Well, I finally did the unthinkable

[janaus]

I texted the ex OW.

So much has been going through my head since my suspicions in July and August and admission in September.
I have issues. Trust, of course. I am certain he is not seeing anyone. We are doing well together. But I do feel he minimised the fling, mistake as he called it. 3 times only he said.
So in the text I asked if she would tell me the truth. At first she didn't want to talk to me. But I persisted, and said she didn't have to tell me anything. But that he had said it was 3 times. She said, who said it was 3 times. So I guess I have my answer. There was about 6 messages each. Very civil, polite. I am not blaming this woman. In the end we wished each other a Merry Christmas.
I know it wasn't the right thing to do. I will be getting Counselling after the New Year.

I hope everyone here has a good Christmas, and thanks for your support over this time.

I just worry that it's YOUR best shot, not OUR best shot.

Does the OW have a thread? There is a thread with similar facts as this one.

Jan, I sincerely believe this is something you have to do. Ive been there and got the T-Shirt. But please be assured that we're here for you if you ever need to (and I think you will) come back to this thread. No one will say 'I told you so'.

I think there's a new you just waiting to burst out at the seams and I think you're going to like her a lot - as scary as she's going to be. xxxxx

Does the OW have a thread? There is a thread with similar facts as this one.

It appears similar at first glance but thats where the similarity ends.

So not only are you allowing your husband to treat you like shit, but enabling him to tell his daughter that it's okay for her husband to treat her like shit?

Okay. Win.

Ok guys, end of story please. I did not enable, I was not aware.
I know all the pitfalls we are up against. But it's what I have to do. It's what DH wants to do,
Sansora thanks for your wise advice.

Husband began very generous with money, giving them thousands of $$$$. I know the kids needed a helping hand, but I believe he gave it to them believing it would make them think what a great person he was.

Could he have done this because he thought you would divorce him and he did not want you to have half of the family money but would prefer that the children had it?

Would you tell the children what you are going through?

So not only are you allowing your husband to treat you like shit, but enabling him to tell his daughter that it's okay for her husband to treat her like shit?

That didn't happen. Jan wasn't aware of what was going on in her own life when her husband had to speak to their son in law.

I can understand someone missing a point thats been made once but to miss it the 3? times its been mentioned can only mean you wanted to miss it so you could deliberately kick someone in the teeth.

*Could he have done this because he thought you would divorce him and he did not want you to have half of the family money but would prefer that the children had it?I

I doubt it very much. Buying the children's affection is a very common ploy when these things happen.

Thanks again Sansora. You have it in a nutshell. I think he was buying the kids affection, to win them over, in Case the shit hit the fan. "Dad couldn't possibly do that, he is so kind". Well, bonus for them, each family did well out of it, and helped them out shortly before Xmas.

Ah, sorry for misunderstanding the timings with respect to your SIL's unfaithfulness and your H's reactions.

Whatever his motivation for giving the DC the money, did he agree this with you first? If not why not? Do you still have enough savings to cover thinhs should you break up and need to set up two homes, or one of you need long-term care?

It's another reason the DC might be angry if/when they find out about his affair: at a time when you might reasonably have wanted to leave him he was giving away your joint money to them.

Has he done this before in the past (had an affair)? He sounds like someone used to getting his way and with some dodgy attitudes, who might well have cheated before.

Duck, not long ago, DD no. 2 said, did you know dad has been giving the 3 of us cash? No, I did not know.

I think there may have been another in 2010, by backtracking old phone bills, and making phone calls. It's not a good feeling, I know, having suspicions, with no way of finding out. But I am not going there. It's over and done with.

It's all about the future now. Our future together.

What makes you think the future will be any different?

Is his giving away your joint money without your knowledge another thing you've decided to just "move on" from? Why?

Are you both sweeping it under the carpet - or are you both looking at it face on through MC?

It will slowly corrode you from the inside out and will kill any chance of a future if you are doing the former.

If you want to get your marriage back you need to face the pain of MC and your DH to address the steps in the book I linked to above.

I admire your focus to make it work. I have done the same as you and we are OK. But we did it constructively with immense pain through MC - but importantly for me the book gave me crystal clear evidence based proven measures that I could look for him to do, rather than a vague subjective "working at it".

I wish you well. But you need it all out on the table and I believe that this means talking to your adult children and asking for their support during rebuilding.

So you know he did it in 2010 too. And he gives away your money without asking you. Manipulates your kids to his side. Doesn't give enough about you to give you a Cmas present.

But it's all about the future together now. "Our future together'.

Oh so touching.

Oh so romantic.

What's he done so far then since he fucked you over so badly that you woke screaming in fear and distress in the night?

Not a lot, I'll wager.

For you EVER to fix this - for HIM to fix this, you need trust. You need to know that you can say "I need the truth about the 2010 affair" and know you can believe his answer.

It's OK to work on it, it really is. But so far you have been a total mug.

I'll say it again - he didn't care enough about even pretending to work on "our future" to buy you a Xmas present.

I think there may have been another in 2010,

Jan, you're so honest in your replies to us.

Im so shocked by the mention of another one yet at the same time Im not surprised and I understand now why you've doubted your entire history with him.

I could weep for you. Really.

Jan, Im not really interested in your husband. It really is all about you.

Can I ask what you did for yourself after your suspicions in 2010?

You know, when someone says F that for a game of soldiers!

Did you carry on as the Jan you were, or did you do anything to 'grow' as a person so to speak? You see, the reality is that he's done this again because there was nothing about you that scared him into not going on to make adultery a lifestyle choice.

I know you and others have mentioned MC but I'd also like to suggest counselling for you and you alone. We've spent a lot of years being the women we are and sometimes we need helped into being the women we should be.

xxxx

From the posts Jan was not aware of 2010 affair at the time - she is only putting that together now after seeing phone bills....unless I have misunderstood.

Agree that you also need one on one support.

I don't think it's me, mine was far more recent. However, as an embarrassed and ashamed OW op, my advice would be to leave him. Your husband may not be asking his OW to share and continue the affair after he has told his wife but having experienced the intoxication of an affair, I don't think many people would be able to go back to a normal healthy relationship again with the person they've cheated on. The potential for them to cheat again is far too easy, plus the disrespect they've shown for you.

Fck, it's ok, OW is a Chinese lady living in Australia. In her 50's

Can I ask, if the wife had contacted you, would you have told the truth.

I did not get much from OW. We were both polite.
No answers though.

The next day she text DH and told him about my text, reassured him she didn't say anything, because she did not want to cause problems for him.

I now have 2 different versions from him of something.

Loo, you're right, I didn't know about 2010. I still don't, just a lot of phone calls to same number, starting New Year's Eve 2009 till February. 2010.
A heavily accent, Europen sounding lady named Helen answers this number now.

Number is almost identical to our house number. I did 'joke' that silly me, I was calling home, and I accidently dialled wrong number, and that a lady named Helen answered "my" phone.
But there was not a flicker of a reaction.
So, who knows, I can never prove what I suspect.

But there was not a flicker of a reaction

That explains an awful lot and none of it innocent. I think its clear you're not dealing with the common garden gnome kind of cheat.

And you can prove what you suspect. If you are brave enough.

But that said - this is no life for you.

Grr MN, needing to sign in every time. Now I can't see private message, on the sign in merry go round

In Australia, there is not really a reverse look up. Occasionally it works, more often it doesn't.
But looking up this number, it gives me an address, a few streets away, very local, a surname, and says this number has been in use since 2005.
The surname is a very Australian/English type of name, doesn't relate to a European accent, and not same initial.
No idea how I can prove it, if DP chooses to lie.

Most definitely, as painful as it would be for her I think she has a right to know. If it wasn't for the wisdom of MN stopping me, I'd send her the texts he sent me so she knows what he's like.

Ty, Fck. I asked this OW questions which she wouldn't answer.
She did say she has no interest in my husband now, he is not the only man in the world. She said it was a business arrangement.
She told me I was rude asking. I told her she was rude sleeping with other peoples husbands.
I wish I could see old deleted texts.