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Original poster

Found number on husbands phone

79 replies

NA200712 · 25/12/2015 21:49

So it's Christmas Day and me and the husband have ended it with an argument. We have a great relationship most of the time with a few arguments here and there like most people. He's an amazing dad and is very affectionate and I know I can count on him. I can't imagine my life without him.

I don't know why I did it but I looked at his contacts on his phone, he doesn't have many, but a woman's name caught my eye. I know he went to high school with her. I've asked him about it and he's said he has no idea how the number got in his phone and that he hasn't spoken to her in years. To me this is absolute bullshit, how does a number just appear in your phone, it doesn't. So at this point I'm wondering why is he lying to me. It's just a number, it's not like I've found messages or anything to her. I just asked why her number was in his phone. So now I'm very paranoid. Do I believe him? He's very stubborn so if he is lying he isn't going to give up the truth he won't want to be caught out looking a twat for lying.

He's gone mad for me looking at his phone which I can't blame him for but if he was to look at mine I don't think I'd care, I've nothing to hide. He's turned it all round on me saying I don't trust him etc so now I look the bad one. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
NA200712 · 26/12/2015 10:26

Yes he would flirt in the beginning of the relationship, this was when we were only 19 years old though, still young we are 26 now. But because of this it's always been in the back of my mind. He's never cheated, he just made a few comments that were a bit inappropriate to say when your with someone but totally changed once we found out I was pregnant with our son. It made him grow up a lot.

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 26/12/2015 15:59

I've asked him about it and he's said he has no idea how the number got in his phone and that he hasn't spoken to her in years.

Facebook Sync -He tried to say that but he has hundreds of Facebook friends and hers is the only one from Facebook except really close friends and family and her name was saved as like a short version of her name so just an example "nat d" instead of the full name.

He's now saying when he copied his contacts over from his old phone (the one that was synced to Facebook) he must have copied hers over too. So I've asked him why has he copied her contact details over out of all those people when according to him he hasn't spoken to her for years. Doesn't make sense

So far 3 different excuses, what does your gut say?
I personally dont have any issue with looking through phones etc, if there is nothing to hide.

It sounds to me, that even if he has done nothing wrong, on some level he has some attachment/torch carrying for this woman and has kept her number in his phone as some sort of connection even if there is no contact between them.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2015 16:05

Holy moly

Thought you were talking about me then but if you're 26 you can't be. Ignore my PM.

I hope it's innocent.

PrimeDirective · 26/12/2015 16:36

Coming up with 3 different reasons doesn't mean he is guilty, it could just as easily mean he hasn't got a clue how her number got there, but he is trying to come up with reasonable explanations. Contacts sync from various different apps without your full knowledge so it is perfectly possible the number ended up there with him not understanding how.

He flirted early on in the relationship before you were really serious, but since you have settled down and got pregnant, he started taking the relationship more seriously and you trust him.
I don't understand why you looked on the phone and I don't understand why it is such a big deal that he has this woman's number on there. Unless there is something else going on that is troubling you.

Wombat87 · 26/12/2015 16:52

I feel sad for you OP, continue to follow your gut.

There's been a couple of times I've caught DP out (used lightly), over a few silly nonsense things. But they were things that he thought would be a big deal to me so he tried to hide them by not fully disclosing. E.g this woman who I just knew was 'someone' wanted to go on a double date with us. He'd previously met up with her but cut the evening short when he felt she was giving him the come on. He said she was an ex colleague. But I knew it was more than that. Once I'd caught him out with a few different versions of his truth he admitted there was some history, nothing serious. I was more cross with the lies than anything else. They're still friends on FB etc, but I've told him, the past is the past, it stays there (I don't want to sit over dinner with your ex fuck buddy even if it was once, or once or twice, or when really drunk a few times).

My point is, is that it may not be that bad, or even untoward. It may just be the fact he's not being honest that's making you feel uneasy.

The line I put out when I had to confront DP about the issue was this; "It doesn't matter what it is, but feeling you aren't being truthful is what's making me uneasy. If you can't respect me enough to just be honest then that's a bigger issue, anything else can be dealt with".

Maybe he just feels like he can't say they've ressurected a friendship because he's worried about what it looks like. Sorry for the long post. Hope you get to bottom of it

Original poster
NA200712 · 26/12/2015 20:42

Yes this is exactly my point, I'm not actually accusing him of anything I just asked why he suddenly had her number. To me, if you have someone's number you either speak to them or your planning on it. I know a lot of you may think I'm being pathetic but my gut is telling me not to let this go and I just don't want to be lied to. He stormed out at dinner time today and went mad because he says I'm being ridiculous and is hurt that I won't believe him. He came back half hour later, he's been normal with me there isn't really an atmosphere but he says he wants an apology. I don't want to say sorry because i would be lying.

OP posts:
30somethingandticking · 26/12/2015 21:52

I just checked my contacts and there are loads on there that are old that have been synched from a variety of sources - Facebook, old email accounts etc. There are some I have just saved as a first name and I haven't even got the slightest clue who they are.

I wouldn't just to conclusions on that alone, although he does seem a little defensive.

piglover · 26/12/2015 22:24

Is there any actual evidence that he's been in touch with this person? If not, your reaction seems excessive and I'd be rather annoyed if I were him.

FATEdestiny · 26/12/2015 22:58

Did you say you checked his facebook messages. Do you therefore know the name this woman uses on facebook?

You mentioned that the name in his phone contacts was a shortening nickname type thing - does it match the woman's facebook name?

If so, it has probably just been transferred from FB. I have no idea why some facebook profiles do this and others don't? But I have just checked my phone contacts and find 4 things worth noting here:

  • I can see the name, phone number and address of my sons Beaver Cubs leader in my phone contacts. I have never phoned him and have never been given his phone number (or indeed his address). I am only his FB friend because he added me to the Beavers FB Group. I have not added this number to my phone.
  • The contact name of someone that was already in my phone has had her name changed in my phone to the name she uses on facebook. I have not made this change
  • No other additions or changes in my phone contacts, yet there are lots of FB friends I don't have phone conatcts for or friends who I have saved into my phone number a different full name to the one on facebook.
  • Both the above two appear to have an iPhone (my contacts tell me). I have an iPhone. I don't know if this is relevant.
CalleighDoodle · 26/12/2015 23:04

I have two ex's numbers in my ohone because i have their numbers blocked and i wasnt sure it would stay blocked if i deleted their numbera.

PrimeDirective · 26/12/2015 23:18

It depends how people have set up their FB account and whether they have added their phone number to their accounts.
There are definitely perfectly valid reasons why her phone number could be on his phone without him having any intention of phoning her.
The problem now is that he can't say anything to satisfy you unless he tells you that he added her number because he wanted to call her. I remember an ex backing me into a corner similar to this once. I eventually gave in and confessed to something I hadn't done just to get him to shut up.

scarlets · 27/12/2015 01:57

I have a mate called Beth Jones (NC for this) and when I needed to call her a year or so ago, there were suddenly two Beth Joneses in my contacts! I rang the first one, and reached my friend. All good.

Later, I text the other one asking to whom the number belonged, because it had appeared on my phone, only to find that it belonged to a Beth Jones from the school PTA. I knew her by sight, and we'd emailed a bit about the Christmas fete, and I think she operated the PTA Twitter account which I follow, but we'd never phoned or text each other. Technology is weird! It is beyond me.

Georgeofthejungle · 27/12/2015 02:21

If your husband has an iPhone there is a search feature that can allow you to search the whole phone for word/s. It used to work even where a text had been deleted, you couldn't open the text but you could at least see it had been sent/received. not sure if it still does but could give it a try. If you search this woman's name it may come up with something, or even show you if the name has been written in a text that has been sent to someone else? If you swipe right on the home screen the search bar will come up. Put in your word and scroll down to the related messages - if there is nothing listed then there is nothing in the phone. You could try different words just to see if it's working.

Good luck!

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 27/12/2015 02:56

If he had anything to hide do you think he'd put her in his phone under her real name and not have it password protected?

jmcg2015 · 27/12/2015 03:10

This can happen indeed with Facebook, its just how the system is set up. If you've no reason to distrust him then you shouldn't, and you shouldn't go snooping - everyone is entitled to privacy. It's now a question of if he can trust you. It's a sad thing,but talk to him and let him know you trust him,fingers crossed he does you. If you do - if you don't then its over, its totally that simple.

sykadelic · 27/12/2015 07:02

This can definitely happen from the switch from Apple to Samsung. When I switched I had a heck of a lot of contacts I didn't need.

The problem with this story though is that although that may have happened, if he didn't want her number why didn't he delete it? Or also why was it the ONLY number that copied over? And if it wasn't the only number, why did he leave that one?

Maybe he didn't know who it was. There are contact in my phone I probably don't need but I don't delete them in case I DO need them. I'm trying to make sure they're updated in Outlook/Hotmail as well (including addresses etc)

BUT, with only the number being an issue I would be alert for other signs but let it drop. If your relationship is otherwise good, it's not worth breeding all this doubt for what could just be a technical glitch.

Original poster
NA200712 · 27/12/2015 07:46

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'm going to let this go. I don't have proof, it's now creating an atmosphere because I won't back down and apologise and neither will he because he says he hasn't spoken to her and doesn't know why he copied the number over. I know this isn't a technical glitch as he admitted to copying the number over himself... Guess I may never find out why. I love my husband and I know he loves me, this is why I'm letting it go, it's not worth wrecking my marriage over.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 27/12/2015 07:49

Without doubt the right decision OP.

Dipankrispaneven · 27/12/2015 08:15

I think you're absolutely right to let it go, OP. You said that "To me, if you have someone's number you either speak to them or you're planning on it" but, as the posts on this threads demonstrate, it is entirely possible to have numbers on your phone for people you never plan to speak to again. According to your posts, he hasn't in fact "admitted to copying the number over himself" - he said he "must have" done it which isn't quite the same thing. Before I twigged that my phone picked up numbers automatically I thought that I must have put one of the mystery numbers in myself and couldn't think why. But of course I subsequently realised I hadn't.

Hulababy · 27/12/2015 08:28

How reason why some other FB ones might not be there is because those people may not have added their telephone number to FB. Most people don't, but occasionally some do.

AlanPacino · 27/12/2015 08:34

I feel likes he's going to find someone better than me.

This is what you need to deal with op.

Effendi · 27/12/2015 08:35

When I got a new Windows phone lately it copied all my contacts from my MSN email account. I have two people with the same first name which I has shortened in MSN. So Jen P and Jen T, for example. I haven't emailed either of them for years. So it can happen.

Original poster
NA200712 · 27/12/2015 09:37

I agree AlanPacino this is something I want to see a counciller about, I have a couple of personal issues like I'm very negative about myself and have little confidence even though my husband compliments me daily and tells me he loves me multiple times a day. These are issues I need to sort out I do know this.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 27/12/2015 09:39

I'm amazed at this thread. OP checked her husband's phone because she is worried "he'll find someone better" and is insecure. No other reason. If a man had done that, you'd be saying he's controlling and to LTB.

Original poster
NA200712 · 27/12/2015 09:44

I see your point but I'm not controlling, I'm quite the opposite. He can do whatever he likes, I don't stop him seeing friends or going out and he doesn't stop me doing these things either. We don't do these things often as we have kids and family is first but I would never stop him from going out and enjoying himself. I had a moment of madness looking at his phone and now really wish I hadn't because I feel a bit of a twat if I'm honest.

OP posts: