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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my mother just asked me not to talk about my job over christmas....

59 replies

AnguaVonUberwald · 12/12/2006 20:14

Now my family are extremly left wing. I am a lefty myself, by any normal standards, and my family consider me right wing, thats how left wing they are.

I started a new job two weeks ago, which deals with immigrants and asylum seekers (won't go into anymore detail as too traceable).

My mother, when I told here I was taking the job said: "I really think you should take it, but I hope you don't mind that I won't admit to my friends what you actually do."

So today we were discussing christmas, and she said: "I don't think you should talk about your new job at christmas."
I said: "Oh, do you think it will upset people"
And she said: "I think they might upset you with what they say"

Now. Firstly she is right. I might well get a load of abuse etc, for what I do. But my problem with this is, this is from my family, and I am a fair minded, reasonable and left wing person. So if these people give me abuse for my job, its through their ignorance, rather than because of me or my job.

Isn't not mentioning it, pandering to them? It also makes me feel like my mum is ashamed of what I do.

To be fair, my mum genuinly doesn't want trouble over christmas as she will be the one smoothing it all over.

Opinions please!

OP posts:
ClementClarkeMoore · 12/12/2006 21:35

"To be fair, my mum genuinly doesn't want trouble over christmas as she will be the one smoothing it all over."

so?

blueshoes · 12/12/2006 22:03

mozhe, I appreciate you don't want to blow cover, but I am sitting here scratching my head trying to think of any area of medicine that is "deeply unpopular"?

mummytolittlebear · 12/12/2006 22:06

I can completely understand as brother is immigration officer & friend is asylum seeker - lawyer. Why not say your work for civil service , linkled to transport & help people get home???

madamez · 12/12/2006 22:28

SYmpathies. I've had a lot of "don't tell people what you do" over the years from my family (we'll just call it specialist publishing). It does rather grate: I always loved my job even though it had faults (what job doesn't?)

mozhe · 13/12/2006 00:01

blueshoes, it is a very specialized area that members of public probably wouldn't ever realize existed,but let's just say if 'Daily Mail' readers ever knew....I'm not being secretive but few people, let alone women work in this area.
When I decided to specialize and m-in-l got wind of it she just said,' I suppose you could change later, and become a baby doctor...'

unknownrebelbang · 13/12/2006 00:24

DH, a copper, has spent many an evening informing people he works for the legal department of the local council, lol.

Interesting thread. Said DH is going on attachment in the new year, doing something with immigration and we've both kept it quiet generally as it is such a hot political subject.

WethreebobKings · 13/12/2006 01:04

I know lots of policemen who are vague at parties - also Doctors who say "I work at the hospital".

My husband works in insurance and he keeps very quiet about it.

So I agree that the main issue is that your mum isn't proud of you, as opposed to what you do.

speedySleighmamahohoho · 13/12/2006 08:51

I think you should take your mothers advice. Its not worth the grief you will get, particularly at this time of year.

I don't talk about my job to anyone because my mother advised me not to. Apparently some of my siblings and extended family are quite resentful of my education and professional job. When I got my new job after completed my PhD, I use to go home and tell them all the exciting things I was doing. I was not bragging, I was just telling them about my life naively thinking that they would be interested. One brother told my mother after I had left that he could not stand people who became too bigheaded. This brother is older, left school with nothing and works as an unskilled labourer. That was 15 years ago and I have not discussed my career with any of some since (and they do not ask even though I always take an interest in what they are doing).

I've recently become a Non-Executive Director at a NHS Trust and my mother told not to mention it to my family because of the extra resentment it will breed. C'est la vie, I'm afraid.

blueshoes · 13/12/2006 09:47

mozhe, unpopular in a Daily Mail way?? arghhhh, my head is going to explode. I have a few doctors in my family and have a special interest in medicine. Oh well, I shall twist in the wind of my ignorance .... or you could CAT me a teensy clue without giving too much away ...

Sorry to OP for this tangent!

santasweetdreamer · 13/12/2006 09:56

the op reminded me of the woman in little britain who's sick when she sees a black person!

santasweetdreamer · 13/12/2006 09:58

be proud of what you do, it sounds stressful enough!

wanderingstar · 13/12/2006 10:01

Reconstructive surgery following sex change ? That wouldn't be very Daily mail would it ?

Don't answer...if you don't want to.

Judy1234 · 13/12/2006 10:01

Liked the advice below of just saying new job in civil service and if they asked say it's Christmas, let's talk about something else. Also depends on your family. Some extended families' family dynamic is huge exciting debate and disagreement, everyone talking at once round the table loving the controversy. Some sit there picking at their food in almost a stony silence tripping carefully around the difficult areas.

Judy1234 · 13/12/2006 10:03

On the issue of people in families having different lives I suppose we all need not to thrust down the throats of other family members at Christmas things that are better for us than them or (thinking of someone in my family here......) not go on about how awful our lives are so much. Tact rules.

mummydoc · 13/12/2006 12:19

i would be very upset if i hada new exciting job which i loved and my family abused me about it, i would be very tempted if it came up to start a "discussion" as i really cannot stand the type of hypocrisy you describe, it would be lovel y to think that some of their more extreme views maybe changes by you explaining what exactly you do but i doubt htis, by the way do you very left wing relatives work ?? and in what jobs ?? i am very confrontational so htat probably explains my stance !! oh and blueshoes i think mohze might do something in forensic medicine and so rightly needs to be quite anonymous - i on theother hand am a lowly GP and don't need to worry about being contentious hence nickname.

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/12/2006 17:45

Thanks for the responses, I had to logoff yesterday and get ready for training on the new job again!!

I think the thing is that i find the new job really interesting and exiting, plus its a complete career change for me, so its a big thing in my life and I would love to be able to talk about it a bit at christmas - not showing off, just telling funny stories, a bit about what I do etc.

Mummydoc - of the possibly difficult relatives: 1 "writes", one "studies" and one is working as a tennis coach - no, not exactly what you would call traditional work. They don't approve of what DP does either!!!

OP posts:
PrincessPeaHead · 13/12/2006 17:56

As an aside, is anyone else wondering why, if she is in fact a doctor (even of a specialism that is so obscure she'd have to kill you if you found out about it), Mozhe has misspelt "medicine" twice?

Just me? OK then...

PrincessPeaHead · 13/12/2006 17:58

oh and anyway she said she was a psychiatrist previously, or is this the sort of job that scares daily mail readers to bits? double

SenoraPostrophe · 13/12/2006 18:01

well, presumably MI5 have psychiatrists and psychiatrists are usually doctors.

I used to know a man who always just said he worked in the civil service if you asked him about his job. we assumed he was a spy.

PrincessPeaHead · 13/12/2006 18:04

she said it was deeply unpopular so that she couldn't say what she was at family gatherings.
and that there were so few of them if she told us what it was we would know who she was.

I don't think "hello, I'm a psychiatrist" really falls into that description...!

Judy1234 · 13/12/2006 19:03

I don't talk about my job to family because all therest of them are psychiatrists just about(!) and no one asks me about work anyway. I suppose it's this question of trying to achieve harmony and peace and love between all men at Christmastide and to what extent we pander to tip toe around so as not to hurt people's feelings and when as a matter of principle we have to stand our ground.

blueshoes · 13/12/2006 19:45

AVU, isn't your mum assuming that your family with disapprove though? If I were your relative, I thought the fact that you are working in this area would be a great opportunity to find out more about specific cases and how it all works. I do think it will be very interesting (as you are finding it), rather than controversial.

Are your relatives shouty and knee-jerk judgmental?

BTW, there will only be arguments if both sides won't back down. If you just state your observations and don't press the point too much, surely that won't start WWIII? It is a shame you have been muzzled.

fatwoman · 13/12/2006 19:55

not sure if this is an interesting tit-bit of info you can feed your family with - but I know people who have worked in immigration - specifically in the legal aspect of it and have done so on both "sides". they take an apolitical view concerning the application of existing law. hth

Original poster
AnguaVonUberwald · 13/12/2006 20:04

Blueshoes - unfortunatly certain parts of my family tend to be very shouty and judgemental - while believing that they are openminded!! The problem is that they will start shouting etc pretty much as soon as the subject comes up, and then start having a go at me for it, not let me finish sentences etc!! - Its really not worth the effort, but it feels like such a shame that I can't talk about it, because it is interesting and fun!!

Fatwoman, unfortunatly for some of my family, there is only one way! Their way. Its funny actually because now I know so much more about it, i could really inform them about the reality of the situation, but of course they don't really want to know that!! - It would spoil all their firmly held beliefs

OP posts:
mozhe · 13/12/2006 22:50

PPh/senorawhatty.....I didn't say anything like that.Just made the point, similarish to o/p that my job was also 'shunned' in my DP's v.polite/slightly muffled up family.Also that comment by m-in-l about' baby doctoring ' has always stuck in my gullet and it seemed a perfect opportunity to give it an outing....Thousands of female psychiatrists but if you start naming the area you specialize in then...I'm mindful of the hounding Xenia got a while back....not for me,thanks..Nothing to do with MI5 though...sadly,sounds v.glam
But PPh are you sure those are your kids ?
Sorry re;typos btw....know a psychologist, who never gets that right...

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