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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guess I fell for every line in the book, I'm heartbroken and a BLOODY NASTY PERSON!

65 replies

Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 19:01

Really not proud of myself and I will get flamed but I fell for a man who was in a "unhappy" relationship!

I fell for him the minute we meet it was instant and I can honestly say I have never ever felt like this about anyone!

From day one he pursued me, spoke loads about how unhappy he was, how much he was into me, how he was leaving, said he told his sister and family about me and spoke to them lots about how unhappy he was etc. 2 weeks ago I was even helping him look for houses to move into in new year as he was leaving after Xmas!

Then someone (no idea who) has told his partner, he straight away blames me and hasn't spoke or acknowledged me since, he has no respect towards me at all.

His gf is contacting me asking things and because I don't want/never wanted to hurt her and upon his request I just keep saying nothing ever happened between us...... Why am I still lying for this man, is it to protect him or her?

She knows something has gone on 100% and doesn't believe us, she has see some correspondence between us and from what she is saying he doesn't appear to be there as she seems to think we are together even now!

I'm heartbroken, I love him! I'm fuming with myself for ever getting into this situation, something I never ever thought I would do. I'm gutted to realise that he actually doesn't give a toss about me his silence speaks volumes!

I am a horrible horrible person and I'm so sorry for what I done.

How do I get over this and move on?

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 25/12/2015 20:43

You don't want to tell her the truth in case you piss off your gorgeous catch of a man and he never comes back to you.

You're pissed off that you both got caught out in your sneaky, creepy lying and fucking behind his gf's back.

Good luck. You're in for a really good time holding out for this lovely creature.

Original poster
Xmaspuddinghell · 25/12/2015 20:47

No she hasn't recently had a baby.

I'm totally torn but I do think the right thing to do is tell her the truth!

Yes I admit I don't want to piss him off, I don't want to have to make things worst between us at work but in fairness can it actually be any worst?

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 25/12/2015 20:49

Christ Snowbody I hope you dumped his sorry arse! Flowers

RedMapleLeaf · 25/12/2015 20:50

Stop thinking about yourself and spare her a few thoughts.

seasidesally · 25/12/2015 20:57

I found messages between my OH and some woman, about 2 weeks after I'd had a craniotomy to remove a large brain tumour. Poor didums wasn't getting attention from me in the run up to me finding out I was ill, and there was someone willing (even though she knew I had a brain tumour and four young kids) to give him attention and flatter his ego. When the shit hit the fan and he realised he was going to lose everything, the things he said about her would have made your toes curl. Desperate people say whatever they have to to try and salvage what they can

bloody hell ,please tell me you kicked his arse to the kirb

Jibberjabberjooo · 25/12/2015 20:58

Of course you should tell her, try just for one minute to think about what she's going through instead of thinking about yourself or this twat of a man.

Samaritan1 · 25/12/2015 21:08

If you are seriously remorseful then do one thing right by her and tell her the truth.

If she hadn't asked then I wouldn't advocate contacting her, but she has asked for the truth.

Yes, no doubt he will be angry that his gf will not be listening to his bullshit anymore (I hope), but be prepared, block all forms of contact and if he has a go at you in person, literally tell him to fuck off and walk away.

blueshoes · 25/12/2015 21:29

He unceremoniously dumped you after he got caught. How could it get any worse with this prize catch?

sleeponeday · 25/12/2015 22:23

She has the right to know. I wouldn't ever suggest you contact someone out of the blue, but if she is asking you directly, then you owe it to her. She will think she is going crazy - and his "just ignore her" while he lies through his teeth to her about how he has only ever loved her, you are a crazy woman, blah blah blah... she deserves the truth. It's bad enough that the person she most loved and trusted did this to her, without him making her doubt the reality of her own instincts on top. And he is using you as a human shield, just as he used you as an easy lay. Using is about all he does, it seems.

abbsismyhero · 25/12/2015 22:36

umm you're still messaging him after he lied to you and dumped you?

he used you sweetie you owe him nothing tell her the truth that you thought he was single and proceeded accordingly your sorry and leave it at that block him block her if she turns nasty but you need to walk away in my opinion

SnowBodyforrrrm · 25/12/2015 22:53

I'm embarrassed to say I haven't yet. I didn't have the fight in me after my diagnosis and treatment. I went into autopilot after finding out I was sick. I was strong until after the surgery, and the kids went back to school, and life carried on as normal for everyone. Then the emotional impact hit me like a truck, him messaging her and whatever else was the least of my worries. I got depressed for the first time in my life, couldn't believe I could go from a 'healthy' 28yo mum of four, to almost dying in my bed over night. It's taken me a while (I had the surgery in August) to get my head round it. He's still here, though i don't let him near me. If he wants to go elsewhere then so be it. I'm passed caring. I only care about my kids and my own health now. I feel a bit trapped as I've been a stay at home mum since my 8yo was born and my others are 4 and twins of 3, so would be unable to support us and pay the mortgage on my own as he tells me so often. My confidence is low now as I gained 2st whilst on the steriods which is taking its time to come off and my hair is a mess from where I had to be opened, small things I know but it doesn't help. It's a hopeless feeling. I spent £50 on the lottery this week, hoping my luck would change and give me a way out.

He ruined christmas which he promised would be a good one but that's a whole other story. Sorry for rambling. Just wish there was an easy way out.

seasidesally · 25/12/2015 23:00

snowit all sounds so hard for you,what a terrible year for you

you sound one very strong person

i hope in time you will be happy

you deserve happiness after this year

remembermewhen · 25/12/2015 23:02

You don't need to spare her anything,
Don't drag it out, tell the truth.
Clean slate.
We all fuck up.
Lick your wounds for a wee while then give yourself a shake & move on.
Just don't make the mistake of thinking he is the one for you, love will conquer etc,
He's a prick & you dodged a bullet.

Pilgit · 25/12/2015 23:19

He's a dick. Give her team information to decide her own future.

You fell for well executed bullshit. Eagle her not to do the same. It won't be pretty but it's probably the right thing to do. Don't let him (or her) blame you for his decision to cheat. His actions have hurt her. You made a bad choice but her feelings weren't your responsibility - they are his.

It's easier to create a scapegoat than take responsibility for ones own actions. Don't be the scapegoat.

JohnThomas69 · 26/12/2015 04:45

Why bother. Her relationship is with him. Not you. He cheated. He's been caught. It's between him and her. A low profile is the wise choice because if you continue to stoke the fire you may well end up getting your fingers burnt. She seems to know what's been going on so you're input is not going to affect the outcome.

toopeoply · 26/12/2015 05:04

Be the better person and write out a detailed text of everything that has happened. She deserves to make an informed decision. When she kicks him out he will probably come crawling to you anyway.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 26/12/2015 05:20

Just tell her the truth in one simple message. Then remove yourself from the situation with your dignity intact and leave them to it.

It's possible everything he said about being unhappy was completely true, he just wanted to leave in his own time and tell her himself and he's angry and defensive because someone else has made the decision for him and forced his hand. But when you have an affair you always run the risk that things won't unfold exactly as you plan them. His problem, not yours.

TooSassy · 26/12/2015 06:21

OP your last post makes one thing very clear.

You don't want to tell her as you are basically hoping he still wraps things up with her and comes to you. Hence i don't want to make things any worse between us. You can add the work bit to justify it but that's the reality.

I think you have some real nerve coming on here and posting. Do you really think happily ever after is to be found by destroying someone else's home? Karma. Look it up.

Block him. Message her ONCE with simple facts. Move on.
If she has any brains she'll dump his sorry ass.
He may come back to you for a while if that happens but he won't stay. You'll just be an interim. So I suggest you move on and in future find single men.

PrincessMouse · 26/12/2015 06:43

A low profile is the wise choice because if you continue to stoke the fire you may well end up getting your fingers burnt.

The Ops fingers have already been burnt. His dropped her from a great hight and is now manipulating her into lying for him. She clearly thought she meant something to him and I am not convinced it can get much worse than finding out he was using her as nothing more than a toy and sperm dump.

His DW/DP will think she's losing her mind. His clearly manipulative and the only way she will ever know the truth / be at peace is by the Op telling her the truth.

Op, you need to tell this poor woman the truth.

Creampastry · 26/12/2015 07:24

Tell her the truth. You owe her that.

winkywinkola · 26/12/2015 09:02

And yes, you do sound like a nasty person.

CC88 · 26/12/2015 09:50

Actually, no, you're not a nasty person!
You are a person who got themselves involved in a situation that you thought was actually something other than it was. Okay, so you knew from the start that he wasn't yet unattached (it happens) but you were told that they were separating. That was his lie.

We do what we do when we do it because of what we think and feel at that time, which yes, we have control over but it's done. We act from a place that we currently are at and you can move on from that. That place can involve hurting other people which you could have chosen not to do but you didn't. You'll know much better in future.
Let his girlfriend know the truth and apologise to her so that she can go out and find true love and happiness. Go and do the same. Let him get on with figuring out his life and what he really wants too.
By the way, I've been a cheated on wife.

Helmetbymidnight · 26/12/2015 10:07

If she continues to deliberately lie to this woman, this stranger, who she has helped to fuck over, then she's not a very nice person at all.

Why wouldn't you be honest here? Is it because the truth will make you both look like utter twats, maybe?

chocolatemuppet · 26/12/2015 10:12

She's made a horrendous mistake. She feels terrible and she wants to make amends. Maybe she's getting that wrong - but that's why she came on here for advice. She has it now and will do the right thing I'm sure. People make mistakes. Everyone - many of them include having affairs. And of course it's wrong. Surely accepting that, apologising and wanting to put it right means you are not a bad person - just a normal person who got it wrong.

Fionajsd · 26/12/2015 10:15

Tell her the truth , I would 100% want to know x

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