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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he grabbed my wrist

56 replies

Stoneagemum · 04/12/2015 23:06

To stop me getting out of the car to walk away from a discussion we have had many times that I have had enough of hearing as we will never agree.

This is the second time he has restrained me from leaving the same discussion in the same situation, last time we were in the car (stationary both times) and still had my belt on so he grabbed the belt to stop me getting out and walking away.

I have said that he has now crossed a line and that we are over, and he is telling me that it was only so I could hear him finish and not walk away before he had said his piece.

He is giving me the script, I know it and I'm trying to be strong, I have done bad things myself and they are now being brought up again.

Am I over reacting or are my instincts correct, is he showing signs of being controlling and physically restraining me from walking away is a sign of an abusive type man?

I was so firm when this happened earlier but have received so many texts and phone calls I am now questioning myself.

He says he despises men who hit women (he knows of my past) but I feel he shows the signs of being controlling/abusive.

Is this my radar on overdrive or is he a no no?

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 05/12/2015 12:47

Wow changing a lock is super easy.

Penfold007 · 05/12/2015 13:08

You have every right to end the relationship. If you owe him money you need to pay him back, is there someone who could lend it to you? Change the locks it really is easy and if you do agree to meet him having a witness is a great idea.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 13:53

The lock is changed, it was super easy and took less than 5 mins to do.

I do not owe him any money, he decided last night that he wanted me to pay for a weekend away that we took with his and my children in sept 2014 that he paid for. He has also asked for a gift from last Christmas back.

He is now blocked on my mobile after demanding things via text this morning. Now I have a couple of emails in a nice tone asking me to call him.

OP posts:
sapphirestars · 05/12/2015 19:34

Good for you stoneage. He sounds a right prick. My boyfriend has never restrained me by the arm and we've been together 9 years! Don't let him fool you into thinking it's normal. It's not. You sound strong and capable. Be proud of yourself.

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 19:44

He sounds a massive prick and you're definitely doing the right thing.

Thanks to this thread I now know I can change a lock myself (probably, LOL.) Good to know for the future instead of paying extortionate locksmith fees!

whostheJohnsonnow · 05/12/2015 19:46

You've done the right thing OP.

I had a BF years back who one day restrained me like yours did. That then escalated to dragging me back into rooms by my wrists when I tried to walk away from arguments.

It culminated in him dragging me back into the bedroom one night, putting his hands on my throat and the knocking me to the ground. He then banged me off the floor repeatedly whilst screaming that he would "fucking kill me"

The mental scars are still with me 10+ years down the line. Be proud of yourself for making a stand so early on. Best of luck for your futureSmile

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 19:48

Meant to say, the argument itself was so trivial and certainly nothing that in a million years required him to try to restrain you. IMO the only reason to try to stop someone walking away is if you fear they are going to harm themselves or someone else. If you'd shouted "You're right, and I'm going over to my BFF's house right now to smash that bitch in the face!" he might have had call to grab you - to stop you getting arrested.

Preventing someone from walking away or leaving a room is actually a common indicator for someone who'll escalate into more violent behaviour. It's incredibly controlling and disrespectful behaviour from anyone, let alone someone who professes to love you.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 05/12/2015 20:04

He has ground me down I have spoken to him but I know he is trying to minimise but it is so difficult. He is trying all the guilt trip scripts, I AM NOT THE COUSE OF HIS PROBLEMS

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 05/12/2015 20:17

You are not, and that will be much clearer once you're free of him and have had a few days with no contact.

Joysmum · 06/12/2015 10:32

Youre not his problem, try to remember you're not his answer either. Don't let yourself get sucked back in Flowers

BlissfullyUnknown · 06/12/2015 10:37

Block his email too. Ignore him! Do you actually need the stuff he has of yours?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/12/2015 10:40

That argument sounds soul destroying. He wanted to push you to the point of admitting your friend was wrong, so he can use it as evidence that she is a bad friend. He probably doesn't like her 'influence' on you. Isolating you from friends is a typical abuser's tactic.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 12/12/2015 00:01

Grrr hotmail is shite at blocking. He is still getting emails to me, at least now they are going straight to deleted, after days of trying to block them. He is now giving me sob stories. Hopefully my last setting change had worked.

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2015 12:25

Do you have things at his place then? And he has things at yours? Do you trust him to bring all your things if he comes over?

Stay strong.

pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 12:49

Hotmail?! All the cool kids have Gmail now you know Wink

And it's way better at blocking!

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 12/12/2015 14:44

It gets worse o have just got back from town, he saw me, chased after me, grabbed me by the arms to prevent me from walking away at one point and followed me down the street despite me telling him loudly to go away and leave me alone.

I have called 101 and am waiting for a police officer to call me. I am shaky and crying. I just want him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 15:44

Dear god, you poor thing OP, he is an absolute shit isn't he.

Have a Brew with some real sugar. is anyone there with you? Can you call a friend or family member to come over and support you?

Well done on calling police. Push them for action, he needs to stay the FUCK away from you on pain of arrest.

You now know that your fears were well-founded and those red flags you'd been seeing were for real. So as a positive, tell yourself "well done" for not falling into the trap of "well he's not as abusive as my previous partner, so he must be okay" - god knows it's easy enough done.

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 12/12/2015 15:44

The police have been to see me, take a statement, and they are going to speak to him and tell him to leave me alone. I hope this is the end of it.

I am impressed with the police response an officer visited me at home about an hour after I made the call to 101.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stoneagemum · 12/12/2015 15:46

Thanks pocket, I am on my own at the moment, but I am going over to my friends later so I can unload to her.

OP posts:
LondonStill83 · 12/12/2015 15:47

How awful for you StoneAgeMum!

You are being so strong.

He sounds a right cunt!

pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 15:51

So glad to hear the police were responsive. Hope you have a good time with your friend tonight. Flowers

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/12/2015 16:02

Do you still have any of his belongings OP?

Original poster
Stoneagemum · 12/12/2015 16:08

No I don't have any of his belongings, nor him mine. He turned up last Sunday (yes after me telling him not too) with the couple of things he had and I passed his back to him at the same time.

OP posts:
Jux · 12/12/2015 19:40

The police chat with him should be enough to keep him well away from you. Have no hesitation in calling them again should he turn up, though.

Glad you have all your stuff, and that lock was so easy to sort. You do rock!

Have a great Christmas [santa]

MuttonWasAGoose · 12/12/2015 19:48

You're doing great!

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