I think i need some guidence or some perspective

[Shakerlackerboomboom]

This might be long! sorry!

I am 28, single mum of a child aged 3. Pregnancy was unexpected, partner left for someone else.
I grew up up north and my mum is there, I currently live sw near my father and stepmother. I moved back here when I found out I was pregnant.
I am a student nurse, first year.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and am 40mg citalopram and 30mg of mirtazapine. These are constantly being upped
I am around 5 stone overweight, my meds don't help with loosing it. My dad says im fat and disgusting
My father has liver cancer, but is still drinking 1 pint a day despite saying he doesn't have a problem, my stepmum also drinks. I thought they were shutting me out by shielding me, now I realise they shut me out as they don't want to hear me in their words 'preach about drinking'

I am lonely, I have maybe 1-2 friends, I have no help with Dd, she is in full time childcare 7am-7pm and I pick her up early when I can. My childcare bill is around £950 a month.
I work, I have a dog, I have the house.
I am very close to my mum up north.
I was very very close to dad and stepmum
I can never get a date etc
I come home and sit myself night after night.
DD never sees her father.

That's the background:

Currently I feel lonely, isolated and like a little girl. Theres so much going on around me and I don't know what to do. Dad shuts me out and regularly calls me selfish.
I have no social life, I have nothing.
I feel stuck. Ive been single 4 years.
I just do not know what to do with life.
I feel like shutting up shop.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can ride this out.
Four years, my life fell apart and I feel so trapped.
I can never do right for doing wrong.

Sorry I just needed to get this out.
I feel utterly wretched, useless and just pretty crap tbf.

The thing is I've worked so hard to get on my nursing and it gives me so much financial help and I do bank shifts occasionally

It sounds like it's almost all to overwhelming. Something that a friend and I are doing is picking 3 things a month to focus on - could be exercise, paying off a debt or researching/planning for something (like could you swap your course up north, how do childcare costs compare). Doesn't have to be big - and were thousands of miles apart so we do it by email every 1st of the month. Sometimes we don't do what we said and that carries over, or we did it and we loved it or it prompted us to do it again so that carries over too.
Would this work for you - and maybe friend moving to Oz - who will also have big changes going on. Pick 3 small things change them or plan on how it could change in the future. But keep at it, every month.

Good plan, yes it does get rather overwhelming

Re finding childcare: have you tried asking at your college and at the nursery?

My university don't offer and neither does nursery- we are told to not ask.
My neighbour however is great our children are the same age.

My mum really wants us to move, she would be so hands on I'd have to contract her hours and lock her out I think!
Nothing is ever too much for the woman!
She's amazing.

You love your uni course so I would try and stay put especially given the imminent withdrawal of nhs bursaries.

If you want to move back home then make sure you have a confirmed place at uni first as it would be a real shame for you to not pursue this ambition.

I don't understand the 'we are told not to ask' bit.
When mine were little, the staff at my nursery often did occasional baby sitting for parents' DC. Staff like the extra money and DC got to be looked after by people who knew them and were superbly experienced and/or qualified. Might be worth an unofficial talk with a staff member you click with.

Avoid your Dad and SM; they sound broken and unkind. Not your problem to fix and you don't have to put up with treated badly.

Nurseries always say that, but many staff are often glad to earn extra money on the Quiet!

Unless you can be rock solid on transferring elsewhere for no loss of credit/NHS bursary/extra fees / you might need to stick where you are until it's completed - how long to go?

I think I'm best staying where I am and struggling through it. I'm almost at the end of my first year

You actually sound incredibly mature, wise and wonderful. Start celebrating your successes. You are a single parent to a happy LO, you have developed a close friendship with someone and your are studying full time on an demanding professional degree programme. You have a loving supportive Mum too. I'm sure that once the uni course eases off you can then turn to making other changes like eating healthily too should you want to. Suggest you step back massively from your Father and SM as they seem to want to look for faults in you.

Thank you, I do try my best but for my dad it's never good enough

With your dad:

See him less ofteb
Don't text
Don't volunteer information or share problems
When you meet be cheerful, positive but a little bit vague about your plans/ideas/hopes.

Your right!

Well I can't go up north at Christmas at my father doesn't want to look after the dog for a few days.

This is the dad that knocks on the door on my days off and asks if I would mind if he walks our dog.

You just can't win can't you!

That's passive aggressive behaviour on his part. Could you take the dog with you? Or leave her in some kennels?

Is there noone else who can look after the dog? Best if you don't rely on your dad for anything...

Sadly not, plus he normally loves having the dog

That's a real shame. Could your mum come to visit you instead?

Add dog care to the list of things to be sorted out so you're not dependent on the whims of your Dad!

Exactly

Mums coming to visit now and sending me out NYE X

Oh that's good!

Now I'm stuck at home with mild pneumonia. Been on a nebuliser this morning at the doctors and injectible antibiotics, got steroids, antibiotics and inhalers

And I get no sympathy

Because

They have a cold

Thank you all,

Now dd is asking to see her father again.

She hasn't seen him since July, he doesn't seem bothered, only skypes occasionally or when there's a family party asks to see dd.

His mum is a nasty piece of work and told me last time the gp saw her that I planned dd, should be lucky they brought dd back and that I'll probably go to prison for not allowing contact. (Not true re contact)

I'm angry at this ^ but I'm knackared. DD is asking for him and I feel like the bad guy again!

I just don't know what to do

Anyone