Worried about my 19year old daughter

[Offtoaeethewizard]

Please don't judge me as I am at my wits end and really need some advice. I feel too embarrassed to talk to any friends or family about the situation and despite scouring the internet I cannot find anywhere else to turn to for help.

My daughter is away at university and last weekend I used a computer in the house that has her Facebook messenger logged into it, I didn't know at the time. Whilst doing my online shopping on the top right hand corner she started having a conversation with one of her friends. I probably should have turned away or logged out but I didn't and what I read has caused me unbelievable stress. I could only see one side of the conversation (not hers) but I learnt that since losing her virginity last summer she has had full penetrative sex with 8 partners. She has never had a boyfriend and all of the encounters have been casual one night stands.

I understand in this day and age of sexual freedom and liberation people of her age are more casual about sex than I ever was and from what I have ready online the consensus of some is that if she is willing, single and not hurting anyone then why shouldn't she. I am no prude nor stuck in the dark ages but in truth I am honestly horrified and very concerned for her mental and physical wellbeing.

Her first sexual experience was with a boy that she was extremely fond of and had been extremely close to for a few years, though they never went out; without going into detail he hurt her very badly by wining her trust then afterwards told her that he had slept with her for a bet. I am very concerned that she is so damaged by this bad experience that she has gone off the rails and has such low self esteem that the attention she gets during these encounters is a quick fix for feeling wanted.

I would be grateful for any constructive comments on how to handle this situation. Should I tell her what I read and talk to her when she comes home? Should I arrange some counselling for her? Should I try to delete it from my mind and hope that she is using precautions and getting tested? I really don't know what to do for the best and don't want to talk to my husband about it as he doesn't understand emotional issues and I don't trust that he wouldn't refer to it in the future when, hopefully, she finds a different path.

Thank you in advance

You can certainly talk to her in general terms - about self esteem and trying to get it from sex, trying to get guys to like you by sleeping with them, about consent issues, about safe sex and stis - which teens are staggeringly naive about - but I don't think you can go further than that.

I don't agree you can't bring it up, of course you can. But she may not listen anyway.

Nothing cool imo about having one night stands - even if you are protecting yourself sexually - a one night stand usually involves a stranger, who, potentially could do anything to you, I'd be worried sick myself and at 19 there is no way you are mature and even emotionally equipped to deal with regular casual sex, you might think you are but not many are.

Many harsh replies here making light of casual sex, it's not that great an idea at any age, and yes for a female can entail a lot more than just catching an STD.

Forget you saw it. It is normal 19 year old behaviour and it is private.

i don't think you should specifically tell her what happened, if she has gone a bit off the rails she'll be eternally mortified to find her mum knows, but I would try to boost her self esteem generally to try and make sure she's doing it because she's enjoying it, and not because she feels worthless. I'd try bluffing my way into a general conversation about her MH/how things are going by saying you've been reading an article on how challenging starting university is and lots of students have MH issues & can get depressed while doing degrees and do x, y, z etc. There was an article about a US college student that made a PPT about all the men she'd slept with that went viral for example.

I feel for you OP. Blimey, I'm 46 and I haven't had 8 one night stands. If she carries on like this, she'll overtake my "number" by next summer. Of course it's worrying. Some people are slating you here, but I find it hard to believe that they would be happy for their daughters to be dropping their knickers every 5 minutes. Yes she's an adult. But she hasn't been one for very long. And you don't stop worrying about your children the second they turn 18. When my marriage broke down, at age 37, I did a bit of sleeping around. My parents worried about the emotional effect that might have on me. I was 37!

I don't know what the answer is. I suspect you'll have to say nothing and when she is home, look out for anything which would make you think that she could be negatively impacted by this. There's a thread on here just now, written by an woman older than 19, asking "why do men sleep with me but not want to be with me". It can affect your state of mind if men shag you and run. Similarly she might be loving it! When I did it, I loved every minute. So my parents really need not have worried.

I'm 52. I remember everyone shagging each other on a casual basis when I was university 32 years ago.

My youngest is the same age as your dd and when I asked her if she was seeing anybody she replied "not really Dad, I've decided to play the field for a while". Good for her. And good for your dd too. You are being judgmental.

I disagree with the most of the posts here, in the sense that I think it is your duty to raise a safe sex discussion (but not to judge her for the number of partners). You need to explain the full reproductive picture, fertile window (very hard to judge when this is), sperm viability (5 to 7 days), contraception options and risks of each (pill not working if funny tummy etc) as well as the risk of STDs. I had an acquaintance, a gorgeous and vivacious 21 year old engaging in similar behaviour who contracted HIV from a one night stand. Many other friends with unwanted pregnancies. This matters IME. Have the chat. I think probably be honest and say you saw what she said, it was wrong to look but explain that as a mother you don't judge, just want to make sure she is fully informed and that you will then totally butt out. Best of luck.

I would be having the same discussion with a son.

You e missed the boat by a long shot for a safe sex discussion. You should have had it years ago.

If I were your daughter and found out you'd read my personal messages I'd be absolutely livid and it would do serious damage to our relationship, on a long term basis.

In fact, Mu mother did read some personal stuff of mine and I left home over it.

She's still a nosy cow and I've never forgiven her.

That'll teach you to keep your beam out won't it. You should have logged out immediately.
It's giving me the rage on your daughters behalf. How dare you read her private stuff then judge her on it.

OP being protective of your DD doesn’t make you a terrible person but she is nineteen and finding her way.

I can't see things going well if you let on that you have read what she wrote to someone else. It's one thing to ask how things are going socially but how would you propose starting a conversation about her sexual history? (Incidentally she may have exaggerated or minimised so you don't even know if that number is accurate). Try a health chat when you are in the middle of doing something chorey together, has she seen a dentist/ is she registered with a doctor - general stuff.

I've read on MN about our DCs leaving home and moving out of our control, posters say things like we give them roots to grow and wings to fly. Maybe her experiences are so alien to you it's been a shock but it's not up to you to 'fix' her or arrange counselling.

There's no such thing as missing the boat with safe sex discussions. That would be a dereliction of your duty as a mother to think the ship had sailed. Apologise profusely, say you are wrong to read the messages but that you feel you should explain a few things just to make sure she is making informed decisions.

Good god leave her well alone. I do not believe for a second you saw all this accidentally. It is exactly stuff like this why my mum and I had such an awful relationship.
For anyone else commenting that you havent had as many partners.. so what?

You may have read the beginning of a message "accidentally", but there is no way you could have read, and remembered, all those details without doing a loot of deliberate reading.

if my mum had don e that, and then "confronted" me with it, I would have told her to fuck off and mind her own sad business, and then she would not have heard from me in a long, long time.

OP, you breached her trust massively by reading that information. Your duty as her mother is not to confront her (she is an adult and has done nothing wrong!) but to keep schtum and suffer in silence. Your own crime, your own penance.

8 partners in a year is less than one a month. Hardly "dropping her knickers every 5 minutes FFS!.

I understand your worries OP. But she's an adult now, entitled to her privacy, and it really is none of your business.

I was unbelievably promiscuous at Uni. That was ten years ago now. Your daughter has slept with eight people. That doesn't seem a high figure to me. If my parents had known, no doubt they would have been horrified. But I made the choices I did for my own reasons (poor self worth being one, and a highly restrictive childhood another). I was young and finding my way. They were my choices to make. I knew the risks and I protected myself. Ten years later I'm married with DC, and living quite a boring normal life! That your daughter is engaging in a few casual flings doesn't indicate that she's going off the rails. She'll be fine. I know you're worried and feeling protective, but you do need to step back and let her live. It's nothing to do with you.

At 19 I'd probably had 8 or so one night stands. I would have gone mad if my mum had read my messages and tried to organise counselling because I wanted to have sex with some blokes! In my opinion you need to trust her and if she wants help let her come to you.

I was at university 16 years ago and it was common for men and women to sleep around, some of my close friends did and we are now all normal functioning adults.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. You have found out something about your child that is causing you worry. I think you could be on to something about her being hurt so having sex with others to try and help herself but you won't know until you talk to her.

Someone saying they've had loads more than eight sexual partners is irrelevant and ridiculous. It means nothing.

I'd be talking to her generally and if you can be sure to stay calm, tell her what happened and offer support and advice if she wants it. All low key and if she says she doesn't want to talk, leave it.

I think the moment I realised I was reading about my daughter's sex life, I'd log off immediately. The only thing more Eeeewwwww than knowing about your parents' sex life is knowing about your kid's. Just Yuck Yuck Yuck.

Please try not to worry.
Amongst my university friends this was pretty normal, having started sexual relationships around 16/17. Unless she's very emotionally vulnerable or naive in other ways these are decisions she's made herself. Try not to be too judgy, it's a pity you cannot 'under' what you've read.

'Unsee'

There was a thread here a while ago that involved a couple setting up one lot of their parents, by hiding material about emigrating to Australia in the drawer of a bedside cabinet, knowing that the parents would snoop. Might your daughter have done the same here - deliberately left the computer logged in, knowing you'd be likely to read stuff given the opportunity and setting the conversation up?

Like others have said, her sex life doesn't concern you. If you have the sort of relationship where she considers you a good person to support her, then she might talk to you about this/related issues. But she probably won't. People who aren't our parents are better at supporting us around sex type issues.

Brain development is not agreed upon definitively. There are some very mature 19 yr olds and some not so much and that's more usually down to parenting rather than brain development.

At 19 I'd only slept with one person and was engaged to them, with hindsight it was ridiculous to think I'd met 'the one' so young and was more likely an escape route from my hideous home life! It would actually have done me good to sow some wild oats!!

My friends of the same age ran the gamut from virgins until late 20's to way more promiscuous than op's daughter. All are happy and relatively mentally healthy now.

As for safe sex, contraception and consent education that should be done way before 19. The average age of first time sex is 16 and 1/3 of girls have sex before then! IMO if you leave that till any time after 13 at the latest you're not doing a great job as a parent!

I also returned to uni as a mature student and was friendly with the younger ones and agree not only totally normal behaviour but if anything pretty tame compared to most! 8 in 6 months is nothing, many of not most are out on the pull most weekends unless they're in committed relationships which a few are.

Please, for the love of God, DO NOT tell her you read her messages unless you want to do serious damage to your relationship with her. My mum made some comments about something to do with my sex life which I still haven't fully forgiven her for. And she started trying to interfere - that really got my back up and we had massive arguments to the extent that we barely spoke for a while afterwards. I was in my mid 20s at the time and mature enough to calm down eventually but I think at 19 I would have completely lost it.

I'd be very surprised if you could organise counselling for her. It's something she has to do off her own back seeing as she's legally an adult and any good counsellor would likely tell you to mind your own business.

I don't think you're as liberal minded as you think you are - sounds like you think it's okay in theory for women to enjoy casual sex as long as YOUR daughter isn't one of them. That attitude is understandable to an extent but not really fair on your daughter. Maybe she likes sex but doesn't want a serious relationship? I didn't at 19.

I think you should broach the topic about safe sex and contraception with her as long as you don't get all judgemental on her. That's a reasonable conversation to have and to discuss how she lost her virginity and how it's affected her but ONLY if she told you about this herself and it's not what you read on Facebook. I can't tell from the information you've given us if it's likely down to low self esteem. Does she have a history of depression, complaining about her figure, going on diets, that kind of thing? Does she seem more withdrawn and moody? Was she saying how awful these ONS were and regretted them or just casually mentioned them? If so, then you have a point but otherwise sounds like you're jumping to conclusions.

I definitely would not tell her that I'd read her messages but there is nothing wrong with having a general conversation about being safe when she is next home . I have an older DS who is sexually active and I often just remark about being safe and sensible , he likely ignores most of what I say but hopefully some of it sticks , I don't see it as being nosey - I really don't want to know what he gets up to but I think at that age a reminder doesn't hurt .

She is your dd so it is your business!
I would be very concerned it were my dd.
i would have a gentle talk with her about things.
Speak with her about self esteem, self respect, love, boundaries etc.
She may be forthcoming and tell you, if not I would work out how to bring it up with her.