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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding needed

87 replies

Lonely04 · 29/12/2015 08:01

I recently had my eyes open to the fact that my marriage is an abusive one and am struggling to cope with the fact that I let it go on for so long (25 years) and the pain it has caused my dd and ds.
I was always aware that things were bad, but not just how bad!
Anyway I have now started separation and told stbxh he needs to leave ASAP. He did agree before Xmas but is now acting like nothing has changed. I am planning to tell children tomorrow that I am divorcing him and tbh am falling apart but determined to see this through.
I told stbxh that I have confirmation from professionals that he is ea and he didn't bat an eyelid, still continues to verbally abuse us all daily.
Reading others threads on how they got through this has helped me so much and really just need some moral support and encouragement as am terrified I will cave ( I did two years ago when I tried to leave)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 10:49
Flowers
Jux · 30/12/2015 11:45

Oh well done you! So happy you have that extra support behind you now.

Flowers
Finola1step · 30/12/2015 11:50
Flowers
PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 12:48

Glad your parents have got your back, glad it's out in the open in RL now and you feel relieved. Flowers

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2015 15:25

I'm so glad! It's always better (and strengthening) to have things in the open. I'm sure your parents will be a great support to you!

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 15:32

I have told the kids, it hasn't gone well, ds hasn't said a word and dd said she will hate me forever.

He is currently with them telling them that this is my decision, he doesn't want to go, how much he loves them and always will etc, etc.

I think my heart has broken and don't know how to deal with this, I have said he has a week to go, but he says he needs more time, just stalling tactics, he hasn't even thought about where he will go and is busy telling the kids that now.

OP posts:
PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 15:37

Sorry to hear that Lonely.

Time and space and looking after yourself will make you feel better. And time and consistency will pay off with your kids too.

You're right about his stalling tactics.

Stay strong Flowers

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 15:56

You will need to start divorce proceedings, it would seem. He should go today. if he was a decent bloke, he would. Giving him more time to abuse all of you is not the answer.

He isn't going to go though. He will stay put, dripping poison in the kid's ears.

All the more reason to contact a solicitor tomorrow.

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 16:04

I have arranged to see a solicitor next weds and discussed the option of getting an occupation order to have him removed, although this will be a last resort as will end up costing thousands.
He is walking round the house sobbing and saying he can't believe this is happening, and he would do anything for his kids, at this point I lost it and said 'don't you dare say you would do anything for your kids, all you had to do was stop abusing them and you couldn't manage that' not proud of myself as the kids heard, but maybe they needed to.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 16:10

Watch out, love. This is quite a dangerous time for you.

The sobbing will stop when he realises that tactic isn't working.

If he becomes remotely threatening, even verbally, call the police and report him

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 16:22

Thanks AF, I thought I was strong enough for this, but now doubting myself. Just read messages from my dd to her friend saying her life is over, her mum is kicking her dad out because he shouts and swears, but she knows he can't help it!
Wow how did my kids get so messed up?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 30/12/2015 16:28

Whenever you waiver, remind yourself of what your DD is saying and its long term implications. She is saying that she has learnt that an adult male can't always help their behaviour Sad. That thought alone should spur you on in the dark times ahead.

I wonder how many women on here in abusive relationships were also brought up to believe that Dad couldn't help / control his own behaviour, drinking, fists.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 16:30

The very worst thing you could now would be to cave and change your mind. That would be utterly confusing for everyone and put you in a worse position than you were before.

You can see it through. Couples split every day, there is nothing different about your situation. Yes, your daughter is upset, but she will get over it. That is a typical overwrought teenage/preteen reaction. Her life is not over, I would place that in the "dramallama" box, tbh. The fact is you have the right to end your marriage without anyone else's approval, including that of your children. Don't read any more of her messages.

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 16:37

It's so scary that I didn't see this happening, just pray it's not too late. I do think once he has gone he will be much better with them as it is usually when he loses patience that things get bad, this will be better for them but hope it doesn't make them hate me more when they forget the bad side of him.
Has anyone else had this? Don't want to have to spend the next year's reminding them how abusive their dad was, but also don't want to be the one that broke the family up for no reason.
This is so hard.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 16:44

No reason ?

You have plenty of reason.

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 17:36

Lonely I think they'll realise how abusive their dad was when they have had a break from it for a while, and don't feel the need to appease him with their behaviour.

Two things:

  1. I agree with AF that this is a dangerous time for you, when your husband realises that the sobbing tactics won't work. I think your daughter is tuned into that (in that way kids are, they can't necessarily properly articulate it, but they segue seamlessy in their best coping mechanisms). So heed your daughter's reaction as the finely tuned and accurate radar it really is, and act wisely and effectively reactions accordingly to keep yourself and your kids safe. Her anxiety levels and fear are the early warning system, she's very finely tuned. Kids are survival machines in some ways, she's a good barometer of what storms there are to come from him.
  1. Your kids do have a right to be upset, scared etc by what is going on. That isn't a reason for not going forward on this path. But it is a reason for being aware of your kids needs, making sure they have safe channels of communication to air their feelings, making sure that their feelings are accepted and respected (even if those feelings are not the absolute determining factor).

And you do have reason. I really do believe parents should generally make every effort to stay together for the sake of their kids. EXCEPT when there is abuse. If one parent abuses the other parent or a child, then that totally outweighs everything else in terms of the child's wellbeing. It is more important for a child's long term health and development to grow up in an abuse free household than with both biological parents. So you are not being selfish doing this, you are not doing it for no reason. You have every reason- your health and wellbeing and your children;s health and wellbeing.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2015 17:45

Please, please don't rise to his bait. Remain calm and silent. Everything he does and says is calculated to make you do or say something in response that he can beat you over the head with, use to make you doubt yourself, or make you feel guilty about. Don't let him. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone, least of all him. He knows what he's done.

As far as the children, you'll just have to let time work that out. Try not to get in arguments with them, that's what he wants. He'll turn it on you with them to make you look like the unreasonable one. Just tell them that you love them, you understand that they are angry but that you cannot live with their father any more because of his abusive behaviour. Don't engage if they start arguing, don't justify or give them example after example, they aren't listening right now. Just repeat 'I know you're angry, but this is best for all of us even if you don't see it that way now'.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 17:46

Lonely do any of the points raised here resound with you ? The man is a Loser.

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 17:50

BrewCakeFlowers

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 30/12/2015 17:52

I always thank my mum (literally) for kicking my dad out when she did. Although his behaviour was still toxic over the years and we grew to understand how awful he could be, if mum hadn't have kicked him out when she did, I'd just have a thousand more awful memories of him.

You're doing the right thing and you know it. As the adult you get to decide what is right for the children not them. They will see this one day and it will probably be sooner than you think.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2015 17:56

I wish my mother had kicked my dad into touch when I was a kid.

She did once, when I was away travelling in my late teens. She even moved out into her own little rented (peaceful, free from the verbal abuse) house

I came home to find he had bought her a puppy and she had moved back in.
My respect for her finally died on that day.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/12/2015 18:02

That article could have a picture of my father next to it

Lonely, get out and do not feel guilty about the dc's you are doing the right thing for them, they have been brought up in such a chaotic environment they don't even know what is normal

Original poster
Lonely04 · 30/12/2015 18:05

I am overwhelmed by the support on here.
You are all so right and wise!
He has gone out for the evening, within 20 minutes the drama was over, we have all sat and had pizza and ice cream and it is calm and pleasant .
I am finding strength I never knew I had, have explained firmly that this is his doing, he was given opportunities to change and get help but chose not to take them and have explained that I will not tolerate anyone calling my children names, it's fine if they don't mind being called names, but I do and I won't tolerate it anymore. Amazingly they seem to accept this and I hope it takes some of the self blame from them.
What a shame he will be back later, but at least I have a vision of how things will be in the future.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/12/2015 18:14

That's great lonely, keep focussing on that. You know that things will probably get worse before they get better but there is an end in sight and you have taken your power back

PitPatKitKat · 30/12/2015 18:14

Well that's going well then Brew Good way to get it across to your DC. people always like being stood up for.

So, he's the unsettling influence. They act up when he's around because his behaviour upsets them. No wonder TBH.

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