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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get in touch

77 replies

needingsomehelp1 · 18/12/2015 10:48

Hi, new to this so but I wondered if anyone can please give me some advice - long long and unpleasant story but I separated from wife and two children, then 6 and 10 - horrendous situation but basically they moved to New Zealand and I have had no contact with them for 14 years - I have recently seem picture on Facebook of my son, and want to make contact but am petrified as I was the villain I just know they will freak and not want contact - but I have to try. Anyone out there got idea son the best approach - so I simply Facebook or seek some other way - would appreciate help.

OP posts:
Original poster
needingsomehelp1 · 18/12/2015 14:02

Thanks DoorToTheRiver I appreciate that - I will do that - :)

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 18/12/2015 14:02

Pocket, the photos may be public on FB.

gateauxauxfruits · 18/12/2015 14:05

" the person I felt their mum for and me are still together" for "the person I left their mum for and me are still together" is surely best typo of all time?

DoorToTheRiver · 18/12/2015 14:12

I hope he accepts your request OP. If he does, follow it up with a short message apologising for your behaviour - both the behaviour to your ex and your kids - say you deeply regret losing touch and you would like to stay in touch if it is ok with him. Possibly say if he has any questions you are happy to answer them. Please don't put any blame on your ex for not keeping you informed and accept losing touch was your responsibility.

FredaMayor · 18/12/2015 14:13

You have done wrong by your kids for 14 years, the longer you leave it the greater the wrong will be and the harder it will be to make amends

DoorToTheRiver, to me that comes across as judgemental and I wonder what evidence you base that and your subsequent comments on? Because it would seem on the face of it you have not had knowledge of the issues surrounding this situation. In your book does the fact that OP is estranged from his DC make him a bad person? All I can say is I hope it never happens to you.

OP, I would counsel you not to make contact at this stage but to get in contact with interest groups or advisors so that you can maximise your chances of success by getting off to a good start. FB messaging with estranged family members can stall or peter out without the right forethought.

Original poster
needingsomehelp1 · 18/12/2015 14:19

Thanks all - I just can't afford to make it worse so this forum is the start for me - that's why I want to get in touch with Internet group and advisors so I can get this right - I found this site by searching - if anyone knows of any groups, please let me know.

OP posts:
DoorToTheRiver · 18/12/2015 14:21

Freda it wasn't judgemental in the slightest and if you bothered to read my comments properly you would realise I have been supportive to the OP. OP himself as admitted he could have tried harder and that is not a criticism.

FYI I know of instances where a father has not seen his kids through no fault of his own but because the ex has been a total bitch. The father, in that case, stepped away quite understandably because it was causing too much distress. But frankly I couldn't be bothered to post that because I thought there might be judgemental comments! Ironic eh!

I don't think the OP is a bad person at all, I think he is trying his hardest to rectify the situation and I wish him all the best with it.

Sorry to derail your thread OP.

FredaMayor · 18/12/2015 14:25

OP, it is important that you initiate the process yourself, since it is part of your journey. I'm not trying to impede you by not giving you links - you will find that there are many and varied interest groups simply by using Google, and if you come across newspaper articles on the way they often include links.

This is not going to happen for you in one 'click', as I am sure you are aware.
At each stage you will need time to reflect on what has taken place and decide on whether you are going in the right direction.

Take the first step, you will be OK.

FredaMayor · 18/12/2015 14:26

DTTR, I'm pleased to hear that, and now OP knows too.

Original poster
needingsomehelp1 · 18/12/2015 14:30

Thanks DTTR and FredaMayor I appreciate this - was starting to regret this post after the first few posts but feeling a bit more optimistic now - I need to go now but will pick up again soon.

Thanks

OP posts:
DoorToTheRiver · 18/12/2015 14:31

Good advice there Freda Smile

OP I am sure there are online forums with people have been in a similar situation to yourself where you may be able to find advice and help from other people's experiences.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/12/2015 14:43

You need to accept that you probably won't ever have a relationship with them.
You cheated on their mother then didn't do what you should have done to keep in contact. You haven't seen them for 14 years. You are probably an irrelevance in their lives.
Sorry.

doceodocere · 18/12/2015 14:46

OP you sound weak and spineless. You should be prepared for your kids wanting nothing to do with you. But by all means make a friend request, then it's up to your son. But don't hassle him, and do leave it until after Christmas. Let them enjoy the festive season before you drop what could well be an emotional bomb on them.

summerwinterton · 18/12/2015 15:25

and how does your partner feel about you contacting your children now?

bjrce · 18/12/2015 22:15

I agree with Freda,

OP. If you go ahead and attempt to "friend|" your son on Facebook after all this time and the history involved, it might appear very insensitive on your part.
You need to be very considerate of your children's and ex's feelings here, no matter how you feel about the past.

At the moment you really don't know whats going on in their lives. I am saying that just so you can see it from their point of view. I am not judging you.
Is there any way you could make contact with someone in their lives and take it from there. To make your attempt at reconciliation as sucessful as possible.

Original poster
needingsomehelp1 · 19/12/2015 17:39

Yup been weak and spineless and have absolutely know doubts exactly where I'll be told to go - so OK I mucked up in the past - so does that mean I just forget all about them - surely it's better to at least at some point make some kind of effort. They will tell me that they want no interest in me, they have their own live sand I don't blame them - we're not all Mr, Miss or Mrs perfect out there - I'm just asking for some advice on the best way to at least try.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 19/12/2015 17:47

14 years of no contact from you - that is way more than just weak and spineless or a bit of mucking up though. Why wait so long to make a tiny bit of effort? Sorry but my ex hasn't bothered for years, and would prob tell the same tale of woe, but ultimately if you had made the effort consistently - even if you were knocked back - then you wouldn't be in this state now. No matter what, if any, obstacles were put in your way you should have kept trying and now to say not everyone is perfect to justify your own lack of effort - well that is not going to help anyone at all is it?

wannabestressfree · 19/12/2015 17:59

The thing I get from your post is that it's everyone else's fault.... The new partner, the ex, people walking all over you etc...
I would start but apologising and taking full responsibility. Keep it short and sweat. My DS2 has a very intermittent relationship with his biological father and hates it when he mithers him....Its their age. I would keep any contact light and leave it very much with them.....
You could do the same with your ex wife too. And be prepared for a shit storm if your doing this behind your partners back.

PeasOnEarth · 19/12/2015 19:00

Do you have letters you wrote, birthday cards,etc? How have you marked these last 14 years? Is your wife a good person to and for you - supportive, interested, kind?
I'd suggest:

  1. Counselling
    To work out why you behaved as you did and develop empathy as to how your children might feel. And a plan of action which might be in 6 months or so

  2. Read.
    There's plenty of the sort of real life come fiction out there that might help you get inside your children's heads, plus psychology and social work type books about male role models and abandonment

3)Write
Therapeutic letters at first - your counsellor will guide you - to XW as well as the children. So that, when you do write, it's less awkward and you gave dealt with your demons and can make your communication about them.

forumdonkey · 19/12/2015 19:12

IMO life is too short to wait. If you want to make amends send a message from your heart, no excuses, no ego, just genuine feelings and apologies.

I know others have said let them find you but you are their parent, you make the effort and then the decision is down to them.

Good luck

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 03:36

I'd send an honest and calm message. Say who you are, say you know how much you screwed up and must have hurt them (don't mention their mum or any he said, she said stuff). Tell them you know you've left it way too long, but that you're thinking of them and would love to get to know them. Tell them that you understand that they might not want to know, but you're leaving your Facebook details, your email and your phone number, and if they ever want to talk to you they can. Then sit quietly and hope. That's all you can do. If they don't choose to contact you, that's their choice, respect it. But there may be a slight chance that they're wondering about you now and again, and want to put the jigsaw piece in that will tell them what you're like.

Muddlewitch · 20/12/2015 05:06

I don't think you should send a friend request, send a message. There isn't an 'other' folder on Facebook now, he will get a 'message request' telling him you have sent him a message and he can chose whether to accept/read it or not.

A friend request with no previous message would be out of the blue and would anger me if I was him, you are not his friend or someone he has met through work/social activities you are his estranged parent.

I think you absolutely need to make it clear in that message that you accept responsibility and are sorry, with no excuses. And make it clear that there is no pressure but that if he would like to talk/ask you will be ready when he is.

WhoooshFlooosh · 20/12/2015 05:43

I wouldn't send a FB friend request either. Why not put a profile on Fb & let your children find you? They should have the control. If they want to contact you they will.
If my dad had contacted me out of the blue (25 years absent in my case) I would have freaked out. I decided to look for him. Got the answers I needed & we are no longer in contact - my decision.

Original poster
needingsomehelp1 · 20/12/2015 10:36

To the last three/four posts and Freda thanks for the support and constructive support - the blame game is pointes. No I don't blame everyone else but I didn't take them away, change their name to another without telling me, get re-married with out telling me, send constant lawyers letter complaining about everything (for free and she worked for a lawyer) - fail to comply to court orders - no I'm no blamless.

Thanks for advice on contact - I'm going to I thing use FB and simply say it from the heart, no expectations but you have to start a million mile walk with step one - step two may never take place but for one I can say I did try. thanks to all

OP posts:
lazymoz · 20/12/2015 11:22

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