Harbouring so much anger and resentment for OW.

[littlemermaid80]

DH had emotional affair with colleague 5 years ago. We were going through a rough patch, arguing constantly, getting on each other's nerves. Both suffer with depression and weren't communicating.
He grew v close to her (she was new in the office and he was responsible for training her). They talked constantly. Texted every night until early hours. He confided in her about our marriage.
Every time I asked what was going on he dismissed my worries. Said they were just friends.

I overheard a conversation between the two of them one night. He was reassuring her that he wasn't annoyed at her and to quote "you know you drive me crazy."
I blew up at him. Took his phone.
There were sexually explicit texts between the both of them, eg her describing what she wanted to do to him, her saying she's naked in the shower etc.
I took my phone out to call her but DH grabbed it and didn't let me call her. He said "think of her husband!"
I said I wasn't going to be treated like a mug.
He was crying a lot and saying sorry etc, blah blah. Anyway, he moved out for a week"to clear his head."
Moved back in.
Told me that they had kissed 3 times, but it hadn't gone any further than that. He was sobbing for me to believe him.
Swore that nothing else physical had happened and he hadn't cheated.
I (and others) pointed out that he has emotionally cheated, had kissed another woman, and he is at the very least flirted with the idea of an affair.

We got back together. After a lot of soul searching, communication, tears, anger, and upset.
He left his job so he wouldn't have to work with her anymore (one of my conditions).
He deleted his FB account and deleted her number. He has spent the last 5 years apologising.

We have a strong loving relationship now, I have learnt to trust him again (very slowly) and forgive him. He is completely open with his phone, email passwords etc. Lets me look through his messages if i want to.

We have no contact with her.
However, I'm still so ANGRY with her.
I have a mutual friend with her on FB and sometimes see her in pictures, tagged in statuses. She looks the picture of happiness, why does that make me so mad??
I've never received an apology or any acknowledgement from her.
Her husband is presumably none the wiser.
We've heard through the grapevine (mutual friend) that she's cheated on her husband before, before the incident with my DH.

I feel angry and upset with her, and even after all these years I'm resentful and hurt when I see her stuff on FB.
I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life FFS.

Sorry that this is so long.

I think men have a more pragmatic view on their wife's cheating. They may blow up and go to thrash the OM at the time, but all the marriages I know where there has been infidelity (and I appreciate there will be many couples I don't know about) in all cases except one where the wife was unfaithful the husband took her back and the relationship seemed to get back on track. The marriage seems more likely to struggle and the couple to split if the husband is unfaithful. I think the wronged wife suffers more somehow.

Just out of interest.

Who on this thread has been the cheated on person and which side do you come down on? The "Its him that cheated not her" or "Its ok to hate the OW"?

You say she looks happy on social media - she has had two affairs at least. She cannot possibly be happy. She isn't happily married for a start. Hope that's some comfort. obvviously YANBU to be angry at her.

she has had two affairs at least. She cannot possibly be happy. She isn't happily married for a start.

Why wouldnt she be happy? She is getting away with it!

It is a complete fallacy that only people unhappy in their marriages have affairs, if it were true then the cheater wouldnt beg to stay in the marriage as they do 9 times out of 10.

Interesting dimots.
I can't think of any relationship where it was the woman who cheated but I know many where the man cheated. As you said of course there will be plenty of cheating partners bug they keep it to themselves.

I know people who have split but often this is when the man has repeatedly cheated on his oh and it has only become common knowledge because the couple have split.

I do remember 2 neighbours having an affair actually.
The cheating woman's marriage ended straight away.
The cheating mans wife forgave him. He later pissed off with another woman altogether.

I think it's natural for someone to blame the ow/om especially if they stay with their partner.
However after 5 years carrying that much hatred is not good.
Either let it go or reconsider how if the relationship us worth all the stress.

Good relationships shouldn't be thst much hard work.

The only marriages where I tend to know about cheating is where one of the couple actually left to be with the OW/OM. Then it tends to become common knowledge. And usually the husband does take his wife back if she wants to return. Now this may be because he wants to remain in the same house as his children and fears his wife will make shared residency difficult - but in at least 2 of the couples there were no children, or grown up children. A well known celebrity example is Zoe Ball & Norman Cooke. I do think men are better at putting stuff behind them and not over-thinking it.

Or men are desperate to get the domestic staff back, eh, dimots?

Possibly. But not many men are left holding the baby, so their domestic work must be minimal. Anyway again that is pragmatism/cynical outlook winning out for men.

The OP is clearly not over it but as she has chosen to stay with her husband, she's had to forgive him. But the angry feelings have to go somewhere and the OW then becomes the focus. It's completely understandable and I'm pretty sure that it would be the same if genders reversed.

I hated the OW with a passion. She is a fucking nasty piece of work, fucking vile in fact. I don't say that because of her morals but because she screwed up her kids childhood to get one over on my ex. He was stupid enough to get her pregnant. She was that warped in the head she put her own desire for revenge about being dumped over her kids welfare.

15 years later and I still hate her for the person she is but I couldn't give a fuck about her. I rarely think about her.

Karma well and truly bit her on the arse too!

I've got an uncle who I loathe with a passion. He screwed us over inheritance wise and generally behaved awfully at the time of GMs death.
Its been 10 years now and I don't think about him at all - except when he's mentioned and then I still think 'what a fucking cunt.' I think this is psychologically quite normal.
I don't get this 'must be serene' all the time thing or you're not over it. I'm over it and he still is a fucking cunt.
I would definitely advise blocking this woman from FB - that's really key, I think. You don't want constant reminders. It's fine to avoid her.

"I'm over it and he still is a fucking cunt." Quite

DH took the kids and I on a christmas trip last friday organised by his school. It wasn't until we were nearly home that I realised OW was sitting in the seat in front of us. For a long while after dday I'd have been feeling sick with anxiety in those circumstances, now it's simply not an issue. Doesn't mean I like her very much or think she behaved well at the time.

My ex left me for OW. Its been 6 years and I'm well and truly over it.

They are both still massive dicks though.

Thanks so much for your replies. They have helped more than you know.

Mamadoc
Your opinion was not unwelcome, I appreciate all responses. I just disagree that I am blaming her instead of him, or that he has somehow been let off the hook. Not true at all.
I have made it clear to him numerous times that HE was responsible for screwing with our marriage, he chose to hurt me, he chose to go down that road with OW, he chose to kiss her, he chose to let his eyes wander, he chose to devastate my world.
Even after he deleted her number and quit his job, I told him there was a chance I would still tell him to fuck off and kick him out.

My mother wouldn't talk to him for months, she was so angry on my behalf. My sister was the same.
His own family told him they were ashamed of him.

He realises the enormity of what he did.

The reason I haven't told her husband is more to do with the fact that I feel for her innocent children.
Also her husband is a violent bully who wouldn't think twice of putting my DH in hospital over this.

Definitely block her and block anyone who is friends with her too.

Remove as much chance of hearing about her as you possibly can.

OP cos the OW looks a picture of happiness does not mean she has not had consequences. Her relationship with your DH ended and she has had to live with her actions and the hurt she has caused since then. Not all OW are heartless bitches who do not give a fuck.

If you feel you need to release your anger a letter to her and not sent could help. Ultimately you need to let it go for your own sake. If her life was fucking shit right now it would not change yours. You may think 'ha ha good' but your life would then go on as before.

I was an OW and said sorry to his wife on more than 1 occasion. She did not want to know so I would not bank on an apology from your OW making you feel any better.