Dislike DH and my daughter (v. long)

[Sanshoes]

16 years ago I split up with my husband, we had an 8 year old daughter together.

I was a mess, jobless, penniless, friendless, homeless, ex husband kept the house and I go custody of our daughter, with nowhere to live me and dd stayed with my mother and her husband, it took me ages to get sorted out as I had no confidence and no motivation so we were there for over a year with ex seeing DD every other weekend.

Eventually we managed to get a flat, infact we ended up in 3 different flats in as many years, all damp, tiny and horrible and DD ended up moving school 3 times in as many years.

In the end ex was threatning to report me to the social services so in an effort to get myself sorted out I sent DD to live with my sister whilst I looked for a job and a proper house. She was there a few months and although it was another change of school she was at least happy. Once I got sorted she came back to live with me but I hated being single so I signed up to a few dating agencies, I hate to admit it but I was desperate and was more or less willing to "accept anything". I got quite a few replies and rather than waiting etc I rushed into meeting every single time and as people were refusing to look after DD she came along with me when I met them (terrible of me I know), there were a few nice ones but they never wanted a second meeting, another one came down and invited us both to stay with him in Leeds for the weekend, when we got to his house it was a health hazard, the dog was riddled with flea's, the kitchen was piled up with rubbish, dirty pots, dirt etc and the man himself was unclean and scruffy, i immediately realised I'd made a big mistake and asked him to take us home which he did thankfully. Another man came to see us and already had plans for DD to go to bording school which she found out about and broke her heart to her father so that one ended before it even began, another one came down to see us with his own daughter who was around the same age as DD, she was a nightmare, caused lots of trouble that my DD got the blame for and again it ended before it even began. Finally a good one came along and I travelled the country to see him leaving DD at my mothers, one time it was DD's birthday and I chose to stay with him that day telling DD and my mother than I'd missed the bus home, she still doesnt forgive me for that all these years later.

Then another man came along, a very quiet man with a decent job, own home, own car, lots of manners, a love of kids etc and I went for it, I thought he was the one as I couldn't see anything wrong with him at the time.

At the same time as meeting this man DD's father died suddenly, we were all heartbroken, her especially and it really shook us all up, she'd just moved up into secondry school and she was aware of me seeing another man and so this was another blow in a long line. I'm ashamed to say that at this point I also told DD that we would be moving in with this new man, she went ballistic and from that moment she changed and became very difficult.

So, that was my DD1's troubled upbringing, I know I'm a bad mother etc but that's just chapter one, chapter 2 involves new DH and new Daughter.

A year after being with this man we married, DD hated him and he hated her (although he said he didnt I now realise he was just as difficult as she was). When she was 13 I had another daughter to him, still being clouded by desperation for a happy family life I believed everything was perfect, despite DD1's unhappiness.

DH's parents were obsessed with DD2 and suddenly turned against DD1 when she was born, they started to completely ignore her, talk about her to people etc, DH was becomming increasingly difficult with her, just petty things like turning tbe tv over whilst she was watching it and taking the plugs off her stereo etc, as a result she become uncontrollable and started doing drugs and drinking almost every night, I have to admit now that I left her to it, it got her out of our hair and whilst she was out of the picture our 'perfect family setup' was more real for me. I contnued brushing it all under the carpet, DD was the problem...I did love this man,...this was what I wanted...I kept convincing myself.

The whole thing escalated and when DD was 16 she moved out to live with some nutter 100 miles away, again I have to admit, it was a relief to see her go, now the 'perfect family' thing would work out surely...

A few months later she was back, nutter had beaten her and got her addicted to drugs, DH refused to have her back, I told her to go and get a B&B somewhere as I didnt want to row with DH over it, things were strained enough at home as it was, DD2 was becoming a constant sourse of worry with autism fears and her spiralling weight and bad behaviour, DD1 coming back was the last thing we needed.

So off she went, my sister found out and sent my nephew around to pick her up from the b&b and she went to live with them for a while.

Again she seemed happy, sister had got her into college and she was getting on ok. Things at home were getting worse, DH was incredibly miserable, the most miserable person I've ever known, he never talked, never smiled unless it was forced, never laughed, it was like living with a robot. DD2 was becoming more and more like him, couldnt make friends, couldnt speak properly, so different from how DD1 used to be as a child I couldn't understand what was wrong with her.
A few months later, just before christmas things took a turn for the worse at my sisters and DD1 had started lying to her etc and so ended up having to find somewhere else to live. We got her a room in a student house, she was still only 16 so the youngest one in there. She was still going to college but ended up meeting a lad and falling pregnant at 16, she left college, moved in with this lad and his family and eventually they got a council house together, it was a complete shit hole in a horrible area, DD1 was depressed, not taking care of herself etc... I felt awful, I knew I'd done that to her. When she was 17 she gave birth to a baby boy, he was/is lovely and she did well with him. Things at my end were going downhill rapidly, I was not happy, I didn't like DD2 at all and I know that sounds horrible but she was a horrible, whingy kid, never smiled, never laughed, just cried, screamed and whinged constantly, DH never helped, his parents were driving me insane coming around every day...I tried to see DD1 whenever I could but she made it obvious she didn't want me around that much.

At the age of 19 she had another son, another lovely looking lad but her and her boyfriend split up, she moved house and ended up on her own with 2 kids on another council estate...she did her best though and I'm pleased to say she turned things around, she started college again, started gaining big lists of qualifications, her son was doing very well at school, the top reader in his year etc, she is great with money and they save, they kids are immaculate, her house is lovely and she's happy on her own, she tells me now at the age of 25 that she has no intentions of getting a boyfriend, I look at her and I feel proud, she's tall, slim, she has money, 2 great kids, her own car etc...

Me on the other hand am more depressed now than I've ever been, DD2 is now 12 and I still dont like her very much, I love her but I don't like her personality, she's the double of DH and 9 times out of 10 I dont like him either, he's boring, miserable, depressing, its like living with a couple of corpses, I hate it. I feel like leaving them both.

I look at what I did to poor DD1 and I can't help but think I "chose" the wrong one. It seems like I'm being paid back for how I brought her up but I dont know how to put things right.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to run away.

That really is an essay, I'll understand if you dont read it, I should've scaled it down. sorry.

Oh sanshoes, what an epic! I'm sorry things are so bad for you. I can't say i know how you feel as I only have one very young DS, but I will say you sound very self-aware and that you have learned a lot about yourself through these experiences -0 which is more than can be said for many people - and I think there are ways of making things better. Many people - myself included - would love their parent(s) to say to them, in all honesty, "I'm so sorry, I made some bad mistakes and did not treat you as I should have, and I apologise". You can do that for your DD1 - and even though she may not be ready to patch it all up with you just yet, she may eventually. She sounds great. You can still be a good grandma and even still be a good mother to her, it's possible that will work out as time goes on.

As for your current suituation - if you don't feel you can leave now, DD2 will eventually grow up and leave home, and you can get a divorce then.. I'd start planning long-term, look for a course you yourself could go on and think about what you'd like to do with your life as a single person. It's not too late to be happy.

Another thought is, although you don't feel an affinity with DD2, could you make things better with her - perhaps step in earlier than you did with DD1, by paying her attention and finding out what she would like to do with you and spending some time together away from DH?

I agree with snowleapord. Judging by what you write, you are a very insightful woman, and this is what will "save" you in all of this. It takes a very strong person to admit their faults in the way you have. Not many people can do this. You have admitted your faults to yourself, now you have written them on here. What you are going to have to do is admit them to your lovely daughter.
I have recently cut my mother out of my life(see Pagesthreadmy mother has cut me out of my life) because she continues to hurt me so much and it takes all my energy to cope with her and my family were suffering from her effect on me, because Id take it out on them. However , if she were able to take a step back, like you have, and contemplate her part in the mess that is our relationship, I would forgive her in an instant and try to build bridges with her. Children love their parents, and I know your eldest dd loves you. But you have a long way to go to improve your relationship with her, because, as the mother in this, I personally believe that you are going to have to do about 90% of the repairing. Dont expect too much at once, but if you explain how sorry you are, and how youve made a lot of mistakes, and you hope to try to improve the relationship with her. Then just leave her be, and let her come to in her own time.
Your love must be unconditional, in the sense that you cant just want her back because shes good or has made something of herself. If thats why, then she will sense it.
Also, dont for godsake make the same mistake with your second daughter. good luck, and Im sure it`ll all be fine.

That is so sad. So sorry. Your honesty will help. I agree that an apology to DD1 may start the healing process - might take a while but its a good start. And love your little girl (DD2_ I mean) to the utmost of your ability - whatever her faults - unconditional love is a great healer. I am just starting to feel that I've been 'absent' for my kids for a few years - I didn't realise for ages but the time seems to have floated away somehow and my DD told me that other day that 'you used to be a much nicer mummy' . I can mend things with DD and have started already but I think I've damaged DS#1 long-term - he seems so lost and unrooted. But all I can do now is do my best to make it better. And that is all you can do - the past can't be changed, the present can.

Good luck

no sympathy at all here, you ruined your first daughters life, - looks like your 'hatred' for DD2 i affecting her, and youll probably do the same,

thankfully DD1 has managed to pull herself together and has a lovely life, whist you are depressed and unhappy,

i can only hope your 12 year old manages to do the same

poor kids

i know this is blunt, but its your kids were disussing here, theres NO excuse!

It's not too late - you need to start putting your daughers needs first. You need to say sorry to DD1 and mean it then both of you move on - she'll get angry with you from time to time but that's to be expected.

You sound a bit like my mother ? she was widowed with three young daughters and make every wrong decision possible in caring for us because all she wanted was a man. She put us in danger and we were abused. She still lives in denial today, alone and bitter. Only one of us has anything to do with her and that?s very strained. She is the most selfish deluded woman I have ever known and sadly deserves the lonely life she lives today.

But she could always have turned it around. While she had the power to upset us by rejecting us she never realised she still had a chance to have the happy family she wanted (though without the abusive men she seemed to relentlessly attract) if she could only face up to her failures as a mother, apologies and start to be there for us. Bur she never was and eventually we stopped loving her and caring about her opinion of us.

Your daughters are still young and obviously in pain at the way you have treated them. It will be the hardest thing you do but believe me, it will be better than sitting alone at 60 with no one, absolutely no one who cares about you.

It?s your choice. But them first and you might just find some happiness as a good (once lapsed) mother.

Firstly, get therapy, you obviously need help with this one.

You fucked up big time with your first DD. Despite the hell you selfishly put her through, your DD1 found the courage and inner strength to sort herself out.

You might not be so lucky next time. Work on your relationship with DD2 before you do any more damage to her self-esteem. You don't get to "choose" which kid you prefer, what a revolting concept!

Stop looking for someone else to make your life perfect, be it your DD1 or a man. Only you can improve your life, one of the ways you can do this is improving your relationship with your younger child. It is NEVER too late to repair the damage you have done, but don't expect it to be easy. Your DD2 probably resembles her father more because you're so negative about her she doesn't want to be like you. You must take responsibility for your own happiness, please don't saddle your daughters with that, it's a terrible burden to lay on them.

Good luck, from the sounds of it, you're really going to need it.

when I first started reading this thread it instantly reminded me of a long, ongoing couple of threads from a couple of months back, but things weren't quite as advanced in that thread, but the details were almost identacle, to the point of the first dh dying and the ILs turning on the dd1 after the dd2's birth, moving to three different flats - the dd going to live with the sister.

here

and

here

I thought that too Wannabe ....... though the ages of the kids concerned are different in this case. I guess it is feasible however that there are sadly (from everyone's involved perspective) quite a few women who put their desparation for a man - any man - ahead of their children's interests, and that it's inevitable their stories will read similarly.

I think DD1 deserves a medal for the way she's turned things around for herself. She's taken responsibility for her own happiness, rather than looking for someone else to do it for her.

I agree totally with Dizietsma's post. Please get therapy for yourself asap and start trying to build a relationship with DD2.

you sound very self absorbed. your life, your happiness, your future.

did it never occur to you that you sacrife all these things when you have children. they come first - and - on the offchance along the way you might get a life of your own.

that said what are your next steps?

husnands men and parnters come and go - children are yours forever. until either you or they die.

so, make your daughter happy. bake somethng, make something, have time for you and her. make an effort god dammit.

It doesn't sound like a good track record, and you obviously know that, so you don't need us rubbing your nose in it.

If you really, really want to salvage your relationships with your daughters, you will have to be prepared for a long, hard, selfless and often thankless journey to gain their trust and their respect - and to get to know them again.

Your elder dd has her autonomy now and will take convincing that it is a good idea to allow you to be a part of the life that she has built for herself. You need to take your time, be honest and thick-skinned and show her that you realise that she is an adult now and has the right to set the pace of change. IMO if you give it enough time, dedication and patience she will let you back in, because you are her mum and the instinct towards reconciliation is very strong between mother and daughter (although it can be destroyed, with enough damage).

Your younger daughter sounds unhappy and depressed. Perhaps she is aware that you have lost your love and respect for her father, and that you consider her to be like him, and has decided that this means she cannot be loved by you? Children are prone to black-and-white thinking on this sort of issue IME. I would start taking more time to be with her on her own, even if it grates on you at first - she may resemble her father, but she isn't him - and I believe that if you put enough hard work, time and patience into forging a relationship with her she will surprise you and you will find things to love about her.

FWIW if you were my mother, and you were really obviously making an effort and trying to build a loving trusting relationship, I would forgive you in a heartbeat. I have broken contact with my mother because I cannot cope with her behaviour now, not because of anything that happened in the past.

sorry, have very little sympathy for any mother who can treat her children (esp dd1) like this.. you really are a selfish piece of work. Full credit goes to your dd1 on turning her life around, she could of easily have lost her life to drink an drugs as the one person she needed most - her mother in case your wondering - wasnt there for her.

Agree with other poster who said you dont get to choose which child you prefer, you clearly have very little maternal instinct. If this were me, i would do some serious grovelling to dd1 (though dont blaime her if she wants nothing to do with you,) and I would make sure i dont make the same mistakes iwth dd2, i had to reread this thread because from the way you were talking, thought dd2 was your step daughter not your real flesh and blood. If this were me, i dont think i could forgive myself, poor kids

sanshoes you need therapy quickly before you lose everything.
and your daughters should get it too. esp dd2.

go to your doctor and get a referall for a therpaist somewhere anywhere and get your head sorted.

your daughter was abandoned by you when she was growing up, while you were chasing around the country looking for love..she had heaps for you and you never even noticed. ifyou really want to make amends it's going to take a complete change of attitude from you. if you don't think you have the will to do it, then maybe your dh and dd2 would be better off on their own

I think that you have been through some really hard times, but is about time you grew up and started putting your kids first. Do what is best for your daughter, which seems to be getting out of your awful marriage and sorting yourself out to become the mother you should be!!!

No wonder your DD2 is so miserable, I am sorry if I sound harsh, but you really need to pull your socks up and become the adult here, not a selfish little girl. Have you ever though that your daughter is turning out like you, not your DH?

The more I read your OP the more angry it makes me. Your 2nd daughter is only 12 - if she is miserable, look to yourself and the life you and her dad have given her.

"Have you ever though that your daughter is turning out like you, not your DH?"

Bloody good point Rocklover.

What's done is done now. Time to look forward. DD1 still needs you, but in a different and probably less time consuming way to DD2. Definitely see your GP - if not about yourself then about DD2, and while you're waiting for an appointment write down all the things you love/loved and like/liked about DD2. Try to concentrate on what she has got going for her and not the negatives. Add to your list whenever you think of something and use it as a prompt to compliment her. Deal with DH later - you and he are the adults here, DD2 comes first.
My relationship with my mother has been irreversibly damaged (although patched up as best as possible) by her putting men above me and my sister. Salvage what you can while you can, change your attitude and enjoy DD2.

Bloody hell, why were you so desperate for a man, 'any' man that you would do this to your daughter.
Now your dd2 is suffering, please go and get family therapy or something so you can minimize the damage to dd2.

You have done some horrible things but you sound like you're looking for help.

Take the advice of whoever said go to therapy - FAMILY therapy and take your 12 yr old, work on your relationship with her. Make the rest of your life about building some happiness for her - and maybe, if you're lucky, from that you will find a modicum of happiness all your own

this ones a wind up me thinks to much detail....nobody would fess up to disliking their kids so much and treating them so bad! nope......not having it.

I don't think it's a wind-up