He can't keep a job. How long do I keep on being supportive?

[anyonelikeanytoast]

Been with my BF for nearly a year. This Christmas will be our first together.

We get on really well as a couple. I love him dearly, great sex life etc. The problem is that he just doesn't seem to be able to get and keep a job. He's has 2 jobs in the past year; both for a month a piece. The first job he lost after 4 weeks, and it took him 4 months to find another one. That one only lasted 4 weeks and now he is out of work again.

I know there's more to life than money, but it's starting to really affect my own mental health and how I view our relationship. It's just a constant stress and I feel like my bf isn't really trying as hard as he could be. I don't even want him to buy me any Christmas presents (plus it's also my birthday around Christmas time) as I know he will use the last of the money from him last job to do so, and then he's back on JSA. Which incidentally he is having to go onto a work programme to remain eligible for.

What would others do in my situation? I honestly feel exhausted by the whole thing. I've not seen him for almost 3 weeks because I felt like I needed some space from it all. It hasn't made things any clearer though, and I still feel so confused.

I'd walk away, sooner than later. You can't change who he is. And what he is, is a lazy bones with no sense of purpose who will only drag you down. Onward and upward.

Is this the PJ wearing guy, OP?

I think the op of the pyjama-wearing one did state that she wasn't going to break up with the guy, but just wanted him to not be living in her flat and wearing her PJs......

And buy him fags, pay all the bills, etc etc. He was an expensive pet.

SolidGoldBrass

This

Run don't walk

This will sound harsh, but leave. I have just come out of a long term (almost 10 years) relationship where my BF was constantly being unemployed for months at a time (6 + months) and then would have a job for a bit, and then not- to be honest he most got 'let go' through entirely his own fault (anger, rudeness etc). He refused to claim JSA for years, because thats 'what chavs do'. (His words, not mine). It was the same pattern and I got sick of it. Eventually, we both got depressed, we couldn't afford anything, and we both ended up resenting each other. I got fed up of paying for everything, groceries etc endlessly, and he got annoyed with me for 'having money and a job'. He accused me 'of keeping him poor' once when I wouldn't give cash from my purse (it wasn't mine to give- I'd offered to go to the cash point and get him some, but he was too busy shouting and yelling to listen to me). He was always asking me to 'loan' him money, that he never repaid. There were no holidays, no evenings out, no cinema trips, no drinks out with friends, (unless I paid) everything was tainted with 'but he doesn't have a job'- so no birthday meals, no being able to do anything at weekends ever except sit in front of the tv, and eventually I just couldn't take his depression, the sitting at home but never doing any housework and him playing 10+ hours of computer games, having to be his cheerleader, his overwhelming uselessness. If I was him I'd have taken work at McDonalds rather than do nothing. He wouldn't even do voluntary work or pull pints in the local pub. He raged against the world for being unfair, but wouldn't help himself. He raged at me, because I wasn't in his situation, made me feel guilty for having a job. He raged against the government because he has different opinions. It got to the point where I was considering suicide I was so miserable. I felt I couldn't leave him because then there would be no one to help/look after him as he had no money. The pay out from redundancy he squandered on stupid rubbish. Every time I tried to break up with him, there was another drama that meant I couldn't (he was hospitalised, or some such drama). I spent 3 years trying to find a way out. I finally did it this year. It was horrible, he was vile, but it the end it was all over quickly. I estimated it cost me around £500 + in the break up (in terms of tenancy fees and council tax and end of tenancy clean that he didn't pay, and stiffed me with). But that £500 bought my freedom. When I broke up with him he was furious that he'd now have to pay for a parking space (we'd had one before- stupid idiot had leased a car and wouldn't get rid of it) and yelled 'that's all YOUR fault'. Every day I am so pleased I had the courage to do it. Every day I am thrilled I don't have that financial stress and worry any more. My life has improved immeasurably, I used to be scared that everything I said or did would set him off, it was like living with an angry, ticking bomb, fizzing with fury and hatred. Everyone goes through hard times, we all lose jobs (it's happened to me before), but its the ability to pick yourself up and move past it and look for other avenues that makes the difference. And he just wasn't willing to do that. There is a happy ending, I now have a super lovely gorgeous boyfriend, my own little flat, and am very happy.

'I think the op of the pyjama-wearing one did state that she wasn't going to break up with the guy, but just wanted him to not be living in her flat and wearing her PJs......'

I cannot imagine anything that would kill any sexual desire I had for a man faster than his lounging around smoking all day in my fucking night clothes whilst I paid all the bills.

Do the Freedom Programme, OP and learn to set your bar far higher than a waster like this.

Some people see depression as a reason not to work, some people see the importance of working as a reason to beat the depression. I wouldn't expect your DP to be able to work if he's depressed, however, I would expect him to want to be able to work. It sounds like your DP is basically work-averse, and even if he gets better that will not change. You are perfectly entitled to feel that his attitude is unacceptable, because it has nothing at all to do with his mental health and everything to do with who he is as a person.

Tell him what you want out of life then let him go, if he proves himself long term, at least 6 months solid without losing a job then give him another go, I wouldn't hold your breath though. Best wishes.

It's the first year of your relationship, but doesn't sound like it's been a honeymoon period!

He was like this when you met him but you thought being in a relationship with you would help him and he'd change. Not a great idea! You can't rescue him.

Your friends wouldn't like him so much if he were their bf!

If you want a family deep down then don't waste any more time with him. You might or might not meet someone else and / or have DC but with this guy you're looking at a depressing time.

If you haven't seen him for three weeks then it's over surely? No contact at all?

You must be getting back into a nice life, seeing friends etc. Why would you go back to that? Even if he gets a job, I wouldn't bother seeing him again.

some people use depression as an excuse not to work.....when in fact all they are is lazy.....i have had major depression (10 months hospitalized etc) and that was the only time i was off work ....i think actually going to work makes you focus on something other that your depression (i know thats not in all cases)...this bloke sounds just lazy ....some people have the 'works not for me' attitude....and these are the types that think the whole world owes then big time.....i would run a mile!

If you are in work & you work hard, if you are lucky someone will offer you a better job in another department or some training to help you progress.

Some people work 2 or 3 jobs & have out of work responsibilities & some people have long commutes

He is lucky, I assume to have benefits

Work gives people more than just money

I agree the time to have looked for xmas jobs would have been early September

I would have a serious think if this is a deal breaker for you

What do you want for your short and long term future ?