Wow that hurt!

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Just offloading really.

I had a telephone call this evening from my DM looking for the address of STBX-PIL. STBXH and I separated several years ago (well...he left).

He was and is emotionally, financially and verbally abusive. Continues to be the golden child of his parents. Despite my bending over backwards to ensure that DC remain in touch with their father and his family, I am demonised to my face and behind my back. I've got around all that in my head- "blood is thicker than water", if they admit how bad he is, it will reflect on them etc.

So, my mother rang me to ask for the address of PIL who are not at their usual home this Christmas. She wanted to send them a Christmas card- it emerged that she has continued to exchange cards with them every year since the split.

It really, really hurts.

I've had arms-length emotional support from my family; "oooh, he is awful" type remarks. But sadly, no practical support with DC, left out of conversations, been screamed at because I "had a long face" when alone at Christmas, told that it was no surprise that he left as I am "difficult to live with".

I don't know what I want from posting- just to unload the hurt really. I've done so much work to detach from it all and it/they still have the power to betray and hurt me. :-(

Awww

AF I know it's not your style but that felt pitying.

I don't want to feel pitiful. It's bloody ridiculous that (to quote you) it hurts again. Just stop letting me down bloody 'D'M.

hilarys, suggest you step away from the thread for a few days. Then come back and read it again with as calm a head as you can; I hope that's not patronising, but it's clear that this little straw has rather toppled the haystack.

also, there's a book with some really helpful insights, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Please don't be put off by the title. Not everythign in it will apply but the more you write, the more I think some parts might be startlingly familiar to you.

Your mother probably isn't going to change. But you have the chance to face and come to terms with some things now; and that will help in raising your own children.

Not pitying, just an acknowledgment that you feel crap.

The need to see us hurt grows, as we grow stronger.

One day she'll hurt your child to hurt you. Trust me. Your dc need to be protected from even the faintest whiff of that happening.

Extended family is only good if they are healthy people to be around.

Teach them what is acceptable, when you're no longer around, they'll have to make their own choices.

If you normalise crappy family, that's all they will ever gravitate towards.

Show them love, respect, warmth, support and care. Teach them what to demand from others. Teach them what to walk away from.

oh god I'm sorry Hilary! I posted that before work and haven't been back till now. I'm sorry I upset you. I just really identified with a lot of what you had posted and I tried to say in a cack handed way, it isnt you, it just isnt. You are a nice person, it shines through in your posts. Your mum isnt as nice as you, I'm sad to say. Well thats how I see it, I could be miles off. I just sensed your sadness and the unfairness of it all.

I'm sorry. I can see a bit of me in you and I want to hug you!

Sorry to pile in again when you're feeling so crap -

But it's the family's dehumanising culture towards you - of neglect, indifference, judgement towards you - that does the damage with your kids. If your family said or did something openly abusive your kids would see it and be shocked - it would be obvious 'dripping poison into their ears. But a whole culture goes in and becomes embedded and established on a subconscious level; very hard to challenge and uproot it.

By continuing to see your family, continuing to expose your kids to this damaging culture, you are sending the message to your kids that it is OK to treat you like this; that there a truth in it. As you are saying, part of you does think there's some truth in your family's view of you. There really isn't any truth in it. It is damaging for your kids to be exposed to this insidiously toxic culture that treats their mother like this. Proper damaging, not vaguely damaging.

Meanwhile, research FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - to give you the tools to stop identifying with the people who are abusive towards you. Also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Or, in short, you normalise crappy family, that's all they will ever gravitate towards. as hissy so succinctly put it.

Pain is 'good' Hilary - when it's the truth. 'Clean pain' therapists call it. It's a right of passage to getting free.

Hilary I am sorry you are so upset about your DM.

I have a slightly different situation. Divorced, fairly amicable but he is a dick and controlling.

My DM still sends him Bday and Xmas cards, also Xmas cards to his parents.
I asked her why. She told me that she wanted to keep lines of communication open. If I die she does not want to be cut out of her grandchildren's lives. I am not ill and no more likely to die than anyone else, but it makes sense to her. Now they are older teens, her excuse will be invalid in a few years. I wonder what will happen then.

I'm still reading- thank you all.
Please don't apologise for anything that you've said- it is totally my interpretation that's skewed today.
I'll read properly tomorrow.

Hilary

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so hurt but I have to say it is a relief to find others in a similar situation! I'm just beginning to realise how my dm twists things and how it's actually not all my fault - I think she gaslights me which explains the confusion. It really does hurt but you're not alone

Hilary, its me again. I don't want to bombard you but I've been thinking of this all night. I think what you're getting from my post is the feeling your mum didn't love you, that she's selfish and uncaring and she was/is indifferent to your feelings and didn't care enough to love you properly, or the way you want to be loved. But I can bet 100% if someone said to your mum do you care and love Hilary, she would 100% say yes, I certainly do. And to her, she does. But the way you love and care for someone is just totally different to the way your mum does it. I can imagine, if you were ever in her position , there's no way you'd be keeping in contact with someone who hurt your daughter. But because your mum isn't like you, she does, and she doesn't realise the hurt it causes you because she cant see it from your point of view. But I'm sure she'd say she loves you with all her heart, as shes loving you in the way she loves. Does that make any sense? I just feel you're being left with an idea your mum doesn't care for you and love you, and god knows thats how I feel about my situation, but I can also see my sibling would probably say to anyone of course she loves ssd and cares for her, and maybe she actually does, but it's just not in the way I care for people and the difference hurts me.

God I'm sorry for that long winded post! I just hope it makes a bit of sense and you stop feeling unloved and unloveable, you really aren't, you're a good person and I hope someone decent comes along into your life and shows you how true this is.

Agreed with ssd's post 100%.

She loves you in her own way, but it's not a way that takes any account of you (entirely justified) feelings. It's a blind love, in that sense.

(i do suspect though that she tends to get her own way by tugging on the 'helpless me' strings. You don't get to your level of frustration and disappointment without there being a long history of something going wrong).

OK- so for anyone still reading, thank you so much for your time and wise advice. I apologise for the drama-ing on Friday; not really my style, was overwhelmed. onceameer was spot on- the straw broke the camel.

Apologies in particular AF (whose nose I bit off with her flowers) and ssd (I may have given the impression that it was your fault that I felt floored- totally not, your insight is useful precisely because it is so correct).

No worries

I hope you are feeling a bit better.

To everyone, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I know this is just dots on a screen but I am a real person who is struggling with a real life. I wouldn't bear my soul like this to flesh-and-blood people, very few 'get it'.
Thanks for your time- I may not have thanked you by name but I do appreciate that you've shared your experience.

With your help, I've walked myself back to equilibrium; my relationship with my 'D'M has never been, and probably will never be, a good one.

We, her DC, support her and reflect glory on to her. It's a situation brought about by her choices, the times she lived and grew up in and her own life events.
I choose to be kind- she got it wrong in the past and continues to get it wrong; but that's ok.

The beauty of knowing why she does it, is that I can detach from her and understand that her behaviour is not caused by, nor is not a reflection, on me. Difficult to do, and never finished really, with your parents.

Thank you all again

Cross post AF...thank you
Much better...just decided yesterday that she is as she is. I'm just tying myself in knots thinking it'll change. I just have to remind myself to roll with the punches a bit better!

Wise thoughts.