I think i need some guidence or some perspective

[Shakerlackerboomboom]

This might be long! sorry!

I am 28, single mum of a child aged 3. Pregnancy was unexpected, partner left for someone else.
I grew up up north and my mum is there, I currently live sw near my father and stepmother. I moved back here when I found out I was pregnant.
I am a student nurse, first year.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and am 40mg citalopram and 30mg of mirtazapine. These are constantly being upped
I am around 5 stone overweight, my meds don't help with loosing it. My dad says im fat and disgusting
My father has liver cancer, but is still drinking 1 pint a day despite saying he doesn't have a problem, my stepmum also drinks. I thought they were shutting me out by shielding me, now I realise they shut me out as they don't want to hear me in their words 'preach about drinking'

I am lonely, I have maybe 1-2 friends, I have no help with Dd, she is in full time childcare 7am-7pm and I pick her up early when I can. My childcare bill is around £950 a month.
I work, I have a dog, I have the house.
I am very close to my mum up north.
I was very very close to dad and stepmum
I can never get a date etc
I come home and sit myself night after night.
DD never sees her father.

That's the background:

Currently I feel lonely, isolated and like a little girl. Theres so much going on around me and I don't know what to do. Dad shuts me out and regularly calls me selfish.
I have no social life, I have nothing.
I feel stuck. Ive been single 4 years.
I just do not know what to do with life.
I feel like shutting up shop.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can ride this out.
Four years, my life fell apart and I feel so trapped.
I can never do right for doing wrong.

Sorry I just needed to get this out.
I feel utterly wretched, useless and just pretty crap tbf.

Do you get along better with your mum? You say you're very very close to your dad but also 'shut out' and they sound quite nasty to you? If your mum is better for you (and perhaps might help with childcare?) and if you have a bigger social circle back home, is there any possibility of moving back and switching to a nursing course up north?

In any event, I would reduce contact with your dad unless on your own terms and leave/end conversations if they ever become abusive/insulting again.

Sorry things are so difficult for you right now. It won't always be like this.

Shaker that sounds miserable and you have a lot on your plate.

Why are you posting...what do you need?
Lots of good advice here

I don't quite know why I'm posting if I'm honest, I don't quite know what I'm doing.
My head just seems to be spinning.

I've very very close to mum too, but I don't like it up north but it is sounding more appealing.
However, it's abandoning dad really.
I just feel like a child

It's not abandoning him, he's got his wife.

It's not acceptable for him to talk to you the way he does, no-one should speak to anyone like that.

I just feel like life is just far too much at the minute

Ok.
You are carrying a lot. You have work/study in a demanding career, your DC, dog, home your life.
But it sounds like you are carrying a lot of stuff that is not your problem.

E.g. your dad.... he is the one choosing to drink, and choosing to be nasty to his own DD.

Why did you move to the south? Because you didn't like the north, or to be with your dad? Sounds to me that he's lucky to have you but you don't have to feel obligated or responsible towards him. Your dd is young enough to move her with relative ease; staying where you are doesn't seem to be helping you, does it?

I'm not surprised. But you're doing really well - student nurse, single mum, doing for yourself, long hours, raising your child. Sometimes it's really hard and no wonder you feel about to crumble.

So it's important to take good care of yourself and not expose yourself to people who tear you down.

Maybe a break would help. Would your mum pamper you for a week in the holidays? Or can you just take some time to do whatever you and dd want and sod anyone else?

Shaker - If you were to answer immediately, without thinking it through that much (or at all!) I'd be interested in your answer to this question:

What do you most want right now?

What do I want most in life: to be loved.

I'm going up to see mum near Christmas

I moved here in my teens as my parents decided it was a better life for me down here.
I don't know what made me come here when pregnant- I think it was I thought friends were here but I didn't realise everyone left after uni etc
I have a best friend in Suffolk but she's going to oz and a very close friend next door to me.

My dad tells me to suck it up, stop looking for sympathy I made this life etc.
Didn't know I was pg for nearly six months

I would be keeping away from your father - he sounds really nasty. I'm sorry he's ill, but he is absolutely in the wrong to talk to you like that.

I think it's so fustrating for me as I see it as such a waste of our NHS, although I don't say that

Okay. This is possibly not the answer you're looking for but:

Love yourself.

If there's no-one there who loves you, start doing that. But make it an action - work it practically.

Remove yourself from situations that are abusive and cause you pain - no matter how much you justify to yourself that this is what 'love' might look like.

Because loving yourself is not allowing anyone to hurt you wilfully.

Imagine yourself as five years old, and you - the adult you - are now in charge of her. What would you do to protect her? What would you do to make her feel safe, and loved? What would you no longer tolerate on her behalf? What would putting your own best interests first look like if she was in your care?

This is not selfish. This is sane. And it is being loved.

The rest will surely follow.

Thank you

Great post, gatewalker.

Thank you, Imperial.

Been there, doing that. Life changes.

I'll try but right now I'm
Wondering where I go from here

I think it would do you a lot of good to speak to a counsellor. Why don't you arrange that through your doctor?

Also, you sound so low. Maybe your doctor could review your medication?

What is the first, practical step you can take to demonstrate that you are loved by yourself, Shaker?

There is always, always a step you can take. It might feel scary, it might feel like somehow you're breaking an unspoken/unwritten rule.

Do it. Now. Do it wholeheartedly. Don't look back.

Oh - yes, and I absolutely second Imperial's suggestion of therapy. If you can spend £950 on your daughter, you can spend something on yourself. Negotiate to see if a therapist will work on a sliding scale. Many do. I wouldn't suggest going through the NHS - I simply don't trust their referral or treatment choices and practices.

Try the BACP or UKCP, or the SAP (Society for Analytical Psychologists).

No one here can tell you what to do

But we can hold your hand while you think things through and work out what's best for you and you LO

There are lots of lone parents here on MN , people are generally really supportive .

I will give it a good go,
I don't think I can bear seeing a counsellor and going over my life again.
I wonder about seeing my physic X

I've just had a review imperial- doubled my citalopram but took away my mirtazipine so I can loose some weight

Thing is this, Shaker - The things you're feeling and going through now are the things you've been resisting looking at. And for the most part, the worst has already happened. We're simply conditioned not to look because there's a part of us that is adamant, and says, "Whoa! Not going there again!" But the truth is that we don't actually go there again - not really. Yes, feelings will come up, realisations, and pain. But it is all coming up to clear. It's hard, but no harder than what you're dealing with now. In fact, it's better, because you're taking the steps you need to heal.

I'm a tarot reader by trade, and if you came to me, I'd send you to a therapist. You don't need 'hope'. You need action and to start taking things in hand. And you have every single tool you need to do that. Right here, right now.

It just takes one. Big. Courageous. Step.