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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Totally confused, trembling terrified.

89 replies

brokencrayons · 01/12/2015 22:45

Please help. I'm trying to process just what's happened. I'm 41weeks 2 days pregnant, had a sweep today. Feeling awful and weepy and a bit stressed out. My husband and I just had an argument tonight that ended with me trying to stop him from, I don't know? He just came at me! Slammed his hand on the table and lunged towards me screaming that I was a lazy bitch, So I grabbed his arms to stop him from coming closer, but he kept pushing forward, driving me back to the other side of the room. So I tried to snap him/shock him out of it and slapped his face. he was trying to throw his weight around it was horrible, I got rag dolled about a bit as I tried to push past him, i thought i was going to fall back. he kept pushing me backwards and then he was like knocking my face about but gently enough, not like a full punch it slap? I finally got past him but was shaking so much I couldn't actually walk? Then he starts saying how pathetic I was " oooh are you shaking now? Going to have a miscarriage?" Then starts to say that Im a husband beater and that im a phsyco. And that he has proof I attacked him as he has red marks on his arm from where I was trying to push him back. I feel like he is trying to turn this around on me and if I tell my mum or dad he will just show them his marks on his arms and he said they'll see what a maniac I am. I'm so fucking confused, upset, worried, alone. This is out if character, completely. He is usually so caring and nice. We have children together and have been married 5 years. I could literally give birth any day now and I don't know what to do? Did I attack him? I don't even know?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 20:16

Oh love. Please call Women's Aid next time he's out at work. I'm sure you will feel better for talking to someone, and they have experience of supporting women in situations like yours. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and it's open 24 hours a day.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 02/12/2015 20:17

Another Emma, I have considered them today, visited their website and had a look around x thank you

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 02/12/2015 20:17

He is not a "wonderful father" though. A wonderful father does NOT physically abuse the mother of his children (or abuse her in any way, for that matter).

SewingAndCakes · 02/12/2015 20:26

Please ask for this thread to be moved to relationships; there are loads of people there who can help support you through this.

stubbornstains · 02/12/2015 20:26

You poor thing, that's an awful thing to do to someone who is about to give birth. Is there anyone you can stay with right now? It would be great to feel you're able to have this baby without feeling immediately threatened. Or can anyone come and stay with you? Was your H going to be your birth partner? Do you still feel safe having him at the birth? If I was you, at this point the first person I would call would be my midwife, probably the best person to make sure you are safe and secure whilst giving birth and looking after your newborn. Best of luck xx

Lucy61 · 02/12/2015 21:36

Where were the children at the time? You need to tell a family member or a friend. If you are moving in the new year, try your best to me closer to your family and/ or friends. Get yourself out of this isolation.

Original poster

brokencrayons · 02/12/2015 22:31

Yes please x

OP posts:

Jibberjabberjooo · 02/12/2015 22:33

If he makes you doubt yourself that can be a form of abuse. Look up gaslighting. A wonderful father does not treat their mother like this.

SuckingEggs · 02/12/2015 22:35

He's fucking vile. Jesus.

I hope you're ok

ammature · 02/12/2015 23:24

He is gas lighting you. Call women's aid. He has abused you. What you did you him was self defense. Why do you like so rural? Is this his choice? Sounds like you don't have much independence- is this a situation he has orchestrated? Can only imagine how you are feeling you poor thing. Take care of yourself

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 02/12/2015 23:31

OP please try and tell someone in real life what has happened. They will believe you, don't let him make you doubt yourself about that.

If not a friend, could you you talk to your GP or your mw?

SuckingEggs · 03/12/2015 14:25

Why hasn't this been moved to relationships yet? Will nudge MNHQ. Am worried about you, OP.

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 03/12/2015 14:30

Hi all - we'll pop it over there now. Apologies for the delay brokencrayons

BrianButterfield · 03/12/2015 14:37

Imagine a friend of yours, heavily pregnant, came to you with the same story. She told you how her DH had ended up with bruises on his arms from her defending herself. Would you, for a minute, think "well, she must have attacked him, then?" Would you really think that? Neither would most people.

OhDearMuriel · 03/12/2015 14:51

Every action has a reaction. You pushed him away because you were defending yourself as he was coming at you. He sounds vile tbh. I'm sorry but this will probably be the beginning of the end for both of you.

You say he cleaned your son's shoes, well so he should whether you're pregnant or not. Really it's not a big deal ;0( is that really the least the pathetic man can do?

OhDearMuriel · 03/12/2015 14:57

Also, I am under no illusion whatsoever how awful stress is, but to do what he did to you at this stage of your pregnancy (whether you are pregnant or not) is pretty serious. He needs help and I agree that you should get the police involved because this man needs a shock and pulling down a peg.

I am sorry to say, but you could have lost your baby through his lack of self-control.

EternalSunshine820 · 03/12/2015 14:59

Wow, just wow. I honestly can't imagine how you are feeling and have never experienced anything like this but:

Please, please go and get checked out somehow. Can you call 111 and explain you don't have transport? If you say how heavily pregnant you are and describe what happened they might send someone to either look after you at home or transport you to the nearest hospital. Or can you take a taxi? (sorry maybe I missed something above and know that's expensive)

Also please, please report him. For several reasons. This is DV. The police are very used to dealing with cases like this, I think it's highly unlikely they'll accept him saying you are a psycho. Also the marks (if they are still there) clearly match your story of defending yourself. You are obviously and understandably very shaken, they will have someone you can talk to in confidence (e.g. Women's Aid). The way he has behaved, especially showing no remorse afterwards - shows no respect for you. You are carrying his child and very heavily pregnant, and no matter how much you were arguing he was wrong to lay a finger on you, it's beyond wrong. Also, if he has done it once (and you do nothing) what if he does it again? At least if you get the incident recorded, if he does do it again that will shows the police / SS a pattern. You could also show them this thread.

Perhaps ask yourself whether you can live without reporting it (and possibly also without any remorse or apology). Are you ok with your children seeing the way you are being treated, and respond to that, and learning that that is the 'norm' - that that is the way to treat a woman / be treated by a man?

Think of it from the point of view of your OH - he has attacked the mother of his child, who is heavily pregnant, then gone to sleep soundly, then got up and gone to work as though he did nothing wrong. Is that ok behaviour? You have a right to be very angry and he is the one who should be scared.

Know that abusers (and that's what he is, in this situation) always make their victims feel like they are in the wrong, make them doubt themselves, make them feel they won't be believed etc. And often apologise and put on their best behaviour for a while afterwards, only to do the same thing again, and again. I know it's hard but you are a mother already and about to have another child, and you are making complete sense whether you think so or not.

ricketytickety · 03/12/2015 15:03

He assaulted you and put your unborn child at risk. That means he is not a good father to your unborn child. If you can't think about how he treated you, think about the huge risk he put your baby in and how he ridiculed it by saying 'Going to have a miscarriage?'.

I totally understand your fears of him turning it around on you. You know he will do this. But you don't need to tell anyone why you have left him. You don't need to explain any of it. You need to get out and find a place of safety for you and your children, for you to have your little baby in when the time comes. You and your baby are clearly not safe with him.

It is typical violent abuser material to blame you and say you are psycho and that no-one will be believe you because they don't want to give you any room to leave/have any control over the situation. This will only escalate. Think of your baby. Then once he's gone/you;ve left, think of yourself and get some healing.

Trust me, I've been there. It all sounds terribly familiar.

EternalSunshine820 · 03/12/2015 15:03

Sorry that last sentence should have read I know it's hard but you are a mother already and about to have another child, and are right to do everything possible to protect yourself and your children, and you are making complete sense whether you think so or not.

SheHasAWildHeart · 03/12/2015 15:11

I'm sorry I couldn't even read your post in full because of bad memories it brought back, please please please call the police.

SheHasAWildHeart · 03/12/2015 15:12

Hopefully the police will also put you into contact with someone who can 'hand hold'.

MuttonWasAGoose · 03/12/2015 15:41

Marks on the forearms are clear, classic defence wounds.

LeRoom · 03/12/2015 15:41

Please tell your midwife in confidence. She will not mention it to your husband but she will be able to help

The stress around pregnancy and birth etc means this is a very common time for problems to arise in relationships, including violence and domestic abuse, no matter how mild.

For this exact reason, midwives have a lot of training on how to help deal with these things and yours will be able to signpost you to some support for yourself and your husband.

This isn't the kind of wound you can leave to fester. You and your partner need some support and you won't get it unless you ask. Sometimes emotions run high but you can't pretend this didn't happen.

Take care xx

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2015 15:44

I'm absolutely shocked and horrified. I have nothing to add except to echo previous posters who have told you to tell your midwife, the police, Women's Aid etc, and that he is absolutely not a good father if he strikes the heavily pregnant mother of his children. Does he not realise the dangers to the unborn baby by assaulting you? And taunting you about miscarrying? A good father? Not in a million years.

You are so vulnerable right now. You must tell someone.

MorrisZapp · 03/12/2015 15:47

Do you honestly think your friends and family will think you attacked your husband, on his say so? Of course they won't. And when would he tell them anyway, your conversations will be private.

Tell people. Get help.

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