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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally confused, trembling terrified.

89 replies

brokencrayons · 01/12/2015 22:45

Please help. I'm trying to process just what's happened. I'm 41weeks 2 days pregnant, had a sweep today. Feeling awful and weepy and a bit stressed out. My husband and I just had an argument tonight that ended with me trying to stop him from, I don't know? He just came at me! Slammed his hand on the table and lunged towards me screaming that I was a lazy bitch, So I grabbed his arms to stop him from coming closer, but he kept pushing forward, driving me back to the other side of the room. So I tried to snap him/shock him out of it and slapped his face. he was trying to throw his weight around it was horrible, I got rag dolled about a bit as I tried to push past him, i thought i was going to fall back. he kept pushing me backwards and then he was like knocking my face about but gently enough, not like a full punch it slap? I finally got past him but was shaking so much I couldn't actually walk? Then he starts saying how pathetic I was " oooh are you shaking now? Going to have a miscarriage?" Then starts to say that Im a husband beater and that im a phsyco. And that he has proof I attacked him as he has red marks on his arm from where I was trying to push him back. I feel like he is trying to turn this around on me and if I tell my mum or dad he will just show them his marks on his arms and he said they'll see what a maniac I am. I'm so fucking confused, upset, worried, alone. This is out if character, completely. He is usually so caring and nice. We have children together and have been married 5 years. I could literally give birth any day now and I don't know what to do? Did I attack him? I don't even know?

OP posts:

zeetea · 03/12/2015 15:49

I second the words of EternalSunshine820 - your condition, his complete lack of remorse, the way you are feeling after he attacked you is pretty recognisable behaviour of someone who is violent and abusive. No one is going to think you're in the wrong here, you are in a vulnerable position and from what we've read this man is probably not who you thought he was, 5 or so years isn't a particularly long time to really get to see someone's true colours.

He sounds rather like my father in law who bought me up, I've not repeated these words my mother said to me before, but they've always stuck with me and I hope they help you in the coming days; she said the abuse started with the most gentlest shove out of the way in the middle of a row whilst she was pregnant, and she wishes she'd left him then instead of going through what she did for so many years afterwards. Typically if they do it once they will do it again. You deserve better than this, you are not wrong, you are strong and can find a way through this.

I hope you are okay and keeping safe

mix56 · 03/12/2015 15:49

call the police & report it. he has marks on his arms, from you trying to protect yourself. This may happen again. Not only should you tell your parents, but everybody you know.

Leelu6 · 03/12/2015 15:51

for you OP. I don't have great advice but just wanted to ask if you're certain this was a one-off? You said 'you have no idea how he makes me doubt myself, especially in a situation like this'.

I'm sure your family and friends would not be fooled if he tried to make out that you attacked him.

outofpaper · 03/12/2015 16:03

OP so sorry you are going through this.

I completely agree that you should go and get checked out and report this behaviour. He sounds abusive and his behaviour is damaging not only physically but emotionally too.
Please do make the steps to remove yourself from him.

He is making you doubt and blame yourself which is all part of his ploy.

I hate to say this too, but he is not a good father to your dc. A good father does not disrespect and abuse the mother of his children.

to you (from someone who has been there and got the t-shirt)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2015 16:09

He is not a wonderful father to his children because he is and has systematically abused you as their mother. They are learning about relationships from the two of you and they are seeing their mum being abused. Its no life for them either.

You need to tell your midwife and the authorities. You need to remove yourself and your children from him asap, you would be far safer away from him altogether.

Womens Aid as well can and will help you leave.

AskingForAPal · 03/12/2015 17:26

How are you, crayons? Your situation sounds very scary, well done on reaching out if only to stranger on the internet. Have you managed to speak to anyone on the phone yet?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/12/2015 17:32

If you call the police, get it logged and they talk to him, that might be enough of a wake up call to stop it happening again.

TendonQueen · 03/12/2015 17:33

His story would just not be credible. It's only fear making you think it is. What's the size of you compared to the size of him? Add into that that you're heavily pregnant, which is a big physical disadvantage, and the arm marks being clearly defensive as a pp said - in fact they're better proof of him being the aggressor. Plus the stats sadly back up him being much more likely to attack you than vice versa. Don't believe him - other people will see right through this.

bodenbiscuit · 03/12/2015 17:38

This is just awful - so sorry this happened :(

Is this the first time he has ever done anything like this?

bodenbiscuit · 03/12/2015 17:39

If not he sounds like he must be mentally unwell.

But you are the priority right now - you must make sure that you and your children are safe before everything else and yes do get checked out. If you are rhesus negative you might need anti d.

NameChange30 · 03/12/2015 17:44

"mentally unwell"?
No, abusive.
There is a difference. Most mentally unwell people are a bigger threat to themselves than other people.

SuckingEggs · 03/12/2015 18:14

OP, are you ok?

zeetea · 04/12/2015 15:14

Hope you are okay OP?

Jan45 · 04/12/2015 15:28

Please get away from this vile bully, tell your friends, tell your family, tell everyone, including Women's Aid, Midwife - no excuse OP, he's attacked you, and your unborn child - he's an abuser, it won't get better, it will only get better once you get away from this horrible excuse for a man.

We all have worries, stresses, life changing events, we don't go around assaulting our family and friends!

PoorFannyRobin · 04/12/2015 16:19

OP, I don't have any advice to add (re what steps you should take now) to what other posters have said. Please listen to them. And the little scene with your son's shoes -- well, that's not an olive branch, in my opinion. That's to prove/confirm what a caring, sensible, reasonable person he is. He's just acting out a little scenario for himself and whatever audience he's playing to, starring him as a great guy who was just pushed to the limit. That's why he hasn't apologized. Please don't let him fool you. Once you realize what some of these behaviors really mean, you won't feel so confused about what happened. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

bodenbiscuit · 04/12/2015 17:16

AnotherEmma - I agree. But the reason I suggested mentally unwell is that the OP seemed to suggest this was out of character behaviour.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2015 17:27

boden These kind of things are hardly ever truly "out of character" even if the OP says they are. It's usually part of an escalating pattern of abuse, so that even if it's the first time he's been physically violent, the systematic emotional abuse has conditioned the victim to feel that it's her fault, that he's a "wonderful" husband and father and would never be violent if only she hadn't provoked him.

If it was really "out of character", he would have turned back into a reasonable and decent person as soon as the anger subsided and the dust settled after the argument. He would have been shocked and appalled at his actions, extremely apologetic, and seeking help for his "mental health issues" and anger management problem. The OP's partner is doing none of those things.

I read the "mental health" suggestion being made on threads like this time and time again. It drives me bloody MENTAL

bodenbiscuit · 04/12/2015 17:46

I'm not trying to suggest that violence and mental health problems go together. I've spent time on a section in a psychiatric hospital myself with other people with various conditions so I know that is are from the case.

But yes, I do see what you mean wrt the wider context of the abuse. I hope the OP is safe....having to go through that at any time but especially when you're 41 weeks pregnant. I can't imagine it.

bodenbiscuit · 04/12/2015 17:48

Far from*

Original poster

brokencrayons · 06/11/2020 08:48

It’s 5years on and I’m still here. Still stuck. Still sad.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/11/2020 08:55

I urge you to not spend a further five years in such an abusive environment. Your children are seeing this at first hand too and this will impact on them also.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Do read the current domestic violence thread at the top of these Relationships pages. There is help and support out there for you, you need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, out of this by yourself.

EarthSight · 06/11/2020 09:55

One of the hardest things to accept is that unless he has a brain tumour or serious mental illness that has suddenly turned him into a monster, this IS part of his character - he just hasn't unleashed it until now or you haven't seen the warning signs. I don't think they were that out of character. If it was that shocking he'd be booking himself into therapy straight away and apologising profusely (not that apologies always mean that they're sorry).

In your quest to understand why this is happening, you might be tempted to see this as a Jekyll & Hyde issue. You will partition off the parts of him you don't like or don't understand into a box, allowing you to still hope and focus on the parts that you do like. I think this would be a mistake and will potentially waste years of your time, or even your safety. You need to see him as an integrated whole.

However nice he may be otherwise, it's simply not safe to be with someone who can fly off the handle like this. He didn't just step towards you. You were in real danger there. He was the psycho, not you. Just look at his taunting and him mentioning miscarriage like that.

Sorry OP, but he is really not on your side. Tell the police or at least ask Women's Aid for help. Tell your parents everything. You must. Don't tell him that you are going to leave him. He has to find out after you've left.

EarthSight · 06/11/2020 09:58

@PoorFannyRobin

So true. @PoorFannyRobin

Cinders1234 · 06/11/2020 10:13

Has he done this again OP? Are you okay xxx

Original poster

brokencrayons · 06/11/2020 10:22

A couple of times since. my kids are now 12,11 and 5 and I really don’t want them to have to go through a big uprooting. Hence why I’ve stayed.we don’t have sex or sleep in the same room. It’s so fucking tragic

OP posts:

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