Part-time children breaking my heart.

[Flangeshrub]

My DH had a affair and it was discovered almost a year ago and we split. We have 50/50 shared residency. I did not choose this but he would fight me for this and I didn't see any point fighting for something I would lose.

DC are 5 and 8. Since separation they have spent alternate nights in houses. They have both required counselling.

I'm struggling so much with not seeing my children enough. My heart is breaking all the time. I have been suicidal and my mental health worries me constantly. Everything else is okay, it's just my kids. I love them so much. I never ever expected to live apart from them. I can't believe it.

I had fertility treatment and tried for years to have them, their father was ambivalent - spent his life in the pub. I've done everything for them up until we split, I'm just so sad.

My point is, not one person I speak to either recognises my situation is sad, or that if they have 50/50 see it as a sad situation. I feel insane. Lots of people tell me I should be happy I could do loads of other stuff (like go to the pub great!) I know their father feels he has a wonderful outcome - his kids half the time, but plenty time to get pissed (he tells everyone).

Am I the first person to be devastated at only seeing my kids half the time - believe me Ive spoken to loads of people about it! Do people just not enjoy kids maybe?

I found that DS was getting fractious due to not knowing when he was going to see each parent, both of whom he had a strong relationship with. But obviously, every arrangement will attract its critics.

I would absolutely hate this op. My dd has spent every other weekend with her father since she was a baby, she's now 11. I think the court would've given him more but he doesn't live in the same town as us so he couldn't manage it realistically with his work even though he did try.
I hate it when she's away and I feel like I have missed out on so much of her life but now she's older she enjoys having another life and I just had to make the most of the time without her. It's very hard though.
If I were you I would apply to the court to amend the contact order as your current set up sounds very difficult for the children not sleeping in the same bed more than one night in a row

Logistically and practically, the alternate night arrangements must be a pain eg packing, washing, homework, school events, activities. I think it would get more difficult as the dc get older.

Sounds horrible for you, and incredibly disruptive for them.

Is there no way of altering this to make it more stable for the children?

Hi Flangeshrub, I feel for you. I also have shared contact with the DCs and it is difficult. At first it was almost unbearable.

'My heart is breaking all the time'.
Oh yes Flange, it shows you are human. And yes your situation IS SAD. People might try to minimise to make you see the positive side of things, when compassion and empathy would make you feel better.
When I first divorced I felt I lost time with the children but I also lost my identity of SAHM. I did not know who I was anymore, it was a real grief and it took time to rebuild myself.

How do you feel your children might feel when they are staying with their dad? Do they love him? Do you feel they are safe?
If so relax, no so many parents can enjoy a bit of adult time! Do allow yourself to do that?
Your children will always be your children. No one can take this away from you. And they certainly would not want you to feel miserable.
It sounds like it may be time to let go of what was once and embrace the new you.
Check actionforhapiness.org

I really feel for you. For what it's worth I have never subscribed to this notion that parenthood is equal between me and women, not when it's women who potentially ( and actually) die from childbirth.
There's a reason Mother Nature gave women this responsibility.
It angers me that feminist rhetoric is used by men to get what they want:'if a man doesn't want to see his kids, he doesn't. If he wants to fight the mother for her kids, he gets what he wants that way too. Stats bear this out. Most men don't want full residency because they often have another woman, but the ones that DO want it get it.

The fact that this was all his fault because of the affair make the entire situation doubly unfair.

Don't listen to gaslighters. Your mothers pain is real and unfathomable to your ex husband - and this shit DRIVES WOMEN MAD

CuttedUpPear I can agree with you that living arrangements should put the children first, but please don't assume that 50/50 is bad and just for the parents.
We are very close to 50/50 and it works very well. It really is second best only to is living together still.
I am sure of this because we do not have set days and are flexible around adult needs (my work, both our social lives) and my daughter's preferences.
She can and does alter the days "mummy, my (dad's gf's daughter) is still here - can I stay another night?" so I do feel confident that if she was unhappy with the arrangements, she would say so. In fact, occasionally she says "feels like I haven't seen daddy much recently". No, you haven't - he was away - shall we do an extra night there this week? "Yes!"

I can definitely see that some children would have a personality that makes them want one home as more of a base. But plenty accept and truly feel that they have two homes. Her best friend spends EOW at a family holiday home by the sea - and also just feels like both are home. It doesn't have to be unsettling.

I do think alternate days means everyone is in tenterhooks for the next switch, but 50/50 in principle is a really good solution.

The packing / schoolwork / washing thing doesn't have to be an issue even with alternate days 50/50.

We don't pack anything. My daughter has what she needs at each house. It's very unusual for one of us to say "can you send x across", and easy enough to do when it happens. I really don't see that as a big issue.

The main issue is if the CHILDREN are unsettled by every other day.

Remember that a lot of married parents are shift workers and nobody stresses about them seeing mummy some nights not others, on unpredictable patterns.

Sometimes knowing that there is no strict pattern, is enough to take the uncomfortable uncertainty away.

But it really does all come down to the personality of the child.

I cannot think that spending alternate nights in different homes is good for your children. They need a fixed base that is their home, even if they see both parents regularly, which is good.
Are you so sure that you would lose if you fought him on this?

I don't think that 50:50 is a bad arrangement per se for the DC. We have years of 50:50 under our belts in this household and the DSSs have grown up into happy and productive people.

However, it would, as a mother, break my heart not to live with my DD for nearly every week of the year. And I am not convinced that alternate nights is a properly stable arrangement for DC on a long term basis.

i suppose its how the children cope with the arrangement...if it is disruptive to them then it needs addressing...they are rather young, maybe the 50/50 arrangement works better for older children....i dont know the answer...i suppose each case is individual, maybe in time the arrangement will change or you will become more accustomed to it..poor you

No advice really. Only support.

I totally understand your feelings. I've wanted to end things with my husband quite a few times and the fact that I would have to be without my children, even if only EOW, always stops me. I couldn't bare to be apart from them and I also couldn't handle not having any say in the way he parents them while I'm not there . . . so I just put up with the arsehole ;) In fairness though, he hasn't had an affair and that would be a deal breaker for me too

You say you would lose a court case but i would think it would be worth a visit to a solicitor, or get the free half hour you are entitled to , so you can find out about your individual circumstances.

It might be that they think a judge would think EOW and one night in the week would be better for the kids. Especially if your ex isn't a very good parent.

I would like to add my voice to others in that I think alternate nights sound an absolute nightmare for all of you. As someone upthread said, you can never just relax into having time with them as they are always about to leave. It sounds very damaging to me for your children. There are many ways to share residency.

Also, do please get some counselling to help you manage your feelings because you do indeed sound heartbroken and I thiknk you need some help to heal. Best of luck.

I think it's going to be difficult to win a case on the grounds of the other parent not being very good without strong evidence to support that, so I wouldn't try unless you have this.

There are two issues here which are essentially related to the same thing but which actually need to be separated from each other.

The first is what is in the best interests of the children in terms of the relationship they have with both of their parents. Far too often the children are told how things will be and have no say in the matter, and this is when you end up with posts along the lines of eighteen year olds still feeling they need to rigidly stick to their EOW contact with one parent or the other and never feel they can deviate from it. Where possible I would avoid going to court to set out a contact schedule, because once the courts become involved it will be very difficult to change that arrangement in future, and trust me what is right now may not be by the time the DC go to secondary.

It is very easy for women here to state that 50/50 is wrong, but those statements are generally based on the idea that the woman will be the primary carer, and that the children will predominantly live with them. But I fail to see how it is in the children's best interests to reduce their relationship with one parent in favour of another, children have the right to an equal relationship with both parents, it's just a matter of how that is worked out. Of course not all children have that, but where possible the children should be able to see their parents equally, it's just a matter of working out how.

If the children are disrupted by alternate nights, then you need to speak to your ex along the lines of finding an arrangement which works best for the DC. When me and my ex split ds stayed with each of us for two consecutive nights during the week and EOW, so it was 50/50 in the true sense of the word. Although if XH goes away for business etc then obviously DS stayed with me. Since then things have changed somewhat and DS has chosen to spend more nights with me during the week, however this arrangement is still flexible on the basis that if he wants to stay at his dad's, then that arrangement is made on the morning he wants to stay there. My EXH wanted to change the arrangement to have ds stay at each of ours for a week at a time, but DS wouldn't even entertain the idea, and said he would stay with me during the week then. But he is thirteen and old enough to make those decisions. All of these things need to be done with the best interests of the children in mind. All too often you hear of parents telling their children how much they will miss them etc when they're not with them, and that adds additional pressure to the children to spend more time with one parent than the other, for instance. Also, if the children are finding alternate nights disruptive you could perhaps go to family mediation to talk about how the children would feel in terms of staying at each parent's. Mediation is a far better option than court, but would give the children an independent voice as well without the parents having any influence.

In terms of your own feelings, reality is that no parent wants to give up their children to someone else for half of the time, with new partners, potential half and step siblings and a life which you are not a part of. When me and EXH split I was a sahm, and since then I am still looking for work, so giving up my ds for half of the time was incredibly hard for me. And even now I find being in the house alone at night hard. But I also know that I am doing it because the idea of ds not having a relationship with his dad and the sadness that would bring to him unthinkable. And as time passes you do find ways to fill the time when the DC aren't with you.

Ultimately while it is hard, those who say you need to find a way to fill that time and to learn to enjoy the child free time are right to an extent. that doesn't mean you don't deserve sympathy for the way things have turned out, but this is how it is now, and it wouldn't be in your children's interests to change it just because you didn't want to not see them iyswim. And in time you will hopefully meet other partners, build a new life for yourself, and your children will always still be a part of that. And in time your children will grow up and leave home, and you will need to fill your life then.

Find something you enjoy, start with smaller things, watching whatever you want, having whatever you want for dinner, enabling yourself to go out if you want to, even if it's just to a coffee shop. And build on that. It does get easier, I promise.

OP, coming back to your point about doing everything for your kids until the split, and XH (then H) doing nothing...

Through gritted teeth, I have to tell you that divorce has been the making of the really nice relationship between my daughter and her father.

He did fuck all.
He's still a lazy arsehole - she hasn't clicked yet (thank god!) but he only requests weekends when his gf and her kid are there to entertain mine and make him look like Super Involved Dad

But now he HAS to spend 1:1 time with her in the week.

Is that fair on me? No. I want to tell her exactly what he's like, how he'd try to wriggle out of every damn nappy change. I want to point out that she may have two homes and 60/40 time, but which parent books the dentist? Which parent has never trimmed her toenails? Of course I say none of this.

Because what's most important is that she loves both of us and doesn't see either of us as a part time parent. She sees us as equal, seen at different times. I praise myself (internally!) for managing that, creating that.

Every time she talks like the sun shines out of his arse (e.g. Daddy bought her a new bike - so he could buy one for GF and go on ONE super dad family ride - she forgets that mummy taught her to ride a bike, months of encouraging and time and trying out new ideas/bribes cos she was slow to get it) I just remind myself - your daughter is happy because she loves and feels loved by both parents. She is the important thing.

Why are your children having counselling? What are they struggling with in particular? If it's the way you're splitting the days, talk to your XH with a better - but still 50/50 - proposal.

And have you spoken to your GP? I think it's normal to be really upset by not seeing them, it really is tough. But it's a step more to actually feel suicidal which I think isn't normal, and you should chat to your GP about that.

I am not married nor do I have children, but it seems so unfair that the one who tore the marriage apart and obviously damaged his children, can claim 50% access. A real loving father would never hurt his children to deliberately and be so brash about it. I feel for you OP, I can't imagine what you're feeling but I really feel it's so very unfair on you and your children.

But Fox, although that explains why it is so hard for the innocent partner - how is it possibly fair on the CHILD to punish the bad parent by restricting access?

And I speak as one wig has lost much of my child's time to a serial liar and cheat.

A real loving father would never hurt his children to deliberately and be so brash about it.

Tbf it isn't just men who break up marriages

Again, I can't speak from experience, so just going by my feelings of what is right and wrong. But if the break up has caused children to have to go to counselling, I wonder if spending 50% of their time with the cause of it is good for them. I guess time will tell. OP's post just really makes me feel for her. How did you cope Cabrinha?

50/50 can work but the people I know who make it work don't do alternate nights. That sounds horrific for everyone.

Logistically it must be hard - who does the washing? If cakes have to be in on a Friday is that the responsibility of Thursday night parent or Friday night parent? For the kids they must feel constantly on edge and unable to relax. It must take a few days before a child feels relaxed into the routine at one house but they never get that.

The people who I know who have successful 50/50 do it over the course of weeks so a week or two at one house then alternate. By 5 and 8 they should be able to read a calendar so they know where they'll be at all times.

You are not insane. I think it is undetstandablr. It goes against nature to have children away from their mothers half the time. I don't think it is good for children either, to be constantly shuttled between homes. Me and ex have done 50/50 over the holidays and it just feels awful. Ex was emotionally abusive and yet really my choices were leave him and hardly see my kids or well, if I had stayed I would probably have killed myself.

I don't know why the courts are moving towards 50/50 splits with such enthusiasm. Few adults would constantly like to shuttle between houses. And the main dads that fight for it seem to be the abusive/ aggressive ones

I don't know why the courts are moving towards 50/50 splits with such enthusiasm.

It is a child's right to have a relationship with both parents.

Any break up could mean a kid needs counselling, even the most amicable.

A cousin was brought up 50:50. As he got older he rearranged his times to suit his school and extra curricular activities. But, as he used to explain it, at the end of the day he just went home to the house he had not had breakfast in! It made sense to him and he grew up knowing that both parents loved him more than they hated each other (though my aunt would still swear his dad has a controlling, nasty bastard who should be grateful to her that his son grew up well).

It really does work well for some kids.

And the main dads that fight for it seem to be the abusive/ aggressive ones

You know that for a fact do you?

Sweeping generalisations like this and 'against nature to be away from their mothers' quite frankly help no one