I think i need some guidence or some perspective

[Shakerlackerboomboom]

This might be long! sorry!

I am 28, single mum of a child aged 3. Pregnancy was unexpected, partner left for someone else.
I grew up up north and my mum is there, I currently live sw near my father and stepmother. I moved back here when I found out I was pregnant.
I am a student nurse, first year.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and am 40mg citalopram and 30mg of mirtazapine. These are constantly being upped
I am around 5 stone overweight, my meds don't help with loosing it. My dad says im fat and disgusting
My father has liver cancer, but is still drinking 1 pint a day despite saying he doesn't have a problem, my stepmum also drinks. I thought they were shutting me out by shielding me, now I realise they shut me out as they don't want to hear me in their words 'preach about drinking'

I am lonely, I have maybe 1-2 friends, I have no help with Dd, she is in full time childcare 7am-7pm and I pick her up early when I can. My childcare bill is around £950 a month.
I work, I have a dog, I have the house.
I am very close to my mum up north.
I was very very close to dad and stepmum
I can never get a date etc
I come home and sit myself night after night.
DD never sees her father.

That's the background:

Currently I feel lonely, isolated and like a little girl. Theres so much going on around me and I don't know what to do. Dad shuts me out and regularly calls me selfish.
I have no social life, I have nothing.
I feel stuck. Ive been single 4 years.
I just do not know what to do with life.
I feel like shutting up shop.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can ride this out.
Four years, my life fell apart and I feel so trapped.
I can never do right for doing wrong.

Sorry I just needed to get this out.
I feel utterly wretched, useless and just pretty crap tbf.

Should I move?
I don't know what to do
I'm certainly keeping away from dad however

Hi Shaker

Not really sure what help I can offer but just wanted to say hello and say that I understand how you're feeling.

I'm a first year student nurse, single parent to a young child and also suffer from depression I have only just started to get help for.

I haven't been to therapy yet, just the medication but I did feel a huge sense of relief in speaking to the doctor about things. Do you not feel that it might help to have someone to offload onto? It can be easier to talk to a professional who is, to an extent "detatched" from you and your situation. They wont judge you and you don't need to worry about what they will feel or think of you.

It sounds like being closer to your mum might help. If moving isnt a possibility can you increase the contact you have with her over the phone or skype? I do think it would help to distance yourself from your dad. Think about how he speaks to you and the things he says. Is he taking ownership of how his words and actions are making you feel? It doesn't sound like he is at all. Try to remember that when you feel guilty about "abandoning" him. Ultimately he has his wife and you need support which you are clearly not getting from him.

If you don't feel that you are worth taking care of, think about your little one. All the steps I have taken in this past wee while have been so that I can be well enough to take good care of my son. If you cant do it for you, do it for your child.

How are you coping with being a student? Does that give you a focus or just add to your stress? I find its a mix of both, especially when on placement.

Ive rambled on a bit here but just wanted to post and you can pm me if you want to

"I'm certainly keeping away from my dad however"

First step taken

Maybe you're not sure about the next step because it isn't time yet. You know it when you know it.

That's so very kind of you, really touched me.
I totally get exactly what you have said

gatewalker at 13.49 >

We cannot love anyone else properly (including DC) until we start learning to love and appreciate ourselves. It's not something that you start and then it's done...it's an ongoing process that needs to be replenished over and over.

The positivity ratio says that we need 3:1 positive to negative things just to stay balanced. And 5:1 to flourish when things are tough.

It gets better, Shaker.

The answer, which I'm sure you'll ultimately work out, is to find love inside yourself. Don't expect it from others. Don't keep waiting for it to come from a father who calls you fat and disgusting. YOU can love yourself. And once you've worked out how to do that, it will feel completely natural for you to spend time with the people who love you back, live in the places that suit you best, etc.

It will take time and work, but baby steps will add up and you'll get there. Make every day a practice in being kind to yourself, even if it's just one small thing, like fixing yourself a healthy meal you enjoy, or going to bed early enough to get a decent night's sleep, or going to speak to your doctors about a better med balance for you, or congratulating yourself internally for having handled something well, like a parenting moment or coursework.

Actions that really help also include:

• exercise
• meditation
• time carved out for a hobby you love
• time spent socialising with others
• focussing outside yourself, like when you're making something with your hands, or actively listening to another person, or just soaking in the beauty of nature.

If you can find something to do that involves time outdoors with others doing something active, then you'll be ticking most of those boxes at once. Are there any other dog-owners you like in your neighbourhood, with whom you could go on a long weekend walk in nature with your dog and DD?

You've all been so very kind and I take on board everything.
It is true that I don't know myself anymore or what I enjoy and like. Life has become more getting a,b,c done and getting through a day

That's horrible how your dad has been speaking to you, sounds like it is because of his own problems and nothing to do with you. You sound like you really need a hug from your Mum and a break, hope Xmas comes round soon. I just wondered if you had got any CBT therapy on offer? I had bad anxiety and OCD and I didn't fancy drugs but did try that and it has really helped, my anxiety scores are normal now, often you can self refer to your local mental health service. You sound like you have a lot on your plate, is there any chance of your Mum coming to stay with you occasionally to ease the load and give you some nice family time? After the way your dad has been speaking to you, you must need an antedote to that. Maybe over Xmas you could consider moving near your Mum, its not so grim up north :)

I think a lot of people have a "thing" that their life needs to hinge around in order to be happy, that thing changes as life changes, maybe even daily sometimes, but it gives you a bit of a guideline to get all the other stuff in line. You just need to decide or find what your thing is.

You said youre a student nurse - are you happy studying where you are? Do you feel that staying there and continuing that is necessary for you to really feel happy in yourself?
Do you feel that where you are now is the best place for your DD to grow up, in terms of lifestyle and opportunities, or do you feel that its more of a "eh, its ok".
It doesnt sound like staying near your parents is really working for you for being happy, and your friends have moved away.

There may well be other things that you need to consider, but I'd suggest that maybe your first three "main thing" options are:

• "My student nurse course is really important and is working well for me, I want to stay in the area so I can continue with that, and everything else needs to fit in around that".
• "This area is really where I want DD to grow up, I want to stay in this area for her and everything else needs to fit in around that"
• "I'm not really committed to staying here, I feel like I need to open my life up to lots of new opportunities. I'll see if I can transfer my nursing course to another university, and start planning to move to a different area/city/country entirely so I can have a new start with new opportunities"

Once you really just think about you and what you want, you might find that one of these (or a different thing entirely) starts to shine as the "right" answer.

Your right, so right
I love my degree course it's really great. However when I have a 12 hour shift (none as yet) I'll have to ask dad and stepmom if they will babysit but again that's happened before and I've found my bin literally littered with empty cans.

The area I'm in now is quite affluent and all the schools within a. 4 mile radius are rated outstanding. It's a lovely area for DD, with long nature walks etc

I have amazing neighbours were both single parents and do a lot together, she's an amazing friend. And our children are friends and will go to the same schools,

So there's pro and cons there!!

I think if I could drop back to my desired weight I would like to start horse riding again, I used to ride thorobreds as my career.

I guess I should be grateful for what I do have after my ex partner threw me out with just a duvet and a dog best thing he ever did for me

Moving up north is playing on my mind, but is it fair on DD taking her away from everything she knows

It sounds as if your area is great, but your father is lousy.

So you live alone with your DD, are financially independent and studying to be a nurse? Good for you!

You have time to think it all over. If you can continue as you are and achieve that nursing qualification you could have lots of scope in the future workwise.

Agree with PPs that your Dad sounds difficult and better to reduce your contact with him and his wife. They sound like they have alcohol problems too so are not suitable carers for your DD.

You're going to need reliable childcare for the future - shifts etc. do you have room for a lodger or au pair? Any childcare help / money available from your university, or money for a sitter, eg a capable teen from a local school?

I know it will upset them if I go, but I can't even broach this subject with them.
They will call me selfish

I have great childcare 7-7 Monday to Friday but not a lot outside those hours bar my stepmum

What they think doesn't matter.

I wouldn't move at the present time unless you can definitely get a place on a similar nursing course in your new location without losing time (eg having to restart or repeat a year). Have you looked into this yet?

You're going to need additional childcare for when you do shifts etc. If your stepmum drinks then she's not suitable.

Don't discuss your options or plans with your father or stepmum!

I think I could transfer,

How on earth do I find alternative childcare, I discussed all this before with them and they promised they would be supportive and help despite the ongoing issues

You're not fat and disgusting. YOu have a lot on your plate right now and obviously getting thin is the one that requires the least immediate response when you're juggling studying, parenting, childcare, coping with nasty relatives!!

There are some nice bits up north, but i live near Harrogate/York which is v. naice.

Could you move to one of the nice bits so still be close to your mum but not in one of the horrid bits?

Holding down a job and a university course while being a single parent with not much support must be incredibly hard and exhausting so well done for that! Just think once you have graduated you will be so proud of yourself and in years to come your daughter will be too.
I am slightly overweight at the moment but struggle to lose it while looking after my baby but have started doing fitness DVDs, I'm crap at them but no one can see me and I can watch my ds at the same
Time.. Maybe worth a go??
I think studying while working and looking after a child is a
Massive achievement.

I have been looking more rural as my mum is on the Derbyshire side but doesn't drive.

I am lucky in respect that I mostly handle everything well, as I say my weight only bothers me a little bit personally- it's the comments.
I accept myself, why can't they! I'm not in such an active job anymore.
I find it stupidly difficult to be sympathetic about the cancer like they think I should be, but yes it's my dad, and yes he's sick but is he just going to pickle another liver?

whatever they promised re help they can't now fully fulfil, sadly, because of their alcohol problems and your dad's (life threatening?) illness. You also didn't know when you made plans that they'd be mea to you!

You don't have many obvious alternatives for childcare for the short term, but time put in now to investigate possibilities, and saving up if that's possible, might pay dividends in the near future. Otherwise it could derail your great work on your course etc.

That's good that you have the option to transfer. Moving somewhere rural might have disadvantages - car expenses, future job options etc. And if you'd be relying on regular help from your Mum you'd need confidence that help would be forthcoming!

Only you can judge the level of risk with leaving DD with your stepmum in the short term. If your dad's illness worsens she might not be able to help out anymore anyway.

Might there be someone at DD's nursery able to do the odd out of hours stint? Might your friend and neighbour help occasionally, eg sleepover?

Sorry to focus so much on it, but reliable childcare is vital IMO! And a particular challenge for shiftworkers.

Your right I do need to have a good think, I have a very good neighbour
And I drive anyway which is a plus.

I would definitely move back to near your Mum. Perhaps she could help with childcare even? And I bet property is cheaper too (rent or buy). It really could be a very exciting move.

Your Dad sounds like a nasty piece of work. You must distance yourself from him, right now. He is a big part of your problem. If someone tells you often enough that you are crap, you will start to think that you are crap. He is abusing you.

Don't waste money on a Psychic. They prey on the vulnerable.

I actually think that you have FAR too much on your plate. I consider myself to be a very together person, and I'm telling you that I could not cope with 7am-7pm days and a child. Could you quit nursing, with a view to going back to it, when your child is older? Then get an easy part time job, apply for Child Tax Credits etc. Do you know that from next year, you will get 30 hours free nursery a week? That will help! You'd have some lovely quality time at home with your dc. Once she's at school, you can re-think career choices.