my mother just asked me not to talk about my job over christmas....

[AnguaVonUberwald]

Now my family are extremly left wing. I am a lefty myself, by any normal standards, and my family consider me right wing, thats how left wing they are.

I started a new job two weeks ago, which deals with immigrants and asylum seekers (won't go into anymore detail as too traceable).

My mother, when I told here I was taking the job said: "I really think you should take it, but I hope you don't mind that I won't admit to my friends what you actually do."

So today we were discussing christmas, and she said: "I don't think you should talk about your new job at christmas."
I said: "Oh, do you think it will upset people"
And she said: "I think they might upset you with what they say"

Now. Firstly she is right. I might well get a load of abuse etc, for what I do. But my problem with this is, this is from my family, and I am a fair minded, reasonable and left wing person. So if these people give me abuse for my job, its through their ignorance, rather than because of me or my job.

Isn't not mentioning it, pandering to them? It also makes me feel like my mum is ashamed of what I do.

To be fair, my mum genuinly doesn't want trouble over christmas as she will be the one smoothing it all over.

Opinions please!

Are you helping asylum seekers or prosecuting them? What sort of problem would people have with your job?

It sounds like she's trying to avoid others upsetting you with daft comments and opinions which could be quite hurtful given that you have personal experience and know they might well be talking bull.
It might be pandering to them to a degree but could you make an exception to keep the peace

working for the government!!! - its the kind of job where people always have a view - either "you let too many in" - or "you don't let in the persecuted who need help"

it's christmas, i'd keep the peace. are you spending christmas at your mother's?

under normal circumstances i'd be open about it, take their comments on, give as good as you get.

Hooloagril. Its funny isn't it, its not that I mind keeping the peace - maybe these things are just more complicated when they come from our mothers!!

Dizybinterwonderland - yep spending christmas at my mothers - DPs first christmas with my family, so do want it to go well. and I really don't mind keeping the peace
I guess I just feel she could be saying to the trouble makers "don't cause trouble about AVU's job, rather than telling me not to mention it."

Well, im sure you arent going to spend all christmas chatting about your new job and nothing else!

i dont see why you should lie as such if people ask.

You might be able to be vague at first though - if you wanted, by simply saying you have a job in the civil service.

If they persist, well - tell them. If they want to discuss it "in depth", remind them that its christmas and you are not at work and would rather talk about something "fun" instead.

You cant be any 'fairer' than that to you mum.

I know what you mean, like why hasn't she told all them not to say anything to upset you!
Mothers eh!
Anything for a quiet life!

I think she might have a point. I mean if you and she both think you might get upset then what is the point in bringing it up, just incase? Wouldn't it be nice just to all get on for one day, enjoy the spirit of xmas and smile and be merry? Normally at any other time you would have every right to discuss whatever you like but it would be a shame to end up upset on xmas day. It's one day and one we all build up for for months so why not make it as peaceful and enjoyable as you can? If that means biting your tounge for one day of the year then bite your tounge, will that really hurt? Just my opinion.

fwiw, i used to be a bank manager and was very careful who i metioned that to for all the comments i got about it, ranging from..i was stealing all their money, sky high charges, call centres in india, bank managers too young these days, queues etc etc etc. did my head right in.

You could say the official secrets act means you can't talk about it..... anyway you're probably not allowed to talk about it except in general terms as it is. They might then think you're a spy, a double agent, make some jokes about poisonings then....

When I'm with people of different views I just judge the situation. I always try to comment if something I find morally repugnant is said or done - like someone hits a child or is racist or whatever but to keep families happy at Christmas just try not to get into arguments.

..anyway I thought the left and righg agreed on this. We have a falling birth rate and need more immigrants. Immigrants have universally improved this country always. What we don't want is illegal ones who break the rules. Right and left both want to ensure that anyone facing torture etc abroad can shelter here but those who are making it up don't. I don't see why helping to enforce sensible rules is wrong. It aids immigrants.

ITs funny because at work we have just been discussing how we avoid saying what we do. i.e. If we say what we actually do, everyone has very strong opinions, and wants to talk about it, if we say "civil service" then everyone is desperatly hoping you won't go on about it.

Something about the situation with my family just feels difficult to me though. Maybe its that they will assume I am "being a tool of the facist dictator", rather than respecting the fact that I am a fair, grownup, who does actually have morals etc! and wouldn't do this job if I thought it was just evil and sending people back to suffer!!

Xenia - my family are VERY left wing, especially my father - who is also very hypocritical (i.e. doesn't belive in home ownership, wouldn't look at details of the first flat I ever bought, but owns two properties!!!)

OK, guess I have answered my own question, they are children, its up to me to be the grown up. And my mother will never admit that my father (step) is wrong!!

"I am a civil servant, I've just stated a new job"

If pressed further "I don't want to talk about work - it's Christmas."

Who wants to have political arguments at Christmas, especially with people who know nothing about it?

Wethreebobkings. Its not that I want to have political arguments over christmas, especially with my family, given their,... "views"
Its just that, well, I have this exiting, interesting new job, and it would be nice to be able to talk about it.

Hmm. I'd be pissed off with my mum. I wouldn't be able to help it, I just would, I'd want her to be proud of me. but that's not much help. So I wouldn't lie but I wouldn't argue about it either.

WickedWinterwitch. I guess I just want her to be interested - rather than my job being a shameful secret! ( or at least that is what it feels like). Plus I am not stupid - I wasn't going to bring up the really contentious bits of it!!!

I work in a deeply unpopular area of medecine,('nuff said....neither do I want to be identified, there are too few of us...), my in-laws 'love' having a doctor d-in-l,( their son, my DH is in an entirely 'respectable' area of medecine), they would always intro me as being in 'a similar line of work to Andrew',( DH )...sort of ish true ? but....I usually stay stum, especially at xmas..not really sure why...

DPs entire family, when phoning recently, have asked: How is the new job, what is happening etc. Apart from my mother, no-one in my family have mentioned it, apart from one of my brothers also saying "you will be careful what you say over christmas, won't you!".

The funny bit is that my family don't really approve of DH's job either (something entirely different from mine)

Hmmm, maybe this is why we went to DP's family for christmas last year! and have seen them much more in the last 12 months than my family!

Mozhe - I think we try and keep the peace - but some part of us does resent it!

Oh I wasn't suggesting you'd say anything controversial, I was sympathising because I think your mum should be proud of you and it's a shame she's not (and I feel the same abotu my mum)

I think you should mention it if it comes up, but be prepared (as I'm sure you will be). You should probably warn your mum too, but it does sound like she's just trying to keep the peace. remind her that the thing you think is going to kick off at xmas is rarely the thing that does.

I take it you've bought everyone right-on oxfam type prezzies this year?

also it might help to remind her/them that someone has to do the job, and isn't it better that itr's someone sympathetic like you and not some bastard?

sorry, that's probably obvious.