16 years ago I split up with my husband, we had an 8 year old daughter together.
I was a mess, jobless, penniless, friendless, homeless, ex husband kept the house and I go custody of our daughter, with nowhere to live me and dd stayed with my mother and her husband, it took me ages to get sorted out as I had no confidence and no motivation so we were there for over a year with ex seeing DD every other weekend.
Eventually we managed to get a flat, infact we ended up in 3 different flats in as many years, all damp, tiny and horrible and DD ended up moving school 3 times in as many years.
In the end ex was threatning to report me to the social services so in an effort to get myself sorted out I sent DD to live with my sister whilst I looked for a job and a proper house. She was there a few months and although it was another change of school she was at least happy. Once I got sorted she came back to live with me but I hated being single so I signed up to a few dating agencies, I hate to admit it but I was desperate and was more or less willing to "accept anything". I got quite a few replies and rather than waiting etc I rushed into meeting every single time and as people were refusing to look after DD she came along with me when I met them (terrible of me I know), there were a few nice ones but they never wanted a second meeting, another one came down and invited us both to stay with him in Leeds for the weekend, when we got to his house it was a health hazard, the dog was riddled with flea's, the kitchen was piled up with rubbish, dirty pots, dirt etc and the man himself was unclean and scruffy, i immediately realised I'd made a big mistake and asked him to take us home which he did thankfully. Another man came to see us and already had plans for DD to go to bording school which she found out about and broke her heart to her father so that one ended before it even began, another one came down to see us with his own daughter who was around the same age as DD, she was a nightmare, caused lots of trouble that my DD got the blame for and again it ended before it even began. Finally a good one came along and I travelled the country to see him leaving DD at my mothers, one time it was DD's birthday and I chose to stay with him that day telling DD and my mother than I'd missed the bus home, she still doesnt forgive me for that all these years later.
Then another man came along, a very quiet man with a decent job, own home, own car, lots of manners, a love of kids etc and I went for it, I thought he was the one as I couldn't see anything wrong with him at the time.
At the same time as meeting this man DD's father died suddenly, we were all heartbroken, her especially and it really shook us all up, she'd just moved up into secondry school and she was aware of me seeing another man and so this was another blow in a long line. I'm ashamed to say that at this point I also told DD that we would be moving in with this new man, she went ballistic and from that moment she changed and became very difficult.
So, that was my DD1's troubled upbringing, I know I'm a bad mother etc but that's just chapter one, chapter 2 involves new DH and new Daughter.
A year after being with this man we married, DD hated him and he hated her (although he said he didnt I now realise he was just as difficult as she was). When she was 13 I had another daughter to him, still being clouded by desperation for a happy family life I believed everything was perfect, despite DD1's unhappiness.
DH's parents were obsessed with DD2 and suddenly turned against DD1 when she was born, they started to completely ignore her, talk about her to people etc, DH was becomming increasingly difficult with her, just petty things like turning tbe tv over whilst she was watching it and taking the plugs off her stereo etc, as a result she become uncontrollable and started doing drugs and drinking almost every night, I have to admit now that I left her to it, it got her out of our hair and whilst she was out of the picture our 'perfect family setup' was more real for me. I contnued brushing it all under the carpet, DD was the problem...I did love this man,...this was what I wanted...I kept convincing myself.
The whole thing escalated and when DD was 16 she moved out to live with some nutter 100 miles away, again I have to admit, it was a relief to see her go, now the 'perfect family' thing would work out surely...
A few months later she was back, nutter had beaten her and got her addicted to drugs, DH refused to have her back, I told her to go and get a B&B somewhere as I didnt want to row with DH over it, things were strained enough at home as it was, DD2 was becoming a constant sourse of worry with autism fears and her spiralling weight and bad behaviour, DD1 coming back was the last thing we needed.
So off she went, my sister found out and sent my nephew around to pick her up from the b&b and she went to live with them for a while.
Again she seemed happy, sister had got her into college and she was getting on ok. Things at home were getting worse, DH was incredibly miserable, the most miserable person I've ever known, he never talked, never smiled unless it was forced, never laughed, it was like living with a robot. DD2 was becoming more and more like him, couldnt make friends, couldnt speak properly, so different from how DD1 used to be as a child I couldn't understand what was wrong with her.
A few months later, just before christmas things took a turn for the worse at my sisters and DD1 had started lying to her etc and so ended up having to find somewhere else to live. We got her a room in a student house, she was still only 16 so the youngest one in there. She was still going to college but ended up meeting a lad and falling pregnant at 16, she left college, moved in with this lad and his family and eventually they got a council house together, it was a complete shit hole in a horrible area, DD1 was depressed, not taking care of herself etc... I felt awful, I knew I'd done that to her. When she was 17 she gave birth to a baby boy, he was/is lovely and she did well with him. Things at my end were going downhill rapidly, I was not happy, I didn't like DD2 at all and I know that sounds horrible but she was a horrible, whingy kid, never smiled, never laughed, just cried, screamed and whinged constantly, DH never helped, his parents were driving me insane coming around every day...I tried to see DD1 whenever I could but she made it obvious she didn't want me around that much.
At the age of 19 she had another son, another lovely looking lad but her and her boyfriend split up, she moved house and ended up on her own with 2 kids on another council estate...she did her best though and I'm pleased to say she turned things around, she started college again, started gaining big lists of qualifications, her son was doing very well at school, the top reader in his year etc, she is great with money and they save, they kids are immaculate, her house is lovely and she's happy on her own, she tells me now at the age of 25 that she has no intentions of getting a boyfriend, I look at her and I feel proud, she's tall, slim, she has money, 2 great kids, her own car etc...
Me on the other hand am more depressed now than I've ever been, DD2 is now 12 and I still dont like her very much, I love her but I don't like her personality, she's the double of DH and 9 times out of 10 I dont like him either, he's boring, miserable, depressing, its like living with a couple of corpses, I hate it. I feel like leaving them both.
I look at what I did to poor DD1 and I can't help but think I "chose" the wrong one. It seems like I'm being paid back for how I brought her up but I dont know how to put things right.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, I just dont know what to do anymore. I want to run away.