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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he's just left me, pregnant with twins

76 replies

possum18 · 22/12/2015 11:24

Expecting twins in April. He used to do a bit of recreational drugs (mainly cocaine). Promised he would stop when we were trying to conceive. Also cut back alcohol (used to drink a lot) and stop smoking.
Since I got pregnant I've caught him with drugs a few times and been really upset, threatened to leave.. He always denies it and then admits the truth after he realises he's been caught red handed and can't deny it. Been really good for a few months but we've just moved house and only been here a week, already found half empty bags and other signs, as well as cigarettes. He went out Friday and got very drunk, came home and was very aggressive, pushed and grabbed me and left me with bruises up my arm. He doesn't remember the night at all. This morning I found drugs again, confronted him calmly and he lost it, said I don't trust him and must be 'planting' it on him so cause a fight. He's now left. I paid 6months upfront rent for this house and the last house is in notice period, which he said he has cancelled and is moving back into.
I don't know how I feel. I don't want to be around him when I know he's just lying to me and treating me like an idiot day in and day out - but the thought of having these babies without him terrifies me. I feel really alone and unwell.
It's Christmas in a few days and he's meant to be coming to all my family occasions with me, what am I going to say to people.
I don't know what I'm asking for but I just needed to write this down.

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 22/12/2015 12:57

mouldy it's actually very very common that abuse in a relationship begins or escalates during pregnancy.

So it's not necessarily a case of knowing what you're in for before you get pregnant.

AlisonWunderland · 22/12/2015 13:00

Again LeaLeander not remotely helpful or appropriate unless you have a Time Machine

shinynewusername · 22/12/2015 13:02

Well done, OP - good for you. You might also find this article about support in abusive relationships helpful.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 13:03

LeaLeander

If I were to accept that women should be held responsible for the actions of men, could you just explain to me how I prevent the father of my child being a complete bastard?

NA200712 · 22/12/2015 13:06

Oh my god!! He's left....you should be thanking him seriously!! What type of man pisses on their pregnant partner?! He's left you this close to Christmas which is another bit of proof he's a vile creature! Don't leave your family in the dark, at times like this you need to be surrounded with support.

Can you honestly say you will want him to be around your babies? You wont be on your own as I'm sure you will have your family's support and in time you will meet someone who treats you like a queen not a piece of dog shit.

Salene · 22/12/2015 13:07

Possum as scared and daunting as a future alone bringing up twins might seem to you right now it's better than a future where your children will witness their mother being abused

Please speak to your MW she will offer you the support you need, what's happened to you unfortunately isn't that unusual

1 in 4 domestic abuse cases start in pregnacies and unfortunately they then continue

If you stay , how this man has treated you will be your life from now on

You and your babies deserve better. Your partner has over stepped the mark and I don't see a way back for you guys from this.

It might seem a scary future but you WILL manage without him. And with time go on to find happiness again

Get out now will you still can.

Sorry this has happened to you, just before Xmas too. What a pig of a man.

TheEagle · 22/12/2015 13:15

possum, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please talk to your family and tell them what has happened. You will need support with the twins when they arrive and it's best to try to line this up now.

Can you stay with family for a while or have someone supportive come to stay with you?

Bringing up twins alone may seem incredibly daunting but you're so much better off away from a person like this.

TAMBA may have some supports in place for people in your situation too.

Having multiples can put immense strain on relationships - be kind to yourself Flowers

DancingDuck · 22/12/2015 13:20

OP you will need a LOT of support, post birth. It's v easy to come down with PND after having twins, due to the exhaustions and the extra work. With the stress you've had on top of all this, you are at risk. I hope you can go to relatives. Tell your HV and GP as well as your midwife about the situation.

Having twins alone will be the toughest thing you've ever done. But having twins with a violent git of a drug addict in tow would be worse. Under no circumstances take him back or let him near them. He sounds like his drug use has altered his personality.You can't ever rely on him now.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/12/2015 13:26

Put some stuff in your car and drive to your mums. High blood pressure or no high blood pressure. In fact, I think your blood pressure will start to come down the minute you're safe. Let mum take care of you for a couple of days, see the midwife, make plans, get support. You are well able for this, you can do it, you can make a life for your babies.

It's well known that abuse often escalates or starts when women are pregnant. In many ways Mr Pissy has done you a favour - at least right now you have the mental strength to make changes, rather than when you have two infants to care for. But go, go today.

Claraoswald36 · 22/12/2015 13:42

Found it hard to read this post. It's my exh. The urinating. I never have to tolerate that again ever.
Op you will be 100% fine without him and in a few months you will feel like superwoman coping with gorgeous twins amazingly - without this loser making you feel shit and sucking the fun out of your life.
Please also keep a diary of events because there are child protection issues here too. Please move on and don't have him at the birth etc

SpecialistSnowflake · 22/12/2015 14:05

Well done OP. Please do report each and every incidence of domestic violence. There's nothing you can do to change the father of your children, but you can protect them from him, and a police record is a very important step in that process.

Yourface · 22/12/2015 15:20

Wow! What a disgusting piece of filth. Never, ever feel ashamed for any of this. Hold your head up high. He is an inhuman and vile and he will miss out on all the wonderful, beautiful things you will enjoy with your children.

Never look back at this man, he is worthless and less than zero.

pallasathena · 22/12/2015 15:44

Men like this need to be named and shamed o/p. Not just as a revenge thing though I don't have a problem with that personally - but I've always thought that if women could stop the feeling ashamed and guilty thing that we have when others have treated us abominably, we could regain so much personal power.
And what could he do? If you stand up tall and proud and announce to the world what that bastard did to you, he would be shamed in front of society. Your silence protects him. What he did to you was beyond vile...it was disturbed. Get a solicitor and get those locks changed. He assaulted you, get hold of the police and make a formal complaint. And look after yourself. You deserve so much better. I'd even consider not naming him on the birth certificates when the twins are born, that way you have total control and he has absolutely none.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 16:13

Op you can do better than him - tell your family the whole truth, speak to your midwife and keep you and your babies safe. He is abusing you, and will only get worse.

The victim blaming is disgusting. Abuse commonly starts in pregnancy. This woman needs support right now, and if you can't offer it, sod off.

LeaLeander · 22/12/2015 16:21

I agree the OP should immediately tell her family the whole truth, including the fact that she has continued living with a man who literally has peed on her while she is pregnant with his offspring Hopefully someone will intervene for the sake of the coming children.

Yourface · 22/12/2015 17:39

God help LeaLeander's kids if she has them. Don't imagine she'd be the kind of mother/friend anyone could look to in their hour of need.

How could say such a vile thing, when someone is crying out for advice and must be at their lowest. Your total lack of empathy and care is quite disturbing.,

louisatwo · 22/12/2015 17:50

Possum,
My daughter has just broken up with her partner of 6 years - and he too is a 'recreational ' drug user . She also put up with some awful behaviour and managed and minimised his drug fuelled behaviour. She now feels awful and is slowly re-building her life.
I am so pleased that she has talked openly to me about it and I am sure that your family will be. She feels a failure but she really isn't. All she did was to love someone who proved incapable of loving her back and sadly put drugs before her.
You know, like my daughter, you're dodging a bullet here. It will be hard with twins I have no doubt but so much harder if you carry on along the lonely road of trying to parent your twins as well as being the responsible adult to this selfish irresponsible life sucking addict.
Please talk to your family and let them help. Flowers

manandbeast · 22/12/2015 18:04

I second that other poster who said this is one of the saddest things I've ever read. Your second post truly shocked me.

Be honest with your family if you can, and allow them to support you through this time - you will undoubtably need it.

If you are in London, and ever need a hand, PM me and I will help you.

Thanks
Purplerain067 · 22/12/2015 18:26

I am so shocked by your post OP.

What kind of animal pisses on his pregnant girlfriend!?

Well done for choosing to leave him, you need to tell the police and your family. They will be able to support you and keep him away from you and your babies, bringing up twins will be hard work but so so worth it.

I wish you all the luck in the world, you can do this Flowers

OhDearMuriel · 22/12/2015 18:45

Stay strong my lovely - don't subject yourself and your innocent babies to the weak disgusting scumbag. It will be much easier to leave him now, than it will be in the future.
Please be careful - make sure you are safe, and definitely tell your family - I'm sure they will be horrified and welcome you back with open arms - I certainly would if you were my daughter.
Good luck x

BishopBrennansArse · 22/12/2015 18:47

LeaLander very much has an axe to grind, OP please disregard that post.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

wizzywig · 22/12/2015 18:51

New year = fresh start x

Mlb123 · 22/12/2015 18:58

I bet the op's partner was quite well behaved until she was vulnerable and he then dared show his true colours as believes he has the opportunity to control the op now.

So no the op didn't choose to have a child with a loser who quite literally pisses on her, that came after as he is incensed she is trying to get him to moderate his behaviours. Rather than face up to his responsibilities he has chosen to lie and try to manipulate and abuse the op as she is pregnant and vulnerable. What a scumbag he is and you must leave him now or it will escalate. Good luck op and take care of you and your babies please xx

MoominPie22 · 22/12/2015 21:36

possum I really hope you're doing a bit better now that you have a plan and all these ladies have helped bolster and boost your self-confidence and belief in yourself Flowers

I know it's hardly a priority just now but, as another poster mentioned, your silence protects him. Usually idiots like this have a very different "Public Persona" and keep how they behave behind closed doors very much to themselves.....I'll bet he's even liked and respected in day to day life. 2 faced fuckwit Angry

Well I'd be shouting from the bloody rooftops what he did to you, shame the bloody perpetrator is wot I say! Tell his parents, tell his mates, his colleagues, announce it on flipping Facebook if you fancy! Cos honest to God, I'll bet he didn't go bragging to his father, best pal or boss that he pissed on his pregnant partner just cos you tried to stop him getting into a car and killing someone whilst under the influence! Did he? You are incubating and growing his tiny babies and he's using you as a urinal?? Can we get anymore disrespectful??Shock

No I'll bet that's one nasty little incident that he's kept under his hat and assumed you would too? And I bet you've not told a soul have you? Cos he's probably made YOU feel ashamed cos of HIS behaviour! He is nothing but a shit stain on your shoe and he's not even worthy of procreating. What a role model for your babies in future eh? Nasty, selfish fucking wanker.........I wish you well Chocolate Brew, take care luv and stay strong. Draw on the strength of those nearest and dearest. x

FrancesNiadova · 22/12/2015 21:50

possum the natural reaction of most men is to want to protect the mother of their unborn child.
You know what he's done is warped and abnormal. You know that you have to get away for the safety of your babies as well as yourself.
Get all the documents of bank accounts & any savings, big purchases, rent agreements, your passport & driving licence locked away safely.
Best wishes for the morning, it will be tough to say all this IRL to your midwife, but you will be better off for it.
Be that lioness protecting her precious unborn cubs from this excuse of a man, because he's no protective father now & he never will be.
Sending best wishes your way FlowersFlowersFlowers