Part-time children breaking my heart.

[Flangeshrub]

My DH had a affair and it was discovered almost a year ago and we split. We have 50/50 shared residency. I did not choose this but he would fight me for this and I didn't see any point fighting for something I would lose.

DC are 5 and 8. Since separation they have spent alternate nights in houses. They have both required counselling.

I'm struggling so much with not seeing my children enough. My heart is breaking all the time. I have been suicidal and my mental health worries me constantly. Everything else is okay, it's just my kids. I love them so much. I never ever expected to live apart from them. I can't believe it.

I had fertility treatment and tried for years to have them, their father was ambivalent - spent his life in the pub. I've done everything for them up until we split, I'm just so sad.

My point is, not one person I speak to either recognises my situation is sad, or that if they have 50/50 see it as a sad situation. I feel insane. Lots of people tell me I should be happy I could do loads of other stuff (like go to the pub great!) I know their father feels he has a wonderful outcome - his kids half the time, but plenty time to get pissed (he tells everyone).

Am I the first person to be devastated at only seeing my kids half the time - believe me Ive spoken to loads of people about it! Do people just not enjoy kids maybe?

Night, I know a few adults who feel exactly like you re.50:50 following separation. They too felt as though they had no real home.

I stayed married for 11 years for the simple reason I couldn't face having my children for any less than all the time. I know how you feel OP. It does get easier.

Me and ExH separated three years ago and the first year was awful with really sporadic care patterns and having the children used as weapons. After we finally got through mediation, a 50/50 arrangement was agreed with one full week with each parent.

My DC hated it (they were, and still are, very young) and were always saying how they just wanted to stay with me - and saying the exact same thing to ExH. They were so confused and unhappy and just wanted some stability - the marriage breakdown was destabilising enough!

Things had to change and, through court, we have now got a very different care arrangement in place with me being the primary carer and ExH having much, much less access (his choice).

After waffling on and to return to your OP, I felt exactly the same - I didn't have my DC to spend half my life away from them and it broke me almost every time. If your DC are happy with the arrangement then unfortunately, you will have to begin to accept it but it doesn't sound like that is the case. You've been apart only a year - the fall out from your separation is probably also affecting them and the confusion of waking up in a different house every day must be very unsettling.

You don't say if you and your ex's relationship is amicable. If it is, could you get together to get something a bit more stable in place. If not, perhaps propose mediation so that you can get a neutral viewpoint - some places will also speak with the children.. whilst they are still young, your eldest has probably got definite ideas on what he would prefer and this could well be considered.

I know it is so hard and people are only trying to be kind. Until the reality of spending that time apart happens, it is hard to understand. I can only say that time does heal and hopefully you will start to find other ways to fill the time apart. I never thought I would cope - I cried after every drop off for months - but I eventually got there.

It was actually ExH who forced the change in our pattern - but I am so glad he did. It was an awful time but the last year has seen my DC bloom into being so much more secure, happy and confident.. My DD also had counselling as she was struggling so much and I think the 50/50 care impacted on this - her school saw an immediate change when the new arrangement came into place. I would take a long hard look at the impact on your DC and if it is truly negative (and not just as a result of you struggling with the change yourself), you have to step up and force it. It will be awful, you won't get everything you want necessarily, but it has to work for your DC or it could effect them for a long time to come.

Good luck

Every other night? Sound horrendous. For them. What about weeks/week-ends?

Forgive me I haven't read every post so not sure if this is a new perspective but I was the cause of me and my DD's dad splitting, I had the affair before discovering I was pregnant (not proud, but also not gonna bullshit). And I'm glad we aren't together, my DD would be miserable at us fighting all the time. She has never known us to be "together".

We have 50/50 or 60/40 at a push and I hate every moment that she's gone. It's set by court and he's a capable father. But it just feels like part of my soul is missing without her and I'm crushed. I actually go to bed and cry or mope. The only time I function is if me and DP book a trip away when she's gone (she does 2 overnights in a row but 3 full days and it's every week). She goes to nursery on "my" days as well and I actually resent nursery/school for taking my time with her away I find it heartbreaking.

I keep myself going by remembering that this is so positive for her and she's not unsettled in the slightest, she's very happy and I never let her see me upset about it. But I 100% empathise with that feeling of part of you is missing for half the week. Distraction is key but personally I struggle with it and want to punch every person that says "it gives you time to do your chores"

My daughter sees her dad 50/50. But to make it easier for her so she isn't backwards and forwards all week she goes in a block of days so she's with me for 4 nights and then at his for 3 nights. It works well for us and that way she isn't getting confused. Is this something you could consider?

I do find it hard and miss her like crazy but I also have to remember that her dad probably feels the same when she's with me.

I have a 50/50% arrangement (sort of) but we live 5 minutes apart and I see the children everyday. We do a 3/4 nights split then 4/3 and I do the school run most days and we do morning or afternoon at the weekend and then swap over. My ex DP original wanted "full custody" but in the end said he'd settle for 50/50%. Reality is in terms of nights and school holidays it's even but not in terms of hours and input.

To be honest in my situation, I do need a break from the DC. Prior to split I did everything for 6 years ( all bedtimes/wake-ups etc, partly my fault for enabling that situation). Also it is better for the children now contrary to what others might thing.

Being in a dysfunctional relationship is as damaging for children as being in an abusive one. My DD's mental health was suffering( as was mine) because I could no longer tolerate living the way I was.

I do miss them when they are away but I also miss the influence and control I had over parenting them and that was probably something I needed to let go. Also I find parenting so very difficult. I think you'll find it's not that other people don't love or miss their children but if you have difficulties parenting or maybe have children with difficulties or are socially isolated or introverted, then time to recuperate is very important.

I do think swapping every night is very disruptive though so wondering if you could consider a 3/4 pattern instead.