he's just left me, pregnant with twins

[possum18]

Expecting twins in April. He used to do a bit of recreational drugs (mainly cocaine). Promised he would stop when we were trying to conceive. Also cut back alcohol (used to drink a lot) and stop smoking.
Since I got pregnant I've caught him with drugs a few times and been really upset, threatened to leave.. He always denies it and then admits the truth after he realises he's been caught red handed and can't deny it. Been really good for a few months but we've just moved house and only been here a week, already found half empty bags and other signs, as well as cigarettes. He went out Friday and got very drunk, came home and was very aggressive, pushed and grabbed me and left me with bruises up my arm. He doesn't remember the night at all. This morning I found drugs again, confronted him calmly and he lost it, said I don't trust him and must be 'planting' it on him so cause a fight. He's now left. I paid 6months upfront rent for this house and the last house is in notice period, which he said he has cancelled and is moving back into.
I don't know how I feel. I don't want to be around him when I know he's just lying to me and treating me like an idiot day in and day out - but the thought of having these babies without him terrifies me. I feel really alone and unwell.
It's Christmas in a few days and he's meant to be coming to all my family occasions with me, what am I going to say to people.
I don't know what I'm asking for but I just needed to write this down.

mouldycheese, what a helpful post. [confusd]

OP, as a midwife, please, please, please report this to the Police today. Call 101 and they will put you in touch with your local DV team. Also call your midwife and ask for an appointment to discuss getting extra support in place. Regretfully this will be treated as a CP concern so your full participation is paramount. Your ex is a cunt of the highest order and I would suggest you have no further contact directly and possibly use a third party to give him any information he needs regarding the babies.

Please also tell your family immediately. I would be so surprised if they didn't suspect their were issues. Make no excuses for him, be truthful and allow them to support you. I hear how scared you are about being alone. There is a good amount of time for you to set up a network of support for the next few months.

Start by telling the Police and your family, that way you are less likely to give in and give him another chance when he comes begging ( he will).

Take care and use the support on here.

I yes you are in shock which is perfectly natural
How can a lovey normal person react to such nastiness
If I were you I would confide ina family member to come and pick you up from where you are today.
Explain what's happened you don't want a big drama at the moment just need him/her to be there when you pack your stuff and tell your dp that he is not invited to xmas and then then let everyone else look after you.
That is what you need.

He pissed on you?

What sort of human being would actually do that?

This man is no role model.

Confide in your parents about his behaviour.

You will never get the fairytale ending with him.

Please do tell your family. They love you and would want to help you.

What the actual fuck! He's accusing you of 'planting' the drugs, clearly is a liar, has physically abused you, has a drug problem (lying and hiding it, proves this) and pissed on you, oh my goodness. He has done you a massive favour, seriously. You are well off out of it. You need to tell your family the truth so you won't go back! Please at least tell your parents.

I agree with mouldycheese. It boggles the mind, truly. Why don't women want better for their offspring than these losers?

Please stop blaming the victims. Women are not responsible for policing men's behaviour. And abusive men are experts in manipulation and charm - which is why women fall in love with them.

OP are you close to your family? Do you get on well with them? You mention being the youngest of the family and a bit cossetted...how about taking HUGE, justifiable advantage of that and just going there now and telling your Mum everything and just spending Xmas getting hugs. That's the short term. Gets you away from him and all his chaos too. If you were mine I'd wrap you up in the poorly blanket now and just make everything ok .

In the longer term, much better being a Mum of twins (I am) if you're only focussing on them, not their twat Dad too who would not only not be helping, he'd be creating more work and stress. Once you're a bit calmer, find yourself a local twins club, visit it before you have the babies so you've got contacts (plus excellent source of hand me downs) and a sense that it IS possible. Put lots and lots of people in place - friends, family, anything your GP can hook you up with - in terms of help in advance and give people clear practical tasks like filling up your freezer, you babysit for an hour so I can go for a walk etc. If you're anything like me, I tend to answer 'do you need any help?' with 'no, I'm fine'. Now's the time to learn a new response i.e. 'well, that's very kind of you. Would you be happy to...' It's fab and it works!

Lots and lots and lots of hugs and perspective and PLEASE drive/train/donkey/whatever to your family.

So sorry this is happening to you. Honestly though you will be much better without him. Twins will be hard work (but lovely) and you will cope a whole lot better without him to worry about. The quicker you move on from him the quicker your life will improve.

I would report what he has done to you to the police as he sounds dangerous. Plus it needs to be logged in case he tries to get access to the twins at a later date.

I am pleased to hear you have a supportive family and friends. Look after yourself and your babies now and forget him.

[Flowers] OP. As other wise posters have said please leave.

Women are responsible for deciding to have babies with them saying otherwise infantilises women. Op made an active choice there she was trying to get pregnant.

He pissed on you? That is assault in itself. I think you should tell everyone and they will be so horrified no one will let him back into your life again.

Mouldy cheese I in no way want to be rude, and I know this is a discussion board, but I posted on here looking for some positive light. If I wanted to be blamed and made to feel even worse and more ashamed than I already do and continued to be kicked whilst i was down I would have continued my relationship. You make very valid points but I think your timing for making them is inappropriate, what exactly do you want me to say back to you? What do you want me to do about it now?? Please tell me, because if you want to make me feel any worse than I already did/do, congratulations I feel worse.

Well said, OP. It sounds as if his behaviour has escalated recently but, that is not the point. You need support and not blame.

The positive light is that he has gone. Do not under any circumstances have anything to do with him again.

Report the incidents to the police as this will help you after your children are born and he wants to see them. The thought of him being alone with your babies? I dread to think. Sorry to bring that up but this is not going to be easy for you. Tell everyone and rely on them for support,

Also, I never said he had a big drug problem previously, nor than he had ever been aggressive prior to Friday. We have been together a long time. During our time together previously (before ttc) he was a recreational drug user (as I said in op) mostly on big nights out, but often a bit here and there at home. I had some major health concerns over the last 2 years and we decided it was the best time health wise for me, as well as being very in a fortunate financial position, to have a baby. We had a very stable relationship. We both agreed to have a healthy lifestyle before trying to get pregnant, which as far as I was aware went very well until I got pregnant and starting finding out he was lying, doing drugs..etc. I never thought he had a problem, and when he agreed to stop it seemed like it was so easy to him. As for the aggression, Friday was the first time I've ever seen him like that, I've hardly seen him get angry before. So yes, I did actively try and get pregnant, for over a year, and was over the moon to have one baby let alone two with him because as far as I knew at that time - he was great. My choice.

OP- you will find your friends and family more suppportive of you on your own than if you stay with this twat.
No matter how hard it might be, it is bound to be easier with just the three of you.

And yes- get this documented. Your midwife will sadly have seen this before and will know how to help you get support

What Matilda said.

You poor, poor thing and your babies. I really feel for you. I think your partner is an absolute cunt and you really need to make sure that the police and your midwife know what's been going on so that you can protect your babies and yourself in the future. He should not be allowed to have them on his own, imagine if they ate some of his drugs or got neglected and hurt!!!

Please try and get real life support and contact the police to give you security and protect your unborn dc

This is not the time Mouldycheese.
Op is not responsible for a man turning out to be a raving lunatic.

Go to your family op, get help from them and the police. If they or your friend can Call the police for you so much te better.
Many of us understand your shock, have been there and got the t-shirt. Many reasons why we do not expect a person that claim to love us to behave in such abysmal ways. Move on with your life with people who do love and cherish you, let them help you to get away from this man.

I have called and scheduled an appointment with my midwife first thing tomorrow morning. I will be going to the police station or calling 101 as soon as I have the privacy to do so. Thank you all so much. I wouldn't have thought to have called the midwife - great advise and hope she can point me in the best direction.
I'm overwhelmed by your kind words and honest opinions

Also want to say that once someone crosses a line they will cross another.

If he calls you names then he will start at that next time and escalate. If he is physically aggressive he will start there at that line and escalate from there.

Do not talk his behaviour small. He will do it again. Once a line is crossed he will not respect your boundaries and keep pushing them until there are none left.

I will ask for my posts to be deleted they were not designed to upset the op.

Good god that is shocking
He's highly abusive my lovely and this could escalate especially if he throws himself into drugs and alcohol following the split
You need to tell people and you absolutely must see this relationship as over. You and the babies will not be safe if you take him back.

"Please stop blaming the victim".

Sorry but I don't consider women who choose to conceive with abysmal losers as "victims." Victims are those experiencing misfortune through circumstances beyond their control such as disease, crime, war, etc. deciding to bear kids with scum is a voluntary situation and one deserves to be held accountable for the predictable outcome and its adverse effect on the children.

Good riddance to bad rubbish

I'm utterly shocked by his behaviour, you poor lass.
Tell your family and let them help and support you, and definitely report him to the police.
You're far safer and better off without him, what a bastard.