How do you lay this stuff to rest?
Over the last 5yrs I have had my life's story rewritten again and again as I uncover unpleasant 'truths' that change what I thought happened, what I thought was my life, my sisters life, my family bonds, all not true.
And I'm not seeking out those truths, or trying to delve back into the past looking for answers. It's all raked up again and again because me and DS are still paying the price for it all, and our lives literally (actually literally) depend on it.
And my sister and fathers lives did depend on it, except they're dead.
I tried all evening to write a summary and it's too hard.
Basically, found out my parents always knew about the possibility of a genetic condition being passed down. They knew before they got married.
How can someone do this? Almost five decades of lies. The very foundations of my own life and the terrible tragedies that have hit our family again and again, reeling from the shock as a genetic condition slowly reeks havoc on the people I love... The lie was that anyone else was shocked and ignorant about what was happening.
Feel like the whole thing is some sick joke, and I'm the punch line.
How can parents endanger the lives of their children (sister died, I'm now severely disabled), one of themselves (dad died), and their grand child (DS may have it too)?
My mother in particular has behaved so very badly over the years, my dad was lovely though with his own problems, but kind and gentle and caring. Not very responsible though or he'd have intervened as my mother was a horrible horrible person, emotionally abusive we'd ca it these days. I can sort of see my mother doing this more than my dad, a stretch even for her, but she does have form for being breath takingly selfish and cruel. But even so, this means she was shouting and screaming that we were making it up to get attention/ doing it to upset her, how it was my fault that the family was poor/ she didn't work/ dads job was always insecure...all the time KNOWING what was happening.
She watched and bitched as her favorite daughter went through all kinds of hell, she watched her die with no diagnosis, no treatment, just terror of knowing there's something terribly wrong and no one will help.
How? I don't understand. She loved my sister so much, and my parents fell apart when she died.
And then to watch me getting iller and iller, not knowing what was happening, not knowing where to turn. Then having a grandchild, without ever thinking to tell your daughter the risk for him.
Then dad dying, they didnt tell the docs any family history, even though he was dying of what people with my condition die of. My mother behaved unforgivably at this time, cruelly and shockingly, which I thought was to hurt me (which it was but with a double whammy of being able to stop me being able to tell the hospital the family history.
I can't even start to understand how my dad went along with this?
It's like living in a snow globe and every so often someone comes along and gives it a shake, and my world turns upside down and resettles into a completely different shape.
What do I do with this? I don't know how to think or feel...