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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He can't keep a job. How long do I keep on being supportive?

91 replies

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 09:21

Been with my BF for nearly a year. This Christmas will be our first together.

We get on really well as a couple. I love him dearly, great sex life etc. The problem is that he just doesn't seem to be able to get and keep a job. He's has 2 jobs in the past year; both for a month a piece. The first job he lost after 4 weeks, and it took him 4 months to find another one. That one only lasted 4 weeks and now he is out of work again.

I know there's more to life than money, but it's starting to really affect my own mental health and how I view our relationship. It's just a constant stress and I feel like my bf isn't really trying as hard as he could be. I don't even want him to buy me any Christmas presents (plus it's also my birthday around Christmas time) as I know he will use the last of the money from him last job to do so, and then he's back on JSA. Which incidentally he is having to go onto a work programme to remain eligible for.

What would others do in my situation? I honestly feel exhausted by the whole thing. I've not seen him for almost 3 weeks because I felt like I needed some space from it all. It hasn't made things any clearer though, and I still feel so confused.

OP posts:

manana21 · 10/12/2015 10:19

you've given him a year, whether you want to have kids or not you deserve a relationship with a functioning adult - you say you're depressed but you go to work every day. This situation would get anyone down. That's another red flag if he's happy to take help from all and sundry - he doesn't have good standards. You wouldn't be so hard up if you had a partner that shared some costs, being single is more expensive than 2 people working and contributing.

mayhew · 10/12/2015 10:19

"Massive Block" is not your problem. It's his. You can't turn him into a different person or fix him. He has to do this. He loafs about fantasising how life could be, which you are slightly drawn into, but makes no effort to make it happen.

How would you advise a friend in this situation?

TempusEedjit · 10/12/2015 10:21

I also think he wants to do these things... but only on the back of somebody else's effort.

Did he help round the house when he was staying at yours?

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 10:26

He does help yes. He tidies up and what not.

mayhew. I would tell them to get out. Although ironically all my friends love him. He's very attractive and sweet. One of my friends was telling me last week that someone having a job isn't everyone.

She doesn't have to live with it though...

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 10/12/2015 10:30

How old is he if you don't mind me asking? Has he held down a steady job previously?

TotalConfucius · 10/12/2015 10:32

I'd take a break from him, then extend the break. Ok, I'd finish with him. It seems clear to me that the problem is not that he isn't earning £50,000 a year, it's just the lack of self-discipline and work ethic. It seems to me that if you were able to say 'he doesn't earn that much but by god he puts in the hours' you would be much happier.
In 31 years my DH has never fulfilled the earning potential I thought he had when I met him (!) but he's never had a day out of work and I don't doubt he would take any job to pay the bills and put food on the table if he had to.
Unless he's under 25 he's unlikely to change, just drift along through life, going where the wind takes him. If that's not your shared ambition, you need to move on.

manana21 · 10/12/2015 10:33

Pottering about doing a bit of tidying isn't a contribution to a shared life though, how much mess can 1 person make? 'having a job isn't everyone', well, only if you're independently wealthy or want a miserable life living hand to mouth. You find him draining to be around, as would most people. My friend got quite depressed about the fact they were always racking up debt because her DP just didn't care about money or work. It is completely reasonable not to want to share that life even if he's not a horrible man and he has some ok qualities other than not wanting to work. Why settle?

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 10:34

He's early twenties, so there's a big age gap.

I resisted dating him for precisely that reason, but he convinced me that we were a good couple, love conquers all, etc.

He wasn't employed, but he's had a difficult past, so I overlooked it.

I just honestly thought he needed a bit of love and stability to turn things around. It clearly isn't working that way though.

I'm worried about what will happen to him if we split up though. I really need to step back from it all. I just don't know how to do it kindly.

OP posts:

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 10:36

Kindly to myself as well. I do really love him and the whole thing is really distressing me.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2015 10:39

Oh, so he's gone for the mother figure who can look after his needs while he does fuck all to contribute.
Nope. Sorry. He'd be gone now.
Do it and you might find your depressions lifts somewhat when you don't have his weight to drag around with you!

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 10:39

Totalconfucious. That is totally accurate. I am really happy when he has a job. Everything is fine then, and we are really happy.

That's why I feel so sad. I'm asking for so little really.

OP posts:

TheClacksAreDown · 10/12/2015 10:39

The man clearly has no ambition whatsoever. And to be honest, if you're an able bodied man without a bad criminal record in a patriarchal society, remaining in low paid work in London is a pretty modest ambition as they go as there are many jobs available if you're willing to work hard. I'd find that hugely unattractive and would have bailed before now.

mayhew · 10/12/2015 10:40

I feel for you because you also have a fantasy of how life could be with a partner. However, he is not the partner who will play his part and you will be disappointed and frustrated.

I had a lovely boyfriend like this. I found him adorable but just before we moved in together, i realised that I was looking after him but that he would never be able to reciprocate in an adult way. And that would stifle my own life and would lead me to resent him. Many years on, he has found his way. An education, career, marriage and family. I wish him well but I dont think it would have happened with me.

manana21 · 10/12/2015 10:42

why not tell the truth? You're not being unkind here - you care about him but it's getting you down and undermining your MH because you're looking for a life partner that can hold down a job and make a contribution to costs (as is every sensible person) and there's no evidence over the last year that this is what he wants too? You feel you're not well suited to each other so it's best to take a step back. You're not being some awful cow, you've given him a fair chance.

EssentialHummus · 10/12/2015 10:43

You mentioned in a later post that he is depressed. Is it diagnosed, is it being treated? If not, the first priority for him (and you, if you think you want to give things another shot) is to see his GP and get on anti-depressants.

If he's genuinely a lazy git then absolutely take steps to LTB. But if you think it's a MH issue, or might be, then (while you're certainly not obliged to stick around and help) things might improve if/when the black cloud over his head lifts.

I've never claimed benefits in my life, but am coming out of a serious depressive episode that contributed to/caused my losing my job earlier this year. I absolutely could not drag myself out to look for work, or even take the little steps I needed to get that ball rolling. You may as well have asked me to climb Everest, for how achievable that felt. I was genuinely paralytic with fear/anxiety at the prospect of having to "get out there".

I think that in your shoes, if you feel that the relationship is otherwise sound, I'd be having a conversation with him about why he thinks things are going so wrong - it may clarify matters for you.

mayhew · 10/12/2015 10:45

A year later, i met someone very different. Who knew who he was and what he wanted to do. Our relationship developed gradually via mutual friends.

We have travelled the world together, married, had a child and now planning retirement. Neither of us have ever been unemployed. We've had some hard challenges but have shared them 50/50. I can rely on him 100%, we are very different but complementary and he never bores me.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 10/12/2015 10:48

There's just some massive block that he can't get past for some reason.

yes he is a lazy slacker, who doesn't want to work

TempusEedjit · 10/12/2015 10:54

Was also wondering where you see things going longer term if he says he wants a family but you don't?

manana21 · 10/12/2015 10:55

i wouldn't even countenance rubbish about him wanting a family if he's not prioritizing getting a steady job, it's cheap talk. Op might have a sniff of making such a decision if she met someone with a steady job.

mouldycheesefan · 10/12/2015 10:56

I would ditch him. I couldn't be with someone who lacked the get up and go to earn a living.

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 11:00

I would love a family Tempus. I just can't really see it happening for me.

It is just cheap talk on his part. You can't have a family with somebody who can't even hold down a job. It's just not possible.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/12/2015 11:02

You have gained yourself a lazy son substitute there

Look up codependence...that's you, that is

AnyFucker · 10/12/2015 11:03

How old are you, op

If you want a family, this isn't the guy and you are wasting time being his mother

Get shut of him and crack on looking for someone who can work with you to achieve that

Original poster

anyonelikeanytoast · 10/12/2015 11:07

I'm mid thirties AF.

I hear what you're saying, but tbh I've somewhat given up on the idea of finding a person to settle down with. It's just never happened for me. It looks more unlikely now that I'm getting older. I only ever seem to attract men who are years older or younger than myself.

Ironically he is the one who wants to label it as a serious relationship. I don't feel he even knows what one is though. I ask him what he wants for the future for himself and I just get stonewalled.

OP posts:

badtime · 10/12/2015 11:08

OP, you shouldn't be worried about what will happen to him if you break up.

If he has to get a job, he will manage it. For people like this, feeling secure is actually demotivating - if you have had a tough time in the past but your life is currently going well, you want to avoid changing anything, as that might make things go wrong again. They feel like this even if they know the inertia might ruin their currently happy situation. If their life is not great, they are less avoidant of taking action.

I know, because I am like this. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have no drive or ambition. I would happily sit around the house all the time for the next couple of decades. However, because I know this is not fair on my husband, I don't. I have a job (not a great one, but a job) and I do things.

If your boyfriend doesn't realise or care that he is being unfair to you, then you are better off out of the relationship.

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