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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he grabbed my wrist

56 replies

Stoneagemum · 04/12/2015 23:06

To stop me getting out of the car to walk away from a discussion we have had many times that I have had enough of hearing as we will never agree.

This is the second time he has restrained me from leaving the same discussion in the same situation, last time we were in the car (stationary both times) and still had my belt on so he grabbed the belt to stop me getting out and walking away.

I have said that he has now crossed a line and that we are over, and he is telling me that it was only so I could hear him finish and not walk away before he had said his piece.

He is giving me the script, I know it and I'm trying to be strong, I have done bad things myself and they are now being brought up again.

Am I over reacting or are my instincts correct, is he showing signs of being controlling and physically restraining me from walking away is a sign of an abusive type man?

I was so firm when this happened earlier but have received so many texts and phone calls I am now questioning myself.

He says he despises men who hit women (he knows of my past) but I feel he shows the signs of being controlling/abusive.

Is this my radar on overdrive or is he a no no?

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 04/12/2015 23:19

You are not overreacting.

He's abusive and controlling. Follow your instinct and get rid of him.

You can do better than this, you really can!

Flowers
Original poster
Stoneagemum · 04/12/2015 23:36

I need to see him this weekend to get my key back and exchange any belongings we have of each other's, he was so into us not slitting up earlier in the evening then he got nasty/sarcastic about it saying do I need somebody with me in case he is "controlling" again. I just want a clean break and the key to my door back. I think the later messages are just make pride speaking ' it is all your fault' etc but when he is hassling for money for a weekend away we had over 12 months ago etc would it be better just to get into debt to have the licks changed?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 04/12/2015 23:44

You don't need his permission to end the relationship - he's made you feel threatened, you don't like his behaviour, you have every right to walk away (literally and metaphorically!)

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 04/12/2015 23:46

I'd change the locks.

It's easy. Loads of tutorials on YouTube.

Fuck your key, he may have copied it anyway.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 04/12/2015 23:53

Hadn't thought of changing the lock myself, is it something I could do with the help of YouTube. & equpment from B&Q?

It is a standard door key with the key turn bit in the fitting part below the handle. You have to turn the key to lock the door and it engages 'locks' at the top of the door too

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 00:35

Yes. Same as my door and I changed my own lock.

Bought one from B&Q. £10ish. Locksmith wanted £90+ - fuck that.

You need a Euro Cylinder lock. Mine's a Yale one.

WombOfOnesOwn · 05/12/2015 00:37

The man's a bad one, drop him.

That having been said -- what argument was oh-so-important to this man that he thought physical restraint was necessary? I'm curious. I find that men of this sort often have specific things you're "not allowed" to say to them or "not allowed" to believe.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 00:37

Thanks King, do I need to measure anything before I head off to B&Q in the morning? I don't fancy 2 trips to town

OP posts:
Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 00:39

Womb, it's about my best friend calling him when I fell asleep on there sofa after a night of wine and gossip to pick me up. Apparently a good friend would of just left me there for the night

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 00:44

Measure the width of your door and the size of the key hole bit.

Take a photo of your door on your phone and find a nice B&Q man to help you.

Then look up 'replace euro cylinder' on YouTube.

You'll also need a screwdriver.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 00:47

Screwdriver, tape measure & camera check, just need the nice B&Q assistant in the morning then

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 00:51

m.youtube.com/watch?v=X9A915L_mlk

This kind of lock, yes?

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 01:02

That's exactly it King thank you for the video I can do that in the morning no problem.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 01:11

It's really easy.

I managed it and I'm the very definition of incompetence.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/12/2015 01:59

Take photos of the lock outside and in and make a note of any make/model number. To change the barrel of most yale-type locks you'll need flat head and philips screwdrivers and a small hacksaw. A can of WD40 is useful for easing any screws that may have become stiff with age and for oiling the mechanism after you've changed the barrel - spray the new key before inserting it into the lock.

I suggest you familiarise yourself with a few youtube tutorials or ehow to guides before you make a trip to B&Q or your nearest hardware shop so that you won't be phased by any handy tips you're given by helpful staff members.

You may find that taking photos as you disassemble the existing lock and remove the barrel will serve as a guide to replacing it.

It's one of those jobs that's easier to do than describe and you'll feel a sense of achievement after successfully changing your first lock barrrel. Smile

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 07:53

Ok, so it looks like I'm covered in the lock. I'm getting a load of texts re when he is coming over, saying its Sunday now to "give me more time to have someone with me". Is it me or does that sound intimidating? He is also still demanding money from over 12 months ago that I do not have.

OP posts:
Cinnamon2013 · 05/12/2015 07:56

Trust your instincts. You deserve better than this.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 08:00

My instincts say I do not want him coming round at all, but how to stop him?

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 08:03

Why does he want to come over?

Tell him to give you some space.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/12/2015 08:05

Once you've got your new lock in just ignore the door.

Cloppysow · 05/12/2015 08:06

Change the lock, tell him not to come, have someone there just in case he does.

Cookingongas · 05/12/2015 08:09

Change lock ( it's very easy- 1 screw to undo, measure your lock - as they come in different sizes 40:10:50 being most common, but some are 45:10:40 etc and buy replacement easy and cheap done within an hour including shopping timeGrin)

Put his shit in a box to the side if the door and don't answer should he knock. Block his number to avoid future hassle from him. Wrote off anything he has of yours as collateral. Get in with your life without this arsehole in it.

Cloppysow · 05/12/2015 08:12

What cookingongas said

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 08:20

Ok deal is stay strong, head to town and get a new lock following the advice above and block his number.

There is no one who an be here tomorrow just my 2 teenage kids as usual.

OP posts:
mummytime · 05/12/2015 08:33

Teenage kids might be good enough. Just make sure your mobiles are charged. Ask him to leave, and if he won't phone the police.

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