I feel sick and sad

[thishasjusthappened]

My daughter age 5 has been ill this eve with a high temp. 8pm took some calpol which she hates and goes to bed. Wakes up at 10pm temp over 38, shaking, moaning. I say "she needs some neurofen as well to bring temp down". dh replies "well I'm not going at this time I've got work tomorrow". So I say "so you would send me out at 10pm on my own?" We live in a quiet village nearest supermarket open at this time is 15 min drive away. dh replies "I've got to be up for work" I start looking for my clothes etc then dh convinces me dd is cooling down and doesn't need anymore medicine.

We fall asleep, dd wakes up at midnight temp 38, red hot to touch etc I get her to take 5 ml of Calpol reluctantly, she hates the taste and after 45 mins still hasn't taken the full dose (she needed 10ml) dh says "fuck sake, I'll have to go and get some Neurofen" and starts putting on his clothes. I nod and say "I think she needs it" once dressed dh tells me in an angry tone "I'm not happy about this" and stares at me in the eyes, I'm quite shocked by this and reply "I've not done anything, I haven't asked you to go out" he then gives a sarcastic "oh yes" I think I replied something like "You said you were going out to get Neurofen, It's not my fault" another sarcastic "yes, yes, whatever I can tell it's what you're saying" in a very unpleasant tone. I can't remember exact words here as I was flabbergasted at how he was behaving, I said something along the lines of "why are you behaving like this, your daughter is ill, I haven't done anything wrong" another sarcastic angry unpleasant response from him muttering "oh no of course you've not" I can't remember exactly what he said but I felt so bewildered, shocked that he could act so coldly in such a situation. I asked him why he was doing this and he left.

hang on though, equally her DH could have either refused with a good grace or done it with a good grace. Maybe Op was genuinely surprised he was so cross about getting medicine for a sick child? Either way, I don't think she's coming back to the thread.

What has going to work in the morning got to do with anything?

OP should have gone out and got the damn medicine. You were very PA, OP.

Absolutely, YouGotta

My mother was an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive martyr and this is exactly the sort of thing she did.

I actually grew up believing that we were all victims of my dad's foul temper. My mother spent a lot of time in tears and battling on regardless.

It was only after they split up and we realised that my dad's temper had completely disappeared and he never had so much as a cross word or raised voice with us or his second family. Whereas the emotional abuse in my mother's house escalated once there was one less person to abuse and we bore the full brunt of it.

My sibling and I are now NC with her.

There was only one abuser in my family. The other one experienced frustration at the whims if a controlling manipulator and her passive aggressionn and handled it badly.
Don't assume it's always the woman who is the victim.

Anyway, surely with a small child you should just keep the cupboard well stocked with all the medicine you might need. I did.

Can you also walk on water, and part the sea.

I have to say I do think your were very precious about driving on country roads. If my child was sick and my husband had to go to work I'd be getting in the car. My concern for my child would over ride my nerves. I too live in the middle of nowhere.

I think you've also used very inflammatory language 'stared at me straight in the eye' that is quite self serving and over dramatic. You sound passive aggressive in how you handle conversations. That said we weren't there so really don't know.

I agree with sansora I think you need to work on your communication skills with each other rather than playing the blame game.

I am rather sorry for the children of the posters who send them to school with that temperature! I had 38.5 myself a few weeks ago and felt pretty ill, doctor put me onto antibiotics immediately. I would be taking good care of my children if they were that unwell! I think the op probably has bigger issues in her marriage than this one example but can see how the passive aggressive element of her behaviour here would be annoying. You really did imply rather strongly he should go op, but that doesn't excuse his being nasty after he talked you out of it.

I agree with Hesterton you both need to own what happened. It would be great to go over your stocks of medicines, plasters, etc. It might help if you were to overcome your unease about driving at night in your locality. The style of communication was also unhealthy. But I also agree that 'his aggression was unfair' he was aggressive and this wasn't normal bickering.

Staring, sarcasm, unpleasant tone -- according to the OP, the hostility and blaming that she experienced last night was not an isolated incident. When someone behaves like this more than once or twice then that is abusive.