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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I right in thinking he's being a dick???

91 replies

slightlyinsane · 02/12/2015 16:39

I've posted a couple of times recently about h's behaviour and read lots of things that I'm getting confused with things, questioning lots of stuff but not completely sure I'm right.
Can you help me get this straight in my head before I take the appropriate action to deal with it.
The other day I needed to take a dc to a party, h asked me to change another dc before I went. I agreed and asked him to move the xmas present out of the car while I did it.
The next day he takes dc's out and when he gets there I get a text thanking me for the fact he didn't have a coat because I'd made such a fuss over him taking the present out the day before he now didn't have a coat.
My initial reaction was wtf grow up and take responsibility for your own actions (I didn't make him take coat out of car ) . Apparently I was in the wrong.
I didnt get the opportunity to address this with him till the next day. He claims I am paranoid and read into things the wrong way, he was joking. I know he wasn't and 1 of the dc's told me he'd been cross when he realised he had no coat.
I know it's a trivial matter but there's a pattern of him blaming me for everything and refusing to see/accept any responsibility for his actions.
I've tried to talk to him today and the new one of me being paranoid has come up, we've had to pause as dc's home and needed running around.
I intend to press play again on this tonight, no doubt he'll moan about me dragging things out and trying to pick a fight.
Am I right in thinking he's being a dick and start taking responsibility for his behaviour/actions or am I just trying to pick a fight???

OP posts:
Original poster
slightlyinsane · 05/12/2015 16:08

So I suggested we go to some form of counselling as whatever happens we're going to need some one to mediate, my thoughts were counselling would be a start with this. The reason I gave was that we both need some help to talk through the problems we are having.
His response was to tell me I'm paranoid and depressed and there's nothing wrong with him, placing all the blame squarely at my feet. I can't wait for Christmas and birthdays out the way and then move forward

OP posts:
TinyDancer69 · 05/12/2015 17:37

I'm sorry to hear he has rejected your suggestion and completely turned it all on you.

This is your thread so I won't go into my own situation suffice to say my ex-DF was just like yours and I tolerated it for 3 years until I discovered he had also been shagging a girl half his age while I looked after our baby son. I left and the relief was immense.

Someone said up thread such men do not change. That is true. Time to make your plans OP. Don't be his emotional punch bag any longer. Good luck. And we will be here to support you Flowers

Atenco · 05/12/2015 18:13

Of course people can change, but it is bloody hard work and would have to come from him, which there are no signs of.

This blaming other people for everything is actually an all too human, but foul, personality trait. AA members spend a lot of time working on this aspect of their personalities.

As for the child custody thing, I think you need to find out the facts as they apply to your case. All I know from reading mumsnet is that SAHPs are normally in a much stronger position when it comes to residency, and that courts like to start from the idea of 50/50, all of which sounds good.

Original poster
slightlyinsane · 06/12/2015 14:01

Thanks tiny, I'm sorry to hear you had to go through something similar.
Does anyone know if you can get the free half hr with a solicitor over the phone? Living in the back of beyond and without transport is not the easiest

OP posts:
HormonalHeap · 06/12/2015 22:55

Another one here who was married to one like yours.. familiar eggshells, would worry about him getting enough sleep so he might be nicer to me the following day. Afraid to say, another one who discovered he was shagging his 19yo secretary and had been since i was pregnant. Not to imply that is the case but you have to keep your eyes open. Anyway whether he is or isn't is is not the deciding factor for you- as he is intolerable to live with. In the end he did me a favour as I am now married to normal, wonderful guy and my kids get to see a respectful loving marriage. It's a massive thing for you but please, please leave.

Original poster
slightlyinsane · 07/12/2015 15:40

Thanks hormonal, glad you found someone who makes you happy. I really don't think he's shagging anyone else, he really condones it. An emotional affair is another matter and I have my suspicions about that, he's made a big decision recently without mentioning it to me which makes me think he's got to be talking to someone. Normally he needs confirmation he's doing the right thing before he actually does it.
These next few months are going to pass far too slowly.
I've had far too much time to think and doing the usual doubting myself and wether it really is me or not.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 07/12/2015 16:00

YANBU. He doesn't deserve you.

Don't give up any more of your precious life to him. You'll wake up in 10 years and regret it bitterly.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/12/2015 16:28

His childhood may have been tough and he could be damaged but it's not right to lord it over the family. If he has acted out of character regarding something that he took swift action over it may be he has secret plans. It might be prudent to keep even closer track of your family finances. The supposedly devoted father often does an about turn when pesky family matters 'hold him back' or 'stifle ambition' even without a third party.

Meanwhile look into where you stand, (I don't know about a phone consultation but worth a go?). Do shore up family support. If you can do so safely, take copies of anything you jointly hold. If he's had any windfall like a maturing policy or inheritance would you know about it?

Counselling together may have fallen flat anyway. He could have seized the chance to make you look small and feel worse. I get the impression he won't welcome mediation if it comes to that. Don't let him convince you "That's how all men are" or "This is you making a mountain out of a molehill", because it's not.

Original poster
slightlyinsane · 07/12/2015 18:06

This is the really odd thing about him, it's like financial abuse in reverse. He takes no interest in anything financial and I have to do it all. So I'm absolutely fine in that department, it's him that will be up shit creek. I know everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
slightlyinsane · 12/12/2015 11:42

Wow, at a complete loss for words. Apparently our marriage is now over. There was no huge row no talking, just a couple of text messages and it's over. Through a fucking text message!!! Fuck me I just don't know what to say. A fucking text message!!!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 12/12/2015 11:46

he's very much a "justice for fathers " person

And yet he can't work out he needs a coat in the winter? Nah - it's all bluff love.

Apparently our marriage is now over.

I'd say rejoice to be honest, and suspect this is just to put you back in your place as you beg him for one last chance.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/12/2015 12:31

lol, tell him you agree, your marriage IS over.

Then sit back and watch.

Clobbered · 12/12/2015 12:40

He ends your marriage by text???!!! What a complete cock. Your instincts were correct.
Hope you've secured your finances and there are no nasty surprises in store.
Congratulations on reaching the endgame with him so quickly!

Anniegetyourgun · 12/12/2015 12:51

You realise you're supposed to cry, beg and promise to try harder, right? I can tell from the tone of your posts that you're not going to do that. Good.

ImperialBlether · 12/12/2015 12:56

He's got someone else if he's done that. There's no way he's going to make that decision and live alone.

I would text back, "You're absolutely right. I'll be out with the children between X and Y pm. Come and get your things."

Samaritan1 · 12/12/2015 13:08

Oh my goodness, hope you are ok op, despite knowing this deep down, it still must have come as a shock.

RandomMess · 12/12/2015 13:15

Hope you're ok Flowers

WaitingForSnow · 12/12/2015 13:23

A text message?!

I know it must be a shock but at least it clarifies things for you. Hope you are ok.

mix56 · 12/12/2015 13:30

Massive Brutal shock for you. Its probably exactly what was posted above, bluffing & meant to bring you into line. But fortunately you were already at the point of seeing a solicitor. So this is good in theory, "mutual" divorces shouldn't be so viriolic !
It will take some strength, but I really feel he should leave in view of HIM wanting out, it plays into your hands.

RideEmCowgirl · 12/12/2015 13:32

Sure this isn't one of his "jokes"?

Even if it is, at least you now know where you stand. Time to show him exactly what you are made of!!

mix56 · 12/12/2015 13:35

you must check your paperwork FAST, open a new bank account & move your savings into it. before he does. get copies/originals of everything & keep them at your mums, with birth certs, & kids passports
Change all your passwords, bank, phone, computer, disactive any cloud/fb/other. You need to keep you plans private.

RiceCrispieTreats · 12/12/2015 14:06

Don't let your emotions get the best of you just now! Now is the time to act.

You say you are the one who knows everything about the finance and paperworks. Get your ducks in order. Make it so he can't empty any joint accounts (mine did) and keep all relevant paperwork somewhere safe where you can access them.

He will be a dick about the divorce process and custody, as you have accurately predicted. That's fine, it's in his nature and you can't stop him. But you can protect yourself by having the right paperwork, and a good lawyer.

His fight for custody etc will be all about trying to show you who's boss, not because he actually gives a shit about parenting the children. Luckily, the law is immune to bullies' tactics: it only cares about the facts. This will work splendidly in your favour. Get a lawyer, and let him/her take care of ALL interactions with your H about divorce and custody matters.

You can do this. Many of us have, and we are stronger and happier out the other side. All the best.

Original poster
slightlyinsane · 12/12/2015 15:50

He's taken some of the dc's out which has given me some time to think about things.
I'm a little concerned about him throwing around the idea that this is all my fault because I'm depressed. (I'm really not) if or when custody becomes a battle he will try his hardest to use this against me. Are there any preventative steps I can take to disprove this???

OP posts:
CharlotteCollins · 12/12/2015 16:07

Sounds like a good question for your solicitor.

He's the one who'd have to prove it rather than you disprove it, though.

CharlotteCollins · 12/12/2015 16:11

If you're willing to let him have reasonable contact with the DCs, then he won't have a leg to stand on in court. How can he fight to have them full time when you are currently the SAHP? It makes no sense to anyone but him.