Harbouring so much anger and resentment for OW.

[littlemermaid80]

DH had emotional affair with colleague 5 years ago. We were going through a rough patch, arguing constantly, getting on each other's nerves. Both suffer with depression and weren't communicating.
He grew v close to her (she was new in the office and he was responsible for training her). They talked constantly. Texted every night until early hours. He confided in her about our marriage.
Every time I asked what was going on he dismissed my worries. Said they were just friends.

I overheard a conversation between the two of them one night. He was reassuring her that he wasn't annoyed at her and to quote "you know you drive me crazy."
I blew up at him. Took his phone.
There were sexually explicit texts between the both of them, eg her describing what she wanted to do to him, her saying she's naked in the shower etc.
I took my phone out to call her but DH grabbed it and didn't let me call her. He said "think of her husband!"
I said I wasn't going to be treated like a mug.
He was crying a lot and saying sorry etc, blah blah. Anyway, he moved out for a week"to clear his head."
Moved back in.
Told me that they had kissed 3 times, but it hadn't gone any further than that. He was sobbing for me to believe him.
Swore that nothing else physical had happened and he hadn't cheated.
I (and others) pointed out that he has emotionally cheated, had kissed another woman, and he is at the very least flirted with the idea of an affair.

We got back together. After a lot of soul searching, communication, tears, anger, and upset.
He left his job so he wouldn't have to work with her anymore (one of my conditions).
He deleted his FB account and deleted her number. He has spent the last 5 years apologising.

We have a strong loving relationship now, I have learnt to trust him again (very slowly) and forgive him. He is completely open with his phone, email passwords etc. Lets me look through his messages if i want to.

We have no contact with her.
However, I'm still so ANGRY with her.
I have a mutual friend with her on FB and sometimes see her in pictures, tagged in statuses. She looks the picture of happiness, why does that make me so mad??
I've never received an apology or any acknowledgement from her.
Her husband is presumably none the wiser.
We've heard through the grapevine (mutual friend) that she's cheated on her husband before, before the incident with my DH.

I feel angry and upset with her, and even after all these years I'm resentful and hurt when I see her stuff on FB.
I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life FFS.

Sorry that this is so long.

Watching with interest. I feel exactly the same.

Your husband made the decision to stay with you and work at your marriage. If that was your choice too then you need to move on.

My stbxh decided (with a little help from me) to live with the ow. Now the ow gets to spend time with my children. Imagine how that feels and what I would like to do to her! But life moves on and at least I know I'm not living with someone I could t trust ever again.

Maybe in finally accepting and forgiving your husband you are now faced with grieving the relationship you had before she came along? Part of grieving is anger, and maybe she now symbolises this grief more than him? Either way it sounds difficult and painful

I think women are often discouraged from expressing anger. You have probably been busy with your feelings for your husband and the work you have done on your relationship.
Now the dust has settled your anger towards her has been able to come to the surface. It is not misplaced, you are allowed to be angry with her but ultimately you will not find resolution from her, only from within.

Could you try writing down all your anger towards her in a letter (which you will never send!), it sounds a bit woo but I know people who have found it very helpful.

I'm afraid the anger is misplaced.

She had not made any promises to you. She did not even know you. She betrayed her own husband and if he knew he would have a right to be angry with her but she didn't owe you any loyalty.

By being angry with her you are letting your husband off the hook. You are allowing yourself to believe that she seduced him and thus that she has all or more of the blame. In fact he was entirely responsible for his own choices no matter what she did. He could have said no.

You are angry that she suffered no consequence. Nor did he in any real sense. He's happy for you to shout etc because that doesn't actually hurt him. He is secure in the knowledge that despite your anger you are staying.

I think this anger is for him and you are directing it at her. I think you should have therapy either individually or together.

I hate it when people say that a cheated on person shouldnt be angry at the OW/OM.

Of course they can!

Hating the OW doesnt mean that the person is less angry with the cheating spouse, you can do both you know!

In my case I am angry because of the total lack of consequences for the OW. Her husband never found out, she never had to deal with the shit storm I had to deal with, despite the fact that I was totally innocent. She got to walk away with not adverse effects whatsoever and that makes me so fucking mad. Its not fucking fair! So yes I do hate her and yes I am angry with her and no it is not misplaced at all!

I think this anger is for him and you are directing it at her. I think you should have therapy either individually or together.

You can think what you like but you dont know anything about anyone elses situation.

Dont fucking patronise those of us who have to live with it every single day.

Hear hear Bogeyface

Fully aware that Ow has not betrayed me, only my H has. Bus she wasn't complicit?! She knew about me and my children but because she doesn't know me it's okay to sleep with him?!

That mentality doesn't sit well with me at all! I repeat, my H is the one who is at fault and betrayed me and his family and is the source of my anger, yet I find myself furious at the Ow too. I was brought up to treat people with respect whether I knew them or not. A basic level of decency, no?

I'm sure my anger is also not helped by the fact that Ow seems to regularly go after married men. But that's okay, she isn't contributing towards the damage of other women and families as she doesn't know them or isn't married to them, so owes them nothing

The anger is not misplaced. Of course people owe each other decency. It's ok to shit over someone if you don't know them? Wow.

I hope you can work things out op. The anger is probably destructive -for you- try to channel it into something positive.

Hear hear (again!) Bogeyface. Totally agree.

Mamadoc thanks for your input but I disagree.
My DH was not "let off the hook," trust me.

I also totally agree with the above poster....the mentality that the OW doesn't"know me or owes me anything" doesn't give her permission to sleep with a married man!
She's still behaved badly and she knew that she helped contribute to my mental anguish.
She could have sent me a message or picked up the phone to say one little word. Sorry.

That's where my anger is. Maybe I'm naive to expect an apology.

Helmetbymidnight

Thank you. I think I will "hide" all the posts on FB and distract myself every time I feel the urge to peek at her pics, feel upset etc.
Will need to focus on the loving relationship between the two of us now, and channel my energy into something positive like you say.

I wouldnt accept an apology tbh, I really wouldnt.

She wasnt sorry that she did it, she was sorry that they got caught and fucking terrified that I would tell her husband, which I may still do if she hasnt the sense to stay the fuck away from me. She knows that I have transcripts of every text and FB message as I told her this. THAT is what she is sorry for, if she had been sorry for what she did, she wouldnt have done it. So if she did try to apologise I would be telling her in no uncertain terms where she could stick her apologies.

And as for the letting my husband get away with it, not a chance. Seeing his face when I asked him to read the transcript and explain how this was a "mistake" makes me think that it was an experience I doubt he wants to repeat.

I actually got an apology. I will copy and paste it from my texts. This is before I knew about her trying to sleep with him and was just about her sneaking around with him behind my back.

I feal really bad and im so sorry if you feal like this is my fault coz I feal partly to blame so im sorry xxxxxxxxxxxx

I also got another one telling me she was there for me during the breakup, that although she looked like a bitch she was actually a really good person. Yeah. I can c+p that one too if you would like a laugh.

For some reason, these texts don't make me hate her any less.

Wow, she apologised and THEN tried to shag him?

As I say to my kids, sorry means that you know what you did wrong and will not do it again.

I may have missed it, but you didnt smack her one....why?!

No, she had actually tried to sleep with him the night before. did a little dance in her underwear. Then when he turned her down she got angry told me about how he had been going to her flat at night when I was asleep for months to chat. Conveniently leaving out the part when she did her little strip tease.

Funnily enough her other message was telling me to focus on my dd and forget about him. She was so focused on my dd when she was trying to split up her family wasn't she!

And no I didn't actually blame her for it all, it was 99% my dps fault. He was the one who owed me the honesty. He was the one who broke my heart. She was just a cunt of the highest order.

It actually feels quite good to get it out!

Thats another thing that bugs me about MN. You cant say that a woman is predatory "But he doesnt have to say yes!". Well no he doesnt, but the fact is that there ARE women (and men) who will set their cap at someone, as my granny used to say, and go all out to get them. I know several!

Agreed. She is seriously lacking something though and I can see that. She has massive problems and I think he was drawn to her because he was so fucked up at the time (mid mental breakdown). Her life is in the shitter and sometimes when I am feeling really generous I feel a bit sorry for her. She flung herself at a bloke who was completely losing his mind and even he didn't want her. He just wanted someone as fucked up as him to talk to. That didn't make it any less painful for me, there was still all the lies, the sneaking around, the texts, the secrets. But he didn't actually want to fuck her, or he would have, and she wouldn't have got angry and told me.

he didn't actually want to fuck her, or he would have, and she wouldn't have got angry and told me.

Small comfort, but some comfort.

Indeed bogey. Thanks for listening to my ranting. this thread has made me realise I am holding on to more anger than on healthy for me. It's good to let it out. Night. :)

I get it. And I think the main reason I am still angry with OW is she hurt my children. Their father left to be with her & it hurt them dreadfully. I know she has no reason to care about someone else's children. But anyone who hurts my children gives me the rage. Yes their father hurt them too, but at least he had to look them in the eye and know what he had done. It hurt him too - I don't think he really realised what he was doing to them until it all became real & by then it had gone too far. So he now has to pay for his choice. But she got to meddle in the lives of me & my children and cause us huge hurt & then walk away. Her relationship with my partner didn't last more than a few weeks & then she got to go back to her normal life & wash her hands of it. Me, my partner & children have to live with it forever. He deserves to. The rest of us did nothing to cause this.

Block her and stop punishing him. Move on.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

I am struggling to believe that you are 100% happy with your dh.

If you were truly happy then nothing or nobody would come between you.

Why didn't you tell her dh?
Was there some element that he would end it with her, thus leaving her free and single and more appealing to your dh, and more of a threat to you?
I would have told her dh if I were that angry.

I think counselling may be good for you.
I would go alone though.

I would also add that happiness isn't having what another woman wants.

You still only have your dh account of what happened and of course he will take the course which offers damage limitation.
I don't want to upset you but a cheat will lie, lie, lie and lie.

I too think you should be angry at your husband and not her. He may have led her on and lied to her to get her interest. Facebook pictures are misleading, she may not be happy and she may be looking at your FB thinking you look really happy. I think it's him you should have the issue with.

There is also the point that the cheating men here 'get away with it' just the same as the ow appear to have.

So lots of people ( understandably) saying the ow is still with her dh playing happy families but the same is true of the cheating dh.
To the outside world he is playing happy families with his wife.
Perhaps the cheated on husbands do know but maybe chosing to hate the married men who ' led their gullible wife astray' .

Ok sorry my opinion was not welcome. It was not intended to be patronising it was intended to be helpful.

Of course I don't condone her behaviour. I just think that blaming the other woman lets men off the hook.

It's a waste of anger to direct it at someone who does not and never will care. If you did get an apology I doubt it would help. You want to see her feel shame and remorse as she should but you can't make that happen.

My perspective is just based on seeing how living with this anger that can't be resolved eats away at people and ultimately only hurts you. That's why I suggested therapy. It was genuinely intended as a helpful suggestion. You clearly feel the anger is a problem or you wouldn't have posted.