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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick and sad

84 replies

thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 01:33

My daughter age 5 has been ill this eve with a high temp. 8pm took some calpol which she hates and goes to bed. Wakes up at 10pm temp over 38, shaking, moaning. I say "she needs some neurofen as well to bring temp down". dh replies "well I'm not going at this time I've got work tomorrow". So I say "so you would send me out at 10pm on my own?" We live in a quiet village nearest supermarket open at this time is 15 min drive away. dh replies "I've got to be up for work" I start looking for my clothes etc then dh convinces me dd is cooling down and doesn't need anymore medicine.

We fall asleep, dd wakes up at midnight temp 38, red hot to touch etc I get her to take 5 ml of Calpol reluctantly, she hates the taste and after 45 mins still hasn't taken the full dose (she needed 10ml) dh says "fuck sake, I'll have to go and get some Neurofen" and starts putting on his clothes. I nod and say "I think she needs it" once dressed dh tells me in an angry tone "I'm not happy about this" and stares at me in the eyes, I'm quite shocked by this and reply "I've not done anything, I haven't asked you to go out" he then gives a sarcastic "oh yes" I think I replied something like "You said you were going out to get Neurofen, It's not my fault" another sarcastic "yes, yes, whatever I can tell it's what you're saying" in a very unpleasant tone. I can't remember exact words here as I was flabbergasted at how he was behaving, I said something along the lines of "why are you behaving like this, your daughter is ill, I haven't done anything wrong" another sarcastic angry unpleasant response from him muttering "oh no of course you've not" I can't remember exactly what he said but I felt so bewildered, shocked that he could act so coldly in such a situation. I asked him why he was doing this and he left.

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 07:22

my DH would drive there at 3am if our DD was poorly. Your husband is being an absolute nobhead - parenting doesn't come with a strict timetable. He sounds like a bully to me OP, you are definitely not in the wrong

Why doesn't the same apply to the op?

Why don't you think she should have had to go out?

Surely her parenting continues after 10pm too!

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 07:24

It's dark be 6pm now, op. Do you seriously not leave the house after dark?

Handywoman · 04/12/2015 07:32

I wonder if the OP got convinced by her OH not to go to the pharmacy because he is a headworker and OP is used to deferring to him, to pacify him? If he has been a bully for years it can undermine your sense of what's right. OP describes a pattern of behaviour here. I call bully. I would have been out like a shot for the nurofen because my dd's temp normally gets much higher in the early hours when she's ill.

OP your husband is a dick. I mean who complains about going out to get nurofen at 10pm for a 5yr old with a temperature FGS.

Joysmum · 04/12/2015 07:45

If mine had said that I'd give him the choice, stay and monitor DD or get the medicine.

It clearly wasn't that much of a big deal at 10pm otherwise the OP would have gone.

manana21 · 04/12/2015 07:49

Agree handy it's the way op abandoned her own judgment which can be a sign of being used to being pushed around l, only op can say. This isn't aibu we're here to support

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 07:53

I might agree, except that she also desctibes a pattern of passive aggressive behaviour on her part. And she ultimately got her own way.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 04/12/2015 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 08:00

Just to clarify, I know I should have gone out after 10pm myself and got the medicine. I have said that and take responsibility for making a bad choice. The reason I was so upset by my dh was not because he wouldn't go and get it but at how he behaved when he did go out at half 1. I don't think the way he acted was normal for a loving relationship. It was clear to me I was getting the brunt/blame. I have also said that this is a regular occurrence, which is perhaps why I have took it so bad whereas the incident on its own isn't that great to anyone else. I don't know, it's been like this for so long it's hard to make sense of it. Hence the reason after a year or so of following threads on this board I made my first post, to get some perspective.

Dd is not good, in discomfort most of night, I have just checked her ears and looks like an ear infection. About to leave to get ds to school then will be getting dd an emergency appointment, so I won't be back on. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
thishasjusthappened · 04/12/2015 08:05

I consider anything over 38 (underarm) to be pretty high with my children, it allways indicates some kind of infection (ear, throat etc) dd was clearly unwell, saying random things and body was shaking. She appeared clearly affected by her temp to me, she was hot to the touch.

OP posts:
YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 04/12/2015 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sansoora · 04/12/2015 08:10

OP dont go justifying your choice to give medication.

If it helps Ive always given it at the first sign of one in order to make my children comfortable should it start to rise a bit.

TooSassy · 04/12/2015 08:10

Op

Some harsh comments on here.
No it isn't normal to bicker like this (I think) if a child is unwell and needs medicine. It's part and parcel of parenting and one person needs to man up and get dressed and get the medicine (irrespective of what's happening the next day).

This is indicative of a bigger issue and as sansoora said, about how you communicate.
You both need to sit down and talk.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/12/2015 08:11

YouGotta yes, that's exactly how it made me feel/what I thought.

Only1scoop · 04/12/2015 08:16

All the 'would you really make me go out at 10 pm in the dark country lanes' or whatever it was ....sounds a bit pathetic.

You thought she needed it. You should have gone. It's the medicine that was important not who fetches it.

Only1scoop · 04/12/2015 08:18

As for his 'I'm not happy with this' staring you in the eyes.

Just state that you're not happy about his shitty attitude towards you and he needs to sort that out.

Handywoman · 04/12/2015 08:26

Some very harsh comments on here. I think OP doesn't know which way is up any more.

38 degree temp is high enough in my kids. Half a calpol dose is insufficient. Having said that. If my dd can't be persuaded to take the meds intend to conclude she's not horrendously ill.

I think OP is on eggshells around her OH. And in these sort of situations when things are tense the worn-down person can be overly passive and it can inflame things. Very unhealthy dynamic all round.

Handywoman · 04/12/2015 08:27

i tend not intend

Whythehellnot · 04/12/2015 08:31

I think this is a completely normal argument. Who wants to go out at 10pm or midnight for medicine? Anyone would be grumpy about it. (I couldn't in your situation, single parent, in the middle of nowhere - I would have got the last of the calpol down her.)

What's important is what your relationship is like the rest of the time, not late at night in the middle of winter with an ill child.

DancingDuck · 04/12/2015 08:34

I'm sorry he was so rude to you. Your DD's temperature should have been his top priority. But I just don't understand why you couldn't go out at 10pm at night to buy it as easily as he could. If it's a 15 min drive away for you then it is for him as well. I don't get it. What makes you unable to buy medicine after dark? Where do you live?

Knottyknitter · 04/12/2015 08:46

Is she on the baby calpol still or the big kids stuff? 10ml is quite a lot, but would she take 5ml of the double strength one?

Hope she's feeling better today.

{misses point of thread}

Youarentkiddingme · 04/12/2015 08:52

There's clearly communication issues in your marriage.

However I'd take from this that if you live the arse end of nowhere, by that I mean 30 minutes round trip and then then purchasing process from medicine you make sure you always have some. It's easy to get paracetamol and ibuprofen with supermarket shop.
You have to be organised - there's plenty of people that have to because of no car, being LP, partners work away etc.

kittybiscuits · 04/12/2015 09:06

Your DH is an arsehole. And a couple of the posters on this thread aren't that far behind him. Does your husband use Mumsnet OP?

Joysmum · 04/12/2015 09:09

I totally agree with potatoface, YouGottaKeepEmSeporated and wallywobbles

ILiveAtTheBeach · 04/12/2015 09:43

Where is open at 1.30pm in a Village?!

Anyway, surely with a small child you should just keep the cupboard well stocked with all the medicine you might need. I did.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 04/12/2015 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.