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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guess I fell for every line in the book, I'm heartbroken and a BLOODY NASTY PERSON!

65 replies

Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 19:01

Really not proud of myself and I will get flamed but I fell for a man who was in a "unhappy" relationship!

I fell for him the minute we meet it was instant and I can honestly say I have never ever felt like this about anyone!

From day one he pursued me, spoke loads about how unhappy he was, how much he was into me, how he was leaving, said he told his sister and family about me and spoke to them lots about how unhappy he was etc. 2 weeks ago I was even helping him look for houses to move into in new year as he was leaving after Xmas!

Then someone (no idea who) has told his partner, he straight away blames me and hasn't spoke or acknowledged me since, he has no respect towards me at all.

His gf is contacting me asking things and because I don't want/never wanted to hurt her and upon his request I just keep saying nothing ever happened between us...... Why am I still lying for this man, is it to protect him or her?

She knows something has gone on 100% and doesn't believe us, she has see some correspondence between us and from what she is saying he doesn't appear to be there as she seems to think we are together even now!

I'm heartbroken, I love him! I'm fuming with myself for ever getting into this situation, something I never ever thought I would do. I'm gutted to realise that he actually doesn't give a toss about me his silence speaks volumes!

I am a horrible horrible person and I'm so sorry for what I done.

How do I get over this and move on?

OP posts:
CallieTorres · 25/12/2015 19:07

Don't keep quiet because he asks you to, he's a cunt

I don't know if it's kinder to tell her, someone will come on and let you know about that, but do it for her not for him

DraenorQueen · 25/12/2015 19:08

Tell her the truth - the poor woman deserves that at the very least. How unspeakably humiliating to know full well something has occurred but be lied to repeatedly. Allow her the dignity of being able to make her mind up with the full facts.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/12/2015 19:12

He's dumped you the second he got caught. You thought he loved you/liked you. He thinks you are someone who would be spiteful. Think about it.

Original poster
Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 19:13

I hear what your saying but isn't it better to spare her the gory details? She knows deep down the truth but if she decides to stay with him won't it be kinder not to give her the truth

OP posts:
DraenorQueen · 25/12/2015 19:16

You just don;t want to tell her the truth in case he's pissed off with you, and you don;t want to burn your bridges with him!! Angry
EVERY strong minded person wants to know the truth and they bloody deserve to. How dare you cover for this selfish prick??

CallieTorres · 25/12/2015 19:17

You don't have to go into details, like how many times you shagged

But answer what she asks

Original poster
Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 19:18

Queen yes your prob right Sad why do I feel like that? Why can't I just be truthful and tell her, he doesn't deserve her or anyone

OP posts:
LumelaMme · 25/12/2015 19:20

She deserves to know, so she can decide if she wants to stay with someone who cheats on her.

And don't fall for the same line again.

Helmetbymidnight · 25/12/2015 19:20

You think you are being kind by lying to her?

Wow.

Just be honest. For once.

Atomik · 25/12/2015 19:23

but if she decides to stay with him won't it be kinder not to give her the truth

The way he "protected" you from the truth ?

Was it kind of him to feed you a lie rather than the truth, so the reality of the real nature of you relationship wouldn't hurt you ?

How much are you enjoying being the recipient of lies right now ?

DraenorQueen · 25/12/2015 19:25

Look. You clearly don't rate yourself very much if you're allowing yourself to fall for the cliched bollocks twats like they peddle. You owe him nothing - he' a cunt. But it is only fair on the wronged party to have the truth. I HATED my friends for not telling me when they knew my boyfriend was shagging someone else. Tell her and let her make an informed decision. Then get the hell out of their lives.

Earlybird · 25/12/2015 19:28

How long have you been involved with this man?

In your shoes, I'd step away. End it with him, and let the two of them sort out their relationship....or not. It is not your place to 'inform' her what has been going on.

Then delete / block him from your phone /email contacts.....and use the New Year as a fresh start to begin looking for someone who is honest, trustworthy, and available (all easier said than done, I know).

Arfarfanarf · 25/12/2015 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allyearcheer · 25/12/2015 19:37

Congratulations for being a strong enough person to realise you have behaved badly and hurt someone else. I know other 'other women' who have behaved with childish hatred and comtempt to the girlfriend/ wife, or blamed her for her partner's infidelity by being 'frumpy'. Facing up to what you have done will enable you to resolve to not do it again and become the person you want to be.
Answer the girlfriend honestly. She's being brave too by wanting to face up to the truth. She won't get it from her partner.

Original poster
Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 19:46

About 6 months it's been going in for!

I'm annoyed with myself because I'm still trying to protect him and in fact he doesn't give a shit about me, the only time I hear from humid when I text him to say she is hassling me for info and he just responds with "just ignore her"

OP posts:
thelaundryfairy · 25/12/2015 19:48

I don´t have any advice, but am so sorry to hear about this. Good luck with re-building your heart after this horrible experience.

seasidesally · 25/12/2015 19:52

tell his partner the poor women will be going mad wondering what really happened as she cant rely on her dp for the truth

tell her ohtherwise she will drive herself mad and the truth is the least she deserves

anotherbloomingusername · 25/12/2015 19:55

You've already lied to her, so even if you come clean now she'll have no reason to believe you.

When you text either of them, it just digs you in deeper to the deceit and keeps you clinging on to the idea that he cares for you at all. He doesn't. Cling to your remaining dignity and make a clean break.

Block them both in every possible media and don't give them any more of your headspace.

PastaLaFeasta · 25/12/2015 19:58

Been in similar situation, it's rubbish but keep away and time will heal the broken heart as well as give you perspective to see him for the cheating scum bag he really is.

And I would tell her, spare her the heartache in years to come, she deserves better and so do you!

PrincessMouse · 25/12/2015 19:58

Omg. Poor poor woman. How awful. There is not much worse than knowing the truth but been made to feel like you are lossing the plot. This must be how she feels.

On Christmas day and unfortunately you are helping him make her feel like she's paranoid, crazy, lossing it or whatever he decides to say.

Tell her the truth. It's not right not to.

Original poster
Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 20:06

The hardest thing is I can't get away I will have to see him a few times a week and there is nothing I can do about that

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 25/12/2015 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

something2say · 25/12/2015 20:35

Find a way to ignore him.
I broke off with a man at work many years ago. Was fine after a time. You can do it.

SnowBodyforrrrm · 25/12/2015 20:38

The very least you could do now is tell her the truth.

I found messages between my OH and some woman, about 2 weeks after I'd had a craniotomy to remove a large brain tumour. Poor didums wasn't getting attention from me in the run up to me finding out I was ill, and there was someone willing (even though she knew I had a brain tumour and four young kids) to give him attention and flatter his ego. When the shit hit the fan and he realised he was going to lose everything, the things he said about her would have made your toes curl. Desperate people say whatever they have to to try and salvage what they can.

And then you really should put your feelings aside and find someone who's single. There are plenty of them out there.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 25/12/2015 20:42

Tell the poor cow the truth, you owe her that at the least