Dislike DH and my daughter (v. long)

[Sanshoes]

16 years ago I split up with my husband, we had an 8 year old daughter together.

I was a mess, jobless, penniless, friendless, homeless, ex husband kept the house and I go custody of our daughter, with nowhere to live me and dd stayed with my mother and her husband, it took me ages to get sorted out as I had no confidence and no motivation so we were there for over a year with ex seeing DD every other weekend.

Eventually we managed to get a flat, infact we ended up in 3 different flats in as many years, all damp, tiny and horrible and DD ended up moving school 3 times in as many years.

In the end ex was threatning to report me to the social services so in an effort to get myself sorted out I sent DD to live with my sister whilst I looked for a job and a proper house. She was there a few months and although it was another change of school she was at least happy. Once I got sorted she came back to live with me but I hated being single so I signed up to a few dating agencies, I hate to admit it but I was desperate and was more or less willing to "accept anything". I got quite a few replies and rather than waiting etc I rushed into meeting every single time and as people were refusing to look after DD she came along with me when I met them (terrible of me I know), there were a few nice ones but they never wanted a second meeting, another one came down and invited us both to stay with him in Leeds for the weekend, when we got to his house it was a health hazard, the dog was riddled with flea's, the kitchen was piled up with rubbish, dirty pots, dirt etc and the man himself was unclean and scruffy, i immediately realised I'd made a big mistake and asked him to take us home which he did thankfully. Another man came to see us and already had plans for DD to go to bording school which she found out about and broke her heart to her father so that one ended before it even began, another one came down to see us with his own daughter who was around the same age as DD, she was a nightmare, caused lots of trouble that my DD got the blame for and again it ended before it even began. Finally a good one came along and I travelled the country to see him leaving DD at my mothers, one time it was DD's birthday and I chose to stay with him that day telling DD and my mother than I'd missed the bus home, she still doesnt forgive me for that all these years later.

Then another man came along, a very quiet man with a decent job, own home, own car, lots of manners, a love of kids etc and I went for it, I thought he was the one as I couldn't see anything wrong with him at the time.

At the same time as meeting this man DD's father died suddenly, we were all heartbroken, her especially and it really shook us all up, she'd just moved up into secondry school and she was aware of me seeing another man and so this was another blow in a long line. I'm ashamed to say that at this point I also told DD that we would be moving in with this new man, she went ballistic and from that moment she changed and became very difficult.

So, that was my DD1's troubled upbringing, I know I'm a bad mother etc but that's just chapter one, chapter 2 involves new DH and new Daughter.

A year after being with this man we married, DD hated him and he hated her (although he said he didnt I now realise he was just as difficult as she was). When she was 13 I had another daughter to him, still being clouded by desperation for a happy family life I believed everything was perfect, despite DD1's unhappiness.

DH's parents were obsessed with DD2 and suddenly turned against DD1 when she was born, they started to completely ignore her, talk about her to people etc, DH was becomming increasingly difficult with her, just petty things like turning tbe tv over whilst she was watching it and taking the plugs off her stereo etc, as a result she become uncontrollable and started doing drugs and drinking almost every night, I have to admit now that I left her to it, it got her out of our hair and whilst she was out of the picture our 'perfect family setup' was more real for me. I contnued brushing it all under the carpet, DD was the problem...I did love this man,...this was what I wanted...I kept convincing myself.

The whole thing escalated and when DD was 16 she moved out to live with some nutter 100 miles away, again I have to admit, it was a relief to see her go, now the 'perfect family' thing would work out surely...

A few months later she was back, nutter had beaten her and got her addicted to drugs, DH refused to have her back, I told her to go and get a B&B somewhere as I didnt want to row with DH over it, things were strained enough at home as it was, DD2 was becoming a constant sourse of worry with autism fears and her spiralling weight and bad behaviour, DD1 coming back was the last thing we needed.

So off she went, my sister found out and sent my nephew around to pick her up from the b&b and she went to live with them for a while.

Again she seemed happy, sister had got her into college and she was getting on ok. Things at home were getting worse, DH was incredibly miserable, the most miserable person I've ever known, he never talked, never smiled unless it was forced, never laughed, it was like living with a robot. DD2 was becoming more and more like him, couldnt make friends, couldnt speak properly, so different from how DD1 used to be as a child I couldn't understand what was wrong with her.
A few months later, just before christmas things took a turn for the worse at my sisters and DD1 had started lying to her etc and so ended up having to find somewhere else to live. We got her a room in a student house, she was still only 16 so the youngest one in there. She was still going to college but ended up meeting a lad and falling pregnant at 16, she left college, moved in with this lad and his family and eventually they got a council house together, it was a complete shit hole in a horrible area, DD1 was depressed, not taking care of herself etc... I felt awful, I knew I'd done that to her. When she was 17 she gave birth to a baby boy, he was/is lovely and she did well with him. Things at my end were going downhill rapidly, I was not happy, I didn't like DD2 at all and I know that sounds horrible but she was a horrible, whingy kid, never smiled, never laughed, just cried, screamed and whinged constantly, DH never helped, his parents were driving me insane coming around every day...I tried to see DD1 whenever I could but she made it obvious she didn't want me around that much.

At the age of 19 she had another son, another lovely looking lad but her and her boyfriend split up, she moved house and ended up on her own with 2 kids on another council estate...she did her best though and I'm pleased to say she turned things around, she started college again, started gaining big lists of qualifications, her son was doing very well at school, the top reader in his year etc, she is great with money and they save, they kids are immaculate, her house is lovely and she's happy on her own, she tells me now at the age of 25 that she has no intentions of getting a boyfriend, I look at her and I feel proud, she's tall, slim, she has money, 2 great kids, her own car etc...

Me on the other hand am more depressed now than I've ever been, DD2 is now 12 and I still dont like her very much, I love her but I don't like her personality, she's the double of DH and 9 times out of 10 I dont like him either, he's boring, miserable, depressing, its like living with a couple of corpses, I hate it. I feel like leaving them both.

I look at what I did to poor DD1 and I can't help but think I "chose" the wrong one. It seems like I'm being paid back for how I brought her up but I dont know how to put things right.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to run away.

"Lord, it's not as if the OP abused her children."

I beg to disagree Quootie. I think what she's described is mental abuse. The bit about telling her 16 year old daughter (who had been beaten and encouraged onto drugs by a nutter boyfriend) to go and get a B & B somewhere as she didn't want to row with DH chills me.

So whose fault - arguably - was it that such a young girl ended up with a nutter ?

Her DH picking on DD1, turning the TV off and taking plugs off her things was bullying, goading behaviour and her mother did nothing to stop this.

I've got a 16 year old now. I wouldn't turn him away ..... not even knowing where he'd end up.

I know things like this do happen, but I hope in this instance it is a troll.

Yes, abuse is not merely physical - nor is it always "active"

NCH defines "neglect" as one form, and quite rightly

(as an aside - I wish people would learn to spell DEFINITELY properly on this site!!!)

still convinced it's a wind-up, as per the links I posted further down this topic. too similar to the previous posts except this person seemed to have moved on somewhat.

Agree with wannabe - I also immediately remembered those threads from a few months back. It is exactly the same story only 10 years later.

I think it probably is based on a true story at least loosely but no way it is a genuine post. Waaay too eloquent!

I hate to be negative towards someone that's clearly wnating some help and guidance but your attitude disgusts me. Your telling this story and then saying how miserable you are at the end of it. What do you expect, sympathy? I'm not gonna give you any, i think if anyone deserves to be miserable it's you for what you have done to your poor daughters. YOU are their mother, YOU. And YOU chose YOUR path and walked down it dragging your children behind you when they shoud have been put infront of you every step of the way.
You don't get to choose your children, they don't come with an order form with tick boxes down the side. What an awful thing to think - let alone admit! I think your dd2 shoud keep herself and her INNOCENT CHILDREN away from you before you cause more damage. Sorry but i'm appaled by the idea of any mother favouring a child over another, let alone 'choosing the wrong one'.
I think you desevre every pay back that comes your way, that way you might learn to have some respect and kindness for someone else other than yourself. Cause lets face it, this thread isn't about your children at all, this is all about you feeling sorry for yourself. You made these awful, crappy decisions - you deal with the repurcussions (sp) they have.
Am absolutley gobsmacked at your attitude

ProfessorGrammaticus: How would the parent describe it? I was mentally abused myself and I would interested in how it looks from their side of the fence.

Agree totally with LWatkins. You briefly acknowledge what you did is terrible. Then its all about you again. So self absorbed, your daughter will KNOW you want her back because she's the brightest star at the moment. My mum did the same to me, I was not fooled for a second.

The only recommendation I can make is get yourself into therpy. To help you understand yourself better, bet your childhood wasn't all sweetness and light. And realising what you have done to your children is going to be hard. But if you can truly understand what you have done and genuinely apologise and acknowledge to them the hurt you have caused it will be the best thing you have EVER done for them. Please go to therpy and try to make things right. For yourself equally as much as for your children.

hmmm, well if this person is a troll, she almost needs as much help as if she wasnt a troll. You dont mess around with the feelings of people who have had painful experiences, even on a message board. Most people here have given advice based on their personal (painful) experiences.
I wasnt sure if it was a troll or not. A little <span class="italic">too</span> insightful, perhaps. It does take a rare person to be so insightful and to recognise that they are abusive. It is a very detailed post, but I donT know if that means its not true. But for me the most obvious pointer that makes me think she is a troll, is that so far she hasn`t replied. Just posted some crap and ran off to witness people pour their hearts out.

if this is some kind of sick, false thread,then shame on you Sanshoes for evoking emotions and feelings in others on this site!
Have as I read this thread noticed something great!! Hooray Patterns often repeat themselves. I am painfully aware that I'm not just bringing up my DD but my future grandchildren. How I love care and support my child, my well affect the way she raises hers!
But Sanshoes DD1 has turned round and is raising her boys extremely well by all accounts! She sounds an insperation to us all! Also DD1 will know what her step sister is suffering at the hands of their mother! She sounds as though she has wise head on young shoulders, and will fare well despite the awful abuse. Yes Sanshoes abuse!! She suffered whilst in your care!
You have been cruel and unkind to both your children and appear to be suffering jelousy at DD1's success why you feel proud I'm unsure as you haven't attributted to any of it!
You sound as though you are still abusing DD2 by neglect, and she must clearly be aware of you feelings for her!
So just because your own life is crap and you have caused immense pain to your children there is no reason for it to continue, choose both as you always should have and stop looking at DD1 with "She has everything I have nothing!" attitude
Your leaching off her for some of her success not admiring her and wanting to change the error of your ways!!!!

I have read most, but not all of this thread and I have to say some of posts are very harsh. Sanshoes seems painfully aware of her mistakes. She has come on this website and entrusted Mumsnetters with her story and asked for support.

Everyone is entitled to post their opinions here, but what does kicking someone where their down actually achieve? Rubbing someones nose in their own story, very brutally in some posts, which they have had the courage to write and ask for help?

Admitting your faults and wanting to resolve major issues in your life is a brave thing, no matter what you have done. I am relieved that there are some insightful, supportive voices on this thread.

It's worth remembering that knowone knows the kind of hurt they can infict on a stranger over the web.

Sanshoes, take the positive advice on this thread and turn things around for yourself and your family. Allot can be achieved with forgiveness, understanding and a determination to resolve things and move on.

tigertum.

there is accumulating evidence this is the work of a troll.

assuming that this is a genuine post.... (a big assumption granted)....i don't know what you want.

you are insightful, but seem to have a massive blind spot when it comes to the child that is in your charge at the moment (just like you did when your first daughter was in your care).

children are a reflection of the care they have been given (note that i don't say of their parents). you have not given either of your daughters care.

but you have a chance to make that up.

I agree that it is never too late.

I suggest the following:

write a letter to dd1 outlining all of the insight and honesty about your fuckups that you tell us about on here. she is the one that needs to know all of this, including and most importantly how proud you are of her and how you give her full credit for this and take none.

look at your attitude to your dd2. she is still a child. you can turn this around and you owe it to both your daughters (you need to have learnt the lessons from your first child and seem not to have) to do so. buy 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' for a start.

get some therapy. there is low cost therapy available in most areas. MIND is a good place to start.

I admire your honesty and your realisation that you have NOT been a good enough parent. I don't admire the fact that you seem not to realise that you are repeating the neglect and abuse of your first daughter with your second.

own it.

If this is genuine, the only thing I would suggest is to concentrate in your mistakes with DD1 to avoid repeating them on DD2.

You have a serious job to do if you want DD1 back, although tbh I wouldn't keep my hope high...

it is never to late to apologise and make it better, is harder than doing nothing and staying the same, but so much more worthwhile, hope you do try to help your 12 year old