My DH can be moody when he's tired but is a wonderful dad. BUT... One cross word to the kids when he's just grumpy and I'm on him like a shot. I can not tolerate anyone treating them like second class citizens. Thank you for doing what my Mum should have done... Protect her children from this corrosive abuse. You're a good Mum... Don't doubt yourself.

Thank you Dani for your lovely words and Tick Tack, you are not hijacking just sharing which is helpful to us all. I sometimes think if I had confided in people earlier I may have found the strength sooner. Just because you need more time, don't disappear, keep talking.

Look at you Lonely, giving wise and compassionate advice to another hurting soul! I hope you realize that your ability to see the truth of another's situation (as well as your own) shows how far you really have come.

Thanks AcrossthePond, I do feel I have come a long way, although still have moments of complete doubt, helps reading from others that this is normal, not a sign that I've made the wrong choice.

Lonely04, I would recommend ready 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, I found myself nodding to it a lot when I left my abusive H last year. It might help when the doubts arise, when you think you have imagined or exaggerated the abuse.

Learning more about terms like Gaslighting, narcissistic personalities, cycle of abuse really really helped me to understand my brain fog. It's so difficult to think straight in an abusive relationship. You are doing so, so well in protecting your children from a miserable way of life.

My DDs are younger and they have been through many ups and downs and still really miss and yearn for their dad. I found this extremely upsetting and blamed myself for leaving till
I read somewhere that children of divorce will always, always ask why their parents are divorced and will mourn the break up of the relationship. It's no different with an abusive relationship. You children will just need lots of time to accept this; it's a big change even if it is a good one there is a long period of adjustment ahead.

I don't want to put a downer on things by saying that, I just really want you to know it's entirely normal and you will be able to ride through it a day at a time.

Thanks Namechanger, so glad you got through it and hope that by this time next year we will be through the worst of it.
It upsets me that dc feel so upset about their dad going and if I am honest sometimes feel a little angry (although I would never show it), that he has been such a crap parent yet they still stick up for him. I know he is their dad and they will always love him but I do hope as they get older they will see why this had to happen.