How do you lay this stuff to rest?
Over the last 5yrs I have had my life's story rewritten again and again as I uncover unpleasant 'truths' that change what I thought happened, what I thought was my life, my sisters life, my family bonds, all not true.
And I'm not seeking out those truths, or trying to delve back into the past looking for answers. It's all raked up again and again because me and DS are still paying the price for it all, and our lives literally (actually literally) depend on it.
And my sister and fathers lives did depend on it, except they're dead.
I tried all evening to write a summary and it's too hard.
Basically, found out my parents always knew about the possibility of a genetic condition being passed down. They knew before they got married.
How can someone do this? Almost five decades of lies. The very foundations of my own life and the terrible tragedies that have hit our family again and again, reeling from the shock as a genetic condition slowly reeks havoc on the people I love... The lie was that anyone else was shocked and ignorant about what was happening.
Feel like the whole thing is some sick joke, and I'm the punch line.
How can parents endanger the lives of their children (sister died, I'm now severely disabled), one of themselves (dad died), and their grand child (DS may have it too)?
My mother in particular has behaved so very badly over the years, my dad was lovely though with his own problems, but kind and gentle and caring. Not very responsible though or he'd have intervened as my mother was a horrible horrible person, emotionally abusive we'd ca it these days. I can sort of see my mother doing this more than my dad, a stretch even for her, but she does have form for being breath takingly selfish and cruel. But even so, this means she was shouting and screaming that we were making it up to get attention/ doing it to upset her, how it was my fault that the family was poor/ she didn't work/ dads job was always insecure...all the time KNOWING what was happening.
She watched and bitched as her favorite daughter went through all kinds of hell, she watched her die with no diagnosis, no treatment, just terror of knowing there's something terribly wrong and no one will help.
How? I don't understand. She loved my sister so much, and my parents fell apart when she died.
And then to watch me getting iller and iller, not knowing what was happening, not knowing where to turn. Then having a grandchild, without ever thinking to tell your daughter the risk for him.
Then dad dying, they didnt tell the docs any family history, even though he was dying of what people with my condition die of. My mother behaved unforgivably at this time, cruelly and shockingly, which I thought was to hurt me (which it was but with a double whammy of being able to stop me being able to tell the hospital the family history.
I can't even start to understand how my dad went along with this?
It's like living in a snow globe and every so often someone comes along and gives it a shake, and my world turns upside down and resettles into a completely different shape.
What do I do with this? I don't know how to think or feel...
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How do you get through finding out your whole life wasn't what you thought it was?
MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/12/2015 04:01
Miscellaneous Whenever you talk about your parents it always makes me wonder " why would you even bother to have kids in the 1st place!"...seriously though...if that is the dispicable treatment meted out to you and your sis, why in Hell's name did they even bother to procreate??
No disrespect intended.
Do you think they just hoped for a miracle and that neither of you would have this awful, life-changing condition? And if neither of you had, and you'd both been healthy kids, would they have been like "normal", loving parents, do you think?
Or do you think you'd still be posting on here due to toxic parents even if you had been born without this condition?
Some stories I read really are traumatizing and it honestly does make me wonder sometimes if people have kids just so they can abuse them in 1 form or another. Cos it really does sound like that was their sole motivation for having kids, when I read some awful stories ( both yours and others on Stately Homes ). I'm not religious but I really hope they go straight to Hell cos God knows they've had a lifetime of opportunity to repent their sins. 
Sound sensible to me, Miscellaneous 
I realise I perhaps shouldn't say this, but I confess I was a bit surprised to learn you'd had her for Christmas at all; IME people like this can so easily interpret a thing like that as "everything's just fine" and then use it for more self-justification
Hopefully, though, that's at least one thing you may not have to worry about in future?
Was hoping I could go for being the better person but I'm very much failing to do that
No, please believe me that you're not failing - even to have had her there was a very principled thing to do, though the outcome could probably have been expected. At least it's only until tomorrow (I think?) and then you can hopefully remove her influence from your life
By the way, the "helpless little me" seems to be pretty classic too; IME they use it as a buffer against blame; after all, if she's so incompetent, how she can be responsible for anything? 
And op - its blindingly clear you are already the better person You don't need the approval of anyone, only yourself and to feel as though you're doing your best now.
I strongly advise you concentrate on the future now, and drop the past. Its in your and immediate family best interests to do so and you'll feel better for giving yourself permission to do so. you have no obligation whatsoever.
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I dunno Misc. I inherited a genetic variable condition from my Dad. I feel like my Dad minimised it and I didn't get all the help and treatment I should have got, which has greatly impacted on my life. And perhaps worse, was brought up to think of it as something a bit shameful.
I think he did this because he genuinely did not realise my condition was much worse than his. But also because he felt terrible guilt and shame about it and his solution was to simply pretend it wasn't happening.
Are there some elements of this with your mother?
The worse thing was, when my Dad got older, and his disability became worse, he was terribly needy and helpless about problems I'd always had to tough out for myself. And I despised him a bit for that and I was quite angry about it. I have some regrets that I couldn't find it in myself to be more understanding and forgiving but it is what it is.
All we can do Misc is try not to let the bitterness hurt us even more and be better parents to our own children.
Thanks for everyone's posts. I will reply properly too them and keep wanting to, but struggling to keep head above water during The Visit.
I feel good and therefore terribly guilty... Just a few hours now. I've already booked her taxi to the train station 
Slightly awkward as she wanted DS to sleep in with her last night (she's in DSes room) but DS didn't want to and he wanted to snuggle in with me instead... I kind of wish he had wanted to have some last time with her but obviously not going to force him. He's loved having her here, except for me turning into horrible angry mum.
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