I'll try to keep to the relevant information here.... Some back story is needed.
Years ago, 15 to be exact, I suffered a trauma. My mental health was affected and nothing was ever resolved relating to the trauma. I self harmed for years since then. I was also physically and emotionally abused by my mother and stepfather. More so from my stepfather.
I met the father of my children when i was 20, shortly fell pregnant so I finally had a good reason to move out. I was with my ex for 6 years and we had 4 children - sadly he was abusive in other ways. No respect for me, wasted all of our money to the point of eviction and then almost a second eviction before i finally got rid of him, after he cheated on me with a school mum.
A year later, i met my DP. convinced i had finally found the one. He wasn't phased by my 4 unruly kids, all 6 and under, and he seemed to adore me.
He accepted my self harm and mental health problems. Coaxed me to open up to him, tell him all. I did. Then he said the problems were too big and i needed professional help. I sought it, only to get let down by the system... Long story short my paperwork was lost. I waited a year from then for treatment to start. In the meantime things got quite bad. He was continuously wanting to know my every thought, the reason behind every mood. He knew I suffered badly with PMT but could never let me be. He would go into these long sulks where he would disappear into the bedroom for days just leaving me to suddenly cope on my own. He became really strict and controlling over my kids. Which i tried to believe they needed a firm hand... But when it got to him making them pick up lentils from the floor as a punishment i knew it had gone too far.
He smoked too much weed.
We booked a holiday to Italy his home country, for the following summer. And then i fell pregnant. I was quite happy. In the good moments, we had talked about a baby and he said i was the only woman he'd ever wanted to have a baby with in his life, so not even his ex wife! But he was devastated by the news. He said we werent ready. He assumed i would think the same. Then when i expressed i didn't, after alot of arguing he told me if i had the baby he probably wouldn't leave, but he would pretend it didnt exist. He wouldn't help me through the pregnancy. I saw no option. I couldn't be a mother of 4 boys, on my own, with a pregnancy to cope with... And then a baby. It wasn't how i wanted it. So i agreed to abort. But i had to wait until after the holiday. So i had to spend 3 more weeks pregnant getting all the symptoms. It was hell. He came with me to the abortion which i thought was quite supportive. But he complained that the women working there were looking at him badly.
6 months later we moved to a new town. It was hard on everyone. I have one child who is autistic and it was most hard on him.
Things hit rock bottom. We argued every single day. Things got violent though not at each other. Apart from one day. I accidentally hit him when flailing my arms during another heated argument when he was in my face, and he called the police. Then i ended up almost arrested. I think they could tell he lied to them... As he told them i punched him. Walked over to him and punched him.
It all seems to stupid now. He left for a bit after that. Social services got involved but they were satisfied i was okay and the kids were fine.
He was gone 3 months. He stopped the smoking just before he left as i stopped letting him have money for it.
He didn't work you see. As soon as he moved in with me (6 months after we had met) he stopped working.
But he got a job when he moved out. He went 300 miles away. We talked alot and agreed some things needed to change. He came back after 3 months. Promises of no more smoking and getting a job. So far, 6 months later, he smokes again and theres no job. We just live on benefits.
I still want the baby. Some days. I sometimes think it will make me happy enough to not care about the stuff he does.
He is not as strict with the kids now, but some stuff still happens that i dont like. But he says i need to treat him as if the kids are his own, otherwise its not fair. He says i can't just pick and choose when i want his help or advice. He says he doesn't have to check on me so why should I check on him?
He says he wants a baby lots now, we talk about names and everything, but we have to wait. I feel like he uses it as a bargaining tool. Every time i have a bad moment, we have to wait longer for it.
I finally got treatment for my problems, a great psychologist really helped me since we moved, and i feel much better.
But my DP met my psychologist and doesn't like him. Doesn't like the suggestions he made about our relationship problems, and even accused him of fancying me.
I must admit lately, i have been less patient with his moods. Less patient with his lack of activity, and lack of motivation. I get exasperated that he naps every day. I get annoyed that he never does much around here.
I'd like to change my lifestyle, I'd like to drive. I've always wanted to drive. And he never has. Until i express the desire to and now he wants to learn simultaneously... Making it almost impossible to pay for both of us and save for a car.... Maybe it seems trivial?
I hope i didnt jump around too much... Does this all make sense?