Worried about my 19year old daughter

[Offtoaeethewizard]

Please don't judge me as I am at my wits end and really need some advice. I feel too embarrassed to talk to any friends or family about the situation and despite scouring the internet I cannot find anywhere else to turn to for help.

My daughter is away at university and last weekend I used a computer in the house that has her Facebook messenger logged into it, I didn't know at the time. Whilst doing my online shopping on the top right hand corner she started having a conversation with one of her friends. I probably should have turned away or logged out but I didn't and what I read has caused me unbelievable stress. I could only see one side of the conversation (not hers) but I learnt that since losing her virginity last summer she has had full penetrative sex with 8 partners. She has never had a boyfriend and all of the encounters have been casual one night stands.

I understand in this day and age of sexual freedom and liberation people of her age are more casual about sex than I ever was and from what I have ready online the consensus of some is that if she is willing, single and not hurting anyone then why shouldn't she. I am no prude nor stuck in the dark ages but in truth I am honestly horrified and very concerned for her mental and physical wellbeing.

Her first sexual experience was with a boy that she was extremely fond of and had been extremely close to for a few years, though they never went out; without going into detail he hurt her very badly by wining her trust then afterwards told her that he had slept with her for a bet. I am very concerned that she is so damaged by this bad experience that she has gone off the rails and has such low self esteem that the attention she gets during these encounters is a quick fix for feeling wanted.

I would be grateful for any constructive comments on how to handle this situation. Should I tell her what I read and talk to her when she comes home? Should I arrange some counselling for her? Should I try to delete it from my mind and hope that she is using precautions and getting tested? I really don't know what to do for the best and don't want to talk to my husband about it as he doesn't understand emotional issues and I don't trust that he wouldn't refer to it in the future when, hopefully, she finds a different path.

Thank you in advance

She'll be home for Christmas this weekend I guess? So, have a casual chat, not mentioning the messages, maybe starting with something innocuous like "I saw your ex in town the other day". This could lead to a conversation about boyfriends etc and if she has emotional problems she might open up to you (as she did about the bet, presumably).

Bear in mind though that she might be perfectly ok - don't assume anything is amiss just because she has had eight partners, that's a big leap! I'd had five partners by 19y and I only slept with people I was "going out" with. Eight isn't a terribly massive number. Perfectly healthy friends of mine would've slept with that number of guys at age 19 I think.

If she doesn't willingly discuss it with you you'll have to accept that you must let it go, I reckon.

Of course, there is always the possibility that the messages were an exaggeration of the truth. That is the problem with reading private messages. I came across some messages from 13yo DD to a friend (about something she shouldn't have been doing) and was worried sick, but it turned out to be (mostly) boasting and bravado.

"List not at a knothole lest you be vexed". The Disgraces have a rule: no peeking under any circumstances. Letters, email, diaries, drawers. When DD was trying to communicate her teenage unhappiness, she would leave badly hiddden notes about, which we would return unread until she opened up. She's 19 as well, and I believe currently enjoying her freedom at uni to the full. Can't ask though, that would be all kinds of wrong.

You made a mistake. Live with it.

The OP is not being judgemental, she's a very worried and concerned mum, nothing wrong with that.

No she should not have read it so she either shuts up and tries to forget about it or she fesses up and has the talk if that's even possible.

We are talking 8 ONS remember, not 8 partners - possibly strangers and that in itself is scary.

But if I was her daughter and she told me she'd arranged counselling for me because I'd had some ONS I would feel like she was judging me, not to mention mortified.

What's the big deal about having sex with a stranger? If she's at uni, they're probably all students or acquaintances anyway.

What's the big deal having sex with 8 strangers at 19 - really, I defy any mum who would simply find this out and nod and think, oh aye, all very normal, I wouldn't!

All the OP is trying to do is the best by her daughter.

And yes, we all know she SHOULDN'T have done it.

By done I mean read sorry.

It is understandable that she might have wanted to given the circumstances. she is behaving like a normal 19 year old girl.
If you say anything to her it might appear very judgemental and damage your relationship with her. The best you can do is offer a listening ear if she wants to vent about men's troubles. Sometimes women sleep around due to low self worth and counselling can help.

The invasion of privacy could be very upsetting to her so you cannot say anything and DO NOT look again.

If you are worried you will need to find a way of opening up a natural conversation at some point-but you can no longer tell her what to do.

You can certainly talk to her in general terms - about self esteem and trying to get it from sex...

Jeebus, she is 19, not 13. Boat->sailed. Horse->bolted. She is either deriving self esteem from sex (which would be unfortunate) or she is just (shock horror) enjoying sex. Having that kind of talk at 19 would speak more about cloying, delayed parenting than good intentions.

In all honesty what can you do? You can't do down the road of 'Rapunzel parenting' as I call it - i.e. locking up your daughter and throwing away the key.

I understand your concerns, but all fresher students get reams of leaflets regarding sexual health now. I was also promiscuous during my first year at university, eons ago, most of the sex I had was very enjoyable. I did calm down, especially when I got a low grade sti, it made me sit back and think about what I was doing.

People have to learn, sometimes the messy way. It's all part of life's rich tapestry.

Of course you're going to be concerned, I would be too

I personally would wait for an opportunity to come up in which to have a general conversation about relationships and sex and general attitudes.

Of course it's ok for converting adults to have safe sex for fun.

What you need to do is assure yourself she's being safe and that she's doing it because it's recreational (for want of a better term) rather than because she's been emotionally damaged by her past.

If my friends/family had noticed me sleeping around in my latter teenage years and we'd talked about it, perhaps I'd have opened up about being raped by a previous boyfriend. I slept about as a misguided mission to prove I was in control, not because it was fun. Of course I wasn't their responsibility and I'm not blaming, but in hindsight I think it would have been beneficial.

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here and say that I think It is understandable to be concerned. The thing that would worry me is the whole bet thing with the boy she trusted, (which is completely despicable, what a horrid thing to do to someone ) I do wonder whether that has pushed her to want to sleep around, perhaps so she can prove to herself that losing her virginity to him wasn't that big of a deal, because look how freely she is having sex now. That is just a guess though, and maybe she is just doing it because she enjoys it (or maybe she isn't doing it at all, as others have suggested.)

I don't know what, if anything, you can do, except be there for her as a supportive mum and let her get it out of her system. Whatever you do though, do NOT tell her you read the messages!

Op I think you're getting some harsh comments here. You know your dd best. While she's legally an adult, 19 is quite young still.

Your dd sounds like she was cruelly tricked by her old friend, and this is the only issue I would bring up with her. I couldn't imagine the betrayal of losing my virginity to someone I loved in what turned out to be a bet. That's just so nasty and cruel. It's like finding out there was a video camera or something.
To know that there were a group waiting for news and perhaps proof, and that you were being discussed in this way if horrific.

I would ask your dd if she sees him any more, how she feels about what happened, and remind her that you're there for her if she wants to talk about it. That is the only thing that would concern me actually. She may feel like it was a rape, or that she was abused, and I'd remind her that there are counsellors at home and on campus if she wants to take it further.
Tell her she's a lovely girl, and what happened to her wasn't her fault. She trusted him and he betrayed her.
Tell her that you felt angry about what happened, and that you're there for her. You might want to ring the rape crisis centre to see about counselling for yourself.

The FB comments might not even be true, and if they are it's understandable for you to be concerned. I'd remind her to be careful in a lighthearted way, and mention that you hope she's having fun.

Make her her favourite meal. Spoil her a bit.

Ignore the harshness on this thread.
I feel people are projecting their anger at being spied upon by their own parents, and the anti feminist judgements about 'promiscuity' that came with that. I'm not getting into a debate or a bunfight.

Your life and your DDs life are your priority. Get help if you need it.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Wow, some exceptionally unpleasant comments here.

For some 19-year-olds, this would be exuberant behaviour, celebrating freedom and having fun; for others it would be a desperate and miserable act. If my oldest son did this I would be very worried about him, if it were my second son I would think he was having a great time.

The OP knows her daughter best; if this is out of character, I think trying to talk and figuring out if dd is happy and confident is an obvious first step. I would do this without letting her know that her messages had been seen.

Hi, I'm 21 so not far off your daughters age... I won't lie, I would be totally outraged in her situation, but I also understand that you saw these accidentally and curiosity got the better of you, which is only natural.
As soon as you mention that you read her messages she will not listen to anything reasonable you may have to say, purely due to how angry she will be.

She lost her virginity last summer? That's quite old compared to some people me and so i would think, knowing the amount of pressure girls face, that she's quite sensible about these kind of things. Maybe it has got something to do with her first experience being bad, maybe she's now enjoying casual sex on her terms in order to get her confidence back before she feels ready to commit.
And to a PP who said people under 24 aren't fully mentally developed - well I'm currently raising a DD of my own and haven't been criticised yet so whilst we might not be "fully developed" we have moved on a little bit from puberty thanks

OP, just how old are you? I'm 52, and eight people in a year seems a bit...sparse to me. (Well, not now I'm 52 but a couple of decades ago certainly.)

Your daughter has had some nasty stuff in the past, yes. But prying into her sex life now isn't IMO right. She may find she doesn't like ONS. She may find she does. She may decide she likes boys or girls or both or kink or heaven knows what. It's her sex life.

And obviously anyone having sex should be using condoms. Whether it's with the same partner or multiple ones. Love doesn't protect you from HIV.

My mother read my diary when I was 16. I have still not forgiven her 38 years on.

And obviously anyone having sex should be using condoms

No thank you. I'll make my own decisions on that one.

OP, it is, of course, understandable to be worried about your DD. However, she's an adult and living away from home - how she chooses to live her life is up to her.

You sound shocked by the number and the fact that it seems to be ONSs. For many people, neither of those things are shocking. I wouldn't bring it up with her, simply because your shock is likely come across as judgement and you risk alienating her.

If you normally have a good relationship with her, and she seems fine in herself, then leave her be. She'll come to you if she needs help. It's hard, but you have to let adult DC make their own decisions, even if you think those decisions are mistakes.

Eight people isn't going off the rails at all. Blimey, in my first year at university I was averaging about 4 one night stands a week.