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Original poster

He can't keep a job. How long do I keep on being supportive?

91 replies

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 09:21

Been with my BF for nearly a year. This Christmas will be our first together.

We get on really well as a couple. I love him dearly, great sex life etc. The problem is that he just doesn't seem to be able to get and keep a job. He's has 2 jobs in the past year; both for a month a piece. The first job he lost after 4 weeks, and it took him 4 months to find another one. That one only lasted 4 weeks and now he is out of work again.

I know there's more to life than money, but it's starting to really affect my own mental health and how I view our relationship. It's just a constant stress and I feel like my bf isn't really trying as hard as he could be. I don't even want him to buy me any Christmas presents (plus it's also my birthday around Christmas time) as I know he will use the last of the money from him last job to do so, and then he's back on JSA. Which incidentally he is having to go onto a work programme to remain eligible for.

What would others do in my situation? I honestly feel exhausted by the whole thing. I've not seen him for almost 3 weeks because I felt like I needed some space from it all. It hasn't made things any clearer though, and I still feel so confused.

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 10/12/2015 11:11

toast have you posted about this guy before? He got a job, then pretty much moved in with you immediately, then you had to put your foot down and insist he move his stuff out? And there was a worry that this might cause him to lose/quit the job he'd found?

Sorry if it's not you but it does sound familiar.

KeepOnMoving1 · 10/12/2015 11:15

Op he's telling you loud and clear what he is like. In the real world, everything costs money and while it's nice to think That it's not the only point to life, it is a pretty major factor. A big part of his problem sounds like laziness. Not sure about you but that would be a huge put off for me. While you can manage financially on your own, you don't want to be carrying the entire burden in this aspect.

pallasathena · 10/12/2015 11:19

Maybe he's not only depressed but completely overwhelmed by the limited type of work available to him? If he can't hold down the sort of jobs you've mentioned - and I freely admit I couldn't - he needs to think about what does interest him and make an effort to find work in something that really fires him up.
If he's a sensitive sort, how about care work? Masses of jobs nationally in care work and most have training attached which could lead to career progression.
Have a heart to heart with him o/p but remember too what others have said. If he's just a freeloader you need to get out of the relationship right now because men like that can ruin your life leaving you emotionally bereft, financially flat lined and with trust issues that will take years to navigate.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 10/12/2015 11:19

If you want a child, mid 30s isn't too late by any stretch of the imagination. It does mean you don't have time to waste though.

As for the relationship, it sounds like you're saying his depression leaves him effectively unable to function for a significant percentage of the time. I've enough family experience of that to know I'd have to think very carefully indeed before tying my wagon to someone who effectively has a chronic illness that would require me to carry the entire load at times. I'm sorry if that hurts anyone reading, but having had a parent who often couldn't function within the family due to MH conditions made me realise I couldn't choose that for my adulthood as well as my childhood. It's not just about the job thing. A person can be unemployable but a brilliant, thrifty homemaker, for example. But from what you've said, that's not the case.

PippaFawcett · 10/12/2015 11:22

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He has shown you he is lazy, believe him. I cannot abide lazy people so I would walk away.

expatinscotland · 10/12/2015 11:23

When someone shows you who they are, listen to them!

The 'depression'. Yeah, how come you have it and you can work, but he cannot.

Are you the one who had him living with you?

Get rid. This person is sucking the life out of you.

It's entirely 'fair' to break up with someone for this. And you know waht? The world isn't fair.

TempusEedjit · 10/12/2015 11:24

As a pp asked is his depression self diagnosed or is he getting help for it?

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 11:30

Isn't this the man who's still in bed when you get home from work? You've posted about him and his laziness before, haven't you? Everyone told you then to stop seeing him. Why don't you find your old threads and remind yourself of how you felt then and think about how you feel now?

When it goes on for such a long time then you're almost as responsible - you put up with it, complain, then he looks for a job and it all starts again. If you want to fix him, dump him and give him the shock of his life.

Atomik · 10/12/2015 11:30

That's why I feel so sad. I'm asking for so little really.

You are not asking for a little.

You are asking him be somebody he is not. i.e. Somebody with the same (perfectly reasonable) priorities that you have.

You might as well be asking him to grow a tail for all that he can turn on a dime and transmogrify into the person you wish he was.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/12/2015 11:35

I am mid-20's. I have noticed that there are two clear streams of men.

Those who are lazy, and nothing motivates them to get or keep a job. They talk a big game - daydream about expensive watches or nice cars or weddings and children and holidays...but they don't want anything enough to actually get a keep a job.

And those who are motivated, or at least have some stamina, and have jobs. They work, every day, and if they lose the job for whatever reason, they are straight back out there getting another one.

Your DP is clearly in the first category. I'd hate door-to-door sales too, but lets face it, if you keep losing jobs and being unemployed, your potential pool of jobs is going to weaken. If he'd stuck it out and done sales for a few months, he could have then started applying to better jobs that he'd prefer.

It's not just his career that he's lazy about, either. He doesn't bother to maintain a social life, he doesn't entertain himself if you're not around, he just hangs around his relative's house waiting for you. And not even that - living with a relative and not being able to do anything - is enough to make him think, I'll get a job and get my own place/be able to afford nice hobbies.

You can't change him. Infact, you're probably stopping him from changing, because subconciously he's now ticked the girlfriend box and a few times a week he gets to live with you and think "Hey, I've done alright not having a job".

Whether it's too late to have a family is up to you to decide. Whether it's too late to save this guy already is - he can't borrow your motivation, it'll never last and he'll resent you for making him work. If you can even get him to work in the first place - and so far he managed 2 months, out of twelve.

TotalConfucius · 10/12/2015 11:37

You're asking for a life with shared values and ambitions, where you work together to get where you want to be.
It doesn't sound like he will offer that.
DH has a friend like this - he's 52 now, living in one room of a grotty flat share, the latest grand plan to make his fortune is to be a London taxi driver, but that apparently means he can't work because of the time needed to study for 'the knowledge'. Which clearly means lots of lie-ins till lunchtimes, late nights hanging out round mates' houses strumming a few tunes on a guitar, ad hoc trips to see his mum 300 miles away (always coincides with rent day...).
I don't think you want to be there in twenty years.

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 11:39

Great post, Anchor!

expatinscotland · 10/12/2015 11:40

'Isn't this the man who's still in bed when you get home from work?'

Yeah, there's a lot of them here. That was the one who was wearing her PJs. Same thing. Just CBA'd to work.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 10/12/2015 11:46

To be fair expat there are degrees of depression. It's quite plausible that one person with depression can't function enough to work because of it, while another can. But I agree with several posters, I'd want to know who diagnosed this depression and what exactly was being done to treat it. And even then, OP isn't obliged to stick around. OP you have to also consider your own mental health!

April2013 · 10/12/2015 11:54

Depression and difficult early life can make early career stuff very hard, perhaps you should encourage him to build his skills and hopefully ease his depression by doing ft voluntary work, something he is interested in. If he has lots of other good qualities then perhaps he is worth it - you could be with a high flier who you decided to have children with who then made you totally miserable and never spent any time with you or your children. I think he should be doing something with his week, whether paid or not and perhaps that is the issue more than the money? He just needs to have something positive and with potential in his life perhaps? Then you will be more equal. I think punishing him for it is not the right approach if he has depression, better to encourage and support whilst also explaining how it makes you feel and has a negative effect on you and your relationship. I can totally relate to how you feel about it but I was criticised a lot by my ex and ex in laws for not having a permanent job in my early 20s, I did temp work instead, it really hurt and what I really needed was encouragement.

Lweji · 10/12/2015 11:59

I'd just walk away.

I have a cousin like this, unfortunately, and he is fast on his way to being homeless, after both his parents died.

He is over 50 and hasn't held on to a job for more than one year, probably less, and won't even cook his own meals.

If he is depressed he should get professional help, but in your place I'd leave it and if he ever gets back on track and you are still available, then, consider getting back together. Having said that, my final decision might still be a no.

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 12:09

Expat, this is the same guy, the pyjama wearer!

Oysterbabe · 10/12/2015 12:17

I have a really strong work ethic so it would be a big nope from me. Sounds like that may be the case for you too, you're incompatible.

nilbyname · 10/12/2015 13:00

pippa has it, that is a very powerful thing- he has shown you who he is.

Love is wonderful and magical, but unless you're of means then the reality of work, money, children, bills and so on must be factored in.

He may well be immature, he may well go on to great successes. Don't waste your valuable time with him.

You could meet someone this weekend, and be holding a new born in 2 years time- it happens, don't put obsticles in the way of your happiness. Flowers

ImperialBlether · 10/12/2015 13:53

This OP is a very hard worker and has more than one job. I remember her saying she didn't get home until 11 pm some nights. She's living with a cocklodger and for some reason she won't separate from him. OP, only you are in charge of your destiny. It doesn't matter what we say; if you put up with crap you'll have a crap life. Do yourself a favour and get rid of him.

kaitlinktm · 10/12/2015 14:07

The one who wears the OP's pyjamas? Really? I thought she had thrown him out. How can this still be going on?

wizzywig · 10/12/2015 14:28

Getting a job really helped with my depression.

expatinscotland · 10/12/2015 15:30

Threw him out, but didn't stop seeing him, perhaps? Hence, he's dossing at a relative's until he can get his feet back under her table. Sounds like the same guy, that one was a chugger, too, who didn't work.

DrDreReturns · 10/12/2015 15:31

Leave him. I have always thought that for a 'normal' person living in a city it is easy to get a job. It might be a shit job, but there is no excuse for being out of work ten months out of twelve. Certainly I have always found work quickly when I had to.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/12/2015 15:34

I'd have some sympathy with a person refusing to take a shitty, exploitative job TBH. There's no moral superiority in knocking yourself out to enrich someone who considers you little more than a domestic animal, rips you off and puts you at risk - the whole concept of the 'work ethic' is a big con designed to keep inequality going.

In some cases, a gentle, pleasant, endearing man is an excellent choice to start a family with as he can be the SAHP.

However, this one sounds particularly aimless as he doesn't appear to have any hobbies or interests at all. I think you would be better off without him.