Part-time children breaking my heart.

[Flangeshrub]

My DH had a affair and it was discovered almost a year ago and we split. We have 50/50 shared residency. I did not choose this but he would fight me for this and I didn't see any point fighting for something I would lose.

DC are 5 and 8. Since separation they have spent alternate nights in houses. They have both required counselling.

I'm struggling so much with not seeing my children enough. My heart is breaking all the time. I have been suicidal and my mental health worries me constantly. Everything else is okay, it's just my kids. I love them so much. I never ever expected to live apart from them. I can't believe it.

I had fertility treatment and tried for years to have them, their father was ambivalent - spent his life in the pub. I've done everything for them up until we split, I'm just so sad.

My point is, not one person I speak to either recognises my situation is sad, or that if they have 50/50 see it as a sad situation. I feel insane. Lots of people tell me I should be happy I could do loads of other stuff (like go to the pub great!) I know their father feels he has a wonderful outcome - his kids half the time, but plenty time to get pissed (he tells everyone).

Am I the first person to be devastated at only seeing my kids half the time - believe me Ive spoken to loads of people about it! Do people just not enjoy kids maybe?

Yes, totally agree shutthatdoor but quite why that requires them constantly shuttling between houses I am not sure. Seems ghastly.

OP isn't entitled to a free half hour with a solicitor seacabbage, that's a myth. I do agree she'd benefit from substantive legal advice but it may need to be paid for.

fanny it isn't a myth, sorry. There are solicitors around my way who do this. I used one myself, as did XH.

fanny is right there is no entitlement to a free half hour. But many solicitors offer it.

It is 100% a myth that half an hour of free advice is an entitlement. It isn't. I know this because I've been a solicitor myself for several years. It is true that some solicitors offer a free half hour, but it's a marketing technique and they certainly don't have to. It's also possible that there'll be a solicitor close to OP offering a free half hour but it won't be enough. This is why although I agree OP would benefit from substantive legal advice, she needs to be clear that it may well need to be paid for.

I don't know why people think doing the laundry is a logistical issue.

When my daughter sleeps at my house, her clothes go into my laundry basket. When she's at her father's they go into his

You don't keep half their clothes in each house. They have enough clothes at each house to cope with an occasional situation where slightly more pairs of school rights end up in one place than the other - and it rights itself quick enough.

You soon slip into "rules".

In my case for example, when I'm working away, her dad takes her to breakfast club at 07:30. If she does a weekday night with him when I'm home, I like to walk her to school. So she comes to me at 07:30. She didn't wake up with me. Our rule is, whoever does the school/club drop does the packed lunch. So even if she wakes up with him, if she gets dropped off with me early, I do her packed lunch.

It's just how it is, and not hard to manage.

Seriously, how do you cope with washing has NEVER been an issue!

I think it's great the courts are moving towards 50/50 more and more.

The children should be at the heart of it, equal time with both is a great outcome. Regardless of the reason for any split, one parent getting a night and a weekend once a fortnight is wrong and very little time at all. Neither sex is automatically a better parent so joint residency is a better starting point.

Of course they will be missed when with the other parent but it's not a reason to stop them going or cutting down contact. They should always be first priority, the needs of the parents is very secondary.

Of course it's not only men I agree nottoday. I should say the parent who breaks up the marriage.

That's a very simplistic view though fox. Firstly, marriages end for all sorts of reasons, even affairs are not always black and white.

But even with all that in mind, children are not bargaining chips to be used to punish one parent or another.

If the person who broke up the marriage lost access to their children the entire court system would rapidly seize up with bitterly fought 'he said she said' battles over whose fault the breakup was. Again, what are the interests of the child? Not to lose access to one or other parent who I not morally perfect but who may nonetheless be a more than adequate parent.

Still feeling heartbreak for the op and there may be a better arrangement but it is possible that the current one is the best available.

And someone who ends a marriage because they were unhappy would be unable to do so for fear of losing their children.

The idea of using children to punish parents is in no-one's interests and is all about revenge.

Wannabe I guess you're right about marriages ending for all sorts of reasons. But in my opinion affairs are totally black and white. You want to be with someone else, end your marriage with dignity. There is no excuse for it, and in OP's case, which I responded to, the husband broke the marriage by cheating and that's why the kids are in counselling. So yes naturally I feel it's unfair for the mother, though I do understand the children must be central to any decision making.

I broke up my marriage because I was unhappy. I don't see why my son should lose a relationship with me or with his dad. We broke up with each other, not with DS.

I would go completely round the twist as an adult if I were living in two places at once. It's so disorienting.

We've got a holiday home abroad and that's quite confusing enough - sometimes I can't remember which kitchen I'm in, where the knives are, which coat I've got in which house.

You've got to sort out a saner way of dividing up your contact time. I don't believe it's not going to impact on them.

No advice, but I really feel awful for you having to say goodbye to your children 4 times a week, I agree with others there are better ways to have 50:50.

I do 50:50 with exh. I hate it. I blindly agreed on the day of him telling me we were splitting in the hope of salvaging things. I wish I'd refused. I have a pattern that moves a day each week, thus I can't take up a hobby that is on the same night each week, and it's impossible to arrange Childcare if I need to, since who will sign up for a stupid pattern. I do find myself moping on non child days unless I manage to fill those days with something. I often find exh has foisted the kids on a relative and dissapeared fishing or something in 'his' days, and it makes me angry. I irrationally want first refusal if he's not actually having them on his days. Kids resent the relative they get foisted on, and they struggle a bit with the arrangements, I can't see them carrying on ,like this post divorce and settlement actually, I think it is much better for the kids if they primarily live at one address and vist the NRp often. Better for everyone really. Of course, I would be devastated if I were not the nrp though. Plus, I have nagging feeling that he only proposed 50:50 so he could avoid maintenance. One child has already said he would prefer to live in one house, because it's awkward trying to arrange school work, social life around two homes, but feels he can't express his preference for fear of upsetting the other parent.

This would break my heart, if he didn't do half of the work with the children before the split he would not be awarded 50:50 through courts
I went through the courts with my dds father and he gets 1 over night contact every 2weeks, I raised dd alone during relationship and it never changed after, I've had my full residency and his visitation in place for 3yrs, I tried to get him more involved but he was always hit and miss. I am old fassioned in thinking that a child needs their mother more than their father.
Maybe you could consider the court battle they will always do right by the child not parents and that is what you want.
As for feeling mentally up and down I think you should visit doctors, you may feel shy or nervous about this but they are great and understand not everything is physically visible, they will help guide you

I refused to d 50/50 with Ex when we split up, he fought me for it and lost. He works shifts on a 3 week rotation, DS1 was 5 months when he left and still ebf, so it was refused on those grounds. He then asked for every weekend fri-mon, and that failed too when he couldn't say who'd be looking after DS1 at weekends/evenings while he worked. DS1 is 10 now and Ex hasn't ever gone for 50/50 since. We arrange contact between ourselves and manage a pretty friendly, positive relationship now, but I'd still oppose 50/50 as it's not in DS1's interests. And, selfishly, I don't think I'd be willing to spend that amount of time away from DS1.

Could you attempt to go back via the courts and have it looked at formally? You're not mad to miss them; anyone would. I think some people are just better at compartmentalising things. DS1's Dad doesn't text or phone when he's not seen him for a fortnight; it's a case of out of sight, out of mind. I think a lot of people handle it that way because to dwell on it could make them terribly sad.

We do 50:50, as when we were together, H did equal parenting on all fronts, it seemed just hideous to slash their time with him to EOW and 1 day in a week, I can't ever see why this is seen as "normal" and "fair" unless the kids were already used to seeing dad that little? Note to cutteduppear : i know a lot of parents who really should be doing 50:50 but because of their own feelings, want to have the lionshare of contact time. So wrong! We have a system whereby on a Sunday afternoon, if with me, they then go to dads. Weds afternoon, they come back to me. Friday afternoon, back to dads til sunday. Sunday afternoon, back to me til weds. And so it goes.....they know where they are, they aren't chopping and changing daily, they get a decent block of time with each of us, which is what they want. Yes at times i have found it really hard, the grief for the "family" i felt i had lost, well even 4 years down the line i still feel it. But neither of us has ever had either child at one of our houses and wanting to be at the other / tears / unwilling to go. It works for them and therefore for us. It takes a lot of coming to terms with as a parent as that feeling of "it was never meant to be like this" never really goes. It's not what you envisage when you marry / have kids. But as exes we get on well; it could be a hell of a lot worse.....

Weighing in from the perspective of a child who had 50:50 contact until the age of 14. Spent one week with each parent.

Obviously it depends on the personality of the child and OPs children may be fine with the current arrangement but 50:50 was awful for me. Being shuttled back and forth like a parcel never having an actual home or family. Would wake up in the morning not knowing where I was and panicking.

Has a huge impact on me to this day, am a massive homebody who hates being away or DH being away.

Divorce is never fair on children. A lot of my contemporaries have divorced parents due to the divorce boom in the nineties and I don't know anyone who has maintained an equal relationship with both parents and that is regardless of custody arrangements :(

There are literally thousands of DCs in "shared care" arrangements between their parents and extended family - DCs who go to grandmas after school 2,3 or even 4 nights in a row when mum and dad are both working, spend weekends at aunts houses when their parents shifts dictate, or are shipped off to godparents during school holidays. I've never seen a critical word said about those arrangements - no one suggests that is damaging for the DCs.

How is shared care between split parents any different? If DCs can cope with having their own bed and a toothbrush in their cousins house, how come its considered so much harder when the care is shared between parents homes?

OP I'm sorry you are finding it so hard. I've had 50:50 care of my DD for 6 years. I ended my marriage. My ex wasn't abusive. But he believed that 50:50 was right for DD, and I agreed, which has been adapted and changed to suit DD over the years. I can understand how difficult it would be if I didn't think it was working for her.

It will depend on the child pretty, I couldn't have dealt with regularly staying at relatives houses either. Some children need a lot of stability, others less so.

night that is my fear for these children. Feeling constantly "between homes".

pretty those kinds of arrangements shuttling children around to extended family sound pretty awful too. The child must feel crap, on some level at least, to be shunted around to wherever is convenient

I understand that my parents were trying to do what they thought was best for me in maintaining equal contact with both parents. When I moved in full time with my dad when 14 was when I finally felt that I had a home and that I belonged. It did mean sacrificing an equal relationship with other members of the family but for me was worth it (and not saying that that is the case for all children!).