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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated on my husband.. Do I tell him?

54 replies

ellie09 · 18/12/2015 21:29

I've been with my husband for over 6 years and have been married for 15 months. I'm 22 and he is 25.

Things were 'ok' although he was becoming increasingly nasty about my family/friends in the months leading up to this incident. His temper also increase and he has 'shoved' or 'slapped'me a couple of times.

I was out on Saturday for a work night out and got absolutely drunk. The most drunk I've been. I ended up in an apartment taking drugs with a few others which is also unlike me. I was trying it on with a few people, and there was one where it went too far.

It got to 7am and you'd have thought I'd have went home.. No, I decided to go back to this guys place. Sex for hours, every position and build up frustrations coming out. I didn't even feel any remorse. I felt numb.

I came home, stayed silent and haven't said a word although he had suspicions which I denied. Due to his temper I was scared of his reaction considering he smashed the house up cos of the fact I came home at midday.

I am so unhappy. I don't want to be with anyone else but I think I need some time on my own.

Do I tell him what happened? Or how do I walk away otherwise?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 18/12/2015 21:31

just leave him. You don't need to stay with someone who is violent to you.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/12/2015 21:31

I think he has already physically assaulted you, and by telling him you would be putting yourself in serious danger. You need to get out of this relationship, and if the name in your screen name is your real name, you need to change it.

toffeeboffin · 18/12/2015 21:33

Walk OP, it's not working. You're only very young, leave now.

Fionajsd · 18/12/2015 21:33

Just go Hun, don't tell him just leave xx

eastwest · 18/12/2015 21:33

I agree, you should leave.

AuntieStella · 18/12/2015 21:33

Yes, I think you need some time on your own too.

To reflect on why there is no space in it for an increasingly violent man.

Taking recreational drugs isn't the answer. Sex with what sounds like random strangers certainly isn't the answer. And this sort of out of character reckless behaviour is, to me, a signal that something is badly wrong. But it's also the wrong way to force a crisis.

Have you somewhere to go? Ideally straight away.

OSETmum · 18/12/2015 21:33

Well I don't normally condone cheating, but in your case, I definitely wouldn't tell him for fear of what he'd do.

I would definitely leave him though...

DragonsCanHop · 18/12/2015 21:33

I think this "incident" should be another nail to add to the coffin of your relationship.

You are 22 with a partner who physically attacks you.

You need to leave and I don't think being open and honest with him about this will make a jot of difference.

Brighit · 18/12/2015 21:35

Do not tell him for your own safety and please leave this 'man' who is violent towards you.

upaladderagain · 18/12/2015 21:37

Don't tell him you shagged someone else, just tell him it's over.

vestandknickers · 18/12/2015 21:40

This is not a marriage. Walk away.

You don't seem to have any respect for yourself. Please start making better choices.

WanderingTrolley1 · 18/12/2015 21:42

Don't tell him, but do walk away.

pocketsaviour · 18/12/2015 21:45

Don't put yourself in any more danger than you're in already. You obviously know that you did something very wrong, but this sounds a dangerous man.

Could you go to your parents? Are they nearby?

NomNomDePlum · 18/12/2015 21:46

don't worry about the guy, i don't really think you can cheat on someone who has already obliterated any relationship with his fists. leave, don't bother explaining.

and then spend a long time recovering, and remembering that you are 22 and there is no need to be married, or serious, or to take any shit from anybody.

good luck.

neighbourhoodwitch · 18/12/2015 21:57

Do not tell. xxx

bjrce · 18/12/2015 21:57

" I was trying it on with a few people," FFS

CrapWreathKeith · 18/12/2015 22:03

Brjce this is very normal for people with low/no self esteem due to abuse

Leave op, you are still very young, and have your whole life ahead of you.

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 22:04

leave him. before he kills you.
don't tell him, i'm worried about what he might do to you when he knows.

regenerationfez · 18/12/2015 22:05

You've been with this man since you were 16. He has abused you. Get out as soon as possible. You are so young and have experienced so little. You could live to 80. Can you imagine the next 58+ years with him? If not, why waste any more of your life?

Theimpossiblegirl · 18/12/2015 22:06

It seems to me that your behaviour is a clear cry for help. Listen to yourself, walk away and focus on rebuilding your own feelings of self-worth. 22 is plenty young enough to start again.

If you have somewhere to go, pack a bag and go. Please don't be too harsh on yourself for what happened, and don't tell him whatever you do. You are obviously deeply unhappy and needed a reason to leave.

Take care.

Hassled · 18/12/2015 22:08

The last thing on earth you should do is tell him. What you should do is run for the hills and maybe get some counselling. That numbness you describe when you were with the guy - that's not good. I think you've had a really traumatic time with your DH and probably need a bit of help at this stage. But first of all - leave.

RandomSocks · 18/12/2015 22:08

He smashed the house up because you came home at midday? Don't tell him but do leave him. No need to tell him why.

Spending some time with yourself is a good idea, it will take a while to get your sefl-esteem back after being abused.

Have you got somewhere to go that you will be safe and from where can get to work? Parents or other family?

Klaptout · 18/12/2015 22:11

Leave, don't tell him. He has already been violent over smaller stuff. Do you have somewhere safe to go?

munkynutts · 18/12/2015 22:13

Get away from him.

Why are you using 'quote marks'? He slapped you. He shoved you. He hurts you. This is not normal. You are too young to only experience this. There's a whole world of men out there, men who look after you and protect you and care for you. He is a dick and you can do so so much better.

Don't tell him you cheated, he will hurt you. Leave him. Don't be scared and don't think you love him. You don't. You are just so very familiar with him. You're scared of what life would be like without him, worried you will be lonely or worried you wont find anyone to replace him. But you will. Someone much better who makes you feel warm and safe.

Dipankrispaneven · 18/12/2015 22:15

Yes, leave. But, after last Saturday, you also need to get yourself checked at an STD clinic.