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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Harbouring so much anger and resentment for OW.

67 replies

littlemermaid80 · 14/12/2015 23:40

DH had emotional affair with colleague 5 years ago. We were going through a rough patch, arguing constantly, getting on each other's nerves. Both suffer with depression and weren't communicating.
He grew v close to her (she was new in the office and he was responsible for training her). They talked constantly. Texted every night until early hours. He confided in her about our marriage.
Every time I asked what was going on he dismissed my worries. Said they were just friends.

I overheard a conversation between the two of them one night. He was reassuring her that he wasn't annoyed at her and to quote "you know you drive me crazy."
I blew up at him. Took his phone.
There were sexually explicit texts between the both of them, eg her describing what she wanted to do to him, her saying she's naked in the shower etc.
I took my phone out to call her but DH grabbed it and didn't let me call her. He said "think of her husband!"
I said I wasn't going to be treated like a mug.
He was crying a lot and saying sorry etc, blah blah. Anyway, he moved out for a week"to clear his head."
Moved back in.
Told me that they had kissed 3 times, but it hadn't gone any further than that. He was sobbing for me to believe him.
Swore that nothing else physical had happened and he hadn't cheated.
I (and others) pointed out that he has emotionally cheated, had kissed another woman, and he is at the very least flirted with the idea of an affair.

We got back together. After a lot of soul searching, communication, tears, anger, and upset.
He left his job so he wouldn't have to work with her anymore (one of my conditions).
He deleted his FB account and deleted her number. He has spent the last 5 years apologising.

We have a strong loving relationship now, I have learnt to trust him again (very slowly) and forgive him. He is completely open with his phone, email passwords etc. Lets me look through his messages if i want to.

We have no contact with her.
However, I'm still so ANGRY with her.
I have a mutual friend with her on FB and sometimes see her in pictures, tagged in statuses. She looks the picture of happiness, why does that make me so mad??
I've never received an apology or any acknowledgement from her.
Her husband is presumably none the wiser.
We've heard through the grapevine (mutual friend) that she's cheated on her husband before, before the incident with my DH.

I feel angry and upset with her, and even after all these years I'm resentful and hurt when I see her stuff on FB.
I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life FFS.

Sorry that this is so long.

OP posts:

seriouslywtf · 14/12/2015 23:45

I'm sorry you're going through this,
I too feel so angry towards dp for having an emotional affair.
I too do not want to feel like this but not sure what else I can do to stop feeling this way

Joopy · 14/12/2015 23:46

Hide that fb friend so you don't see her posts.
Remember that fb is not reality, people often only share the happy fun photos. How happy can she be if she is cheating on her husband?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/12/2015 23:51

I think you're still angry because you havent had a chance to resolve your anger. You've obviously worked it with your husband.

Have you thought about writing a letter to her about her she made you feel, unleash that anger and then just burn the letter. Dont send her the letter, just write it out. It might help to just release it.

Canyouforgiveher · 15/12/2015 00:00

This wasn't just a work relationship gotten close and then stepped back from the brink. If they got to texting about naked in the shower and kissing then this was well on the way to complete infidelity (in my marriage that would be infidelity - sex or no sex)

And you are entitled to feel angry at her.

But the reality is more likely that you are extremely angry with your husband but because you decided to make your marriage work, that anger can't really be expressed - because it might damage your real relationship.

Also, and I appreciate this isn't helpful in the short term, but ...

are you angry because deep down you think they did have sex/sexual contact and you were never allowed to express your outrage and anger at this because of how your husband framed it?

You have now had a good solid 5 years of a post EA relationship with your husband. You sound like you trust him and love him. I think you may need to talk to him about your real feelings about this affair with a counsellor so you can get over this anger.

Oh and like others said- just block anyone who has contact with her. you do not need to see her life in your face.

Bogeyface · 15/12/2015 00:03

Its the knowledge that they walked away scot free, whilst you, the innocent party, had all the hurt, the pain, the work. Its not fucking fair and thats what rankles.

I feel the same. She never had any come back after her affair with my husband, no pain, no explainations, not awkward conversations with her husband, nothing. I had all of that, I had the pain, the tears, the trust ripped away and I had done nothing wrong. And before anyone says, yes I know H is the one that cheated on me, but the fact that she got no "punishment" for want of a better word, feels so fucking unfair and thats why I still hate her years later.

At least H was made to pay for what he did, she bloody wasnt. I had to deal with it and she just walked away, and I fucking hate her for that, I will never stop hating her for that.

Original poster

littlemermaid80 · 15/12/2015 00:07

Thanks so much for your replies. It helps enormously just to feel like other people get it.

I think I will "hide" the friend's FB posts. I don't need to have OW in my face every day do I.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 15/12/2015 00:12

Part of the deal for H staying in the marriage was no FB, and I blocked them from my account.

Then her best friend, who knew about the affair and encouraged it, started working at out local shop. Still dealing with that......

Cabrinha · 15/12/2015 07:36

You're still angry with your husband and you're displacing that towards her because you want your marriage to work.

Morecheesegrommet · 15/12/2015 08:20

Cabrinha - as you joking? Displaced anger? This woman tried to break up her marriage and you think her anger is 'misplaced'?
Seeing OW around is one thing, providing medical care for her during a pregnancy is just something else.
There is no way it is anybody's interests for OP to be providing antenatal care for this woman.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 15/12/2015 08:29

You are in a better place than her. You have healed your marriage. She is still stuck in a marriage where she's not happy. That said (and maybe I'm bad for this), I would have told her Husband. Perhaps anonymously.

Did I miss somthing though? Morecheese says about OP providing antenatal care for OW? What??

Morecheesegrommet · 15/12/2015 08:32

Sorry - wrong thread. Oooops.

DeoGratias · 15/12/2015 08:33

If you tell her husband she might leave him and go off with your husband so I wouldn't risk it.

Morecheesegrommet · 15/12/2015 08:38

But having read this thread still think this comment is valid

OP - it is OK to feel angry as long as it is not dominating your daily life.

sheba2288 · 15/12/2015 09:32

I'm 5plus years into post-affair by my 'DH'. Physical not just emotional. I can completely relate to how you feel. The hurt hasn't gone away but the feelings are definitely not as strong.
The OW spent over 5 years trying to 'tempt' my H, with me actually warning him that she was predatory. I was beyond gutted that he actually took up with her despite this. He wasn't the only mug she'd captivated, & that made him feel more a fool (ha ha)

I do still now & again seek out her whereabouts (she was married/now divorced/moved away) because I still can't get over her audacity, considering she had pretended to be a friend, looked after my children, invited to her sodding wedding.

But my main beef is with my DH. He broke our wedding vows and my heart at the time, not her. But he has tried to amend and has put in care and love back into our life. Doesn't stop me from wanting to do her harm though...

flanjabelle · 15/12/2015 09:43

Watching with interest. My dp got very close to another woman during a period of mental illness and I can't quite let go what I feel about her. We split up for nearly 4 months before we got back together. I screamed at him, let out my anger about the way he humiliated me and treated me so badly in many ways, but I fucking hate her. I still have to see her (being vague on purpose) and I could happily punch her stupid face whenever I see her. She knew we were together, she knew we had a young baby, and she still tried to sleep with him. She actually stripped off and tried to get him in her bedroom before he came to his senses. I fucking hate her and wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

You have my sympathy op.

IrianofWay · 15/12/2015 09:53

"I've never received an apology or any acknowledgement from her."

That is the key. When someone does something to hurt you it will rankle if they don't at least acknowledge that they have done so and preferably apologise.

Of course, she owed you no loyalty as your H did, but she did owe you basic human decency as one person to another.

I tried very hard to be compassionate towards H's OW, to be understanding, not to be angry ...but I still fumed silently from time to time. 2 years after dday (approx) I saw her by change in a car park and at first she walked in the other direction as quickly as possible, then turned round, walked back to me and apologised. I can't imagine how much courage that took. I was too taken aback to say anything coherent in reply but it made a massive difference.

Original poster

littlemermaid80 · 15/12/2015 13:51

DeoGratias
My husband can't stand her now. The only emotions he feels towards her is disdain and pity. We've worked very hard at rebuilding the trust in our marriage and I have no fear that he would "go off" with her again.

I've pondered telling her husband. Apparently he's a violent bully who has broken another man's nose before in a fight over OW
Probably why she shags around.

Part of me would love to turn up at their door and watch her face as I spill the beans to her husband.

I won't though. (they have two toddlers now too).
It would open up a massive hornets nest.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlemermaid80 · 15/12/2015 13:55

IrianofWay

I think it is the key. I feel like I NEED her to contact me and apologize. I feel like I need her to acknowledge what happened and the amount of hurt she (partly) caused by pursuing my husband. She knew he was married. She knew we were having problems. She knew we both suffer with depression. She still chose to pursue him and try to get him into bed.

I need an apology but I'm never going to get one am I.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 13:58

First thing, stop believing idle gossip, changes are it's all exaggerated.

I also think your anger is displaced, if you can forgive your OH who is meant to love and adore you then you should be able to at least put this OW out your mind and stop obsessing about her.

You say she shags around, I doubt that very much, not many women would risk a marriage and 2 toddlers for a quick shag, what she had with your husband was pretty intimate and definitely emotional - you can't trust him I'm afraid, you might have forgiven but you will never be able to not think he might do it again, I hope he has learnt his lesson.

You're like a lot of women on here, the men cheat, sit back and watch the women fight over them, it's not your fight.

Jan45 · 15/12/2015 14:03

She choose to pursue him? - they pursued each other OP, get real.

IamlovedbyG · 15/12/2015 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LaurieLemons · 15/12/2015 14:20

I've been EXACTLY where you are! I know what you mean about wanting it to be acknowledged. You have to do something to make peace with the situation or you'll drive yourself crazy. Definitely block all sources of her on social networking because it only makes things worse.

She's not happy, she cheats on her husband and it probably eats her up inside. The ultimate revenge is you not giving her one more minute of your thoughts/time and letting her know she didn't ruin you, not even close. Your husband made a mistake, he took the cowards way out but maybe that's what it took to finally address your problems.

I totally get what pp are saying about how her husband is just as at fault but they have addressed it, probably talked about it endlessly and that's why they have moved on.

NA200712 · 15/12/2015 14:49

I think if you have forgiven him you need to learn to let it go. You wont ever get an apology from her because she wasn't your friend or family, she wasn't betraying you, he was. Block or hide people who are friends with her on Facebook so you cant see her posts and you will gradually just forget about her.

SelfLoathing · 15/12/2015 15:55

This is misdirected anger. Understandable -as probably the reality of it would mean you would leave your husband.

But your anger should be directed towards him. Unless an OW is your friend or relative, she owes you nothing and cares nothing for you. There's no point in being angry at her. The person who owed you loyalty and care is the man who made married vows to YOU.

It's understandable but it's a product of a patriachic society that women betrayed by their male partner (who has made promises to them and built a live with them) have been conditioned to blame the woman in the picture. Clever men for arranging the world like this. "we can shag around/have emotional affairs but our wives won't blame us they will blame the evil temptress woman for not honouring the sisterhood and leading us astray."

Adam and Eve and all that claptrap.

Try getting angry at your husband. That's where this should be directed.

Original poster

littlemermaid80 · 15/12/2015 16:14

Oh believe me, I fully realise his role in things.
I had a huge amount of anger directed at him, for years. To his credit he accepted it and would say things like "if you need to yell/scream at me, hit me, cry, call me names, burn my clothes etc, go ahead."

I've learnt to let go of my anger that he chose to screw with our marriage.
I'm not going to be fuming with him and carry around a bag of resentment for the rest of my life.

Which is why I hate feeling like this towards OW. It's only recently (6 months or so) I've been thinking about her so much.
I don't get it.

OP posts:

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