To feel sad that he hasn't messaged?

[catcalledhoover]

Went on a couple of dates with new guy who seemed quite into me (said I was nice company, attractive etc) and implied there was a future in us seeing each other, despite us living fairly far away and having busy lives. He is looking for a serious relationship rather than a fling and I believed him when he said that; so am I, eventually, but obviously happy to take it slow and play it by ear.

Anyway unfortunately our last date wasn't all sparks and fireworks, and was a bit stilted for various reasons. I was fairly sure at this point that I could take it or leave it and was happy to not see him again.

However speaking to friends about it, my mind got swayed and I thought I'd like to give it another chance to see if we can click.

We have chatted via text a tiny bit but he is not pursuing me. I don't know if he is offended about how things worked out on last date or just not that into me. I have suggested doing something else and he has not properly replied.

I just feel a bit rejected! I wasn't super keen on doing something anyway so don't get how the roles have changed so much and now I'm the one who is essentially chasing him?

I'm not intense Just a bit low over Christmas and obviously overthinking things a lot. Looking for other perspectives. I don't know whether to assume he's just going to not reply now or they he's busy and will get back to me. I'm guessing the former?

It's just an irritating event that's all. You met up twice and it didn't spark an interest in either of you. Why are you so angsty? Tbh it comes across that you want him to be madly chasing you so you can keep your ego intact.
I really wouldn't be chasing this one anymore.

Poor bloke - he's young, inexperienced, first date went well, second was a bit stilted and awkward, maybe he wasn't sure how to play it - you pulled your hand away etc - he's probably got mixed messages and not sure if he did something wrong

You've messaged him, suggested meeting up, if he wants to, he'll get back to you and make plans.

However, I don't see that he fucked up, I think you both did - take a step back, get on with your life, it's Christmas next week and everyone has demands on their time, and if you hear from him in the new year, then great, if not you've started moving on already

How could someone's feelings just go from two extremes
Maybe he thought you were great at first but didn't like you so much on the 2nd date
Why would you not just go on a third date for the sake of it
Why would you?

Yeah thanks, all good points. Can see I'm being quite crazy. I guess I'm just angry at myself because in hindsight i like him a lot and would like to see him again. Just annoyed at myself for not having shown it on the date itself, I was nervous and anxious so behaved very unlike myself. Bit of a shame but you win some, you lose some! He was great

You weren't that into him after the disappointing date.
You were happy not to see him again.
You then decided that actually, because you want that element of excitement and 'what if' over Xmas perhaps he isn't so bad after all. Better than nothing perhaps??
He then seems distant and is not chasing you.
Your nose has been out out of joint
You now feel rejected.

Just leave it now. I suspect if he was still actively pursuing you, you would be actively running in the opposite direction

I don't know superman, maybe. He was nice though and I did like him.

I'm trying to get over something myself here and do torture myself at times with what if I'ds.

But I think the bottom line is if it is meant to be, it will happen and he'll be in touch. If not, there just wasn't enough there to push it on and you'll have to let go.

Send him a message, tell it straight and say you would like to see him again but that for reasons unknown things didn't go well on your second date. Suggest something to do and a date or choice of dates, wait and see what response you get. Sorted. And don't take any notice of anyone on here who chastises you re "etiquette" .

I'm not sure why he seemed very keen initially, but it does happen. He may have been saying it insincerely, because he thought it was what he was supposed to say on a date. A bit like when people come to view your house and say how marvellous it is, but then fail to put in an offer

Or something happened on the second date that made him change his mind. It doesn't have to be something you did wrong. Maybe your laugh started to grate, you slurped your soup, you let slip that you voted ukip, who knows.

As I now see that you really like him, and there's a slim chance that he's mortified and blaming himself for the rubbish second date, I guess you could try to honestly explain how you feel. It really is a slim chance though, if he wanted you he'd have replied to firm up a third date by now.

Ok. I don't really think there's anything I can say now without seeming desperate to be honest! I have already casually said we should do something in the new year, he agreed, I said I'd be in his city in early January and to let me know if he'd be around. There's nothing else I can say right?

I will let it go, it is one of those things. Hate awkward dates

I think you've convinced yourself that you really like him so you have a distraction for lonely Christmas. Not judging, I've done the same.

Also a couple of things, if he's a virgin or even just inexperienced it definitely sounds like he wanted you to make the moves. Some men are just like this, want the girl to take the lead. He also doesn't have much to compare with so he's probably comparing your second date, awkward hotel room, to stuff he's seem on TV where passion flies ect. The other thing, men are weird, you've made yourself too available which stinks of desperation. Major repellant to men. Again, talking from experience

I know how your mind works, constant racing thoughts trying to figure out what he wants as mine is the same. People are different so just ignore the pp saying you're crazy or whatever, it's what makes you special and the right person will love you for it. Mine does

I always need to know where I stand, can't bare uncertainty. So my advice would be to text once more acknowledging the awkwardness but also you do actually like him and is he free for drinks on Boxing Day (or whenever suits you) then that's it! Get your closure.

If I was you I'd also have a nosey on some dating sites, take your mind off him

Ok thanks tea! That's so nice of you to say. I know I prob come across as slightly unhinged on this thread but I'm just struggling to figure out the situation.

How would I acknowledge the awkwardness?? Like what should I say?

Other major complication is that we don't even live in the same city but would have to meet up in mutual city to see each other. So there is a small chance he is still fixing dates when he is actually around.

My last message was "ok well I'll be in x city in early Jan so let me know if you'll be around" - now thinking I'll text him a few days before going and just say I'll be there x dates seeing friends (which I will).

He's really busy, got a very high-flying job, so if it doesn't work, fine. But after the first date we were tentatively working out when we could see each other despite this... So I don't think it needs to be a huge obstacle.

But yeah dating sites are the order of the day! And maybe to take things more slowly next time - like not see someone twice in a row. Definitely too much in this case

Maybe go quiet for a few days, as long as you can manage, then say something like, look, our second date didn't go quite as well as the first, did it? I'm not much company with a hangover! I hope I didn't put you off, as I do like you .

But, if that back fires please don't blame me lol! Everyone has different opinions on this stuff, that's just how I would do it.

I have a real feeling of deja bu.

OP, you sound a little too focused on this. It sounds like he's not that interested, and it would save you a lot of heartache if you moved on from this.

fsir enough blueprint but then why imply that you are? All through the first and second date he told me how he thought I looked really pretty, was good company, that he wanted to see me again. He has also deleted the dating app we met on. I felt guilty because I rejected his goodbye kiss.

So when he tried to hold your hand you pulled it away and when he went to kiss you, you rejected him?

I don't think you're the right woman for him.

Redmaple - I was tired, hungover and nervous. I really wasn't myself. Basically my hands were a bit clammy and I tried to make an awkward joke out of it, so didn't pull away but just kind of eased out of his grip. I didn't pull away though, we were still kind of cuddling up so not a rejection!

Then when it came for the goodbye kiss I just worked myself up nervously, and accidentally dodged it. It was excruciating. I pecked him in the other cheek as I felt weird and embarrassed about the mistake.

It's not cause I don't fancy him; after first date we had a nice kiss, held hands, whatever. It's just I was so not myself for the second date.

I'm just tearing myself into bits wondering whether I should acknowledge that I was awkward and not myself, or just leave it to him. Surely you lot know what it's like to be nervous around someone you'd just met the night before?! It was an awkward set of circumstances

But do you think possibly tearing yourself into bits over someone you've met twice and were not even that into after date one is a bit of an extreme reaction?

Okay you say you weren't your normal self but I think if he was that bothered he'd have pushed for date three and kept up some chat at least.

Honestly, have a glass of wine, get online, see who else is about. OLD in the early stages is notoriously fickle and he may well have been into and now not so much. He may just be really busy. He may have decided he doesn't want a relationship that much at the moment. You don't need to drive yourself mad over it!

You know what, considering how worked up you're getting and considering you really don't have anything to lose, I'd text this:

"Hi, I'm sorry if this seems mental, but I really would like to see you again and I'm worried that the way I acted last time might have given you the idea I'm not keen. I wasn't feeling myself that day, and I hope you don't think I was brushing you off. That wasn't my intention. When do you think you'll be free over Xmas?"

So if you messed up why are you putting all of the blame on to him in your first threads/posts? I'm afraid I agree with those saying to take some time out away from dating. Leave this poor lad alone and revisit the situation in January.