I cheated on my husband.. Do I tell him?

[ellie09]

I've been with my husband for over 6 years and have been married for 15 months. I'm 22 and he is 25.

Things were 'ok' although he was becoming increasingly nasty about my family/friends in the months leading up to this incident. His temper also increase and he has 'shoved' or 'slapped'me a couple of times.

I was out on Saturday for a work night out and got absolutely drunk. The most drunk I've been. I ended up in an apartment taking drugs with a few others which is also unlike me. I was trying it on with a few people, and there was one where it went too far.

It got to 7am and you'd have thought I'd have went home.. No, I decided to go back to this guys place. Sex for hours, every position and build up frustrations coming out. I didn't even feel any remorse. I felt numb.

I came home, stayed silent and haven't said a word although he had suspicions which I denied. Due to his temper I was scared of his reaction considering he smashed the house up cos of the fact I came home at midday.

I am so unhappy. I don't want to be with anyone else but I think I need some time on my own.

Do I tell him what happened? Or how do I walk away otherwise?

[BreakfastLunchPasta]

Don't tell him.
Get away from him before he hurts you really badly. Being shoved and slapped around by your dh is not normal, and it will only get worse if you stay.

Be very careful that he doesn't see this, delete history of whatever device you're using. I'm really worked for your safety :(

[PurpleGreenAvocado]

Don't tell him, just leave. He doesn't deserve to have you.

[RJnomore1]

Op this is the most sympathetic response I've ever seen on here to someone admitting being unfaithful and I hope you understand why.

Get out now.

You can have a long and happy life ahead of you but not with this man.

[category12]

Love isn't like this. Leave him.

[expatinscotland]

He's violent. It will get worse. You need to leave.

[DragonsCanHop]

Also make sure you log out and use a secure password that he can't guess

[AdoraBell]

I agree with PPs. He has been violent and abusive, you said nasty. Him hating your family and friends is a way of cutting them out of your life over time.

Abusive people follow a pattern and script. When he shoved and slapped your he probably said it was fault because you provoked him. That is part of the script.

You need to leave but do not tell him about your night out. Just leave. Take things like documents, birth certificate, passport, qualification certificates, and back details/cards etc plus anything else you don't want to give up.

He quite likely won't take it well, may try to prevent you leaving and persuade you to stay or return. Again, part of the script. Tell people what he has done, your family and friends. You need RL support so tell the people who care about you.

[munkynutts]

OP how do you feel now you've read some of these replies?

[AdoraBell]

That should have been bank details, not back.

[ellie09]

I feel a lot better.

It is as you say, familiarity more than anything.

I'm being bombarded with texts as we speak asking why I haven't got a picture of us or him on my facebook or why I'm friends with so many 'guys'. He is being insanely jealous and he knows something is up.

I think I'm going to go to my mums.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

You have ample reason to quit the marriage. Your cheating was wrong but in this case you risk physical injury by telling so you are better remaining silent.

I personally think your cheating had more to do with wanting to be free of this twat than just drugs and alcohol.

You're very young. I was also very young when I married (barely 20) and he was also abusive. I stayed 4 years, which was 3 1/2 years too long! Don't waste your life. Trust me, you don't need him and he certainly doesn't deserve you!

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

YY, pack your things and go to your mum's. And stay there!

[StealthPolarBear]

Get out. Sounds like he's been controlling yiu since you were a child. Your cheating is bad, yes, but not the issue here

[defineme]

Yes go to your Mum's.
Get out now.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
22 is no age at all, you can make a fresh start.
Your behaviour was a cry for help.
His will only get worse.

[TeaFathers]

just go. get your essential stuff only and get the hell out of there.
tell your mum what's been going on.
then contact the police.

[Obloquy]

Yes go straight to you mum's house.

If you are at home pack your important things and some clothes and go. If you are out and he is at your home, just go there. And stay with your mum.

Also speak to the police, you want to make sure your safe.

You have a whole lifetime ahead of you.

[MissApple]

Do not let him become violent with you.

[munkynutts]

What worries me is it sounds like his behaviour is escalating? Do you think that's true?

You sound very cool and collected, there's no doubt in my mind that you will succeed in finding a new life without him. Feel free to use this thread for as much support as you need but for as long as you stick in close proximity to him please make sure you delete your history. Where are you now, do you live together?

[TimeToMuskUp]

I'm all for honesty and integrity in marriage, but this isn't a marriage to begin with. Go to your Mums, give yourself time and space away from this dick and learn to build your self esteem so high that you never allow anyone to treat you so revoltingly again.

[ellie09]

It's trying to find the right time too. I know it is all a psychological mind game on his part but it is hard.

He went to his friends house last night and spent the entire night bombarding me with texts asking did I still love him, did I still want kids, did I still want to be with him say 60 years from now.

I had cancelled on my friends to stay in and focus on our relationship a day or so ago because he had asked, then he said to 'just go ahead and go'. Before texting back to make plans again with my friends I made sure he was okay with it. Now he is going nuts that I'm going out, saying I put no effort into our marriage and he's not getting to spend any time with me etc etc even though he said it was ok!

I told him I was sick of taking the blame for everything.

Is this also part of the abuse process? I'm always made to feel like the things I do are my fault despite him originally agreeing things were ok!

I would leave ASAP but I'm currently not very well at all (lung infection) and I have been confined to my bed for the last few days.

[expatinscotland]

There will never be a 'right time'.

Do not have kids with him.

And yes, blaming you for everything is part of the abuse process.

Stop making excuses not to leave.

[defineme]

Yes it is all part of the abuse.
Please leave asap.
It will only get worse.

[expatinscotland]

You have a lung infection but are still well enough to consider going out with friends.

You need to go.

He is abusive, he is violent, he will get worse.

[Kerantli]

Please please PLEASE get out as soon as you can.

I was in a similar situation (emotional abuse, having to get a second phone just to be able to speak to people where he couldn't see what I was typing).

I admit, I cheated on him a few times trying to completely break up the relationship. Unfortunately, it wasn't until 4 years in where I was in the state of mind and the right place (found someone who actually loved me enough to want to help) to be able to get out. I have two boys and felt guilty for up and leaving their father, but i needed to get out for the good of my health. There were times where he would go off on an all out verbal abuse tirade towards me, and did try and hit me.

I'm now on antidepressants because of my ex, but I've been with the same guy that helped me, and have been for the last 4 years. The blaming game can be in an abusive relationship, but not always. It was in mine, and I still flinch when DP raises his voice or raises his hand too fast around me, but I'm getting better every day.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

He's manipulating you into always accepting the blame for anything that he doesn't like in you whilst simultaneously guilting you into accepting the fact that he's entitled to do and say whatever he wants. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear (children, your marriage, etc) in order to manipulate you by promising the things that most women want above all; a happy marriage and happy children. But you'll never get that from him, never ever ever. All you'll get is a lifetime of abuse, unhappiness, and children who live in fear and grow up with a twisted view of marriage. Is that what you want? I'm sure it isn't.

He's trying to separate you from your friends and anyone else who might tell you that what he's doing is wrong, that's why he doesn't really want you to go out. Please, please leave. PPs are right about the waiting for the 'right time', it will never come if you mean waiting until he holds the door politely for you and says 'Oh you're right! I'm shit, you'd better leave'. You need to rephrase your mindset into 'There's never a wrong time to leave'.

You are NOT responsible for him, not for his feelings, not for his behaviour, not for his happiness.