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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right in thinking he's being a dick???

91 replies

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 16:39

I've posted a couple of times recently about h's behaviour and read lots of things that I'm getting confused with things, questioning lots of stuff but not completely sure I'm right.
Can you help me get this straight in my head before I take the appropriate action to deal with it.
The other day I needed to take a dc to a party, h asked me to change another dc before I went. I agreed and asked him to move the xmas present out of the car while I did it.
The next day he takes dc's out and when he gets there I get a text thanking me for the fact he didn't have a coat because I'd made such a fuss over him taking the present out the day before he now didn't have a coat.
My initial reaction was wtf grow up and take responsibility for your own actions (I didn't make him take coat out of car ) . Apparently I was in the wrong.
I didnt get the opportunity to address this with him till the next day. He claims I am paranoid and read into things the wrong way, he was joking. I know he wasn't and 1 of the dc's told me he'd been cross when he realised he had no coat.
I know it's a trivial matter but there's a pattern of him blaming me for everything and refusing to see/accept any responsibility for his actions.
I've tried to talk to him today and the new one of me being paranoid has come up, we've had to pause as dc's home and needed running around.
I intend to press play again on this tonight, no doubt he'll moan about me dragging things out and trying to pick a fight.
Am I right in thinking he's being a dick and start taking responsibility for his behaviour/actions or am I just trying to pick a fight???

OP posts:

mix56 · 12/12/2015 16:24

So he sent the text, then came home & said nothing & took the kids out....
Did you say anything ?
Do you think he is going to say he was just feeling exasperated because you "nag". & just going to carry on as if this never happened ?
Please make sure you keep a paper trail
HAVE you changed your password ? Make sure he doesn't erase it for you.

re "depression", he can bandy that about as he wishes, but have you been diagnosed by a professional? have you seen a therapist? taken medication ???
If not, you can laugh in his face..... if you are pissed off & miserable it is because he is immature & not pulling his weight.

RiceCrispieTreats · 12/12/2015 16:27

You are SAHP and the kids are well cared for, are they not?

Plenty of people care for children while also dealing with medical issues of their own. The only thing that interests a judge is whether the children are properly cared for.

Littlef00t · 12/12/2015 16:59

Could you go for an mot with the doc and ask if he'd note down that you're fit and well?

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 12/12/2015 17:17

Mix56, he was stood in the kitchen when he text me this morning.
Little I might do that, the less he has to try and throw at me the better.
We came close to separating yrs ago, during the heated argument he claimed the kids had told him they hated me and wouldn't want to live with me anyway. Suck a fucking dick

OP posts:

mix56 · 12/12/2015 18:36

Wow. that really almost leaves me speechless & that's not easy

So. He can fucking sleep on the sofa or run back to Mummy, seeing as the end of your marriage can be conducted by fucking TEXT, Just fucking PILLOCK. this sad sorry excuse of a father & husband has babies of his own, & is about as responsible as a slug, or a worm. He can't even look you in the face & tell you he wants out. like he has just broken up with a girl in the school playground
There is nothing that will put that right

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 13/12/2015 10:23

He hasn't said a word to me, done something to his phone so I can't send messages (helpful when I need to get in touch about the kids). I'd like to say I had a restful night in the bed on my own but the kids interfered with that, still starfished the hell out of it though. Looking forward to tomorrow morning when he realises that he needs to become acquainted with the iron

OP posts:

mix56 · 13/12/2015 10:39

So he slept where ? did he stay out ?

he isn't speaking to you, has blocked your number..this is all part of a passive agressive scenario of course. He said he wants out. well perhaps he should follow through with an adult conversation ?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 13/12/2015 11:01

He's got someone else, OP. I'd bet my house on it.

This is the script the follow so that they can live with themselves - they blame it all on you, so that they are not a dick for having affair/leaving their kids.

Protect yourself - get a solicitor, you are entitled to a lot if you are married, a sahm and main carer for the children. This exact scenario happened to my friend - almost word for word. She found out after the decree nisi was issued that he'd had another woman all along.

Detach from him completely - see a solicitor.

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 13/12/2015 12:39

Mix he slept in one of the kids rooms. The only thing he's managed to say to me today was to ask if the state of a certain room was acceptable? Because you've said that it, too fucking right it is you fucktard

OP posts:

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 13/12/2015 12:49

Hooray!! He's called time on it. Not your fault, not your responsibility. 100% his decision and you have the message to prove it. So, now you're officially separated (as per his text) you can lead a life independently of him, even if he is hanging around like a toxic fart in the marital home. No washing skiddy pants, no cooking or shopping for him, a proper Childcare schedule. You'll love it!!

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 13/12/2015 13:01

I might even buy him a suitcase for Christmas

OP posts:

RideEmCowgirl · 13/12/2015 13:07

Has he started on his washing and ironing yet?

petalsandstars · 13/12/2015 13:14

Get financial stuff sorted asap

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 13/12/2015 13:25

Financial stuff is all in hand.
Ride, I don't know if he's twigged I've stopped doing it yet. He will in the morning

OP posts:

RideEmCowgirl · 13/12/2015 13:29

Snigger. ..... try and not laugh to much when he realises he might actually have to do something for himself.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 13/12/2015 13:31

Just think about not having to untangle sweaty, skiddy pants from crumpled jeans and shorts. Make sure the fucktard had his own laundry hamper and doesn't assume he can stick washing in with yours. I'd also suggest a good, solid couple of weeks of dinners he does not like and is not invited to partake of.

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 13/12/2015 13:42

You have all the control here. Save the marriage ending texts. Write down all examples of him being ridiculous that you can. See if you can screen grab whatever message you get that tells you he has blocked you from contacting him (as this is ridiculous when he has the kids)

Go see a solicitor asap and stop doing things for him. No food, no laundry, no ironing. Just disconnect and focus on the kids. Don't get into arguments. Just Keep suggesting counselling if he decides he wants to talk. Anything none mediated won't end well at this point.

You can do this.

Jux · 13/12/2015 16:44

I think you're supposed to be begging him to rethink, pleading for another chance. Don't.

mix56 · 13/12/2015 19:41

errr. so OP stops cooking, cleaning, etc. the H stops communicating but keeps living there...... stale mate.
he says he wants out. so perhaps he needs to say when & where.

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 14/12/2015 07:59

It would appear that the breakdown of our marriage is what was needed for him to pull his finger out. Obviously it's been used against me and he is the only one who ever does anything, yawn.
I've decided to be reasonable, if he's here I'll cook otherwise he's fending for himself. I did have a smug grin this morning when I realised he's gone to work in unironed clothes

OP posts:

mix56 · 14/12/2015 08:08

what is the point ? are you waiting for a fairy to come along & makes it all go away? for him to back down, & grovel for pardon ? ignore it & live like strangers ? or him/you to get to a solicitor & make this real ? which ever can run there fastest

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 14/12/2015 08:35

Not in the slightest, I am waiting for Christmas to be over with. I won't ruin it for the kids. That and the fact that no matter how much I want him out nothing can be done about it for a couple of weeks

OP posts:

mix56 · 14/12/2015 10:47

sorry, I didn't want you to think I was attacking. What I was asking, in view of there being a cold war at home, is, where you think this is going? & what you would like the outcome to be ? Has he said he wants to separate other by a one line text ?

Original poster

slightlyinsane · 14/12/2015 11:02

We haven't spoken since, weekends aren't the best time with the kids around till late. I will be talking to him tonight. Whatever he says he's out in the new year, I'm done with putting up with his shit

OP posts:

mix56 · 14/12/2015 12:26

It would seem that is the way it's heading. I'm sorry, this must be hurting in spite of you being clear that it is over.

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