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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick and sad

84 replies

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 01:33

My daughter age 5 has been ill this eve with a high temp. 8pm took some calpol which she hates and goes to bed. Wakes up at 10pm temp over 38, shaking, moaning. I say "she needs some neurofen as well to bring temp down". dh replies "well I'm not going at this time I've got work tomorrow". So I say "so you would send me out at 10pm on my own?" We live in a quiet village nearest supermarket open at this time is 15 min drive away. dh replies "I've got to be up for work" I start looking for my clothes etc then dh convinces me dd is cooling down and doesn't need anymore medicine.

We fall asleep, dd wakes up at midnight temp 38, red hot to touch etc I get her to take 5 ml of Calpol reluctantly, she hates the taste and after 45 mins still hasn't taken the full dose (she needed 10ml) dh says "fuck sake, I'll have to go and get some Neurofen" and starts putting on his clothes. I nod and say "I think she needs it" once dressed dh tells me in an angry tone "I'm not happy about this" and stares at me in the eyes, I'm quite shocked by this and reply "I've not done anything, I haven't asked you to go out" he then gives a sarcastic "oh yes" I think I replied something like "You said you were going out to get Neurofen, It's not my fault" another sarcastic "yes, yes, whatever I can tell it's what you're saying" in a very unpleasant tone. I can't remember exact words here as I was flabbergasted at how he was behaving, I said something along the lines of "why are you behaving like this, your daughter is ill, I haven't done anything wrong" another sarcastic angry unpleasant response from him muttering "oh no of course you've not" I can't remember exactly what he said but I felt so bewildered, shocked that he could act so coldly in such a situation. I asked him why he was doing this and he left.

OP posts:
Justbatteringon · 04/12/2015 02:47

Why didn't you tell him to wise up.
Say wise up the child's sick and needs medicine. If you don't want to go then I will. And tell him to stop being an arsehole while he's at it.

Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:49

Yes I know it's a bit pathetic a grown woman feeling uneasy driving around country lanes late at night but that's how I felt - I don't get a mobile signal out here.

OP posts:
Moomazoo · 04/12/2015 02:52

I live in the arse end of nowhere too!!!

Tough shit!!!! Either keep your cupboards stocked or be prepared to travel along dark dank roads which will be empty so no real stress!

Stop pearl clutching and let DH sleep and get some nurofen!!!

Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 02:56

DH has been sleeping fine for the past hour and a half!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/12/2015 02:56

I am a single parent and have gone to the all night pharmacy on occasion, in a not too salubrious part of town, to get emergency stuff. I try to keep the medicine cabinet stocked. I do think one of you should have gone and when it was clear it wasn't going to be him then you should have gone.

However, the DH does this game playing with other matters too, apparently, and it is not clear if they do this dance every time.

Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 03:04

I wish I had of gone myself, I made the wrong decision not to based on the fact I had calpol in as a back up and her temp had dropped a little ( I didn't know dd would refuse it two hours later as she didn't like the taste )

OP posts:
Sansoora · 04/12/2015 03:05

OP - what do you want out of this thread?

Its a genuine question.

Im sorry, really, but as soon as you said you didn't want to drive along country roads at night you probably made a lot of posters think "WTH' her wee one is sick and thats all she can think of. And do you think its possible your husband is fed up of how you cant face the roads at night alone - it must be quite a bummer.

Please dont take the comments about 'well stocked medicine cabinets to heart' - sometimes we do just run out and forget to replace things.

Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 03:15

I was going to go, I was getting dressed. If I thought it necessary there was no way I would let it stop me going. Like I said, I made the wrong decision based on the fact I knew I had calpol in that dd could take again in 2 hours and that her temp had started to go down.

I'm going to leave it at this as I just seem to keep banging on about the same thing.

The thread was about my dh reaction/behaviour once we knew we needed the neurofen.

Thanks to all who took time to post. Dd is almost asleep so going to try and get some sleep myself before my alarm goes off!

OP posts:
Moomazoo · 04/12/2015 03:15

It's s serious case of "fuck the Dp"
I keep as prepared as I can ... ( arse end of nowhere living is shit but lovely)
Be prepared. ... Like a brownie

spillyobeans · 04/12/2015 03:21

He is acting silly, but maybe hes annoyed because he thought you should go to the shop to buy it as you dont have early start, how come you dont like going out to shop by yourself? Not having ago just think thats maybe what hes thinking?

Sansoora · 04/12/2015 03:31

OP - don't go.

I think the whole thing was handled badly by both of you from the start because very few people wouldn't be pissed off at having to go on a medicine hunt at late at night. Its the kind of thing that would make you pissed of with yourself for not having the medicine in the cupboard and the kind of thing that would make a partner pissed off have to go and get. I know my husband would have gone to get it and he wouldn't have complained about it but sometimes words just aren't necessary and it would have been they way he was putting his trousers on that showed how he felt - pissed off but stoic. Wink

Maybe its time to have a think about how you interact/communicate with each other under other circumstances because I feel tonight was a two way street when it comes to things being handled badly.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 06:07

To be honest with you, I'd have gone out at 10pm and got the medicine.

You say you didn't ask him to go, but when you said it were necessary and he said he wasn't, you said "oh so you expect me to go on my own?" What at the ungodly hour of... 10pm..? So no, not a direct request, but certainly a bit of passive aggression intended to achieve the same result.

If driving down country lanes at 10pm bothers you so much, move house. Do you really never go out after dark?

You say you were willing to go out and were getting dressed, but you weren't willing to go really. Or you would have said, "I'm going to get some nurofen" and just done it.

He said it wasn't necessary because you already have calpol in and you said , "oh ok", even though you already knew your daughter "hates the taste". If it weren't necessary because you have calpol, why even mention it in the first place?

And then a raft of posts suggesting the husband is a controlling bully? Why? Because he didn't go out at 10pm? Neither did the op.

Maybe he was in the wrong for the way he handled but, they way I read it, this really falls into the territory of 'you started it' when you didn't just say "I'm going out" and go.

As for having a well stocked medicine cabinet, yeah it's a good plan, but we all run out.

I once drove to the closest 24 hour supermarket at 2am to do the same (all on my own).

I'm not sure why it was his responsibility to go.

niceupthedance · 04/12/2015 06:10

Sorry, I would have gone to the shop. I don't think your DP's reaction was out of order. You don't like driving at night - what if he'd given that excuse? MN wouldn't be so understanding I bet.

hesterton · 04/12/2015 06:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manana21 · 04/12/2015 06:22

Otoh if the dh was being unkind and asserting the dd didn't need the nurofen, that didn't help op stick to her guns. When someone is bullying you it's hard to make a clear decision. I don't see why your dh couldn't have gone at 10, yes you could have been prepared but so what, things happen. I do think that you should try not to let your dh's grumpiness affect your decisions if you can though

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 06:26

I don't read any evidence of the husband being a bully in this.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 06:26

After all, the op was the one who got her own way ultimately.

manana21 · 04/12/2015 06:27

Isn't it for op to say if she felt bullied? Hard to clearly interpret one incident certainly I can doubt my own judgment when someone is strongly asserting the opposite in cross tones - whatever you want to call it.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 06:41

Of course.

There are always two sides to every story though. The op has presented this situation in a way that is most sympathetic to her position with in it (as we all do; we all tell the story from our perspective) and, it doesn't matter how many times I read the op, I can't help but think I'd have reacted like the partner. I wonder how many other times she has tried this passive aggressive manipulation (which is what it appears to be) to get her own way.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 06:43

JYou don't like driving at night - what if he'd given that excuse? MN wouldn't be so understanding I bet.

No, he'd still be getting called selfish and probably a 'manchild' to boot.

wallywobbles · 04/12/2015 06:45

To be honest I think I'd be pissed off in your husbands shoes. Did you actually say can you please go and get some? Or just sigh about it?

37.7 or 38 really isn't much of a temperature. Our electronic thermometer doesn't count it as a temperature unless it's over 38.5. Less than that the kids go to school.

If you are scared to go out in a car at 10 in the evening perhaps you should live somewhere more central. Although if you are only 15 mins from a night pharmacy you can't be very rural.

Sorry not helpful but this sounds like a mountain out of a molehill to me.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/12/2015 06:55

When does he get up to go to work? 10pm seems very early to be going to bed. Why didn't you go or was it because you would have to leave dd with your dh and he is incapable of looking after her. Why is getting to bed at 10pm so important to him.

MummyZELC · 04/12/2015 07:03

We live 11 miles away from the nearest 24 hour supermarket - my DH would drive there at 3am if our DD was poorly. Your husband is being an absolute nobhead - parenting doesn't come with a strict timetable. He sounds like a bully to me OP, you are definitely not in the wrong Angry

Potatoface2 · 04/12/2015 07:15

you're both being unreasonable.....to not go out at 10pm to get medicine...for a sick child ....'i got to get up to go to work' and 'i got to get up too, to do the school run' pathetic .....country lanes???.....cant believe im reading this...sounds like you are having 'the competition'...hows your child this morning while you are both being petty !

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 07:20

Why didn't you go or was it because you would have to leave dd with your dh and he is incapable of looking after her.

Incapable? Seriously? Nothing she said has indicated that. She didn't go because she didn't want to either!