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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding needed

87 replies

Lonely04 · 29/12/2015 08:01

I recently had my eyes open to the fact that my marriage is an abusive one and am struggling to cope with the fact that I let it go on for so long (25 years) and the pain it has caused my dd and ds.
I was always aware that things were bad, but not just how bad!
Anyway I have now started separation and told stbxh he needs to leave ASAP. He did agree before Xmas but is now acting like nothing has changed. I am planning to tell children tomorrow that I am divorcing him and tbh am falling apart but determined to see this through.
I told stbxh that I have confirmation from professionals that he is ea and he didn't bat an eyelid, still continues to verbally abuse us all daily.
Reading others threads on how they got through this has helped me so much and really just need some moral support and encouragement as am terrified I will cave ( I did two years ago when I tried to leave)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 18:22

That sounds good.

Keep being firm and consistent with your children. Rise above any "drama llama" stuff from them (I am not dismissing a child's upset, btw, but if your dd is anything like mine was around age 13/14, the whole world revolved around her). How old is she ?

Yes, you are probably going to have to "manage" all of this. It's going to be exhausting, but the rewards will be priceless.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 18:23

When he is around, your kids will probably feel like they have to be "seen" to be sticking up for him.

But I think that will fade over time.

Balders74 · 30/12/2015 18:37

Hi Lonely. Your story sounds very similar to mine but I am a year ahead of you. On 2nd Jan I told my STBXH that I'd had enough. I have a DD & a DS as well & I didn't want them to be affected by the awful atmosphere anymore. He sobbed & disappeared overnight, told the DC he didn't want this etc. I told him I wanted him out asap but it took 3 months :( I started divorce proceedings almost immediately & my decree nici should come through in the next week.

This last year has been difficult but things are so much better for my DC. The atmosphere in the house is SO much better. The DC no longer hide in their rooms, we spend time together & they are doing really well.

Stay strong. The next few months will be hard but I promise it will be worth it.
Flowers

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 18:47

DD is 11 and quite prone to dramatics so am trying not to pander, she seems to need firm handling and responds best to this.

This evening has given me a taste of what's to come and although feel for dc I also feel optimistic about the future and as though a weight has lifted, hoping this will keep me going through the next few weeks.

Balders - it amazes me how many similar stories there are and your positive comments are lovely to hear, thanks. x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 18:50

Like I said, I don't wish to take away from her distress

But I am sure before long she will be rather enjoying the extra attention she will get x

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 30/12/2015 18:58

Well done on being so strong! You sound like an amazing mum.

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 21:03

Oh god, just went in to say good night to ds, (he is 16) He is lying in bed quietly crying, accepted a hug and a kiss, told him I love him and said would he like to talk?, he very politely said no, so I told him I would give him some space but he was to just ask if he wanted to talk or a hug.

Feel as though I have shattered his life.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 30/12/2015 21:16

You haven't, you really haven't.

You all need time and space to grieve for the family you wanted. The only person to blame here is your husband. Flowers

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 21:29

I can't believe I have been so strong for the last month, dealing with plans for leaving and all the practicalities without any doubts, now I am sitting here crying, remembering the good times and seriously we questioning my decision, why does this happen? and how can I get through it? I can't even remember the anger I felt when stbxh made dc cry on Xmas morning! What is wrong with me!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 23:31

Is your ds not allowed to cry ?

Maybe he is having a bit of a wallow about how family life should be and the fact that when his father goes he will get something far more resembling it.

Jux · 31/12/2015 00:13

It may be healthy unleashing of emotion. He's been abused too so has probably been holding quite a lot in. Now, when the end has come it is safe to let that emotion have its head. He will be mourning the dad he wanted to have but never got, too.

People cry. It can be a good thing.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2015 00:15

I still cry sometimes for the man my father could never be

and I am in my 50's

PitPatKitKat · 31/12/2015 05:12

Agree that it's a good thing that your son had a cry. It's a lot of pent emotion coming out, plus grieving for the father he should have had. He sounds quite mature.

I think you both handled it right- you made sure he knows you are there, he doesn't want to run the risk of making you sad with what he says as you are "in" the situation too (I think this is the reason counselling was invented to be honest- so sensitive and considerate people can talk about their feelings without having to worry about inadvertantly saying something that also triggers their loved one).

I think your daughter is allowed to act up a bit too for a while- just needs firm, gentle and loving handling when she does. It's just her equivalent of crying.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/12/2015 05:33

Your children will be distressed over the coming period but they are already distressed living with an emotional abuser. Distress shouldn't be a reason not to follow through.

WavingNotDrowning · 31/12/2015 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lonely04 · 31/12/2015 07:42

Thanks everyone, feeling stronger this morning and your advice has helped.

On a practical level can anyone advise how you sorted finances out in the interim period before financial order was in place.

All our finances are tied to a joint account, all wages go into it and all bills paid from it. I am reluctant to transfer these all to an account in my own name because until he goes and I receive maintenance and tax credits, I will be unable to manage, but cannot claim these whilst he is here.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/12/2015 07:44

I think yo can claim tax credits while he is still there- call them today and ask

Original poster
Lonely04 · 01/01/2016 08:50

Things are moving forward, I have contacted tax credits and claim pack is on its way and stbxh has agreed to go asap. Dc are calmer and have talked to me quite a lot, asking practical questions to. I am so glad I stayed firm through the bad part, easiest thing would have been to cave but now I really feel things will eventually be okay.

Only concern I have is that stbxh has now (predictably) turned into Mr reasonable and Disney dad. Should I just be pleased that all is calm or mention to stbxh that it would be fairer to dc to hold off with the great dad act until he has gone?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 01/01/2016 10:10

It will pass. It's just to make you panic and doubt yourself. It's textbook. Well done Flowers

Squeegle · 01/01/2016 10:18

You are doing the right thing. Well done. Keep focused on you, not his behaviour. The whole point of abusiveness is the inconsistency! It keeps you in a permanent state of nervousness!

It helped me to write down all the awful stuff in chronological order. It was a good exercise for me in why things had to change. And even now (three years on), it is a good reminder of why me and my ex are not together.

Keep strong. Flowers

purplepandas · 01/01/2016 10:20

Just saw this but well done to you on sorting this for your future happiness and that of your children. I truly hope that you stbxh leaves asap and that you get to enjoy some peaceful times as a family. I would ignore the disney dad. Totally agree with kittybiscuits that this is textbook.

Original poster
Lonely04 · 01/01/2016 10:49

Thanks. He has taken dd out this morning, although she is the one who kicked off the most and said she wanted him to stay, she was very reluctant to go with him!
I have decided I will simply remain consistent and calm, I do not need to continuously remind dc what their dad is like and determined not to become a bitter person bad mouthing him.
It seemed to do the trick, waved goodbye to her with a smile and she told me she loved me.
How do others cope when their dc don't want to go out with their dad's? I am worried about when he has moved out that this might be an issue?
Thank goodness for mumsnet!

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 01/01/2016 11:00

Lonely, I so need to find your resolve from somewhere. You have just about made it, and looking at the other side already. I need to get there too xxx

Original poster
Lonely04 · 01/01/2016 11:17

Ticktack- It has taken me 2 years to find the strength and resolve to do this, what kept me strong was the fact that I couldn't bear the thought that in 10 years my dc would ask me why I didn't protect them.

I would also say read as much as you can about your situation and make it a daily task to keep reading and reinforcing the knowledge that you need to take action. Feel the Fear and do it Anyway is a fantastic book and really helped me.

Not sure what you situation is, but I can tell you that there were times when I didn't think I would be strong enough, I am now realising how good life will be in the future.

Keep talking, share your worries, it really helps. x

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 01/01/2016 11:31

I've left it too late really, our dd is already damaged. She is 17, and he has been the same since we met 28 years ago. I've been wanting to leave for at least 5 years. I tagged last night's happenings onto another thread here but not getting replies, I need to copy and paste onto a new thread.

Hopefully I will just be able to do it. I've been looking for a place to rent this morning, but they're so expensive I can't afford it.

Congratulations on your magnificent strength and resolve.